Just saying hello

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Me and my wife have been seeing a psychotherapist for a little under 2 years (A mixture of couples and individual therapy). Some behaviors have improved. The disregulation is persistent though. I understand that's common. So, threats of suicide, infidelity, divorce continue but less frequent and somewhat less intense. Blaming, regular criticism, and menal twists that just dont allow for middle ground, consideration of other factors, etc. Anyway, Im conflicted and intend to get involved with a support group. So, here I am. I plan to check in regularly. Thanks.

[Tres_Libras1321]

Hi everyone,

Me and my wife have been seeing a psychotherapist for a little under 2 years (A mixture of couples and individual therapy). Some behaviors have improved. The disregulation is persistent though. I understand that's common. So, threats of suicide, infidelity, divorce continue but less frequent and somewhat less intense. Blaming, regular criticism, and menal twists that just dont allow for middle ground, consideration of other factors, etc. Anyway, Im conflicted and intend to get involved with a support group. So, here I am. I plan to check in regularly. Thanks.

[15years]

Hi, welcome to the forum. You have found a great support group!

[Tres_Libras1321]

Thank you

[kells76]

Hey Tres_Libras1321, welcome to the boards.

Like 15years says, this is a good group for receiving support from people who really get it -- that your relationship isn't just having "normal relationship challenges"; that there's likely something much more difficult in play.

Can I ask, how long have you two been together? Do you share any children, and if so, how old are they and how are they doing?

Glad you and your W have been able to see a psychotherapist. Is that where you learned about BPD, or did that come up another way? And does your W seem to trust the therapist?

It's OK to find yourself in a place where you're conflicted; where you've seen some things improve, but other things really not change. A group like this can give you a variety of perspectives and experiences to reflect on as you decide what you want in your relationship.

Would you say that your W's threats (suicide, divorce, cheating) are the top challenge to your relationship, or is something else?

Reach out whenever works for you. Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

-kells76

P.S. If your user name references the song I think it does, I dig that group too 

[Tres_Libras1321]

Hi Kells

Thanks for the warm welcome. Me and my W have been together for 8.5 years now. We do not have any shared children. She has a son from a previous marriage, so I have a step-son. We have a fair relationship and with the improvements in my W over the past 1+ yr. that relationship has strengthened. He is 17 and struggling a bit. Some is normal teenage angst, but there is some pain past that as well. Fortunately he is not on drugs or dropping out of school. His dad has been a very loving and stable part of his life, though recently that relationship has been strained as his dad (my wife's ex-husband) has a new strong love interest, which is something my stepson has basically never had to adjust to in the past.

I didn't discover BPD through the therapist. I discovered BPD 1-2 years prior through a personal counselor/therapist I was seeing individually. It was her suggestion to read a book title "Loving someone with [BPD]". I tried but I couldn't. It was overwhelming. The demands of life at the time were to great. So, foolishly I moddled along on the same path and things got exponentially worse. Eventually there was a breaking point and the current therapist is where we both landed. Official previous diagnosis of PTSD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder are present. There has been no official revison or additional diagnosis made. The therapist in his words, "prefers a non stigmatizing approach" and basically doesnt see the benefit of any expansion on the current diagnosis and I understand this. Sometimes, my mind tries convincing me that that's at the root of the problem, but I know that is in ways incorrect.

As far as, biggest challenges to our relationship, no I dont see the various threats as falling into that category. They are up there though. Currently her alcohol abuse and a lack of ability to really talk about anything in a deep and lasting way are hardest. Like the first post said, there have been improvements, but outside of a session with the therapist and even then, things are just going in one ear and out of the other. Understanding found today is virtually non existent a day or week later. Then there is a good deal of dishonesty and putting up a front for the therapist... She does "trust" him though. She at least trusts him to the point of allowing him to help enough that I have not left... but serious deep therapy in her case is also extremely painful, so there are protective parts of her that surely just dont want to be seen let alone changed. Im really dragging on here, but I sense that I still have a good amount of work to do myself on setting boundaries, not reacting but responding, essentially re-teaching what crosses a line with me, in a healthier way... it's tough.

Anyway, Im sure you know. Ill end this post here. You're spot on about the song reference. Certainly relatable in my experience.

Take care,

Tres_Libras1321

[kells76]

Thanks for the update about your backstory, it helps us understand more about how to best support you.

What does the time split look like for your stepson between Mom's house and Dad's house? Has SS or coparenting ever been a source of conflict between you and your W? (My H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits, and married someone with strong NPD type traits. The stuff that spills over has definitely strained the relationship between H and I. So, all that to say, just exploring if co/stepparenting is a source of challenges between you and your W)

Can I ask, as things got worse in the past, what was the "breaking point"? I understand that sometimes it can really be One Thing, or it can look like One Thing but actually it's stuff that has built up.

Does your W accept her diagnoses of PTSD, anxiety/panic, MDD?

Alcohol abuse plus PD traits is a lot to cope with as a spouse. I'm guessing you've already looked at alanon type groups?

I sense that I still have a good amount of work to do myself on setting boundaries, not reacting but responding, essentially re-teaching what crosses a line with me, in a healthier way... it's tough.

I think that's a wise way to look at things. There's a lot you don't have control over right now, and that's really hard. So, you can look at what you do have control over -- what you want to learn, what tools and skills you want to build and try -- and observe over time the difference it makes.

Have you checked out our "Tools" tab up top yet?

Keep us in the loop on how you guys are doing;

kells76

[Tres_Libras1321]

Hi Kells,

Thanks for listening and taking interest in our backstory.

The time split is roughly half. My SS lives with his dad. At this time, he spend every weekend with my W and I. Yes there have been challenges. Im not feeling comfortable diving into that right here right now.

The breaking point was absolutely a culmination of so many things. Years of absurd accusations, momentary glimpses of hope soon to be dashed, betrayals, abuse, and a major sadness/resentment building out of all this on my end that took me to the breaking point. That point occurred with a straw breaking this camels back, but that was nearly 3 years ago. At that time I did not verbalize that I was broken. I just knew inside that I was. There was no more to give but she was completely financially dependent (among other things) on me and I knew I could not just leave. So I did not at that time and there has been a long road travelled since then. Around 8 months after that breaking point there was a seperation and a therapist became involved. We have reconnected to a fair degree since then. The separation ended after about 6 months (16-17 months ago)

My wife does accept her diagnosis. For a long time they were mostly just an excuse, though. But in the here and now she takes them considerably more serious. At the same time, they can slightly lacking. One example might be her insistence on "pretending". She presents a false narrative of our life to pretty much everyone. Like it doesnt matter how bad things are, she is going to play the hollywood love story bit. Of course its normal to not air all your dirty laundry to the world, but its on a completely higher level (im going to assume you have experienced this and not ellaborate). Overall, she is getting help. The process... well its a process, but its occurring.

Anyway, I was at one time fully involved with AA. I stopped attending as my "caretaker" role got into full swing. I have went back on and off over the years (usually when I/we are basically in crisis and I must distance). I went to an al-anon meeting once. Ive been sober 10 years. So, yes Im familiar with the 12 step program model. It could do me a lot of good. There is (or was) 1-2 al anon meetings near me that I could attend.

No, I have not checked out the "tools" tab. I definitely will though.

I really appreciate your time and support. Ive blathered on for far too long now, Im sure. I hope things are going alright with you and the situation with your Hs ex and her H. Maybe, sometime you can share some more about you too? I plan to stick around here though, so there should be time.

Thanks,

Tres_Libras1321