Mom smothering my life

[bpdgirlandmom]

TW: venting and lots of swearing ()
I might’ve posted in here before about this but I really need to vent. I’m 26—just graduated college, ADHD, the works, have lots of money in bank account from previous work but live at home; looking for a job. It’s possible I already posted about how 7 months I ago I met someone by chance on an anonymous support forum—I’m from the US, he’s 24 from New Zealand, and when we followed each others’ Instagram accounts we never stopped talking. From then to now I have spent hundreds (literally) of hours with him on video chat, including overnight; met his family (he lives at home too with mom and siblings) and they host international students in their home. He and his mom watched my college graduation. They invited me to come stay with them for 30 days later this year and I was elated. I’ve vetted these people time and time again, everything checks out, every document, everything, I know an exhausting amount about his life and his family. He’s never asked for money, no scams, etc. My parents have both been controlling forever and withhold affection and attention from me when I do something they disagree with, like this (one time I got a tattoo and my mom didn’t speak to me for a week). I’ve had several failed conversations with them (my mom especially) in the past couple of months, including during family therapy. My mom makes statements that I will be killed, molested, raped, tortured as if she can see the future—she says, “Something bad will happen to you” very angrily. She has met my partner over video once (and I had to persuade her) for less than a minute and refuses any offer made by me to meet his family and talk to him for longer, saying it won’t change anything. I’m so PLEASE READing fed up. Everyone is against me. My therapist was positive about it and then I met with her yesterday and she was hesitant, suggesting I take my mom and meet up with them. I am 26, I no longer want my mom with me everywhere I PLEASE READing go. I’m so PLEASE READing frustrated I could cry (and have). I don’t blame my partner for thinking it’s concerning that my life is dictated by how my parents will react because other people in the past have said the same thing. PLEASE READ. No one is on my PLEASE READing side. I’m an only child in a tiny house with just my parents and no one to ever back me up in any of this PLEASE READ or intervene. I’m so tired. It’s either do what I really want to do before grad school or have my parents force me to rebuild affection/trust with them over the next who knows how many goddamn years.

This kind of thing has gone on since the beginning of time. I cannot hold a conversation with her about this without a professional present--everything I say has a "but", my arguments have no credibility, and she spirals. Years ago I used to scream at her but now I just sit calmly and try to have a conversation (after intense therapy of my own). She's had a therapist for decades and I don't know what that therapist thinks of me. I'm so so so so SO tired. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi !

You are 26years old, so you are an adult and able to legally make decisions for yourself. I am very surprised your therapist wants you to take your mother with you? Does she know she is BPD?

BPD mothers do have a tendency to force themselves into their child life and refuse to let go. They are bordeline and fear abandonment, and their main habit is to try and control us, to keep us close to them via emotional manipulation.

I think it is fair for you to put some healthy boundaries up. It might be dangerous, it might be love. Maybe you could work out a plan that both you and your parents consider safe? I don't know... I've done my fair share of dangerous things and I do believe it is a good thing to still be able to trust the world. And I am still here, safe and sound. It is ok to take risks, we just have to be smart about it, and it seems like you did your due diligence by double checking their information and who they are... It is sad that she doesn't trust your judgement, and I hear your frustrations. But like I pointed out earlier : you are 26, and legally responsible for yourself now...so, she can share her worries with you, but you are allowed to live your own life the way you see fit.

I am very independant. Always were. Left home at 17, travelled with a backpack by myself in dangerous places... Still here. And yes, my mother resents me for this, she told me recently, almost words for words... She resents that I don't need her, that I am independant, much more so than my brothers, that I never accept her help (because it comes at a high emotional price). And our relationship is what it is, and it did lead us to no contact in the end, but at least : I am living my life.

Live your life... It is yours.

[pursuingJoy]

Just want to reiterate all that's been said already. Your mom's fears are very real to her, and they are hers. You don't have to carry her fears nor let their weight drag you down. I don't know your whole story or the implications of decisions. What's the worst that might happen if you told your mom, "I appreciate your concern but this is something I need to do."

On a practical level, as one who's also traveled a lot, there is no harm in making a travel safety plan and taking measures to protect yourself should something go awry or terribly wrong, for whatever reason. Make sure other people know your itinerary, check in with these friends regularly, research the area you're visiting and have back up plans in place.

I had a counselor tell me once, "You don't have to fight any more."

[GaGrl]

The best thing I did for myself, and something my relationship with my mother needed (and she was not BPD -- but overprotective) was living and working in the UK for three years in my 20s.

With a travel and security plan, there's no reason you shouldn't go.

[Turkish]

"Something bad will happen to you."

Translation: "Something bad is happening to me!"

The Hermit Mother's emotional message is, "life is to be feared."

Loss of control, triggering of her anxiety.

You're 26. Even if you were 18 or 19, it sounds like you've done your due diligence which indicates adult wisdom on your part. This doesn't sound like a potential Wellington Chainsaw Massacre at all.

Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, yet you shouldn't need to ask for either.

[livednlearned]

I agree, it's a lot of resistance -- I can understand why you'd be so frustrated. She seems to have quite a bit of black and white thinking going on.

Do you plan to go regardless of what she wants?

Are you asking her for permission and/or simply telling her what you plan to do (and wanting her blessing)?

If you go, based on what you know about her, how would she respond during your absence and after you return?

I wonder if her response would be so extreme if your partner was local.

Would you feel comfortable coming up with a plan to provide assurance while you're gone? Idk. Maybe checking in with her on a pre-agreed schedule. She may be so furious she won't check in, but it's also possible she can't resist seeing you. Could be a lesser version of what the therapist is thinking, to give your mom something to help her manage the problems she has with object constancy (I think it's called).

Of course, you have to be ok having her unleash emotions while you're getting some separation from her.

It seems some of your concern is that she will sever ties or something draconian like that?

[beatricex]

hi bpdgirlandmom,

Welcome to this forum, we get it. 

OK, so the chances of being raped/killed/tortured in New Zealand?  Very low. 
I have never been there, but my brother and his wife want to move there.  They're upitty, she's a high school teacher and has had multiple students in her classes from that country.  I highly doubt that you will get killed there.  If you were going to Russia or China, now different story.  We're talking about New Zealand!  When George W was elected president, my snobby friends (I was right out of college) talked about defecting to New Zealand.  That's where the cool kids go, when the the Republicans win office in this country.  Don't know if you know that.  I am pretty old,

Back to your mom, I also had travel fever when I was your age.  I actually moved by myself several times, to other states.  I think this did trigger my Mom's abandonment.  Then I went totally no contact with her (for 7 years) and that big time triggered her.  I got calls and messages from high school friends I had not seen since high school.  Mom had reached out to THEM and they wanted to know if I was OK.  Are you prepared for this?  Is a smear campaign going to happen if you do go to live with this dude.

He sounds really cool, him and his family.  I'm happy for you, congratulations.


b

on edit: forgot to mention my brother goes backpacking in the middle of nowhere when he visits New Zealand.  I'm pretty sure that is safe too.  Probably safer than any National Park here in the U.S.