Christmas with BPD Parent

[unicornlaxative]

My mother sent this to our maternal family chat group like I won't be able to see it:

"I woke up again...the sad realization hit again. Am I drunk? It's the 2nd year I cannot be with my daughter to welcome Christmas eve. We were once a family unbroken and now shattered. It is a foregone conclusion that both I and her aunt will never be welcome to the high and perfectly clean (my fiance's last name) family. Her papa is forever welcome, just because he's rich (he is not). As the saying goes, when push come to shove, who matters most prevails. Next years will be the same...til I breathe my last. Oh God you know why it broke my heart many times over, how your impatient child deliberately allowed herself to be unequally yoked. After the nuptials, the worst is yet to come. Forever banned. Don't let me be shamed so much Lord! Recalling what the Papa revealed, "hawak sa leeg at lalamunan. takot at di nya ka nya kaya ipaglaban. Nakakalungkot man, di nakinig... Let her. She  made her bed, she lies on it." (she's being held by the neck. a coward. she doesn't have the guts to stand up for you. sad it may seem, she didn't listen. Let her. She  made her bed, she lies on it)

Soon, my daughter and grand daughter will not also be allowed to see me as the reins of control will tighten. Total obedience is demanded and he (my fiancé) as usual prevails. If I lose my only precious jewel to an unbeliever despite warnings, it's time for both (her sister, my aunt) and I to fade away so I wont be the bone of contention. Lord, my only prayer Pls don't let my only child be battered, abused, gaslighted, and her faith compromised or grow cold. Spare my granddaughter and protect them with Your wall of fire upon them every moment.

Jesus, pls help me to be strong in this impending  alienation. It will hurt so bad but carry me thru and lead me far away should it happen. Since everyone tells me that I am JUST a grandmother and she'll belong to (my father & fiance's) family.

To keep her new family intact, a sacrifice must be made. She will get used to it till I am erased from her consciousness as she is fully drawn, immersed in her full-time role. She doesn't comprehend the  extent, impact and consequences of future decisions."

Context:

My mom never liked my boyfriend now fiancé since day 1, we've been together for 11 years. She wanted me to break up with him because he is an unbeliever. But the way she treats him shows she is more of an unbeliever than he is. To be fair he tried his best to get on her good side, but she never gave him a chance.

If she would be kind to him, it was to use him for convenience (muscle, his car for transportation, etc.) Now, I also would want to believe that my mom tried her best too but her bias is very apparent.

TBH, Yes I've changed. I wasn't the "Yes" girl anymore to my mom and my eyes have been opened to a new kind of parent child relationship when I saw his relationship with his parents and siblings. I thought mine was the norm. I realized so much. So I changed and fought hard to have my own identity and to show it, without compromising my values. But my mom thought I was rebelling and believed that I've been brainwashed and held into helpless submission and this me is not the real me. The 7 yo me is the real me. Just think "Turning Red".

fast forward to 2020, she was staying in our house a little more than we wanted to, but since my fiance wanted to build a relationship with my mom, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, he just let it be. He'd do things she liked just to please her. cooked the meals she liked. bought things for her and ran errands for her.

however, his cousin just had enough of her ordering her around, treating her like a maid and instead of telling me the problem, she went straight to my fiancé and told him the fish bait she did to my mom (she asked "Why are you so against him?" and my mom loved every opportunity like this to make her thoughts known in the guise of "I was only telling the truth").

Naturally, my fiancé got hurt and he had just enough. So his ultimatum is that my mom is banned at our house - his safe space - but he wouldn't stop me or my daughter from spending time with her because he knows it isn't right and his issues with her doesn't blanket us.

Thus, my moms letter. Until now she believes she never said anything wrong and that she was asked and she responded. She can never admit it. very classic.

My fiance told me that if my mom would approach him and would initiate a closure, he would oblige. I told my mom and she refused because she is a Mom and older, why would she do that? Apart from she never made any wrong and it was him who hurt her many times. In her life, it was very difficult to admit her wrongs and amend relationships that she'd rather lose people than righting them.

There were so many times they had altercations. My aunt even pulled his hair and wouldn't let go just because she thought he didn't allow her to have a Bible study at our home. My mom cursed him out many times because of things she thought he said against her.

Yet, he really tried his best to build a relationship with her.

My dad is welcome because he never did any of those things, he respected him and treated him as a person. Even when he'd do something my dad doesn't approve of, my dad would just talk to him man to man. No insults, shouting, assuming, judging, threats, crying, etc. It's not about the money. Also, I know for a fact that my dad would never say that about me or him. I also know for a fact that she'd like to twist, add, modify someone's statement to fit her narrative to make her seem credible.

There was just this one moment that his family said something unkind to her and I mistakenly told her about it, and now her assumptions about them revolves around that, even though all they've shown to her is kindness since then until now. It was just a misunderstanding. She thinks they talk ill about her behind her back every opportunity they can get. Ironically, she is the one who does that.

I tried to correct her but I am always accused of taking their side because they're perfect, rich (their not), fun, and so many more.

I do it too for her to them. I defend her. I just don't see the need to tell. I defend those who are not in the scene to defend themselves. No matter who they are. I think the kind of "defend" she wants me to do is to violently cuss out anyone she disagrees with in front of her - for vindication. But I don't do that, especially when I am not involved or I know you are in the wrong.

It hurts me so much because she really believes that I am a mindless, soulless, black hearted robot - just because I am no longer that 7 yo girl that is so eager to please her. She can't accept the now me. But she wants me to accept who she is. It hurts me that she really believes that I would abandon her for a man - just like in the sob movies she watched!

She believes she is a saint who never hurt me and did her best to raise me right, it is true that she did her best to raise me as a single parent but she was no saint. She always say that she never had any man in her life after my dad left, and sheltered me and gave me everything and that's why she is so disgusted and confused why I am so thirsty for a man. Why I let a man manipulate me. Why I let a man have control over me to the point that I let them kick my mom to the curb (figuratively). Yes, she says those words to me like I'm a whore. And honestly speaking, it's the opposite. I think she just can't accept that there are other people in the world who can love me right, that there are other ideas other than her own.

She thinks of me as a gem that's been tarnished. Like, I'm sorry I can make my own decisions thank you.

She prays that I wont get abused from my fiancé. The only abuse I get is from her and no matter what I say she just can't listen "Fine! I'm the devil! I'm not perfect! I'm the worst mother! I should die! Just go to your perfect new family!"

To be fair, she is the only grandparent we get to spend time with almost everyday and its always not enough and always a source of resentment. Fiances parents live abroad. My dad is in another city, SHE lives a houses down.

When she needs, as long as im available and an emergency, I go. Even when she just wants some food cooked for her. But its always not enough. I am always not enough.

And she wonders why I'm drifting away. It's not my fiancé or his family. Not money. Not material things. It's her.

I love her and I am sorry that I am more aware now, but I cannot let her continue.
And I could also say the same for her as well - she made her bed, let her sleep on it.

[Methuen]

Hi Unicornlaxative,

When I read the first part of your post (your mom's post), it was immediately clear to me that this is someone who has built a false narrative for herself, and is creating drama, division, and pointing fingers at everyone but herself.  It sounds like an unhealthy person.  What I am really saying, is any sane person can pick up on the fact that there is something "off". 

Since your mom put it in the family group chat, I speculate that people will either ignore it (nobody wants to read that), align with her (which means they too have issues), or will see it for what it is (unhealthy and destructive).

Truthfully, I sense that you feel you needed to explain, hence you followed your mom's script with the "context" explanation.

I'm here to say you don't need to explain anything to anybody.  It won't help anything.  It won't make you look better.  In fact in a wierd kind of way, if anything, it could make you look more guilty.

Honestly, I would let her words in that post do the talking, cs they come across sounding a bit possessed and consumed and nutty, IMHO.

My advice would be to meet that post with silence.  It doesn't even deserve a response.

In that way, you are staying out of her drama.  You can resist being pulled into the black hole.  You can take the higher road. 

Not getting a response will drive her crazy.  She should sit with that.

In the meantime, what you could work on is your feeling that you need to explain yourself.  You don't.  I say this from experience.  I used to feel like that too.  It's been a process, but in a lot of ways I have detached my feelings from my mom's feelings, so when my mom tries to play these "feeling games" I don't get involved.  It isn't easy, but it gets better over time.

Your thoughts?

[seekingpeace2day]

Unicorn, Thank you for posting and I agree with Methuen - this is not about you, and responding will not help. I especially thank you for posting because I am a victim of a smear campaign and can 100% relate to wanting to respond, so that everyone will know the truth. But responding will only validate that what your mother said warrants a response.

I was taught that people need to be accountable for their words. Once at a dinner party, I was having an animated (and great) conversation with one of my parents' friends. My parents were the hosts. Something about me being myself made my father anxious, and he slammed his hand on the table and said, "[My Name!] [ramble ramble]." About 20 dinner guests were shocked, and you could have heard a pin drop. I kept my mouth 100% shut and did not say a single word. I and everyone looked at him. My conversation partner (20y older than I) laughed it off, and soon enough things moved on... but it was clear to everyone that this was about HIM. I left the table 5 minutes later and did not return.

Another strategy that can help make people own their words is to ask them what to do. One time, at a holiday party (again at my parents house - lesson there), a number of guests including me drank too much wine. And at the time, I was overweight. After everyone left, my father (in his underwear, which was bizarre) came outside and berated me about being obese and drinking like a fish. I had prepared with a recovery friend for just this sort of interaction. So I calmly asked my father, "What would you suggest to lose weight?" And he was totally stunned and shut the heck up on the spot. Then he switched to, "I just say this because I care" or some other abuser BS.

I don't know if any of that resonates, but either way be gentle with yourself. Post here not there.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I will second Methuen here...

I think we have been raised with so much BS that when it is our own BPD parent talking, it almost feels like they are making sense, so we want to justify ourselves, we want to defend ourselves. Like... We have heard it so much that their crazy narrative now makes perfect sense to us.

But to everyone around , especially sane and safe people : it doesn't.

If my mother wrote this kind of thing, because it is my mother, because of the emotional enmeshement, I would also feel a need to explain the context, to rationalize it, because of the emotional trauma bond.

But reading YOUR mother : I can assure you, no explanation is needed, this is a terrible message that does nothing for her except showing clearly how unhealthy her thinking is.

Give yourself compassion, and congratulations for finding yourself a safe husband, who is able to both trust you and protect you, and to protect himself. You have done nothing wrong, and I am grateful that you found a loving relationship to grow in. My husband changed me for the best. For the first time ever, I had someone loving me and offering me a safe space to be, and I was able to untangle much of my trauma and emotional enmeshment with both my parents with my husband's support and tough love.

Your mother is jealous, and it's part of her illness to refuse to set you free... Thankfully, you now have people who love you to support you in this journey. 

[Couscous]

Yikes, your mother sounds a bit like a cult leader…. But you know, Jesus actually warned us to watch out for false prophets, and personally, I have hard time believing that message that was “revealed” to her could have come from God. Her behavior is beyond the pale, especially from someone who claims to be a Christian.

Does your mother believe that she is in some kind of position of spiritual authority over you?

I highly recommend that you consider seeking out another fellowship or Bible study group that she is not connected to, ideally one in which there is no hair-pulling going on…

It hurts me that she really believes that I would abandon her for a man -

What she refers to as “abandonment” is you doing your God given duty, which is to leave your parents and start your new family. To her it feels like you are abandoning her, but feelings are not facts, and she is twisting around biblical principles to guilt-trip you for wanting to lead your own life.

Matthew 19:5-6

and said ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.? Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Your fiancé sounds like a really decent guy to be putting up with your mother and aunt the way he has, but also is willing to set boundaries when he needs to. No wonder your mother dislikes him so much … she probably dislikes anyone who has boundaries. 

[zachira]

So sad that your mother sent you this type of message. As other members have said, a healthy person will see the message for what it is, and those people who are not safe to be around won't.

[Mommydoc]

Wow, that post from your mom to the group chat is a doozy.  Christmas and the holidays seem to surface and amplify so many things. I agree, that her narrative is pretty easy for most normal people to see through.  My guess is most of your family will scratch their head and try not to engage.  Many will quietly feel bad for you.   Your fiancé sounds like a very positive influence in your life.  Your mother will never see that however. 

One of the most valuable tools I have learned here is to not JADE.  It’s really hard when your mom posted something so publicly. I find that my close friends and family often encourage me to “explain or defend”  myself, but through this forum, therapy, and a lot of trial and error, I have learned it never works, and tends to just amplify things.  I highly recommend Bill Eddy’s book on BIFF, it is a short read and has numerous practical examples on how to respond. I find I reference it frequently.

Welcome to this forum unicornlaxative.  I have taken a little break recently but over the years it has been such a great source of learning for me . It is great to see the support you have received from so many of my forum friends, and to glean their wisdom. I am so grateful to all of you.  Wishing you all the best for a wonderful new year.