A new kid in a messed up family

[etown]

Hello everyone,

I've had a period of relative calm when it comes to my family. I went no contact with my BPD Mom a few years ago, and it's been relatively chill. I've been able to do some work on myself and become more centred, which has helped me strengthen the relationships that make me feel valued.

That list of relationships where I feel valued has never included my sibling. He and I share a lot of trauma around our childhood, and he's always kind of blamed me for how bad things were. I was so heavily parentified in our family, to the point where my mom expected me to take over raising him when he was 17 and I was only just 20 and starting college after a few rocky years. He also has a terrible temper and has been mean to me over the years--making comments about my weight or calling me names when we're together. I can feel how tense he is around me, and I don't know if that's just how he is, or if I'm a trigger for him. He's also been violent with partners in the past, which just makes me want to stay away from him more. I feel bad because I know the root of his behaviour is the same trauma I carry around, but I feel so much better when we're not around each other.

So we haven't really spoken in the last few years, and I've been mostly okay with that. But suddenly, he reached out to tell me he's having a kid. It's pretty unexpected. I didn't know he even wanted one. I've never met his current partner and I know nothing about their relationship. He's obviously over the moon and so is my mom. I love kids though I don't have any of my own. I'm happy for him, but reticent to repeat the mistakes of the past, to show up for my family and be treated like garbage. My instinct is to keep my distance, but I feel like a real jerk avoiding what might be a healing time for us. Is that a thing that happens? Can a completely messed up group of people come together and not be messed up around a new baby?

This board has been so much help to me in the past. Maybe you could share some wisdom or commiseration now.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Is that a thing that happens? Can a completely messed up group of people come together and not be messed up around a new baby?

Not in my experience.

My children are what brought back BPD mother into my life, full blown, because she wanted to be the best grandmother ever.

She was not abusive to them (yet?), but remained hostile toward me anytime things didn't go her way.

She has been very close to my nephew and niece. They are teenagers now, and she tries, again and again, to recruit my nephew as a caretaker for her. Told him his parents loved his sister more than him, tried to wedge him against his mother for as long as I can remember.

Truth be told... My brother is also a piece of work and I understand your compassion towards yours, some kind of "trauma bond". We know what we have been through, yet we didn't live it the same way though.

My brother also took my mother's side for the most part, and I also feel this triggering feeling when he is around, like he is uncomfortable.

My brother drinks, takes drugs, buys everything, is bipolar... He is a bit of a mess with a very big heart. I love him dearly... But if he ever calls me to tell me he is having a child... I would feel scared for the child, and a bit desperate.I love him, but I feel he is not fit to be a parent... But then, people change, they come around, I want to believe that too... But first they have to have a bit of self awareness, and a capacity for introspection.

In the end, I don't know... it is his life, and his decision, and one never knows what will set someone off toward their healing journey. Could be a child.

How do you feel? You want distance, and I hear part of you hope it will somehow heal the cycle of abuse of your family... It might heal your brother truth be told... Sometimes, having a child does wake us up... It certainly woke me up. So all hope is not lost.

But for your mother... Does she know she has BPD? Is she opened to treatment? It is a personality disorder, so it will not go away without intent to heal and change on her part, on all of your parts.

Will she abuse the kid? Truthfully, maybe not. Is you brother fit to be a parent? You will know soon enough...

Those are outside your control in the end...

What is in your control is this:
Do YOU want to be in the child's life?
Do YOU want to be a source of stability and love for the child, as an emotionally stable aunt?
Do you feel it your responsibility? It is ok if you don't feel this way. Some do, some don't...

In the end, if you go in, it has to be with no expectations of change in the family dynamics between you and your mother, and you and your brother. It might change a bit, but I would lower my expectations... Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, with boundaries, self-care and healthy emotional detachment... That's what I'd do, I think.

[Turkish]

It says something that he reached out. If it were me, I'd re-engage, maybe carefully. The worst that might happen is that you need to go LC or NC again. If not, you'll never know. The upside is being an uncle, yes?

[Couscous]

 

Can a completely messed up group of people come together and not be messed up around a new baby?

Not in my family. New babies only increased the level of dysfunction, and were routinely used as weapons. 

So proceed with great caution. Keep some emotional distance unless your brother makes a solid commitment to his recovery. Because if he does not, it is an exceedingly painful thing to witness one’s nieces and nephews being traumatized and not be able to do damned thing about it. It reopens a lot of old childhood wounds.

[Notwendy]

My instinct is to keep my distance, but I feel like a real jerk avoiding what might be a healing time for us. Is that a thing that happens? Can a completely messed up group of people come together and not be messed up around a new baby?

I doubt it. If you don't want to get back into the messy dynamics and also want to acknowledge the new baby, one idea is to send a baby gift.

This way, you haven't ignored the new baby but also not gotten too close. One suggestion is a medium chill relationship with your brother, similar to an acquaintance or coworker. You would send a baby gift- something for the baby to wear or a toy the baby can use later,  but not visit, spend time together, or get emotionally involved.

[zachira]

It sounds like you really care about the new baby. I know I have special love for the children of my NPD sister. Growing up, my aunts and uncles from both sides of the family, many of whom who were family scapegoats like myself, cared about me and gave me special attention.

[missing NC]

Dear etown,

My heart feels so heavy reading your post about your brother's impending fatherhood.  I resonate with your longing for a healthy family that could come together in a constructive way around the new baby. 

In answer to your parting question, I would say it depends on the level of dysfunction.  If your brother is "moderately" impaired, you might be able to have a relationship with your niece or nephew with strictly enforced boundaries with the rest of your family.  In such a case, you might be able to provide a positive counterbalancing influence in the child's life. 

However, two elements in your message worry me - that fact that your brother has been physically abusive with past partners and that fact that your mom is also impaired.  Those issues make me wonder if he or the combination of brother/mom might constitute a more severe problem, which raises a host of potential pitfalls for you. 

Unfortunately, I have a severely cluster B sibling who has two children.  Keeping in mind that this is only one family's experience - the introduction of children made her much, much worse.  I am hesitant to list the potential pitfalls of children as pawns but can do so if it would be of use to you. 

One concrete suggestion I would like to share is that if you do establish a relationship with the child, it would be important to also build strong ties to the mother so that if she breaks up with your brother due to abuse she will be less likely to sever the child's connection with you.  If you do move forward, the slow and moderate approach suggested earlier in the thread is an excellent idea.  I wish you the best of luck!

[pursuingJoy]

My family reached out after a period of NC, and my counselor surprised me when she advised me to respond and connect, safely. She felt I was ready to set boundaries if/when things went south. It was less about them and what they needed or might do, and more about me and my journey to healing and growth.

I can see pros and cons to each decision. No matter what you decide, we're here to support you.

[livednlearned]

I'm happy for him, but reticent to repeat the mistakes of the past, to show up for my family and be treated like garbage.

What would showing up for them look like?

[etown]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. It's given me a lot to think about.

I'm not worried that my mother will be outright abusive. More likely, my mom and brother will argue a great deal around the child. They have a very intense relationship and it makes me tired just thinking about it.

The whole thing is tricky because we don't live in the same city (a choice I made a long time ago specifically to distance myself from them). To become close to the child, I would have to travel to their city. On the one hand, this distance makes it easier to set timelines around our interaction (I'm there for three days and that's it). Other the other hand, it puts a kind of pressure on our interactions if I go specifically to see them.

It would be easier if my brother had made any effort to connect before this. I didn't hear from him at all for a few years, then out of the blue, he wants me to travel there and act like everything is normal? Another complication is that our father will be visiting (our parents have been divorced since we were small children), and he is not someone I feel terribly comfortable around either. 

Honestly, I feel like kind of a failure for not being able to maintain these relationships. The more solid I've felt in my own mental health, the more absurd it seemed to continually hide my feelings for fear of setting off my family. But then they dangle this idea of some kind of normalcy, and I think, what's wrong with me that I don't want to be a part of that? Why can't I trust them? If they're all coming together like it's no big deal, maybe I'm the problem.

You know what I mean?

[etown]

I should note: my mom was diagnosed BPD about 15 years ago now. She's had intensive therapy in the past and it helped for a while but she's relapsed pretty hard. My brother grew up with all kinds of behavioural and learning disorders but they were never really named or understood when we were kids. I don't know where he is with that now. My dad was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic when I was a kid but he claims those were just episodes. He's pretty stable now from what I can tell, but I suspect he might have npd tendencies from his behaviour over the years.

I have always been labeled the stable one.

Fun family, right?

[pursuingJoy]

If they're all coming together like it's no big deal, maybe I'm the problem.

You know what I mean?

I DO. Dangling normalcy - what a great way to put it. I've felt this way with my FOO and with my in-laws.  

You're not the problem. You have sight they don't have. Maybe they want to be blind, maybe they haven't been given the tools to see, but it's their blindness that allows them to get together like there's nothing wrong.

What do YOU want out of this? Healing? Peace of mind? Clarity? Relationship with your baby niece/nephew? A halfway decent visit? The ability to say no without feeling guilt?

What steps can you take to get what you want?