New here

[Loverofreality]

Just started reading the Walking on Eggshells books and felt very validated to see my daughter's behavioral patterns in print.  They mentioned this forum in the book.  I have a 17-year-old daughter who has numerous BPD traits; it truly is like living in Oz.  I'm heartbroken watching the destruction in her life over the last year and feeling powerless to stop it.  I hate to say it, but if she weren't my child, I wouldn't have her in my life.  She lies about me to present herself as a victim to others, who then enable her behavior.  I love her, but feel that she is a danger to me because she lies and manipulates so much, and seems to have no conscience or remorse about it.  I don't know how to live outside of reality nor do I want to so that makes me the perpetual bad guy.  I want to help her, but she's not to the point of recognizing her own behavior.  She's been in therapy since the 7th grade, but it has basically been a sounding board for her perceived victim status rather than addressing her actual issues.  I'm at a loss.  It feels like I've lost my daughter to this disorder.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KBug]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this drama and pain. You are in the right place. I just wrote a similar post about my 24 yo step daughter who regularly makes false accusations against my husband, and occasionally, me. We've had to set a boundary that she's not allowed to be alone with us or live with us. We might reconsider this boundary pending the outcome of family therapy that she won't agree to participate in. I am so angry, hurt, sad, afraid...

BPD is a tough journey for the people experiencing it and for the people who love them.  I hope that you can regularly see a good therapist who understands BPD. make sure that you protect yourself and take care of yourself.

My husband and I have been talking to her a lot about becoming an adult who gets to make adult decisions and experience adult consequences. When she's in contact with us, I will listen to her but I don't give unsolicited advise and I mostly ask her about what has worked for her in the past and what her therapist suggests and then ask her what she might do now. I'm working hard not to take responsibility for her decisions or consequences. It's easier said than done. We have also set boundaries that we are in a no-abuse zone. We don't engage with her when she's being nasty. We will talk with her about anything but she can't yell or name call or react with violence. If she does, then she has to leave. Of course, this isn't an issue now since she has been no/very low contact for a year and a half. I miss who I wish that she were, but I don't miss who she is now. Our lives are significantly more peaceful now that she doesn't live with us and we have almost no contact with her.