Breakups to people with BPD are a foregone conclusion

[Depression = 72% of members]

Two months of NC. Saw my ex with the replacement 3 times this week.

I've had noticeable PTSD symptoms since Thursday, the first time I saw them. I took a look in the mirror today and my pupils were the size of pinpoints. I ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. I don't feel actively bad per say but I am numb and definitely going through the motions. I'm taking care of myself, I'm eating and sleeping well, just got home from the gym. So it's not like I'm 100% in a hole.

I realized yesterday that I need to grieve for the relationship like you grieve a dead person. I was going through old saved photos on my phone and I found a screenshot of her Instagram page from the first couple of months when we were together. In comparison to her negatively-charged energy of late she looks absolutely beaming and relatively comfortable with herself.

That comparison made me feel guilty at first but then I realized that that's the glow-up from hooking up to a new supply. It's low key an important factor in the relationship: the rescuer feels powerful when the rescuee suddenly starts glowing and maybe even tells you that colors are flowing back into their life.

Not that it much pertains to my actual process but my replacement who was my best friend inherited a situation far worse than me. She is glowing with an ill, pale light from the supply for sure for now but when I met her two years ago, she was at least relatively stable. After our non-relationship she has been out of a job for a year now, racking up credit card debt by splurging on impulse buys to feel better for a while.

Well, back on track. I feel an immense imbalance when it comes to her situation and mine in the sense that I'm doing all the right things while feeling like absolute PLEASE READ. I realized today that breakups to people with BPD are foregone conclusions. She has been at war with me for about a year and a half now and I feel like I was merely fending for myself. Enduring but not actively engaged in warfare. I do not know how messed up she is right now and again it is really not my business but it makes me feel a little better knowing that the imbalance has to do with the fact that she always knew on some level we were not going to make it, and the actual final breakup was merely a toll-gate for her. She had been slowly drifting towards that toll-gate on neutral for months and months before it happened. She stopped to pick up my friend at the booth and sped off like a flash.

[Tupla Sport]

Two months of NC. Saw my ex with the replacement 3 times this week.

I've had noticeable PTSD symptoms since Thursday, the first time I saw them. I took a look in the mirror today and my pupils were the size of pinpoints. I ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. I don't feel actively bad per say but I am numb and definitely going through the motions. I'm taking care of myself, I'm eating and sleeping well, just got home from the gym. So it's not like I'm 100% in a hole.

I realized yesterday that I need to grieve for the relationship like you grieve a dead person. I was going through old saved photos on my phone and I found a screenshot of her Instagram page from the first couple of months when we were together. In comparison to her negatively-charged energy of late she looks absolutely beaming and relatively comfortable with herself.

That comparison made me feel guilty at first but then I realized that that's the glow-up from hooking up to a new supply. It's low key an important factor in the relationship: the rescuer feels powerful when the rescuee suddenly starts glowing and maybe even tells you that colors are flowing back into their life.

Not that it much pertains to my actual process but my replacement who was my best friend inherited a situation far worse than me. She is glowing with an ill, pale light from the supply for sure for now but when I met her two years ago, she was at least relatively stable. After our non-relationship she has been out of a job for a year now, racking up credit card debt by splurging on impulse buys to feel better for a while.

Well, back on track. I feel an immense imbalance when it comes to her situation and mine in the sense that I'm doing all the right things while feeling like absolute PLEASE READ. I realized today that breakups to people with BPD are foregone conclusions. She has been at war with me for about a year and a half now and I feel like I was merely fending for myself. Enduring but not actively engaged in warfare. I do not know how messed up she is right now and again it is really not my business but it makes me feel a little better knowing that the imbalance has to do with the fact that she always knew on some level we were not going to make it, and the actual final breakup was merely a toll-gate for her. She had been slowly drifting towards that toll-gate on neutral for months and months before it happened. She stopped to pick up my friend at the booth and sped off like a flash.

[Trex01]

I feel the same way. It does sound like you are doing the right things and attempting to be healthier. I struggle with even getting to the point you are at. It doesn’t seem quite fair or balanced, but keep taking care of you and you will be better and healthier in the end.

[SinisterComplex]

Two months of NC. Saw my ex with the replacement 3 times this week.

I've had noticeable PTSD symptoms since Thursday, the first time I saw them. I took a look in the mirror today and my pupils were the size of pinpoints. I ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. I don't feel actively bad per say but I am numb and definitely going through the motions. I'm taking care of myself, I'm eating and sleeping well, just got home from the gym. So it's not like I'm 100% in a hole.

I realized yesterday that I need to grieve for the relationship like you grieve a dead person. I was going through old saved photos on my phone and I found a screenshot of her Instagram page from the first couple of months when we were together. In comparison to her negatively-charged energy of late she looks absolutely beaming and relatively comfortable with herself.

That comparison made me feel guilty at first but then I realized that that's the glow-up from hooking up to a new supply. It's low key an important factor in the relationship: the rescuer feels powerful when the rescuee suddenly starts glowing and maybe even tells you that colors are flowing back into their life.

Not that it much pertains to my actual process but my replacement who was my best friend inherited a situation far worse than me. She is glowing with an ill, pale light from the supply for sure for now but when I met her two years ago, she was at least relatively stable. After our non-relationship she has been out of a job for a year now, racking up credit card debt by splurging on impulse buys to feel better for a while.

Well, back on track. I feel an immense imbalance when it comes to her situation and mine in the sense that I'm doing all the right things while feeling like absolute PLEASE READ. I realized today that breakups to people with BPD are foregone conclusions. She has been at war with me for about a year and a half now and I feel like I was merely fending for myself. Enduring but not actively engaged in warfare. I do not know how messed up she is right now and again it is really not my business but it makes me feel a little better knowing that the imbalance has to do with the fact that she always knew on some level we were not going to make it, and the actual final breakup was merely a toll-gate for her. She had been slowly drifting towards that toll-gate on neutral for months and months before it happened. She stopped to pick up my friend at the booth and sped off like a flash.

In many instances yes they are foregone conclusions. Why? The relationship can only be successful if the person whom is disordered seeks treatment themselves and is in therapy consistently and does the work while the partner is strong and confident enough to have stiff boundaries. Co-Dependents stand no chance and will typically be the most devastated. Even the strong partners who are confident and have stiff and healthy boundaries does not preclude them from flaming out in the relationship as well. There is no magic cure all and there is no recipe for success. You can increase your odds sure, but there are no guarantees...just like there are no real guarantees in life in general.

The best option is to always do what is in your own best interest and not worry what is in someone else's best interest. It is your life and YOU matter so always DO YOU. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Cheers and best wishes!

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[SaltyDawg]

In many instances yes they are foregone conclusions. Why? The relationship can only be successful if the person whom is disordered seeks treatment themselves and is in therapy consistently and does the work while the partner is strong and confident enough to have stiff boundaries. Co-Dependents stand no chance and will typically be the most devastated. Even the strong partners who are confident and have stiff and healthy boundaries does not preclude them from flaming out in the relationship as well. There is no magic cure all and there is no recipe for success. You can increase your odds sure, but there are no guarantees...just like there are no real guarantees in life in general.

The best option is to always do what is in your own best interest and not worry what is in someone else's best interest. It is your life and YOU matter so always DO YOU. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

SC

Love your alias' name btw, I would love to know your thought processes on why you chose it?

My wife is actively seeking treatment for her "anger issues"; however, is in active denial of being BPD as her T's [all three told her she didn't have it; even though, one of them ghosted us when she presented on three different occasions as a classic borderline [physical violence, projection of physical violence, black/white splitting] while in session in addition to my descriptions of symptoms and traits to which my uBPDw admitted to.  It has taken me months to get to this point; however, I feel that I am finally strong and confident enough to set stiff boundaries, even though if I perceive them to be too harsh when implementing them -- I see the benefit of having them as a necessary evil in how it manipulates the situation to a more calm and stable environment for my children and me. 

I also feel that I am somewhat co-dependent, in the sense of the trauma bond induced by Stockholm Syndrome where I felt like a hostage to the 'Crazy' in my own home.  However, it is not a true co-dependency as I don't have these types of feelings for anyone else, and I am hoping that the 'Crazy' slowly reverts [I don't want see her 'love bombing' in my logical mind, even though my emotional mind does want it - I need to follow my wise mind which agrees with the logical mind] back to the loving wife that I once had.

I DO Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!  As long as therapy is having a net positive gain with things getting better, I feel that it is in the best interest, for my situation, to 'stay the course' and see where it leads.  We now have a 'high conflict' couple's T, and my new individual T has lots of experience with BPDs -- I will give it two months and re-examine the progress in January and reassess as it is in the best interest to stay together if at all possible, while leaving the 'Crazy' component behind.

[Tupla Sport]

In many instances yes they are foregone conclusions. Why? The relationship can only be successful if the person whom is disordered seeks treatment themselves and is in therapy consistently and does the work while the partner is strong and confident enough to have stiff boundaries. Co-Dependents stand no chance and will typically be the most devastated. Even the strong partners who are confident and have stiff and healthy boundaries does not preclude them from flaming out in the relationship as well. There is no magic cure all and there is no recipe for success. You can increase your odds sure, but there are no guarantees...just like there are no real guarantees in life in general.

Yeah. I was the type of codependent who asserted their boundaries on some levels. Didn't take me far. She started emotionally hooking up with my replacement eventually. From personal experience I can tell he is the fawning type. I'm more "fight" with trauma responses. Some times I wonder if the two fawners will make it but then I remember that trauma response is always a trauma response. Just because your unhealthy coping methods align doesn't mean the underlying problems get smoothed out automatically.

[SinisterComplex]

SC

Love your alias' name btw, I would love to know your thought processes on why you chose it?

My wife is actively seeking treatment for her "anger issues"; however, is in active denial of being BPD as her T's [all three told her she didn't have it; even though, one of them ghosted us when she presented on three different occasions as a classic borderline [physical violence, projection of physical violence, black/white splitting] while in session in addition to my descriptions of symptoms and traits to which my uBPDw admitted to.  It has taken me months to get to this point; however, I feel that I am finally strong and confident enough to set stiff boundaries, even though if I perceive them to be too harsh when implementing them -- I see the benefit of having them as a necessary evil in how it manipulates the situation to a more calm and stable environment for my children and me. 

I also feel that I am somewhat co-dependent, in the sense of the trauma bond induced by Stockholm Syndrome where I felt like a hostage to the 'Crazy' in my own home.  However, it is not a true co-dependency as I don't have these types of feelings for anyone else, and I am hoping that the 'Crazy' slowly reverts [I don't want see her 'love bombing' in my logical mind, even though my emotional mind does want it - I need to follow my wise mind which agrees with the logical mind] back to the loving wife that I once had.

I DO Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!  As long as therapy is having a net positive gain with things getting better, I feel that it is in the best interest, for my situation, to 'stay the course' and see where it leads.  We now have a 'high conflict' couple's T, and my new individual T has lots of experience with BPDs -- I will give it two months and re-examine the progress in January and reassess as it is in the best interest to stay together if at all possible, while leaving the 'Crazy' component behind.

So, SD it is pretty simple. I keep an open mind and there is hope, but for most (not all) getting out of the relationship will be the better course of action. If you are already married for example such as your situation that is a bit different. Your wife is actively seeking therapy...this is good. Also, keep in mind getting a diagnosis for BPD is not exactly easy. A lot of therapists are just people like you and I and can get in way over their heads. BPD is very complex and not all therapists will have the education, experience, etc to deal with it let alone diagnose it. I'm highly educated/trained in human behavior and have a Master's Degree, but this is where I tell people you cannot get caught up in that because it doesn't mean Jack S ! Why? When it comes to diagnosing people you have to seek specific therapists who are trained in the area of concern. So, seek out a Psychologist/Therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder. Perhaps you can get lucky and get a therapist who specializes in PTSD/cPTSD as well.


The disordered partner has to seek out help themselves mostly because it will never stick otherwise. If they are doing it for you then in their disordered mind it is you controlling them and then they will feel the weight of feeling like they are defective and imperfect and they cannot deal with that. Then thoughts in their head will turn to them vilifying you and thinking you are the enemy and that you think they are bad and no good. 

Being a strong independent partner only increases your odds because your happiness isn't dictated by your partner so if things don't work out it is not the end of the world. Outcome independence!

Also, when you are a strong independent kind of person your boundaries will be stiff...in essence you are ok walking away if your boundaries are violated. You will be respected and not tread upon. To that end...that is just a smart mind set in general.

You cannot fall into caretaker mode. You cannot fall prey to feeling like you are obligated. This is how you end up vulnerable and ripe for a hostile takeover...ie being forced into co-dependency.

You are married...for trying to make it work I am all for that and I commend you on that. Just keep in mind to be realistic about your expectations. You have to let go of any visions or fantasies of what could be and you have to accept the what is. In essence, until your wife is diagnosed officially and then has been through therapy and has done the work necessary you may have to sacrifice some hopes and dreams because her behavior will not be normal and is not normal.

Beyond that I think you catch my underlying theme that I am focusing on you and that 1 and only variable that can be controlled and that is in your control...YOU.

You cannot place as much on the focus of your wife...you have no control over her. You can only focus on yourself and how you are going to approach things moving forward and how you are going to respond.

If you have more questions please feel free to fire away.

And yes my username is by design...a lot of thought behind it actually ;-)

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

In many instances yes they are foregone conclusions. Why? The relationship can only be successful if the person whom is disordered seeks treatment themselves and is in therapy consistently and does the work while the partner is strong and confident enough to have stiff boundaries. Co-Dependents stand no chance and will typically be the most devastated. Even the strong partners who are confident and have stiff and healthy boundaries does not preclude them from flaming out in the relationship as well. There is no magic cure all and there is no recipe for success. You can increase your odds sure, but there are no guarantees...just like there are no real guarantees in life in general.

Yeah. I was the type of codependent who asserted their boundaries on some levels. Didn't take me far. She started emotionally hooking up with my replacement eventually. From personal experience I can tell he is the fawning type. I'm more "fight" with trauma responses. Some times I wonder if the two fawners will make it but then I remember that trauma response is always a trauma response. Just because your unhealthy coping methods align doesn't mean the underlying problems get smoothed out automatically.

I'd argue that your boundaries helped you more than you think and realize. You were spared of a lot more crap you do not have to deal with anymore.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SaltyDawg]

The disordered partner has to seek out help themselves mostly because it will never stick otherwise. If they are doing it for you then in their disordered mind it is you controlling them and then they will feel the weight of feeling like they are defective and imperfect and they cannot deal with that. Then thoughts in their head will turn to them vilifying you and thinking you are the enemy and that you think they are bad and no good.
Our T made a similar observation.  I will no longer mention terms of BPD, Borderline, etc. in front of my wife, even though I do believe she is being treated for it [see below].  I also feel that she [finally] is actively seeking out help for herself -- something 'clicked' for her about 2 -3 weeks ago, and she is working on herself instead of me [yes, I perceived her as controlling] -- I know that she knows something is wrong.  She is still in denial about any PD; however, if she is actively seeking out therapy to deal with the symptoms of them (BPD and OCPD), the more serious ones she is definitely aware of -- that is good news for our relationship.

Being a strong independent partner only increases your odds because your happiness isn't dictated by your partner so if things don't work out it is not the end of the world. Outcome independence!
I definitely need work in that area.  I am now my own victim of Stockholm Syndrome.  Now that I am self-aware [as of a few months ago], I am actively working on this [too slowly for the moment, as my first priority was setting up boundaries for the borderline - mostly done; however, still tweaking the boundaries]; now I will be shifting my focus more inward to deal with my own issues.

Also, when you are a strong independent kind of person your boundaries will be stiff...in essence you are ok walking away if your boundaries are violated. You will be respected and not tread upon. To that end...that is just a smart mind set in general.
I'd like to think I am 'a strong independent kind of person' with 'stiff boundaries'.  Prior to this, I had few boundaries that were stiff, now I have erected several more in the past few weeks.  'Walking away' - that's an issue for me, I cannot walk away [I have my own abandonment issues, much like a borderline, I have 2 of the 9 symptoms, not enough for BPD].  However, I have shifted and won't be walked upon either -- I will be pushing back to the point of being called a 'bully' by our new couple's T by making a stand on these new boundaries, the very thing I despised of my wife towards me - I have become to her a limited extent.

You cannot fall into caretaker mode. You cannot fall prey to feeling like you are obligated. This is how you end up vulnerable and ripe for a hostile takeover...ie being forced into co-dependency.
I now recognize that I have been a 'caretaker' as of June.  I am still a caretaker [it is part of my personality] that I don't like; however, it too is shifting and I setting up firm boundaries, has been very rewarding, and our relationship is finally moving in a direction that both my wife and I find acceptable.  Both of our children have verbally articulated the noticeable improvement as well  .  My daughter no longer views me as a 'dishrag dad', and my younger son is much more affectionate to both of us.  I am using tools from the Stop Caretaking book, do you have any additional ones to add?

You are married...for trying to make it work I am all for that and I commend you on that. Just keep in mind to be realistic about your expectations. You have to let go of any visions or fantasies of what could be and you have to accept the what is. In essence, until your wife is diagnosed officially and then has been through therapy and has done the work necessary you may have to sacrifice some hopes and dreams because her behavior will not be normal and is not normal.
I am going to pushback hard on this one...  I refuse to let go of any visions or fantasies of what could be!  I do believe in my wife, as she has an excellent moral compass, and I know she will do, and started to do the 'right thing' once she becomes self-aware.  I did have a vision / fantasy that she would become fully 'self-aware' -- this didn't happen.  However, she has become partially 'self-aware', and I will temper my revised expectations based on that partiality.  I believe her expectations are very similar to mine for the relationship and her expectations has shifted to something that is very reasonable and I can actually meet [versus previously being unreasonable/impossible to meet].  Even though there is no official diagnoses, I believe the therapists are aware of the unofficial 'diagnoses,' of BPD and will continue to guide the situation in a manner consistent with this.  I continue to have hope for the first time that hope is getting stronger.  I will keep my expectations low, but maintain minimum boundaries, so they can be exceeded, and that will make me happy. 

Beyond that I think you catch my underlying theme that I am focusing on you and that 1 and only variable that can be controlled and that is in your control...YOU.
I agree 'self-care' is my first priority since June of this year [better to learn this late, than never] and I a reaping the rewards of it.

You cannot place as much on the focus of your wife...you have no control over her. You can only focus on yourself and how you are going to approach things moving forward and how you are going to respond.
I agree, in June I shifted my focus fixing the issues to making her 'self-aware' when I first learned of BPD as I realized that she won't fix it unless she wants to.  While she is still in denial of being fully aware, she has become 'self-aware' of the more critical [impactful] symptoms/traits/issues, and she is actively addressing those with the following three critical milestones for the first time ever in the past two weeks -- it is like something 'clicked' in her mind, prior to three weeks ago she was incapable of doing any of the following with me, but she can now:

• recognizing, intercepting, and mitigating when she is about to split and/or rage, this is incredible, as she has to process this in a fraction of a second, she can do this with others that previously triggered her as well
• she now recognizes the triggers that I do to her, and can pro-actively correct me by pointing them out to me [instead of irrationally raging], so I can change my behavior so she is no longer triggered.   I don't want to hurt my wife, so I am changing for her, especially if it was something I was doing unconsciously and never meant to do - something easy for me to do in order to make her happier [less agitated].
• gaining the ability to mentalize negative emotions without having black/white thinking and then constructively critiquing these negative emotions in shades of gray by having a rational conversation on this afterwards

Now, I will once again shift my primary focus from minimal self-care and making my wife 'self-aware' to myself exclusively and do a deep dive on my own insecurities, and rebuild the damage that has been done with the very toxic relationship I am emerging from to hopefully find and/or make a healthier one instead.  I will maintain my secondary focus on my children, and their welfare and do what is best for them in a bad situation until they are no longer in danger ['out of the house'] -- only 7 more years to go on that one.  My tertiary [formerly primary] priority will be on my relationship with my wife, now that we are heading in the correct direction, and is self-motivated to do so -- I will continue to be supportive of her by letting her know "as long as things are improving, I won't leave you, and I will always love you".  I understand, that there will be setbacks, and there already has been -- as long as we are continuing to be moving in a good direction.  All three of these priorities are complimentary to each other, and will continue to make minor course adjustments now that my proverbial ship has made a major course adjustment, in the nick of time, to avoid what would have been certain doom.

If you have more questions please feel free to fire away.
Well, since you asked...

• I would very much like your opinion on my pushback above, as it is pretty much uncharted waters [pun intended] that I am in right now?
• I also would like learning additional strategies of letting the T's know of lesser known issues, and unknown issues as they become apparent, without inflaming my wife too much.
• In addition to exercise, doing a deep dive on myself, considering possibly redefining my purpose in life, do you have any other suggestion on self-focus?
  

I know this won't happen immediately; however, since the 'self-awareness' goal for my wife has for the most part been partially completed to my satisfaction [set in  August] and the result has already exceeded my expectations.  I will definitely wait a month or two, likely in January, after the holidays, if there are no major setbacks - let me know if you think this is too soon, too long, or just right.  I am going to start thinking about future goals for the relationship, for my benefit, for our children's benefit, and my wife's benefit.  I don't plan on setting any of those relationship type goals without getting input from my wife and the T.  However, I do want to be prepared for them in an emotionally healthy manner, if and when they are brought up which should be the natural progression of things on this new course.  Since I have not had a 'healthy' relationship from the get-go [or previous exNPD/BPDgf that I had no problems dumping for boundary violations], I do need assistance in setting some realistic goals, wants, needs as a couple as tertiary priority [self-care and children]. 

What I think what I am asking is using the following article as a guide as a guide on rebuilding a healthy marriage https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/15-key-secrets-to-a-successful-marriage/ where do we start having a new open dialog on this, what parts should we do with a couple's T, which should we do on our own?  There are 31 topics [not 15 as the url would hint at; as there are 21 secrets, 5 important things, & 5 successful things] to talk about with links to even more sub topics to do a deep dive.  Where to start?  Which ones to put a priority on, and which ones not-so-much in light of a BPD+OCPD [not OCD] type personality?  Also, should this fail, I also want to learn what a healthy marriage looks like, so, if an when I need to pick up the pieces of this one, I will be better prepared, if that were to occur.

My motto for this is:  "Hope and Pray for the Best, but prepare for the Worst" which is based on my previous motto of the 7 P's [not the 7 seas] of:

• Proper
• Prior
• Planning
• Prevents
• Piss
• Poor
• Performance

And yes my username is by design...a lot of thought behind it actually ;-)
I recognize that, that is why I am still asking for your thought processes behind it as it has piqued my personal curiosity?

Once again, thank you for your time, it is really appreciated.

Tupla Sport,   I must apologize for hijacking your thread -- but I am not sorry for the hijacking because with extreme effort, breakups to people with BPD are NOT a foregone conclusion.  I hope my actions can inspire, you, and others who may think that is is a foregone conclusion.  I agree that the odds are not good in doing so -- your wife [partner] needs to have an excellent moral compass in order to try this.  But if you believe that a relationship is worth fighting for.  Then fight for it, give it every chance you can.  My moral compass compelled me to inform my pwBPD that I think she has BPD and I did a highly unrecommended 'intervention' in the beginning of September which usually fails and is strongly discouraged by all sources that I have read, she rejected my 'diagnosis', but she did research BPD, and is now taking active steps at eliminating the symptoms of BPD -- while still too early tell, I can finally say with a relatively high degree of certainty (> 50%), that this relationship may actually not breakup and is no longer a foregone conclusion, provided that my wife continues to working on her self growth, and I do the same.

[Tupla Sport]

Tupla Sport,   I must apologize for hijacking your thread -- but I am not sorry for the hijacking because with extreme effort, breakups to people with BPD are NOT a foregone conclusion.

Yeah, I realize in hindsight I was talking about people with untreated BPD. Even then it is obviously a hyperbole.

Sharing a life with a person with untreated BPD has made me rethink relationships on a broad level. It hit me, for example, that a great many romantic relationships end regardless of any dramatic factor like a personality disorder. Mentally stable, outwardly compatible and even relatively happy-together people break up all the time. Realizing that makes it easier for me to process the end of the relationship and to bear the pain of knowing that my ex snatched my best friend from me. It is more likely than not they will break up eventually. Maybe after more or less time than it took me and her to do that but ultimately, them being a permanent item is really not on the cards, no matter how optimistic you get. People break up all the time and also spend years locked in misery.

I know I won't care about their relationship in the future but for now, it is something I process. I even asked my T if it was the responsible thing to do, to cling to the idea that they would break up sooner or later, knowing it really does not matter for my path anyway. He said that it might help me keep off from her social media which helps me build the distance and that it is ultimately more of a positive factor. So I do that, knowing it won't be a factor in future.

[BPDEnjoyer]

This is the replacement who used to be your friend?  What's funny is he had been discarded by one BPD and it sounded like he will be discarded by this one as well.  The guy just doesn't learn?

[Tupla Sport]

This is the replacement who used to be your friend?  What's funny is he had been discarded by one BPD and it sounded like he will be discarded by this one as well.  The guy just doesn't learn?

Yeah, same guy. He even shared his knowledge of Cluster B personalities with me.

It was all super weird to me until I found myself slipping into developing feelings for my other BPD ex. One that I dated twice and who cheated on me the first time around.

[SaltyDawg]

TS,  That's pretty harsh.

I can completely understand, I am on my second pwBPD, who is currently my wife.

To stay 'on topic' here, I will discuss my previous GF who I dated in the late 1990's.  I knew she was somewhat of a narcissist, but looking back retrospectively once I heard about and figured out the borderline, she was both NPD and BPD with other issues too.  When a borderline-narcissist wants you, the love bombing they do is very intoxicating, and I can admit, it is very 'addicting'.  However, once the 'love bombing' ends -- it is time to leave, otherwise, they will continue to use you.

With the passing of time, negative memories diminish, and positive ones increase in intensity -- don't fall into this trap of fantasizing of your 'other BPD ex'.  Refresh your memory on why you left her in the first place, or did she dump you [for the other man, like mine did]?  [Discard]  My exBPDgf dumped me, and then tried to h-o-o-v-e-r me back in which I used as an opportunity to collect my personal belonging that she had kept, and I promptly dumped her after telling her I knew about the 2nd guy she was cheating on me with.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.  Don't do it unless you possibly want STD's or a jealous dude after you and you are only in it to get your wet.

P.S.  After tomorrow's couple's therapy session with my current pwBPD, I will create a new thread to follow-up on my previous 'hijacking' post, I'll edit my previous message and post a link to the new thread as it is more appropriately posted under the "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" instead of "Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship" once I post it on Wednesday.

[Tupla Sport]

TS,  That's pretty harsh.

I can completely understand, I am on my second pwBPD, who is currently my wife.

To stay 'on topic' here, I will discuss my previous GF who I dated in the late 1990's.  I knew she was somewhat of a narcissist, but looking back retrospectively once I heard about and figured out the borderline, she was both NPD and BPD with other issues too.  When a borderline-narcissist wants you, the love bombing they do is very intoxicating, and I can admit, it is very 'addicting'.  However, once the 'love bombing' ends -- it is time to leave, otherwise, they will continue to use you.

With the passing of time, negative memories diminish, and positive ones increase in intensity -- don't fall into this trap of fantasizing of your 'other BPD ex'.  Refresh your memory on why you left her in the first place, or did she dump you [for the other man, like mine did]?  [Discard]  My exBPDgf dumped me, and then tried to h-o-o-v-e-r me back in which I used as an opportunity to collect my personal belonging that she had kept, and I promptly dumped her after telling her I knew about the 2nd guy she was cheating on me with.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.  Don't do it unless you possibly want STD's or a jealous dude after you and you are only in it to get your wet.

P.S.  After tomorrow's couple's therapy session with my current pwBPD, I will create a new thread to follow-up on my previous 'hijacking' post, I'll edit my previous message and post a link to the new thread as it is more appropriately posted under the "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" instead of "Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship" once I post it on Wednesday.

What exactly is harsh? If you mean the topic title, I already disclosed I was talking about untreated BPD and even then it is a bit of a hyperbole, though less aggressive.

[SaltyDawg]

I was referring to your presumably EX 'best friend' being harsh -- as he stabbed you in the back, and even seemingly bragging [shared his knowledge] of Cluster B personalities with you.  That is messed up.

Two months of NC. Saw my ex with the replacement 3 times this week.
[...]
Not that it much pertains to my actual process but my replacement who was my best friend inherited a situation far worse than me. She is glowing with an ill, pale light from the supply for sure for now but when I met her two years ago, she was at least relatively stable. After our non-relationship she has been out of a job for a year now, racking up credit card debt by splurging on impulse buys to feel better for a while.

Yeah, same guy. He even shared his knowledge of Cluster B personalities with me.

[alterK]

TS, you have had a lot of good advice here, and I'll just add a simple note. A breakup of a serious relationship is a very traumatic thing. It seems to me you are continually looking at yourself and saying, "I should do better!" I'm not a mindfulness expert, but perhaps that would be helpful.

Look at yourself, pay attention to your feelings, accept them for what they are, and allow them to run their course. Especially tough is seeing your ex with your friend. Miserable! Nothing surprising about your spending time in a dark tunnel. In addition to trying to deny how bad you feel, maybe you fear that if you give in to the feeling you will never get out of the tunnel. But you will!

The fact that you are reaching out shows that you have an instinct for self-preservation. So allow yourself to take the journey, pay attention to your feelings, accept them, and it will take time, and you will eventually find yourself traveling out into the light.