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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: The physical violence in my relationship  (Read 2298 times)
ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #30 on: November 07, 2022, 11:07:09 PM »

My fear is that the kids will do/say something at school that will get CPS involved, and a finger will be pointed at me for being aware of Ws behavior and not doing enough to protect them.

That's a very good reason for you to step up and take action.  Yes, you do need time to get your case prepared and in order, but at some point it becomes dithering.
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Turkish
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« Reply #31 on: November 08, 2022, 12:04:02 AM »

Another thing to consider is that child protective services may become involved if there is domestic violence in a home. Some members here have experienced being put on supervised visitation after being falsely accused of DV.

In my case, I was the female victim of domestic violence and I lost custody of my children for "failure to protect" them from witnessing domestic violence.

I learned this when my ex was violent with her husband in front of the kids. He was violent also, but she  punched him hard enough to bruise her hand. She tried to call me to get the kids and he took her phone, "why are you calling him?" He committed a felony. He left and I talked to her. I encouraged her to call a DV help line and we had an appointment for D, unrelated, the next day. I told her that she needed to tell them or I would. I gave her one day. She did both.

A friend at work told me that her brother temporarily lost custody because he didn't report what he knew was going on at the other home.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
livednlearned
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« Reply #32 on: November 08, 2022, 12:35:10 PM »

I fear this.  It's hard to know what my responsibilities are in every scenario.  My fear is that the kids will do/say something at school that will get CPS involved, and a finger will be pointed at me for being aware of Ws behavior and not doing enough to protect them.  I do have faith that should that happen, I will be dealing with rational professionals who can sort/see through things.  One thing about my W is that she is low-functioning and has poor relationships with nearly everyone.  Her issues are quite out in the open and she isn't good at convincing people she is rational for very long. 

I feared the same thing. There is a point at which a judge will look at the behaviors and actions, or inactions, or both parents and decide you both deserve each other and neither is a good parent.

Are there any actions you're taking that can be documented to show what you're doing to ensure the kids are being therapeutically supported?

One of the things my L recommended was to establish a relationship with a child psychologist and to find a support group, something to demonstrate that I was taking my concerns seriously. Something that others could testify to, if it came to that. I established a one-to-one relationship with the school's family specialist, got my son into see a child psychologist (under different pretenses, but you have to do what it takes), and was in a support group for women and had an individual therapist. I could also point to the steps I had been taking to leave when the time came.

If you put the needs of the kids ahead of yours, in my experience there is a different door that opens.
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« Reply #33 on: November 08, 2022, 03:15:28 PM »

I've found the response with the most impact for me is "What would you tell your friend or brother or colleague if they were in the same situation?"  With lasting injuries even.

Or if you read an article online about someone who suffered that many instances of physical violence.  Or if your roles were reversed and it was someone with your size attacking someone her size.

No easy answers, as I well know.  But it's great you're asking the question and even processing it in this way.

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #34 on: November 08, 2022, 03:23:59 PM »

One thing about my W is that she is low-functioning and has poor relationships with nearly everyone.  Her issues are quite out in the open and she isn't good at convincing people she is rational for very long. 

Read the above sentences and add: “and my children are modeling her behavior.”

Max, you’ve been on the fence for well over a decade. You’ve now got a four alarm fire on your hands. It’s not going to get better with a “wait and see” attitude.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
ForeverDad
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« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2023, 05:10:44 PM »

A third party like a neighbor calling to make the report can also influence who gets hauled away, based on their assessment when they make the call.

The murder of Gabby Petito revealed how a 911 call (that a man slapped a woman) did trigger a response but when she was apologizing, the officers only separated them.  Lots of what-if once the details were reviewed weeks later.
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