Maintaining a relationship with my dad while having no contact with my BPD mom.

[GrowingForward]

I am writing this first post, curious if anyone else here is able to maintain a healthy relationship with one parent while having no contact with the other. I have been no contact with my mom for 9 months now and don’t see getting back in contact with her again, (this is not the first time I have gone no contact with her and each attempt to restart contact with boundaries has backfired horribly), both of my parents are retired and in their 80s. A couple months ago my dad reached out to meet for coffee and we have met twice, mostly for brief chit chat about subjects far removed from family issues.

I love and respect my dad, I see he did his best raising my sister and I despite having married an abusive, chaotic woman with major untreated issues, including BPD. Sadly he is very codependent and from the sounds of it, repeated trauma from his own childhood, his mom had similar issues, and that lead to him marrying my mother. He has always absorbed abuse from her and has been subservient to her rage-fueled demands. He always stubbornly tried to be peacemaker with her while she lashed out at him, my sister and I when we were growing up and he seems to unrealistically hold out hope that both my sister and I will somehow mend things with our mother.

I hope to spell things out clearly to him that I have no interest in being involved with my mom anymore, and hope he respects that. I know he is between a rock and hard place in this situation, and I wish I could include him with my family (I am married and have children, so it sucks they don’t really get to know him under current circumstances). As much as I want to involve him in our lives I know he shares everything with my BPD mom and is likely to put her demands before his own needs to be involved with his children and grand children.

Has anyone successfully had a decent relationship with one parent while having no contact with the other? Tips and advice would be greatly appreciated in this fragile, awkward situation! Thanks to anyone who’s read this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi, welcome !

Great timing, I just wrote a very long answer about my stepfather in another post (healing from scapegoating)... It seems The Board has talked and now is time to process my relationship with my stepfather ! ... Crazy coincidence.

To answer your question though, I personally haven't, and just realized that I remain estranged from my stepfather to protect him, in a very sick and twisted way, from my mother's abuse.

I have no idea how to navigate estrangement with my mother, while keeping a bond with my stepfather... I think it makes more sense though, and might be possible for you because he is your father. For me... The fact that he is my stepfather makes it a bit more complicated, as he is first and foremost my mother's partner and I already have a father... I love him, but the "step" in front of his name makes it awfully complicated.

I have hope for you though, because he is your father and he has a biological insentive to remain in contact with you and your children, if you want him to have a place in their life, that is.

What is the worst that could happen in you being frank and honest with him about the no-future of your relationship with your mother? Can you identify your fears, and what is keeping you from having this discussion with him?

Seeing how he reached out to you for coffee tells me he wants to have you in his life... I doubt he did it at her request. Maybe she doesn't even know?

[Couscous]

This article might be useful to you:

https://reconnectionclub.com/partial-estrangement/

[livednlearned]

I hope to spell things out clearly to him that I have no interest in being involved with my mom anymore, and hope he respects that.

Another possibility is to simply tell him you want a relationship, and you will not discuss your mom. 

I was estranged from my father for 7 years while being in contact with my mom. I had to go through different iterations to find a way that worked for me. At first, she set the terms and that led to nothing but kicking my emotions into high gear. The overall message was to get back in line.

Initially, there was a pattern to her visits. Day one was light-hearted, happy, fun. Day two she would begin hinting. Day three she would be in tears about the estrangement. By the time she left I would be an emotional wreck.

For me, I learned to not take any bait. I didn't discuss what I was doing because those conversations often opened the whole can, leading to the same outcome: me an emotional wreck. I simply learned how to recognize bait and let it dangle.

My mother's codependence took me a long time to fully understand. She is much more covert in her manipulations and at the end of the day, her goals are different than mine. I welcomed her into my home but I kept doors closed, and while she continued to hope for a reunion, those conversations tapered off and they definitely did not go through the full cycle once I saw my role more clearly.

I was also careful what I shared. I'm certain that the reason my mom was *allowed* to have a relationship with me is because information she gathered meant my dad could behave as though he knew what was going on in my life. He is very narcissistic with a large network of shallow acquaintances. Being estranged wasn't a good look for him.

One time my mother was visiting and she used an old computer. She's not computer savvy, and she left open an email to my dad that she wrote while visiting. It was filled with lies about things I said. I'm guessing she was trying to put words in my mouth that would appease my dad and make him feel better, maybe so she was allowed to be in my life? I don't know. It was a turning point, realizing that she is a kinder accomplice, but she is still an accomplice.

It feels better knowing that I cannot fully trust her, to be honest. It helps me set boundaries and not be suckered into thinking her loyalty is with me. That helps me manage our relationship and have a more realistic view of where her allegiances lie.

[todayistheday]

This is what I would like to figure out how to do. However, my h-BPD mom (see sig) is the gatekeeper to him.

They too are in their 80s.

Henpecked doesn't even begin to describe him.  There is NOTHING he can do right.  The way he eats, walks, talks, ...  She yells at him about EVERYTHING.  And he is so sweet.  Any "mistake" he makes, he's berated for. 

His birthday was last week.  I spent 3 days at their house then.  I isolated for a few days before going and tested before going, given their ages and the infection rate. 

I spent most of the time with him.  They do not stay in the same room in the house.  He loves to eat breakfast and she only allows him to have cereal and skim milk for breakfast.  He's not allowed to cook.  He goes out to breakfast every chance he can get -- without her knowledge -- he does it when he's gone somewhere else.   I had said something to Mom when talking about meals that I'd take him out for lunch on his birthday since we weren't having his birthday meal until the next day - due to more family members being around. 

Dad was talking about places he goes for breakfast when we were together.  I told him that if he could find a reason to get out, I'd take him anywhere he wanted for breakfast.  He did sort of want a local greasy spoon that he rarely goes to.  So the next morning, he told Mom he was going to get me to take him to a big box to buy an item.  Then we went to breakfast and then big box.  She had to know that we probably ate.  She did say that she wondered why we were gone so long.  I just said something about walking around looking at a lot of things.  (And I did buy something too.)

He rarely gets out from under her thumb.  Breakfast seemed like such a little thing to me.  But I've talked to him several times since then and he keeps telling me how much he enjoyed it. 

You never know what's going to make someone happy.  Especially someone who is almost 90 years old.

My husband suggested that in order to see him without her that I make arrangements to meet him for breakfast again on a Saturday.  It's a two hour drive to get there, but would be worth it.