Medical help/therapy when they don’t think they need it

[Seoulsister]

Hi everyone. MIL is bipolar/BPD and has cycles of unstable behavior. Things have gotten worse in the past few years and came to a head last summer when FIL slapped MIL, she called the cops and had him arrested. They’re both in their 70s, married 50+ years and no prior DV. There was talk of divorce but they chose to “start over” and they are miserable. She has painted him black and things are bad again this summer.  I’m worried that they will escalate again.

She is now claiming he shows signs of dementia and is demanding he go see a neurologist for an eval. The thing is; she says the same thing each time she has a cycle. He has had 3 evals in the past 5 years with no indication of dementia. This time HE sent out a mass email to family/neighbors stating he is showing signs of dementia and listing all of the points that MIL makes. (Like losing a set of keys  ) It is like he is a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome!

Obviously no one can force them to see a psychiatrist/therapist, but is there anything we can do to assist with mental health help? They’ve alienated most family and don’t have much support.They’re together in their home almost 24 hrs a day. It’s like watching a slow motion wreck. Anytime my husband or his sibling brings up her behavior she says “children shouldn’t “diagnose” their parents, they should love them unconditionally”…and FIL won’t say a word. 

How do we help loved ones who don’t want help?

[Mommydoc]

It’s sounds like a very heartbreaking situation. First step is probably accepting that you can only offer help, frequently it won’t be accepted. Listening and validating when you can, while maintaining your own boundaries, and resisting your own urges “to fix”. You will just get sucked in, and things could get turned on you as the in-law. Lastly make sure you are supporting your husband and his siblings, they probably can and will accept and need your help.

[Mommydoc]

The evaluation for dementia is very objective and so if his only symptom is losing the keys, he should pass with flying colors. (By that criteria, I should probably be tested too). It’s helpful to have a baseline. I saw subtle signs of cognitive loss in my mom and had her tested about 10 years ago… and the test didn’t pick it up. But now she has the testing a couple times a year. Having the initial baseline actually helped a lot. So, perhaps  you suggest they both get the testing done ( a geriatrics physician can do it) to see where they are.

[Seoulsister]

Thank you, I appreciate your responses. Thanks for the gentle reminder about radical acceptance. It’s so difficult to watch but there’s nothing anyone but them can do.

I like the idea of suggesting they both be evaluated. I think he will pass with flying colors as her criteria for his loss of cognitive abilities seems to be things which inconvenience her.