uBPD elderly mom acting childish and delusional - creating the next crisis

[Our abuse recovery guide]

All the advice I was given with my mom, when she started having delusions and hallucinations, was to "go with it." That was okay except for the nights she had hallucinations every two hours -- probably my low points in caregiving.

I think nights are worse. Home hospice talked with me about Sundowner's syndrome, and I did see her have a loss of clarity in the evening and night, while she was clear and together during the day.

Methuen, you might want to track the times of day you get the wacky messages.

[GaGrl]

All the advice I was given with my mom, when she started having delusions and hallucinations, was to "go with it." That was okay except for the nights she had hallucinations every two hours -- probably my low points in caregiving.

I think nights are worse. Home hospice talked with me about Sundowner's syndrome, and I did see her have a loss of clarity in the evening and night, while she was clear and together during the day.

Methuen, you might want to track the times of day you get the wacky messages.

[Methuen]

I think your mother's thinking is beyond BPD and sounds more like she is becoming disoriented. Her stating she can use a sleeping bag, and take care of your home alone seems like that.

I concur.  She could be living in a time zone of about 20 years in the past.  But...and there's always a "but"...

Could it be sarcasm?  Another "barb" from her arrow?

Or denial? Or...delusion?

I'm trying not to think about it too much.  I've hopped off the ruminating treadmill.  Got on my real treadmill today and ran and ran and ran and ran... Then did physio.  Then did yoga.  Feeling much better now.

Since I replied with the "we have already made arrangements...have a nice day" reply, I've been ghosted.  But she's been texting with my H, and wished him a good trip!  

Being ghosted is the best.  It's peaceful for as long as it lasts.

Back to your points - that this may be more than BPD:

I will add "the sleeping bag and her offer to housesit for us on the floor of our sunroom"  text to the "list" I've got ready for the  next time I speak to her doctor.  I can also mention to her home care supervisor, but honestly, I've disclosed so much crazy stuff, that I really do believe that they just blow me off.  They see her differently.

Did I mention I found out last week that her most recent Rai assessment (which was done in February) concluded her situation had improved, and she no longer qualified for assisted living?  When I shared that with my T, she was visibly dismayed. She actually suggested it bordered on negligence.   And the "elderly services consultant" which I often speak of that works with home care and is a "mental health expert" is the one who did the assessment.  

It's like she dismissed everything we ever told her.

Perhaps she has decided I am the nutty one since mom "presents" so well when she needs to.

I figure that what happened during the assessment, was mom was asked questions like "do you still cook for yourself"?  How do you manage with toileting and cleaning?  Mom would have lied her way through the whole assessment, made up a bunch of stories, and passed with flying colours.  

Somehow, despite her doctor assessing that she could no longer drive because of her declining physical and mental situation, and her continued loss of sight with her macular degeneration and her endophthalmitis infection, and her visibly obvious progressive Parkinson's disease, her Rai assessment showed a remarkable recovery over the previous two assessments.  And the person who did that assessment is the key person the whole health care team listens to.

This is the same "team" that after mom behaved badly (last Saturday night) during a home care visit while we were there, decided she must have a UTI.  They tested her for it, and I know this group is not surprised it was negative.

This is why I count on you guys for support.    Thank you again!

I will keep observing the wackiness.  H and I have been documenting since the beginning of January.  I have communicated to various health professionals.  But honestly, it feels like she is falling between the cracks.  The system is stretched.  Her BPD is undiagnosed, and home care doesn't seem to want to hear that piece.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am shocked that your mother has been determined to no longer qualify for assisted living. How frustrating! I think you are likely right that your mother knows how to answer the questions. A "yes" answer to: Do you still cook for yourself? means nothing if there are no follow up questions to determine if your mother still is actually able to cook for herself. I am wondering if there is some way you can object to these results with someone higher up the chain of command, someone who is not necessarily local, and ask for another evaluator with you and your husband present for a future evaluation. When a friend's mother was assessed for Alzheimer's, the doctor requested that her daughter be there, as he felt it would be easier to determine the mother's level of functioning if the mother was interacting with someone who actually knew her well.
I am glad you are taking care of yourself, exercising, traveling, and keeping your responses to your mother's texts as brief as possible. Enjoy your well deserved vacation!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Methuen,

I genuinely had a facepalm moment when I read your answer... I can't believe the incompetence of the people assessing her, in all honesty. I am being harsh, though, maybe it isn't incompetence and just that they don't care, but the latter is just as worst, ain't it?

I am sorry you do not find any support within the health care system, and from the experts that are supposed to be paid to support her.

It is true that the system (I think we are in the same county) is stretched beyond belief... I am unsure of what the solution is here, short of letting go and hoping for the best. You are already doing so very much for her..

I agree with Zacchira : enjoy your vacations, they are well deserved.

[Methuen]

I could use some help interpreting the latest text.  

First a little background:  one of her sisters (my aunt) was recently transferred to a new facility and into a dementia ward.  Her son transferred her to a facility closer to where he lives. My aunt is a kind person, not BPD even though they came from the same abusive father.  I believe my mom was particularly damaged because at 14 she was designated to care for her dying mother (for 6 months) and to do this she had to stay home from school.  The older siblings (including the one in this story) had already left home and married when their mother passed.

Also, recently, her best friend reconciled with a daughter that was somewhat outcast from the family.  I don't know the details, and don't ask.  

Mom's text:

I talked to _____(nephew) and he'd seen _____(his mother).  She's still happy to see him but doesn't recognize his wife.  Nephew said I'm still happy I have her and don't want to loose her.  Tears came down [mom's face] when he said that.  Let's make the most of our time.  I love you the way you are.

This feels like another trap to me.

I would be happy to hear your interpretations, as well as possible responses.  

[Notwendy]

I've disclosed so much crazy stuff, that I really do believe that they just blow me off.  They see her differently.

I also felt awkward discussing my mother with her health care team. My mother presented herself well to others. It would be her word or mine, people could not believe both. Eventually though, she was engaging in drama with them. They had to be around her enough to see it.

As to the nice text from her- BPD mother says nice things from time to time. I think it's harder to know what she's thinking when she is nice than when she is angry. When she's angry- it's obvious.

The best reaction was something I learned from a counselor. The idea of not reacting to her feelings. Stay centered and cordial. If her feelings shift, we don't have to. Your mother may have felt this in the moment. I think there has to be some strong emotions at her age seeing their peers have these issues and it may be bringing back some traumatic memories for her. I think pw BPD go through the same emotional responses to milestone events as every one else. It's the BPD that affects how they respond to them.

I also think they want what they see their peers have. BPD mother's extended family is close and her same age peers have close relationships with their grandchildren. They all live near each other and get together often. While they seem a bit enmeshed to me, I have also seen how much more normal they are in their interactions. As kids, I was envious- I wanted a family like this. While they have their own issues, comparatively, they seem to be so much more functional.

BPD mother wants this too but she doesn't make the connection between how her behavior affects our family relationships. She just sees her same age relatives doing fun things with their grandchildren and she wants this too. But when we visit, the dynamics are different. I can understand her wanting it though.

The "wanting" is still self centered though. It's not about how to foster a better relationship. It's that it just has to be how she wants it because, she wants it. Your mother saw the affection that your nephew has for his mother. She wants that. But she doesn't understand the connection between how you feel and her behavior.

So, I don't see this as much as a trap but her feeling of wanting something. Your mother wants you to care for her the way the nephew cares for his mother but doesn't make the connection to her own behavior. Reality is- if she's emotionally and verbally abusive to you, it does impact the relationship. Still, you care about her, but also have to have some boundaries with her.

[Mommydoc]

Wow, a lot has happened since I last viewed this post. I too am shocked her Rai assessment improved, but agree with others that it is likely your mother knew how to “Trick the test”. It sounds as if the home health team is overwhelmed/stretched thin, and they may not even be objective at this point with your mother. So unfortunate. Your plan to discuss with her physician and use very specific examples is a good one. I encourage you to request a mental health/ cognitive assessment performed by a licensed mental health professional. Hopefully, with your examples, there will be some success.

I've hopped off the ruminating treadmill.

I love that! One of the reasons I have not been on much lately is I made the same decision, to just stop even trying to understand, interpret my sisters rants and communication. I love the metaphor of getting off the mental treadmill and on to the real one. It’s a universal message and great example for all of us. Thank you!

My mother presented herself well to others. It would be her word or mine, people could not believe both. Eventually though, she was engaging in drama with them. They had to be around her enough to see it.

NotWendy raises another important point, related to your story. People with BPD are often so charming that only those close to them witness the drama.  They “Cover” really well and can change their demeanor on a dime. For me, it created a lot of self doubt and guilt, I believed it was me, and not her for so long. It wasn’t until I witnessed rages towards others that the lightbulb went on.

Because they saw the recent episode as “Out of character” and an acute change, I understand why they considered a possible UTI and ordered the urine test. With it negative, and your perspective that the event was only an amplification of long standing behaviors, I hope your mothers doctor will dig deeper. It is my hope that you don’t give up on the home health team, and rather, keep calmly, pointing out the examples, with hopes you will help them objectively “see” what you see.  It has become almost comical for me, as my sister presents herself frequently  as POA for my mom, everyone believes her as she is so convincing, until they check the document. At this point, my sister has revealed herself broadly. I suspect the same will happen with your mother with time.

pw BPD go through the same emotional responses to milestone events as every one else. It's the BPD that affects how they respond to them.

I agree with NotWendy, her emotional response is likely normal, to want a better relationship with you. We all need to be cautious as pwBPD often draw us in with statements like this. My sister does it all the time. My therapist and husband are often quite adamant with me to not  interpret those statements to mean anything in our relationship will change. Expecting that the relationship dynamics could change is the mistake I made over and over. pwBPD are often very emotionally attuned and have an intense fear of abandonment. When we set boundaries, or they sense an emotional distancing, they can be triggered by their fear of losing us. Now that I better understand BPD, it is much more obvious to me. I am not sure it is truly manipulative or a “trap”, it is just how they are wired.  The key for us, is to focus on our feelings, and to stay the course. It seems like you are doing that really well.

Being ghosted is the best.  It's peaceful for as long as it lasts.

I had to chuckle with this! I completely agree, they think they are punishing us when they ghost us (my sister has been ghosting me this last couple weeks) but instead it is pure bliss. Enjoy your  vacation, you deserve it so much, and may the ghosting continue.

[zachira]

Methuen,
Your mom's latest text is confusing to say the least and likely you are being baited to engage with her. There seems to be a part of your mother that very much wants you to want her, yet she is totally unwilling to do what would make you want to be around her.

[livednlearned]

I love you the way you are.

This struck me as an odd thing to say given the rest of the text. Not the "I love you" part, which would be a lovely way to communicate her feelings, no strings attached. It's "the way you are" that seems off. It's like a back-handed compliment.

Here's an olive branch with thorns.

Like she's being the magnanimous one here, choosing to forgive you for all your shortcomings. Starting with not changing the door code.  

This feels like another trap to me.

It makes me think of the way Riv3rW0lf compares how we can be a stick of dynamite or a wet firecracker when it comes to our own responses to BPD behaviors.

I'm working my way to wet firecracker with my uBPD stepdaughter by choosing to err on the side of "this is a trap" during our encounters. I second-guess her, not me. uBPD SD25 sent a text to me once that your mom's text reminds me of. It was something like

SD25: "My aunt was telling me how close she was to her stepmom and I think of you like a mom, we can have this too."

It ended with "You are technically part of the family."

For me, the trap is that there is something useful being put into play and I am the pawn. The trap can be eliciting emotional discomfort (feel bad like I feel, or feel worse), or soliciting attention (I'm feeling empty, notice me), or creating drama (triangulate you with me and my dad somehow and get something going).

With SD25, I'm learning to be light as a fairy, easy-breezy, focusing only on parts of the message that warrant a response. Sometimes I don't respond at all, or will simply respond with an emoji, or will say, We can talk more when you're here.

It's usually a fleeting thing so sometimes it will dissipate on its own but you see your mom more often so it might not work that way. Other ways I respond are along the lines of:

"I'm glad you had a chance to catch up with nephew."
"That must be hard for nephew's wife."
"Nephew must feel good knowing aunt is happy to see him."

I find it's so much easier to converse with pwBPD verbally because there are so many more ways to communicate in non-committal ways. Texting requires more thought for me because responses can be construed in more inflammatory ways.

What does your gut say about how to respond? It seems like the nature of your relationship factors in a lot here. If your response flags that there is some kind of change underway, that can trigger abandonment for pwBPD. When I began using non-verbal boundaries with SD25, she responded in ways that I considered a positive, but other problematic behaviors popped up, at least temporarily, the so-called extinction burst.

[Methuen]

I am wondering if there is some way you can object to these results with someone higher up the chain of command, someone who is not necessarily local, and ask for another evaluator with you and your husband present for a future evaluation. When a friend's mother was assessed for Alzheimer's, the doctor requested that her daughter be there, as he felt it would be easier to determine the mother's level of functioning if the mother was interacting with someone who actually knew her well.

This seems so reasonable.  I will try this when it is time for the next evaluation, and see what happens.  Ironically, the evaluation over 3 years ago when I was present (also the first one) is when she easily qualified for assisted living.  She lied so openly that there were a few time I just had to add another perspective.  Since then, home care has  not invited me to join, presumably because mother says "no" to me being there.

The idea of not reacting to her feelings. Stay centered and cordial. If her feelings shift, we don't have to.

This!  Thank you!

The "wanting" is still self centered though. It's not about how to foster a better relationship. It's that it just has to be how she wants it because, she wants it. Your mother saw the affection that your nephew has for his mother. She wants that. But she doesn't understand the connection between how you feel and her behavior.

This. This!  Thank you!

Your mother wants you to care for her the way the nephew cares for his mother but doesn't make the connection to her own behavior. Reality is- if she's emotionally and verbally abusive to you, it does impact the relationship.  

And this.  

The dots connected.  Thank you so much.  It's quite obvious really.  But it's harder to see inside the eye of the storm. Nephew told her "I'm still happy I have her and don't want to lose her".  Of course mother wants that.  Then she writes "tears came down  when he said that".  

What really P _ _ _ _ d me off was the "I love you the way you are".  My H's whole face screwed up when he read that too.  Inotherwords, I love you despite being the worst daughter in the world.  ...Whilst I have wasted much of my life trying to please her and be a perfectionist to meet her standards.  I once invited her over to my house while I made over one hundred hand made perogies for her.  She was so happy!  The next day she threw the shrubs she had promised to return to me (they were ours to begin with but she asked for them so I gave them to her to please her) in the garbage. It was completely beyond any rational understanding. It didn't matter what I tried to do, it was never enough.  So in the last two years, I do what I can, and gave up trying to be what she expected of me.

She can want what she wants, all she wants.  It's really hard to "give more" to the person who abuses you mentally and verbally.  So her feelings can shift, but I don't have to.  I love that.

I encourage you to request a mental health/ cognitive assessment performed by a licensed mental health professional. Hopefully, with your examples, there will be some success.

This is what I did with her doctor, and he requested the assessment in February, which came with the result that her condition had improved and she no longer qualified for assisted living.  I can request it be done by a different licensed person next time, but I don't know if they will respect my request.  I will try though (through her family doctor who at least knows her).

People with BPD are often so charming that only those close to them witness the drama.  They “Cover” really well and can change their demeanor on a dime.

The intensely frustrating part of this is that all this was discussed with the elderly services consultant.  She demonstrated knowledge and understanding of this.  But when she went to do the assessment, it seems she either forgot or ignored the multiple conversations H and I had with her.  She had to have been completely "snowed" by my mom.  I remember mom telling me she had told mom "she passed with flying colours!".

With it [UTI] negative, and your perspective that the event was only an amplification of long standing behaviors, I hope your mothers doctor will dig deeper. It is my hope that you don’t give up on the home health team, and rather, keep calmly, pointing out the examples, with hopes you will help them objectively “see” what you see.

The challenge is that her doctor is not a part of the home health team.  He is in a clinic setting.  Home health care is in the home health setting (two different systems not physically near each other), and the two settings don't talk to each other.  So I advocate with both, but with disappointing results.  All I can do is keep trying.  But the cost to me (and H) of not being heard is high.  Elderly services consultant has told me point blank that is not her concern and I should see my T.  Mom is her only concern, and as long as mom wants to stay in her home, home health will support her to do that.  Yet she's empathatic and listens when H and I meet with her.  But that doesn't translate into any practice in her meetings with mom, so it's very incongruous. It's like she knows what to say and do professionally when she is with H and I, but she completely dismisses it afterwards.  I live in a small town, so there are no other avenues to pursue.

pwBPD are often very emotionally attuned and have an intense fear of abandonment. When we set boundaries, or they sense an emotional distancing, they can be triggered by their fear of losing us.

Definitely.  The irony is their behavior drives us away, but they are oblivious to this.   Their behavior causes the very thing they are most afraid of.

The key for us, is to focus on our feelings, and to stay the course. It seems like you are doing that really well.

It's a daily work in progress.  I try very hard, but it's incredibly challenging.  Thank you for the encouragement.  I needed that.  

Your mom's latest text is confusing to say the least and likely you are being baited to engage with her. There seems to be a part of your mother that very much wants you to want her, yet she is totally unwilling to do what would make you want to be around her.

This.  It does feel like bait.  Her expectation is for me to return the text by saying "I love you" back.  That I can't do that right now (I've not recovered from the rage that came when I returned to work), is another one of my failures in her eyes.  

I do love her, but it's a very complicated love.  She can't understand that these things (I love you) have to be said when they are genuinely felt, and "not on demand".  

After my father died, she started chasing a man she had a crush on.  It was so teenage.  When she set up a time for us to meet, she introduced us and then said "now you two hug each other".  This is what I mean by "on demand".  It was reflection of that incident which showed me my mother probably has no clue what genuine love is.

And then I felt bad for my deceased father.

[Methuen]

This struck me as an odd thing to say given the rest of the text. Not the "I love you" part, which would be a lovely way to communicate her feelings, no strings attached. It's "the way you are" that seems off. It's like a back-handed compliment...an olive branch with thorns.

Exactly.  Thanks for picking up on this.  Another dart from one of her arrows. 

I recognize that she is so damaged inside from her FOO, that she doesn't have healthy ways to express herself.  Her feelings are intense, and either all white or all black.  In the innermost layers of her layered self, is a rage that burns hot.  Her main tool is revenge.  Metaphorically she shoots arrows all the time, and this is just another one of her arrows.  Those arrows will never stop coming. 

My gut tells me not to trust her.  My gut tells me to protect myself from her.  I can't respond on demand with the words "I love you mom" just because she needs to hear them in that moment.  While I do love her in a way, I can't say what doesn't feel genuine or I don't think I would like myself very  much.

My response to her text was: It's great that ___ (aunt) is enjoying ___ (nephew's) visits.  Sleep well!

All feedback is welcome.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Playing devil's advocate here... But this conversation goes well within the thoughts I've been having recently about mine and my mother's relationship too.

One question: if anyone else, but your mother, had written those words, would you have questionned the meaning as much?

I'm asking this because, I know of two songs who say: I love you just the way you are (Billy Joel), and You are amazing just the way you are (Bruno Mars). And they don't mean it in a bad way...

I've said that to my own daughter too, I love you the way you are, meaning I wouldn't change a hair on her perfect body, nor a thing in her personnality because she is perfect the way she is, the good AND the bad.

And to be fair, we are all both good and bad, and I do believe that anyone who isn't conscious of their shadow side is more dangerous than someone who is aware of it.  

I'm saying this because, my mother said something similar to me before I cut contact, she said something along the lines of: yes you hurt me a lot but I'd still rather have you in my life than not at all.

And I agree with what Notwendy said, namely that what she wrote sounded more about her own need for a close relationship with you, but without seeing the impacts her abuse has on you.

I also think that we carry so much baggage, that it now seems impossible for us to even believe the compliments and love they try to show. It feels like a lie, like a way to pull us in to abuse us further. But part of me do think those show of love are genuine. The thing is : we cannot let our guards down. But maybe we could find a bit of peace remembering that behind the veil of the illness, which causes us so much suffering, part of them do loves us, and it was never about us not being enough for them, but always about them not feeling enough for the rest of the world, and projecting it on us.

The baggage we carry... It puts a veil in front of our own eyes too. That's why I say : I see her as a stick of dynamite, but to someone else, she would likely just be a wet firecracker, "an old lady losing it". Someone else would just shrug it off and leave, while I am left bewildered and feeling empty, guilty and ashamed for days... Because of our past. Because of my grief of not being able to have a normal, regular, loving relationship with my own mother.

[zachira]

Great response! You are mastering not getting enmeshed in your mother's emotions. It is sad to have to do this with your own mother. I had to treat my mother like this before she died, and am truly sad about it, yet there was not really any other way to do it, without enmeshing myself in her dramas and those of the flying monkeys.

[Notwendy]

I also think that we carry so much baggage, that it now seems impossible for us to even believe the compliments and love they try to show. It feels like a lie, like a way to pull us in to abuse us further. But part of me do think those show of love are genuine. The thing is : we cannot let our guards down.

Exactly, there's so much history between us that it's hard to trust they mean it. But yes, Billy Joel and Bruno Mars  can tell me that as much as they want to.

[Methuen]

Great response! You are mastering not getting enmeshed in your mother's emotions. It is sad to have to do this with your own mother.

Thank you Zachira.  I needed that.  And yes it's sad, frustrating, despairing.

One question: if anyone else, but your mother, had written those words, would you have questionned the meaning as much?

No. The difference is that I know my mother well enough to know exactly what she means by those words.  Not that it matters, but I can guarantee she has never listened to the lyrics of any song in her life, much less heard of Billy Joel or Bruno Mars (irrelevant I know).  

 I handed my phone to my H to read when that text came in - and put on my mask happy face.  H read the text, and all was good until he got to the last sentence, and then his jaw dropped and his face screwed up...because he knows her.  

Bias?  For sure.  We all have bias.  Even if the message came with good intent, I can't accept the words because I can't trust they have any sustainability.  Any positive emotion on her part would be very fleeting, until her next perceived threat or slight or demand or need isn't met.  And then the abusive part starts up again.  

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how well intentioned she is because as soon as her mood changes, so does her behavior.  Even if this was one moment when she had a shred of good will, it "turns" with the flip of a switch, and then the vengeance and hate comes out again.

Good intent is lost if it's fleeting and without sustainability.  I'm too old for this. She is sucking the joy right out of me all over again, and I'm tired of this hamster wheel.  The problem is that we live in the same town, and I rarely get a breather.  No space.

[Notwendy]

I agree Methuen- it's not about the message only- it's the messenger. Unfortunately, I don't feel I can believe what my mother tells me due to a history of lying and manipulation. I think living in the same town has to be difficult. You are doing amazing with it, but it has to also be draining.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Good intent is lost if it's fleeting and without sustainability.  I'm too old for this. She is sucking the joy right out of me all over again, and I'm tired of this hamster wheel.  The problem is that we live in the same town, and I rarely get a breather.  No space.

I understand and I agree, and I can only imagine what it is to have to remain there on an almost day to day basis in the same town, it must be maddening at time.

Please don't let her texts and manipulation keep you from relaxing and enjoying your vacation, Methuen. You deserve a time of respite and joy.

I did notice the "nice things" my mother says often. come at a time when really, she should just be silent and let me enjoy a moment to myself, or a vacation, or a wedding day, or a pregnancy.. they have a way of stirring themself up in our heads, putting self doubts disguised under "nice gestures or words", forcing themself in our life at the wrong moments. As if us enjoying life was a sign of abandonment for them and triggered them...

Mainly what I wanted to say by all this really is : nothing she said is about you not being good enough; even if she does see it, we all know here that you are already doing more than enough for her and dealing with her illness, in all honesty, like a pro.

At some level, letting go becomes the only option we truly have. And we shouldn't beat ourselves up for our powerlessness to change things.  It simply is not in our power, and it has nothing to do with our intentions and values.

[Methuen]

Update:  we had a lovely day with daughter and SO at their convocation.  It was so much fun to spend the day with them and share the celebration events.  It was "happy"!  

We were only gone 2 1/2 days, and I just felt so much better.  

Living in the same town with my mom is like having a heavy iron prisoner ball attached to my ankle.  She's just a constant source of stress.

Yesterday I stopped by her house for a minute to say hi and pick up something belonging to H which he left behind after doing her groceries and mowing her lawn.  She reached out to give me a hug.  

Ick.

No resolution after all her bad and crazy behaviors before we went away.  As NW likes to say: she "dry erased" the whole thing.  I was only there about 3 min to say hello and pick up the item.  When she invited me to stay I said I "had to get home because I was tired after work" (she could see I was tired).  That was my boundary.

We leave for another trip in a week, so I'm anticipating some behaviors leading up to that again.

The good news, is we are leaving to help daughter and SO move back to her hometown where we live.  She has a new job in her career here (working with a great team), and her SO has a clinical placement here.  He's in his last 7 months of a masters in counselling.  We can use one of those in the family!    My mother will be a good case study to give him a grounding in BPD.

[zachira]

Glad to hear how you enjoyed your vacation and are enjoying your children.
It seems you have learned the most important and difficult lesson we all have to learn when we have family members and other people who dump dysregulated emotions on us: We don't take on their emotions and let them be responsible for their emotions. I do believe by doing this we are helping them and not enabling them. Do you think in some ways your mother may be taking more responsiblity for her emotions?
I am now dealing with disengaging from a friend of many years. I realize I have enabled her by having poor boundaries with her and allowing her to engage me in her obsessions and compulsions which have alienated her from her children who refuse to have anything to do with her. When we are empathic, we want to be kind, yet letting others get away with dumping  their toxic emotions on us, does not help anybody.

[Notwendy]

Methuen, it sounds like you are doing a great job of enjoying your own time and time with your family.

[Methuen]

Thanks NW.  I'm already looking forward to the next trip away (end of the week

I am seeing this disease with new clarity.

When she is emotionally dysregulating, she is mean, abusive, blaming, attacking, and thinks everyone is against her. She lashes out at anyone available, but especially those closest to her. I am her most trusted target for these attacks, but lately I have done a better job of enforcing my boundaries.

When she is not dysregulating, she can be quite human.

She can switch from one to the other in an instant.

She cycles between both.  As she aged and her health has worsened, the period between the cycles has shortened, and the dysregulations have lengthened.  I believe the intensity has also increased.  I am imagining these changes as waves on a graph.

What child growing up with this in a parent, can learn to trust? What partner living with this can feel emotionally safe in their relationship?  Siblings?

And yet we feel responsible for them, and want to help them.

NW:

The best reaction was something I learned from a counselor. The idea of not reacting to her feelings. Stay centered and cordial. If her feelings shift, we don't have to. Your mother may have felt this in the moment

[reference to uBPD mom's quote "let's make the most of our time"]. I keep reading this.  The advice continues to hit me anew each time I read it.  Very helpful.

Mommydoc:  

It is my hope that you don’t give up on the home health team, and rather, keep calmly, pointing out the examples, with hopes you will help them objectively “see” what you see.

I read this again today, and this encouragement (don't give up) was exactly what I needed to read.  

Zachira:

Do you think in some ways your mother may be taking more responsiblity for her emotions?

Huh.  Is she actually capable of this?  By us enforcing our own boundaries, she is forced to find her own way through her emotional dysregulation, so in that way maybe, but OMG it is so painful for everyone around her when she is dysregulating (she lashes out at anyone available).  Her mentality is that of a child.  I honestly think it's too late for her to grow emotionally.

Today I was remembering her as she was about 10 years ago.  The memory came from the visual of a loaf of bread (when she could still bake), and I realized that I think she may still see herself as she was 10 or more years ago.  How she sees herself now is not reality, but it's probably her reality. The two realities are not the same. Her friends (some of whom are older than her but healthier) are enablers.  I do not have reason to believe anyone else sees the disconnect.  H and I are the only ones who see the "big picture".

I came into some info about how to plan for the equivalent of healthcare POA for where I live. The thing is, most rational healthy people would plan for this, and would designate a healthcare POA. I do not think my mom is capable of designating a healthcare POA, because she can't accept herself as she is now, or what is happening to her.  She is in denial.  She is also a fighter, and prides herself for this trait.  So the only way her healthcare and personal decisions can legally transfer to me, is via being deemed incompetent. The thing is, my mom is undiagnosed, but can "perform on demand" for an assessment test, without allowing me to be present.  

I have reason to believe my mother will never willingly sign a healthcare POA.  

In a stretched and under-resourced medical system, I wonder what it will take to change her "competency".

She's still insisting on putting in her own eye drops when the home health workers come to the house.  The good news is she is back to letting them "help her"...for now.  The only unknown is - how long will it last?  Currently, the lock box is still working (the workers punch in a code to access the key to her house).

I am trying to be "in the moment" and not ruminate, although I do observe the thoughts, and then let them pass and move on to whatever else I need to do or think about.

"Processing" continues to be a work in progress.

But the clarity with which I am now seeing the disease is remarkable.

[Notwendy]

When she is emotionally dysregulating, she is mean, abusive, blaming, attacking, and thinks everyone is against her. She lashes out at anyone available, but especially those closest to her.

She can switch from one to the other in an instant.

She cycles between both.  

What child growing up with this in a parent, can learn to trust? What partner living with this can feel emotionally safe in their relationship?  

And yet we feel responsible for them, and want to help them.

The thing is, most rational healthy people would plan for this, and would designate a healthcare POA. I do not think my mom is capable of designating a healthcare POA, because she can't accept herself as she is now, or what is happening to her.  She is in denial.  She is also a fighter, and prides herself for this trait.  So the only way her healthcare and personal decisions can legally transfer to me, is via being deemed incompetent. The thing is, my mom is undiagnosed, but can "perform on demand" for an assessment test, without allowing me to be present.  

I have reason to believe my mother will never willingly sign a healthcare POA.  

In a stretched and under-resourced medical system, I wonder what it will take to change her "competency".

I understand this- it is similar with me. My mother has wrecked through the significant financial resources my father left her. Although medically she's a bit in better shape than your mother, and she does take care of her health needs, she's run through multiple home health workers with her drama with them. Her own doctor holds boundaries with her. She's tried to circumvent this with finding new ones as she also engages with him through her own drama. She's painted him black when angry but I think she truly knows he's competent and the best choice to be her doctor.

I think the denial is a normal part of aging but also combined with BPD, it becomes disordered. I can't recall when BPD mother stopped driving but she still kept her car and if anyone said something about her not driving she'd snap at them and say she was driving. She wanted the illusion of competency. Fortunately she doesn't try to drive.

But she's done some chaotic thing. Once she was out with someone else driving and the car broke down and they just left it there in the middle of the road and must have called a cab or someone else to take her home. And the car just stayed there until I guess the police towed it and called her? I don't even know the details of that as she didn't tell me. Another time we took her to pick up her car and the bill was exorbitant. I have no idea what they did to it and neither did she. As much as she refuses to trust us with advice, she takes advice from strangers.

The appearance of competence is important to her. She will have someone do something for her and then claim she did it. She is very dependent on people, either emotionally or skill wise to do even basic tasks. By the time we were teens we were doing things for her. Yet she needs to maintain the impression that she does them. Perhaps some of this is going on with your mother. To need help with her eye drops means revealing that she can't do this herself.

We also only have a POA if she becomes incompetent. However, she can pull it together when she needs to. I don't speak to her medical providers- she doesn't allow it. They can call me for emergency situations. Financially, we barely have a clue. We know what bank she uses. That's about it.

Like you, the only thing we can do is be in the moment. In the moment, she's OK, she still has her house, she has enough household help. While things appear to us to be out of control- she's the one directing everything and it can't be any other way with her.

[zachira]

Methuen,
In addition to letting your mother take responsibility for her emotions, you are now letting her take responsibility for her bad decisions.You know the dam is going to break at some point, just not when or how. Your biggest challenge right now may be to limit how much you worry about what the dam breaking is going to look like and how you will be affected.