NC, long distance, & sad that FOO doesn't know my kiddo

[WalkbyFaith]

The tldr:  I guess I am just feeling sad today that my FOO doesn't know my child.

My kiddo is 2 years old and is just in this amazing, fun stage: learning so much, saying new words and phrases all the time, beginning to use that wild imagination, having spontaneous one-person dance parties... it's just so fun and I wish I could share it with my FOO.

I'm currently NC, since April of this year.

We also live thousands of miles away, so even the extended family I am still in contact with (my grandmas and my aunt) have only met my kiddo once or twice ever. (we have to travel to them; they do not travel here.)

Not looking for anything in particular; just sharing today's grief.

[Notwendy]

I think we here understand there's grief at times. Grief that this isn't the "normal" we wished for.

I can tell from your user name that the value "honor parents" is an important one but so is protecting our families from toxic, manipulative and potentially abusive people. It's a struggle to balance these two important ideals.

Ultimately though, we have to protect those who are most vulnerable, who are entrusted to us to be the best we can be for them and to protect them. I too have been in the tough position of trying to make my parents happy and also protect my children from BPD mother's behavior.

I know I fall short of "making my parents happy" but this isn't the same as honoring them. Perhaps honoring them could mean not allowing them to be emotionally harmful to my children, yet having the kind of boundary I need to have with my BPD mother is not the expected normal we usually see.

And what about us? Don't we have an obligation to take care of our own well being and not allow people to be hurtful to us? I think we do.

But it's not always easy and we may second guess ourselves. I hope that when you look at that precious toddler and know you are giving that child a different childhood and a loving parent that you are doing something right.

[lm1109]

Hi WalkbyFaith! I totally understand the grief...it comes in waves. I feel it for my children as well. I have been NC with my parents since November and about a year or so prior to that we lost my father in law to cancer and he was an absolutely amazing Pap Pap to my kids. The grief has been really hard at times. I've even had a few moments of weakness where I questioned wether I was doing the right thing by staying NC(both of my parents stopped talking to my children to hurt me when I put up boundaries)

I remind myself in these moments that what I am wishing for is a fairytale...my parents are mentally ill and refuse help...having a relationship with them was extremely damaging to me and in turn to my children. I wish that things were different...but they're not and most likely never will be. Being my kids Mother and protecting them is my top priority and thats what I'm doing.

And what about us? Don't we have an obligation to take care of our own well being and not allow people to be hurtful to us? I think we do.

But it's not always easy and we may second guess ourselves. I hope that when you look at that precious toddler and know you are giving that child a different childhood and a loving parent that you are doing something right.

Agreed. I have to remind myself this ALL the time! Grief is inevitable and we are actually doing the RIGHT thing by feeling it(rather than bypassing/numbing) and as painful as it is we are doing the right thing by protecting ourselves and our children! As our kids get older friendships can become more like family and those extended familial "roles" can be filled by people who are not damaging to us.

All this to say...I get it...and I'm sending you SO much support!

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's a sad choice, and in "normal" situations doesn't happen. Loving parents protect their children and their grandchildren.

I grew up in a situation where this kind of "protection" was inconsistent. Somehow I expected my father to understand why I wanted to protect my children from BPD mother, to not have them experience what I did.

I don't know how this happens, but I think the "non" parent must have to suspend their sense of reality when it comes to their spouse. I guess it's for the sake of their relationship that they value.

But it's different for the children. While we want to love and honor our parents, we are not "in love" with them and if we are in the position to raise children, we know that our main job is to love and protect them.

This isn't a decision made without regrets and grief but the idea of not protecting my children and not rocking the boat with BPD mother, letting her enlist my kids as emotional caretakers and manipulate them to meet her needs felt like a violation of their purpose, their childhoods.

Naturally, I expect them to act respectful to their grandparents, but it's not their job to meet BPD mother's emotional needs but somehow every contact with her becomes about meeting her needs.

The other fear, a fear that has been founded with other people I care about is her triangulation. She sees people as "on her side" and "not her side" and she began to attempt to do this with my children against me. I don't know if she would have been successful or not, but I couldn't take this risk. She already had succeeded with my father and her extended family and I could not allow this with my kids.

They are young adults now. She still calls them sometimes. Fortunately, they have their own boundaries with her now. I still find it irritating as I know she's looking to them for some sort of gratification for herself. Yet, normally a grandmother would like to talk to her grandkids, so there's a sense of letting it happen and trusting my kids at this point. Trying to intervene might just add to the drama. They don't want any part in any drama.

[Riv3rW0lf]

The other fear, a fear that has been founded with other people I care about is her triangulation. She sees people as "on her side" and "not her side" and she began to attempt to do this with my children against me. I don't know if she would have been successful or not, but I couldn't take this risk. She already had succeeded with my father and her extended family and I could not allow this with my kids.

This is what I hold onto when I feel grief.

My mother doesn't hate me, I know she loves me behind the disturbed veil of her illness. But with it over her eyes, she sees me as an ungrateful daughter that just wants to hurt her, and in no world would she be able to let me be the loving and supportive mother I aim to be with my children.

She is a wonderful grandmother but a dangerous mother to me.

WalkbyFaith, someone here told me once : if being in contact with your mother doesn't allow you to be the best version of yourself with your children, then she is hurting your children.

Enjoy those wonderful first years with peace of mind. You are doing well by them. What you are grieving might not be your BPD mother presence in their life, but maybe the idea you had of what a good grandmother would have been for them and for you... We didn't have a healthy mother, and we also have to grieve the healthy grandmother we won't know. One day at a time.