can a partner stabilise someone?

[aero0421]

I've been wondering this for a while as I learn more about the world of trauma, PTSD and borderlines.

For a high-functioning person with borderline traits (but not enough to qualify for a full on PD), why are they able to be stable in one relationship, but volatile in another? Or stable for several years, and then become unstable again?

Would a calm, stoic partner make them stable? And if so, is that sustainable in the long term?Or would they inevitably become distraught over time with the push/pull cycles?

I realise everyone and every situation is different, so of course this is all hypothetical. But would be curious to hear thoughts from people's experiences and observations.

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[Highlander]

Hi aero0421,

I agree, every situation is different, my story is rather unique as not many people fully & clinically recover from BPD & my low functioning dBPD Husband has been in recovery now for 8+ years. 

Since recovery, we have spoken about his life journey with BPD a lot.

Why was he stable in one relationship, but volatile in another? 

We figured out that much of his BPD was suppressed by use of hard drugs for 12 years before we met.  We're assuming that his need to go to the needle when he couldn't control his emotions was his SH outlet.  When we met & a stressful life situation occurred, he couldn't use his usual outlet (as I told him I would not stay with him if he went back to hard drugs), so he began revisiting other methods, he'd used in his childhood immediately before he used hard drugs.  Therefore, we really can't compare his behaviour with other partners before me.  However, I do know he had many tumultuous relationships before me but his BPD skyrocketed not long after we met, mind you, he left hard drug behind just before we met.

Or stable for several years, and then become unstable again?

During treatment Hubby needed to recognise & avoid (if he could) his triggers.  For him it was his FOO as they have uNPD, therefore play manipulative games with us & caused him intense trauma.

Would a calm, stoic partner make them stable?

Both Hubby & I & his therapists all believe that I helped stabilise his condition & then recovery.  I saw the same therapists as he did and learnt skills to stay calm as well as to help to calm him.  However, I don't believe I was the main factor - just one.  Much of it was because Hubby worked extremely hard to become well.  Could he have without my support?  Not sure.

And if so, is that sustainable in the long term?

It's been over 8+ years & in that time he has faced unimaginable adversities that no doubt, would have triggered his BPD to return, including having close contact with his FOO whereby they continued with their evil manipulations & he still hasn't relapsed. 

There are times that the odd trait, generally only the 'splitting' trait rears it's ugly head but is quickly squashed when I say to him "You're Splitting".  He immediately recongises he is, stops & apologises (if splitting towards me).  Generally no other traits other than depression.  He has also eradicated his main trigger - his entire FOO from his life, becoming completely estranged from them, even changing his name so they can't find him.

Very long term? 

It's hard to say what would happen if a tragic event occurred.  For as long as I'm alive, seeing I went through treatment with him & have managed to be his listening ear & truly understand him, I believe I can help him stay healthy, like we did 6 years ago when that unimaginable event happened to him, that in the past would have triggered him for sure.  If I died before him, I have warned his daughter to recognise BPD traits & to look out for him.

[Rev]

Great question - and Highlander has given a super, super answer.

I'd add the following just for nuance...  A stable partner can provide the stability necessary for a person to become themselves more stable. This is in fact a major principle behind DBT.

Rev

[thankful person]

My dbpdw went through dbt therapy before we got together, which helped her to beat her self harm and eating disorder. She considered herself cured, but she was still treating me extremely badly and was angry, controlling, jealous and paranoid.

On finding bpd family, I made all the advised changes to validate, not JADE, take better care of myself, set down boundaries and stand up for myself. My wife struggled to cope with the new me. But eventually she accepted the changes I was making.

The change in her has been incredible. Most of the time she is so much more reasonable and behaves much more sanely. She is much less angry and shows me more respect. This is all in response to changes I have made, and with no effort from her (she never thought she had a problem and knows nothing of my personal journey on here).

Two things come to mind: firstly, were she to get a new ignorant partner, the usual caretaking type with self-worth issues… she would immediately regress with a vengeance and make their life hell (unintentionally). Secondly, were I to lose a grip on things, the same thing could potentially happen to my relationship with her. I slip up sometimes and don’t always respond perfectly, but I know I can generally bring her back to a place of calm and if not that she will hopefully be there tomorrow. So I don’t think that will happen.

But yes, this journey has led me to believe that if I had had more self-respect and knowledge from the beginning then things would never have rapidly become so bad, and we could have even had a workable relationship from the beginning.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I was always under the impression that C-PTSD sufferers could be helped by a stable partner, but BPD not so much. Maybe they get less aggressive though, my mother raged a bit less when she met her current boyfriend... But she is still BPD, thats quite clear. No recovery there. If anything she became quiet for a while until it came back in full force when he got more fragile physically. She still raged at us quite a bit.

On the other hand, I thought I might be a recovered BPD, based on how I acted in my early twenties VS now. But as it turned out, it is C-PTSD, not BPD... Leaving to live away from my FOO for 6years is what helped me. Seeing and keeping my mother around would inevitably lead to me being triggered and symptoms reappearing. So I am not in contact anymore.

I am quite sane when I am not triggered. But when I am, suicide ideation, self-harm, drugs/alcool use, depression and anxiety kick in, and I snap easily. Yet, I am able to be empathetic, and I can see I hurt people, so I isolate myself usually... When I don't, I do hurt people I love. I am much less aggressive than my mother though, who meets the whole spectrum of BPD. Key is everything for me is turned inward. I shut down. Not with silent treatment, I just shut down and leave my body for a while. Thankfully it is manageable... Only was triggered (the big ones...) twice since I met my current husband and left my FOO to leave elsewhere.

It is true that by not trying to calm me down, and by calling me out instead of caring for me, my husband actually helped me learn to self-soothe better. He has quite a temper himself... Other boyfriends I had were caretaker and I would eat them alive...one of them did end up in therapy because of me. No amount of being sorry will ease the shame I feel about everything I said to him...

Now it seems the intensity of the triggers has reduced over time, as I learned tools to help calm myself and care for myself, and I don't get triggered quite as much either. Maybe his own narcissistic tendancies and impulsivity does help stabilize my C-PTSD for some reasons... The timeline would make sense. Maybe we cancel each other out somehow...except when we don't.. which does happen from time to time.

As for my mother, I highly doubt she will ever change, no matter who she is with. It is ingrained in her, in her very bones. If anything, she became more and more narcissistic as she aged, which I think is a direct response to her BPD symptoms. Narcissistic traits seem to protect her somehow from her depressive meltdowns...

[thankful person]

I was always under the impression that C-PTSD sufferers could be helped by a stable partner, but BPD not so much.

With reference to my dbpdw, I am no expert, she was diagnosed bpd but has severe trauma in her past. She is conventional bpd with her history of self harm and suicide attempts. But has more in common with many partners of people in bpd family, in that she does not believe she has a problem and never ever says sorry or outwardly expresses any self-hatred or dissatisfaction (only with her figure). I am inclined to think that maybe C-PTSD may be a better diagnosis for her which is maybe why she has mostly responded so so well to all the techniques I now use to help her and keep things calm.

[zondolit]

I will give a different answer based on my experience, and I'm interested in what people think.

My marriage and my husband were "stable" for more than a decade. Then we went to marriage therapy and I started seeing our marriage in a new light. I started making changes. While my not JADEing and staying calm are stabilizing on my husband, other healthy changes I made destabilized him and our marriage. These include:

• setting and holding limits
• avoiding being blinded by a sense of duty and obligation
• no longer taking on problem-solving for him
• letting him do his own job instead of subsidizing it with my finances and labor
• opening my own bank account since his use of household finances was not transparent
• letting his emotions be for him to manage
• walking away from interactions that are unproductive or making me feel badly

Maybe with enough time he will accept these changes and become more stable? For now, after a year of me gradually making these changes, he has become increasingly erratic and suspicious (after initially responding with increased anger).

So, I've experienced both stability and instability in our marriage. The earlier stability, as I see it, was because I was willing to go along with what he asked of me at the cost of my being unhappy, lonely, and resentful. The instability is because I am essentially standing up for myself and not entering into codependency. I'm sure a "good stability" is possible but we have not achieved it.

[Username_Taken]

As someone who no longer meets the diagnostic criteria for BPD, yes. The first few years of my relationship was long distance and quite volatile, with us breaking up and getting back together repeatedly. There was also a lot of cycling as I would get bored of the calm and look outside the relationship for validation. As we progressed his non-reactivity to my rages and temper tantrums really helped me feel safe, it got to the point where rages were few and far between. I was able to figure out what the actual triggers under them were and then I felt them even less. Though towards the end of our 17 years I realized he didn't actually treat me that well himself and we had been mutually disrespectful to each other. I ended that relationship and my very next one brought out a lot of traits that I thought were long gone, to the point where at 34 I finally got myself a diagnosis. When I shared it with my ex he wasn't the least bit surprised.