uBPD sister killing my 78 year old mom slowly

[Introlos88]

Hi Everyone!

This is my Second time writing.
I am writing because 2 days ago I had a breakdown.
After over a decade of dealing with this situation I feel like I can't take anymore and don't know what to do.

My uBPD sister has completely destroyed my family dynamic.
Unfortunately my 78 year old mom who has chronic lymphocytic leukemia, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, diabetes, high blood pressure plus other stuff lives with her.
They have a codependent relationship and they will not separate from each other.
My mother will not leave my sister because she feels my sister can't make it alone because of her erratic behavior.
My mom is a very social person, she loves visitors but my sister has made all the family run for the hills.
I feel like my mom has been kidnapped. I can't even call her without my sister listening to the call over her ear. Don't understand what kind of super hearing she has smh.

I tried to baker act my sister but when my mom found out she almost fainted and said how can I do that to my sister.
Even though she acknowledged that she is killer her. She has even told our family and hospital social workers.
However she says I wanted children and I need to put it with it.

I have decided to remove myself even though it's killing me inside.
I know my mom is not getting the care she needs and deserves.

My sister thinks she is always being followed. She is always making up lies and is very delusional.
She will not drive if it's a new place or somewhere she does not want to go. So my mom does not make all the doctor appointments she needs.
She doesn't let the home health aid come to the house because she thinks she will be plotting against her.
She does not give anyone her cell phone number not even the health care workers and she keeps her mailbox full so you can't leave a voicemail.
My mom stays home alone at times and how is she supposed to reach her if she does not have her number.

My mom is a women that was also mentally abused by my dad so I guess she thinks its normal to be treated this way.
But God, this is so difficult.
Everyone always gives me opinions on what I should do but no one is in my shoes.
My mom at the end of the day chooses to accept this.
And I feel there is nothing I can do.

I am in therapy myself and have a supportive wife who I talk to a lot and travel with.
But it is still very difficult.
 
Please  
Thanks

[Turkish]

Even though she acknowledged that she is killer her.

Do you have documentation of that? Can you involve Adult Protective Services? They likely have a # where you can call anonymously for advice.

It's very tough when elderly parents enable their own neglect, and so much harder when there's another person involved like your sister.

[Hime-sama]

I don’t have any advice for you, I just joined the forum myself, but I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds like you have a lot of love for your mom, and you’re feeling forcibly separated from her. You and sue both deserve better.

[Methuen]

Hi Introlos88

You are doing a lot of things right with this situation you find yourself in, which must feel like an impossible one.

You have a T.  Thank goodness.  You have decided to remove yourself from this impossible situation.  Very wise.  I can imagine this only came after a prolonged period of attempts to help and support with reason and rational suggestions, which was probably twisted and flung back at you in accusatory/blaming/attacking ways.  Am I close, or right off the mark?

You also acknowledge their (mom and sis's) codependence.  You acknowledge your mom accepts her situation as it is.  You have your eyes wide open.

What this sounds like is the two of them are tangled up with each other, and are both bad for each other, but still, they choose to stay together.

It sounds like you feel trapped and unable to help or even talk to your mom, because your sister is the gatekeeper to your mom.

I tried to baker act my sister but when my mom found out she almost fainted and said how can I do that to my sister. Even though she acknowledged that she is killer her. She has even told our family and hospital social workers.

A couple of questions:
- is your sister benefitting economically from this arrangement?
- when your mom acknowledged to the family that this is "killing her", were there witnesses?
- any chance your mom has mild cognitive impairments, or is she still mentally sharp?

Adult protective services might be something to consider. If you can call anonymously to get advice, you have nothing to lose.

She will not drive if it's a new place or somewhere she does not want to go. So my mom does not make all the doctor appointments she needs.

She's not meeting your mom's medical needs -> neglect.

She doesn't let the home health aid come to the house because she thinks she will be plotting against her.

She's preventing your mom's medical needs from being met.  This is still neglect, but inching closer to abuse, because there is intent to prevent the home health aid visits, whatever the reason.

She does not give anyone her cell phone number not even the health care workers and she keeps her mailbox full so you can't leave a voicemail.

This sounds like carelessness leading to neglect again.

If you want to call APA anonymously, these points seem like reasonable concerns, given your mom's health history.  You can explain the situation (the fact that your mother will not leave your sister) and get advice directly from the source, and then weigh the pros/cons to reporting before you make a decision.  

Lastly, you mention you had a breakdown 2 days ago.  What did that look like?  How are you doing now?

Glad to hear your wife is supportive.   What does your T suggest?

[Introlos88]

Do you have documentation of that? Can you involve Adult Protective Services? They likely have a # where you can call anonymously for advice.

It's very tough when elderly parents enable their own neglect, and so much harder when there's another person involved like your sister.

Thank you for your response. It is much appreciated. It is a very difficult situation. I am just scared that if anything is done to my sister my mom will have a heart attack or something and then feel guilty that it is my fault.

[Introlos88]

A couple of questions:
- is your sister benefitting economically from this arrangement?
- when your mom acknowledged to the family that this is "killing her", were there witnesses?
- any chance your mom has mild cognitive impairments, or is she still mentally sharp?

Thanks for your response. I appreciate it so much.

1. My sister has always benefitted economically from this arrangement. She has hardly worked in the past 15 years.
2. Yes. the last time she was in the hospital my cousin was there and she told her that my sister was killing her.
3. She might have mild cognitive impairments but even when she didn't this has always been the case. She will not leave her.
She stayed married to my dad until he passed away and he was equally as abusive and cheated on her soo soo many times. Its like she doesn't understand her worth at at

What does your T suggest?

When I first started seeing him he told me to try to focus on myself and remove myself from the situation because I have tried absolutely everything.
However in the last few months my mom has been in and out of hospitals in rehabs so he is seeing the neglect. So he told me maybe I should speak to a lawyer and APA.

I do feel bad for my sister but I have tried to offer to go to therapy with her and she will not. She says there is nothing wrong with her. She has also said that she is a prophet of god so she knows more than all of us.

[Methuen]

She has also said that she is a prophet of god so she knows more than all of us.

Oh boy.  If she’s a prophet of God, there is more than Borderline going on, which is probably why you tried the Baker’s Act.  

It seems that some of the suggestions offered on this thread are lining up with your T’s suggestion to speak to a lawyer and APA.  

The fact that your sister is financially benefiting while also neglecting your mom’s medical needs is a problem.  That your mom has always been in a victim role and can’t stand up for herself is a problem.  That your mom chooses to support  your sister while acknowledging this decision is killing her is not rational any more.  Consulting a lawyer seems like a good way to get facts about something so complicated, as does speaking to someone from APA.  Maybe speaking with these people would give you enough info to feel less “stuck” on n rhis situation  and figure out a plan for yourself…?  It’s fact finding right?  Just info.

[livednlearned]

I feel for you, Introlos88. It sounds like a slow-moving trainwreck that everyone sees but your sister and mom. It's probably true no one is in your shoes but there are many who have walked a similar path.

Like Methuen, I'm wondering about the nature of your breakdown and whether you're ok? It's a good sign you're reaching out for support. How much contact were you having leading up to your breakdown? Are you living close by?

One thing that jumped out at me is that you will feel responsible if your mom has a heart attack, especially following any action to manage your sister. That's a lot of pre-guilt already locked and loaded   

What is your relationship with your mom like?

[Introlos88]

I feel for you, Introlos88. It sounds like a slow-moving trainwreck that everyone sees but your sister and mom. It's probably true no one is in your shoes but there are many who have walked a similar path.

Thanks for the response. Appreciate so much.
A train wreck is exactly what it is. When I said no one is in my shoes I was refer to my family who have opinions on what I should do.

Like Methuen, I'm wondering about the nature of your breakdown and whether you're ok? It's a good sign you're reaching out for support. How much contact were you having leading up to your breakdown? Are you living close by?

When I had the breakdown I had just spoke to my mom when she was in dialysis and she told me that she rather let my sister kill her than for her to leave my sister and she has always said that. I started to cry uncontrollably because I really can’t find a solution to this and feel like my mom doesn’t not deserve that. What hurts is that I feel I’m starting to lose the love for my mom because she could care less about my feelings at all. I don’t even like to call her anymore but feel bad cause I know she is dying slow and don’t know how much time I have left with her. I live about half hour away. But my sister makes it a hurdle for me to even see her.

One thing that jumped out at me is that you will feel responsible if your mom has a heart attack, especially following any action to manage your sister. That's a lot of pre-guilt already locked and loaded   

What is your relationship with your mom like?

My mom and I have always had a great relationship. The reason for the pre guilt is because I feel I have always been the one to stick up for her. My mom is not very educated and was severely emotionally abused by my father so she doesn’t know her worth. And now she is letting my sister do the same thing and is ok with it.

[Methuen]

When I had the breakdown I had just spoke to my mom when she was in dialysis and she told me that she rather let my sister kill her than for her to leave my sister and she has always said that. I started to cry uncontrollably because I really can’t find a solution to this and feel like my mom doesn’t not deserve that. What hurts is that I feel I’m starting to lose the love for my mom because she could care less about my feelings at all. I don’t even like to call her anymore but feel bad cause I know she is dying slow and don’t know how much time I have left with her. I live about half hour away. But my sister makes it a hurdle for me to even see her.

My mom and I have always had a great relationship. The reason for the pre guilt is because I feel I have always been the one to stick up for her. My mom is not very educated and was severely emotionally abused by my father so she doesn’t know her worth. And now she is letting my sister do the same thing and is ok with it.

Introlos88, I am so sorry.

The things your mom says ("rather let your sister kill her than leave her") would hurt so much. 

If that's what she feels and wants, you aren't going to be able to change that.  It's even possible that trying to persuade her otherwise will entrench her further. 

I think it's a good thing you cried on the phone, and let your mom hear your breakdown.  That feeling was your truth, and it was genuine. She can do something with that, or she can leave it alone.  Either way the choice is hers.  She is an adult, and although you can see that her choices are terrible decisions, she can't, and possibly never will.  You can't control that, and may have to let it go, unless you decide to discuss with APA or a lawyer.

It is wonderful you have a great relationship with your mom.  Whatever her choices are right now, they are her choices, even if you disagree with them.  Preserve your relationship with your mom.  I am wondering if there is a time or day in the week when you could schedule time to spend with your mom, be it in person or by phone.  Also, is it possible to buy her a simple phone that she could use as her own, so that you could reach her any time? 

Introlos88, do you practice self-care?  At a time like this, with what you are experiencing, I just want to say that self-care is important, and helps with coping.  For me, nature walks are healing.  Physical activity helps to clear my mind of the clutter.  Carving out a bit of time to spend on a hobby.  What kinds of self-care have you found helpful in the past, or, what might be helpful now in this moment?

We are thinking of you.

[livednlearned]

My mom is not very educated and was severely emotionally abused by my father so she doesn’t know her worth.

It can be extraordinarily painful and deeply terrifying to love yourself. For many of us, being on the receiving end of abuse was painful, but nothing compared to opening ourselves to being loved.

It may feel like physical pain for your mom to think she deserves better.

She may be also getting something out of the relationship, feeling like she is strong enough to tolerate what your sister does. Almost like a pseudo strength that she can find worth in.

I know it doesn't make it any easier, especially if you want your mom to receive proper care.

I am preparing myself to surrender to similar forces as my mom ages. My uBPD brother has been designated health care power of attorney and she is afraid of him.

It may not play out this way but I am trying to grieve in advance so I can let go the fantasy that I have any real influence. Not because I don't want to but because practically speaking there is very little I can do. Like you, I will be perceived as the troublemaker. The person I am trying to protect will push back because appeasing abusers is the one and only golden rule.

Elsewhere on the board we talk about radical acceptance of BPD. I feel I'm now practicing radical acceptance of a BPD family system. In that system, appeasing uBPD family member comes first before everything.

[Introlos88]

Introlos88, I am so sorry.

The things your mom says ("rather let your sister kill her than leave her") would hurt so much. 

If that's what she feels and wants, you aren't going to be able to change that.  It's even possible that trying to persuade her otherwise will entrench her further. 

Yes. What she says is very hurtful. She has so many people that love her but she rather let my sister kill her.

Thanks It is wonderful you have a great relationship with your mom.  Whatever her choices are right now, they are her choices, even if you disagree with them.  Preserve your relationship with your mom.  I am wondering if there is a time or day in the week when you could schedule time to spend with your mom, be it in person or by phone.  Also, is it possible to buy her a simple phone that she could use as her own, so that you could reach her any time? 

She does have a phone that I actually pay for her. The problem is this. When my sister is home with her she hovers over her and talks crap about me in the background. When my sister is not home all my mom does is talk about how terrible my sister is and she can’t believe that is her daughter.  So it makes me want to talk to her less and less.

Introlos88, do you practice self-care?  At a time like this, with what you are experiencing, I just want to say that self-care is important, and helps with coping.  For me, nature walks are healing.  Physical activity helps to clear my mind of the clutter.  Carving out a bit of time to spend on a hobby.  What kinds of self-care have you found helpful in the past, or, what might be helpful now in this moment?

We are thinking of you.

Everyday I notice more and more how important self care is. I do walk, hike and play pickle ball. I actually just got back from glacier national park. Had such an awesome time and had to come back to this hell

Your messages mean so much. Love coming on here and reading them. They help big time

[Introlos88]

I am preparing myself to surrender to similar forces as my mom ages. My uBPD brother has been designated health care power of attorney and she is afraid of him.

It may not play out this way but I am trying to grieve in advance so I can let go the fantasy that I have any real influence. Not because I don't want to but because practically speaking there is very little I can do. Like you, I will be perceived as the troublemaker. The person I am trying to protect will push back because appeasing abusers is the one and only golden rule.

Elsewhere on the board we talk about radical acceptance of BPD. I feel I'm now practicing radical acceptance of a BPD family system. In that system, appeasing uBPD family member comes first before everything.

Damn, so sorry to hear that you are in the same boat as me. After all these years I have finally decided to surrender myself and let her go.

[livednlearned]

When my sister is not home all my mom does is talk about how terrible my sister is and she can’t believe that is her daughter.  So it makes me want to talk to her less and less.

This is interesting if you think about the Karpman drama triangle. In a Karpman drama triangle your mother is the victim, your sister is the persecutor, you are the rescuer. When you try to rescue your mom, she switches your role and you become the persecutor.

The drama triangle is pretty much a stamp of dysfunctional family dynamics 

Complaining about your sister to you without doing anything about her is a way for her to feel that she is stabilizing the relationship. When she doesn't have that outlet, the tension between her and your sister will likely increase and she may become more motivated to act because the stress becomes intolerable.

The idea is that you move to the center of the triangle and away from one of the three roles. By leaving one leg of the triangle unmanned, the other two must confront their relationship in more meaningful ways because there is no longer a pressure valve to release the build up.

We are heading into a new situation. uBPD brother was recently made my mom's health care power of attorney and she is distressed. Because she is an adult child, she tends to be passive-aggressive and manipulative to get her needs met. I know from experience that she prefers to pass responsibility to me. Yet this never works because I become the persecutor without fail. So the only hope of change is if I simply disengage. I counted the number of times my mom has alluded to uBPD having power of attorney and I will say "hmmm, oh, uh-huh" or something similar. Or I'll change the topic or end the call. She is coming to visit in a week and I expect she will try tears. It sounds so heartless to describe it this way, but I am unmoved. The more worked up I get, the less movement of the needle, something that took me almost 4 decades to learn. If there is to be any change at all, it must come from her directly. The best way I can help her is to not enter the drama triangle because it just strengthens her relationship with our family bully.

[Introlos88]

This is interesting if you think about the Karpman drama triangle. In a Karpman drama triangle your mother is the victim, your sister is the persecutor, you are the rescuer. When you try to rescue your mom, she switches your role and you become the persecutor.

The drama triangle is pretty much a stamp of dysfunctional family dynamics 

This makes perfect sense and has now opened my eyes even more. Wow..

We are heading into a new situation. uBPD brother was recently made my mom's health care power of attorney and she is distressed. Because she is an adult child, she tends to be passive-aggressive and manipulative to get her needs met. I know from experience that she prefers to pass responsibility to me. Yet this never works because I become the persecutor without fail. So the only hope of change is if I simply disengage. I counted the number of times my mom has alluded to uBPD having power of attorney and I will say "hmmm, oh, uh-huh" or something similar. Or I'll change the topic or end the call. She is coming to visit in a week and I expect she will try tears. It sounds so heartless to describe it this way, but I am unmoved. The more worked up I get, the less movement of the needle, something that took me almost 4 decades to learn. If there is to be any change at all, it must come from her directly. The best way I can help her is to not enter the drama triangle because it just strengthens her relationship with our family bully.

I respect your strength so much and good luck with everything. I will have to hold my position going forward as well because things cannot keep going the way they are. Thanks for all your feedback!