Hi BPD Fam. My first post here on the forum. I just wanted to briefly outline the 6 year relationship I recently got out of and get your guys’ thoughts on it. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
9 months ago I left a 6 year relationship with a girl who *possibly* might have BPD. We're both in our 30's. Based on my research many of the situations I have experienced with her sound a lot like some of the traits associated with BDP. (note: not all of these may be BDP related. Just random bits to better paint the picture)
- Every emotion is extreme. The anger, sadness, resentment, contempt, sarcasm, yelling, crying, and of course how loving/lovable/empathetic they can be as well.
- The anger - could be explosive with hitting in the shoulder, pinching, screaming
- The sadness - the anger would typically shift into sadness; curling up and crying
- Resentment - she wasn't happy with our situation and resented me for it which possibly contributed to some of her behavior, anger, and disrespect towards me
- Contempt - even when I felt like I was trying, somehow she always managed to pick a fight with me about something and speak to me with disrespect. The tone, the curse words, the sarcasm. Especially the tone. "eff you" "eff off" "Shut the eff up" "You're such a baby." It felt like she had an anger problem.
- Stopped looking forward to weekend trips in anticipation of some petty stressful quarrel
- Even a trip to grocery store or laundry mat could have some stressful moments
- Always found myself conceding with an apology. Countless times.
- Paranoia - "I feel like something bad is going to happen" or thinking her phone accidently called someone and they heard overheard our conversation
- "I just want to disappear"
- "I want to effing die"
- "I feel weird"
- "Do you ever feel like none of this is real"
- Anxiety
- Sensitive to loud noises (swallowing of water, flossing)
Irritability
- After a fight or being annoyed with me telling me to call an uber and leave. Trying to change her mind, but she kept insisting. So I would but then she would change her mind and not want me to leave. I would cancel Uber, get cancellation charge. This happened a lot.
- A conflict in public which led to her wanting to get away from me. Had to trail a great distance behind her until she calmed down.[/li]
- Toxic ways of communicating - So many arguments. So many that felt as if we weren't speaking the same language. She didn't understand where I was coming from and I felt like she was being irrational. The communication was always unhealthy. She cursed, yelled and name called. Interrupting me. When I would ask, "Can I speak now?" She would respond "Go ahead!" and as I'm pausing for a second to gather my thoughts her impatience would cause her to yell more, "Oh my god! Go ahead and talk!" That would fluster me which led her to get even more impatient and upset. It was unbearable. The stress would sometimes result in me losing my cool and raising my voice. Now I'm at her level and no better. Before this relationship I have never been pushed to that level. I have never raised my voice or lost my cool so much in my entire life. It was amazing how upset these situations could make me and I never thought before that I could get so mad. I always had to apologize afterwards for how I responded.
- Volatility/Roller Coaster
She used to wear all black and have a very strong addiction to alcohol. Used it to self medicate. Smoking as well. A year after we started dating she gave up both cold turkey when one incident of drinking led her to cut wrists (this self-harm occurred before we started dating as well). She completely transformed after this. No longer cut her wrists or wore all black. Grew out her natural hair color and wore nice clothes. After she quit I tried to be supportive by not drinking when hanging out with her. One time I tried sneaking a drink while we were hanging out and she lost it on me. After that I started being dishonest about drinking. For example, If I spent a Sunday with my parents and had a couple beers, she would pick me up and always ask me if I drank. I would say no. Then if she continued to press I would cave and say yes I did - which led to some massive blow ups. I found myself being dishonest about things that made no sense to lie about, like going out with friends. I tried to avoid conflict at all costs, as a result, trust was always a major issue, but never with her. She was always honest. I blame this on myself for not setting boundaries and communicating our individual needs.
I found myself being dishonest a lot even about minor things like going to a friend's house or having some beers at my dad’s to avoid conflicts. She had a way of making me feel like the most awful person whenever I messed up.
Then there were the explosive arguments which could sometimes lead to punching me in the shoulder, pinching me, slamming a door. Sometimes these actions were followed by a very loud scream and self-harm by hitting herself in the head with her hands. If this occurred behind doors she would isolate herself in her room afterwards, curled up and began crying.
The more terrifying moments are when it would occur while she was driving. Stressful arguments often ensued in the car. Sometimes it could be over something as small as me just not being very talkative during that moment (I'm pretty introverted). Irritated by the silence she would try to force me to talk but not in a polite way. "You just gonna sit there and be quiet?" "Say something." "Wow this trip is gonna be real fun." "You're just being a blob." "I always have to initiate conversation." "You're never present". I don't know how some of these fights started in her car, but they did. Maybe my personality and how careless or dismissive I could get over things that to me were small, but maybe significant to her triggered something. It's possible that I'm half the problem here, and I'm considering talking to a professional to get to the bottom of it. It's honestly very hard for me to remember the exact reasons for many of the fights now. It just seemed to happen a lot, especially when going on trips.
But the explosions in the car is what really scared me. A handful of times the arguments reach a climax where she would scream, start hitting herself in the head, sometimes pinching me, and then would say "I'm gonna crash this effing car!". At that point I just tried my best to deescalate the situation and calm her down by saying I love her and apologizing. Anything I could do to bring the emotions back down.
Sometimes she’d be so mad at me for something I'd just be in the car super quiet and tense. She’d say “well do you have anything to say or are you just gonna sit that all quiet?” I really don't know what to say and try to think of something. A few times she said “if you don’t say anything I'm gonna scream!” This would scare me because I didn't want another car incident, so i’d hurry up and think of something half ass to say in order to keep everything calm.
The poor girl also used to have a lot of headaches and suffered from fibromyalgia. I would give her massages almost every day. Rub her back, neck, scalp, and feet.
I sometimes think maybe I was codependent, wanting to please her and help her. But because I'm human too with my personality flaws, I didn't always respond in the best way to the conflicts and would sometimes get pushed to the point where I found myself raising my voice.
All of the above continued to chip away at my confidence in the relationship and I began to have thoughts of leaving. I grappled with caring about the girl and thinking if this was a relationship worth staying in FOR LIFE. Accidently throwing a kid into the mix concerned me even more. If I’m having doubts then I need to do both of us a favor and stop wasting more years of our lives. It killed me to think about leaving her.
Despite all of the negatives that I mentioned, there's also of course the many loving qualities about the person too. She did so many sweet thoughtful things for me during the 6 years, and we had some really amazing memories. The inside jokes, the way we played and joked with each other. Singing songs together. Same sense of humor and taste in music, movies and television. Watching shows like The Wire and Breaking Bad together. She had a side that was really cool. She just had a difficult time managing her emotions. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
She didn't cheat and she didn't lie. She was extremely loyal and honest. She didn't party, go to bars, or do drugs. She had a major alcohol problem (always getting black out) in her 20's along with reckless driving and promiscuity when she had no BF. She no longer had those issues while we dated and became much more responsible. Excelled at work by getting promoted, saved money, and handled responsibilities.
It was mainly the inability to manage her emotions which was the problem.
The day I left was the hardest day of my life. So many tears and hugs. She was crying so hard saying "I don't know what I'm going to do without you." "I wish this wasn't happening." "I'm going to miss you." "I love you." It took all my strength not to hug her tight and say “I’m not going anywhere”. But I knew I had to let her go.
I sometimes have flashbacks of the moment and it just kills me every time. Like how could I just leave someone who I was with for 6 years like they meant nothing?
It's been 9 months since the separation, and I can’t stop thinking about her. We had an extremely strong attachment to each other and adjusting to life without her has been difficult. Not to mention the cognitive dissonance, guilt and regret I've been having is overwhelming. Sometimes thinking maybe if I actually fought for us or just got my act together It could've worked. I've been trying to sort out what happened and the roles we both played in the relationship.
The whole thing has been a mind boggling to say the least. I find myself constantly reflecting on the relationship, the roles we played, and how much of the problems were due to my behavior. And I feel terrible thinking back about how I handled certain disputes - particularly my response. I didn’t always keep my cool, although I tried my best. Sometimes I felt so pushed that I would lose control of my emotions just as much as her, but never ridiculing, name calling, or physical violence. Just defending myself. Worst cases, the arguments lead to her screaming and hitting herself in the head and crying in her room.
Then I became the bad guy and felt like everything was just my fault. That I'm just bad for her and always causing pain. I'm just a difficult person to be with. Everything was my fault. Always apologizing about how I need to change and be a better person.
I really cared about this girl but felt like I had to move on. I became the bad guy. She blocked me on everything and I’m pretty sure she views the whole relationship as a terrible mistake and wishes I never existed. I’m pretty sure her family and friends have similar feelings towards me. No one understands or knows the true nature of our relationship; everything seems great on the outside. She’s a fragile victim and I get to be the disgusting toxic monster.
I still care about her and think about her all the time. I get torn between knowing the relationship wasn't right for me, and missing the girl so much. 6 years is a very long time; we were tied to the hip. So many positive memories and getting to know her family. It sucks to throw it all away and then be hated when I feel like I did my best. No one understands, it was a complicated relationship.
4-6 weeks after I left she found the new “love of her life”. He seems to have all the traits that she complained/criticized me for lacking. Rich family, tall, good hair, good looking, handyman, outdoorsy, doing fun outdoor activities all the time, looking super happy. I’m happy for her, but also further makes me feel like I was just inadequate and difficult to be with and that’s why we had intense conflicts. They’re already sharing an apartment together. I’m blown away by how quickly she moved on and managed to find someone else.
I just wanted to share my experience with you guys and possibly get some feedback from those who maybe experienced something similar? I'm not sure what to make of this relationship. It was my first serious girlfriend, and when she used to rant, criticize or complain It would remind me of my dad and how he used to speak to my mom who was very sweet and passive.
Thank you for taking the time to read my long unorganized messy rant.
