How should I speak to my sister abuot this conflict

[Lulie]

I am new to the group discussion, and I am hoping to get information on how to speak to my sister about a current conflict.  I don't know if I should try to talk to her about the conflict and if so, in person or on the phone about the current emotional conflict she has created within our entire family.  I am afraid of her, so talking to her or asking her what she is wanting out of this situation is a real fear. 

She has removed herself from our family and has threatened to damage my husband's business and my adult daughters' credibility through social media.  She has not ever spoken to me about this issue but has "waged war" with my husband and daughter this time. 

My husband and daughter are not willing to continue in the relationship with her at this point and they do not have the knowledge or heart for BPD as I do.  The outrages from her have been many and often and my husband says that we seem to have amnesia to the situations and gloss over all of the very hurtful outbursts. I agree with him, but it seems to be the only way we can have a relationship with her. Right now, I am grieving the "loss" of my sister, but I don't blame them for retreating from being around her right now.

Really, I just don't know what to say to her to try and resolve this conflict.  It feels as if this has been brewing for a very long time with me and it has all come to a final blow.  She resents all that I do, have, feel, and love.  She has been angry and very volatile for many years.

I feel so responsible for this conflict.  I want to honor my husband and daughter and help my mother feel at peace with her two daughters.  I feel like it's my job to get clarity and come up with a solution to get the family back together for my mother. 

This is probably too much to even consider for this discussion, but I hope someone can give me a little advice on how to talk to her.

[wantyousafe]

What does your mother say about this? Is it really your job to take this on?

I'm asking, because I have lately come to the decision that it was not My job and I may have made things worse.

My mother was a woman who would speak very bluntly if it was important.

She'd tell me to take care of my family (husband and daughter) and leave her to handle her family!

[Lulie]

My sister won't engage in family events now if my husband and daughter are there and she has threatened my mother that she can't see her children if she chooses to be with my family too.  My mom spoke up and told her that was ridiculous.  My mom wants us to all "get along" and I just don't think this is going to happen as long as my sister is angry at us.  My sis thinks an isolated incident in March, which she wants an apology for, is the reason she has instilled the ignoring and cutting us off from her relationship with our family.  The issue to my family and mother is not this current incident it is the years of constant anger, threats, rejection, and manipulation.  
I have to talk to her and I'm scared.  I am reading the Family Guide to BPD and learning how and what to say from there, but I wanted to know from a person who has a family member with this.  I know it probably won't' go well, but I feel like I need to extend an attempt at letting her know she's gone too far.  No one has ever done this.  No one has ever said you've hurt them.  I've never said you hurt me. We all tell her "I'm sorry" so we can have a relationship with her. She's never wrong.  

[Notwendy]

One thing to consider is- does talking lead to reconciliation?

I have a mother with BPD. Our relationship is strained. I would have a talk with her in an instant- if it would be effective, but it's not. No form of talking works with her. I've apologized for (perceived) slights, but she sees things from victim perspective. Even when I try to do nice things for her, she sees them somehow in a negative way. If I visit, with good intentions, somehow, some way, something happens that she gets upset about. The Karpman triangle helps explain this and she seems to stay in victim perspective. Saying to her "what you did is hurtful" ( I have tried it) does not work because it then competes with victim perspective. Her response is to dissociate and rage and blame me.

What you can do is step out of the triangle dynamics and not participate in trying to fix the issue. Your only choice in this triangle is to comply with what she wants, and remain the villain or fix it. Or step out of the triangle and decide that she's responsible for her decision to not attend a family event if you are there.

One reason we can not resolve anything is that, we can not talk. I could talk as much as I wanted to. It doesn't work. She is not ever wrong, and that's not the issue. I don't want an apology from her. It's how she interprets things I do and say and I can't change that.

Your sister has drawn her line in the sand. For family events, you should go if you want to. If she doesn't go, that's on her. You didn't decide this and you are not responsible for her decision. I think you feel that you are somehow responsible for smoothing things over so that your mother will see her family and you all are together. See the Karpman triangle again for the dynamics of this.

You can also choose to visit at different times as her. This way, your mother can see both her children, just not at the same visit.

Not coming to family events is your sister's decision. She may blame it on you but that is not your fault. It's her decision. She's responsible for that.

[missing NC]

Hi Lulie,

I so feel for you in terms of the fear and frustration. For so many years, I thought if I could just find and use the right words, my sister would see the light.  The best advice I ever got on this front came too late for me but it might be useful to you:  If you have a relationship with you sister, it must a be "therapeutic" one.  That means you spend your time validating her feelings to calm her down, keep discussions very light and surface level and never expect reciprocity in terms of her caring about your needs or feelings. 

Much as I hate to say it, your husband and daughter are very right to be wary.  I am not speaking about hurt feelings but rather pragmatism. My sister used smear campaigns to devastating effect against her ex-husband then against me and my brother.

I also hear your pain in mourning the sister you have lost.

I met a married couple who found NEA BPD's Family Connections program (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/) useful in learning how to communicate with the wife's sister.  BPD Global has a similar more compressed workshop and a weekly Zoom support group for those who have completed it.

I hope you are able to find emotional support for yourself and wish you greater peace and equanimity as you move forward. 

[yamada]

would a family therapist or mediator be of use

[Notwendy]

In my mother's situation, no.

She's had many therapists, but none were effective as she puts on her front with them, doesn't tell the truth or the whole story.

We had a session with a social worker to mediate some concerns with BPD mother's living situation.

BPD mother put on her best front, acted cooperative, pretended to go along with the plan. Afterwards, she didn't follow through with any agreements- she didn't ever intend to do that. Since then, the social worker has not had much involvement. We don't know exactly why- either that was BPD mother's choice or she just saw how her efforts were ineffective.

What we have found is that bringing in a third party helps to have BPD mother on her best behavior, but it only lasts as long as the session lasts. She's in control of what she chooses to do.

It might work for others, but not with my BPD mother.

[Mommydoc]

Lulie, so glad you found this site and posted. Welcome! I could almost have written your post verbatim. I am in a very similar situation with my sister, though my kids and husband have not been targeted at least recently . It is squarely on me (and anyone who agrees with me). I encourage you to support your husband and daughters desire to exit the drama triangle, just know you might become the next target.

The outrages from her have been many and often and my husband says that we seem to have amnesia to the situations and gloss over all of the very hurtful outbursts. I agree with him, but it seems to be the only way we can have a relationship with her. Right now, I am grieving the "loss" of my sister, but I don't blame them for retreating from being around her right now.

I am going through a similar grieving process. And part of that is realizing that what I think we used to have as a relationship either wasn’t real or can’t be a realistic hope for the future. My kids and husband, have witnessed many rages and don’t have amnesia. They see the impact on me, and are pretty vocal about reminding me. My husband would actually like to engage but we have made an agreement to keep our kids and his relationship completely superficial.

My sis thinks an isolated incident in March, which she wants an apology for, is the reason she has instilled the ignoring and cutting us off from her relationship with our family.  The issue to my family and mother is not this current incident it is the years of constant anger, threats, rejection, and manipulation.  

It seems like this is very common. For a really long time, before I understood BPD, I would try to hear and understand the “issue du jour”, I would apologize, explain, justify or defend myself, not knowing that all of that just invalidated her more and often intensified the situation. I didn’t understand that the “Issue” was never the issue, it was really always about her feelings and inability to manage them. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that any apology will work, as this issue will either rage on forever, or abruptly fade, only to be replaced with a new one.  The difference now is me, not her. I no longer apologize for distorted realties, though I do listen for opportunities and apologize appropriately where I can do so sincerely.  When she throws unreasonable things my way, I no longer try to explain or justify. I try to empathize with how she feels, but I don’t take responsibility for her feelings. That is hard, because I used to think, if I did x,y,z differently, maybe she wouldn’t have been triggered and worked hard to adjust my approach. My biggest mistake was actually was taking actions /or not taking actions, in response to her, or to avoid her rage. My singular focus is to focus on my feelings and my truth, and accepting that her feelings are not my responsibility in any way.

I need to extend an attempt at letting her know she's gone too far.  No one has ever done this.  No one has ever said you've hurt them.  I've never said you hurt me. We all tell her "I'm sorry" so we can have a relationship with her. She's never wrong.  

Ditto. For the longest time, I never told my sister she was hurtful. It was all me responding to her, and my feelings were never considered. A few months ago, when she was verbally raging at me for all of the horrible things I had done, it finally just rolled off me. I knew it was what she was truly feeling, but I also knew it was not true. I calmly said, “I am sad things are the way they are between us. It is so unfortunate that, despite loving each other, we have both  hurt each other.” It was like a fire went from raging to nuclear explosion. The hint that she had hurt me, was impossible for her to perceive. It was then in that singular moment, I knew she wasn’t capable of being the sister I wished for. The grieving process is a good thing (for me) as it makes me realize I have moved from denial and bargaining to radical acceptance. I have since gone very low contact, and It feels good. 

One reason we can not resolve anything is that, we can not talk. I could talk as much as I wanted to. It doesn't work. She is not ever wrong, and that's not the issue. I don't want an apology from her. It's how she interprets things I do and say and I can't change that.

NotWendy is right. You will  have to forge your path with this relationship. There will likely be a moment (or series of them) where you will be able and ready to move forward in this grief process. It is empowering to let go of “Holding on” and feel empowered to focus on yourself and those you love. I wish you luck as you bravely go down this path. We are here for you, as we are walking with you on very similar journeys.