Crisis Mode

[MilfordGranger]

I’m not sure what exactly to ask. Some of you may remember I was posting a while back when my W was in crisis mode. I feel like we’re there again. I’ll try and give a brief summary. I don’t know that I have a specific question per we, just looking for thoughts/advice. My W has uBPD and my exW has like uNPD. My W has a daughter that recently graduated from high school last year. At that time we decided to move closer to my son (I had been living about 1500 miles away). We tried to get along with my ex, but it has not gone well and she has been very stubborn (as she has since we got divorced 5 years ago) about custody/visitation. My current W just gets so wrapped up in this. She fixates on it and blames me because my ex “controls our life.”  My current W and I have a 2.5 year old. She frequently threatens to leave/move back to where we’re from. She’ll fixate on how “all her friends” are back home. Despite the fact that part of why we moved was she felt like we had no close ties. She was the one that actually wanted to move, I was very skeptical about it. We’re in a horrible situation financially (very expensive house, lot of debt partly due to the move and attorney fees). The latest crisis (after she had been doing really well) was triggered when my W thought we might come to an agreement about custody stuff, etc and my ex came back with a PLEASE READ proposal. My W has basically locked herself in a room, she wanted to leave because “that’s what she needed and was best for her.”  I simply asked her where she was going to go and now I’m “holding her prisoner and “controlling her.”  She’s also upset because I told her to chill basically last night because I felt like she was pushing my son too much about this. She also will frequently spiral to where she goes off on how my son is the “only one that matters” or “comes before everybody else.”   Nevermind that I lived 1500 miles away for three years for her and her daughter. I should also mention she would frequently talk about how she was a “prisoner” before we moved (not wanting to leave our room) when her daughter was living with us because their relationship is/was so high conflict. I know there’s no right answer but just need some support/thoughts. I feel like the few friends I have left certainly don’t want to hear about the md was anymore, so I just feel like I have very little support. Thanks for reading/listening if you made it this far!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So you’re in the midst of dealing with two women with personality disorders and trying to work out an equitable custody agreement.

At some point the custody issue will be solved, so what is the next problem you will be dealing with?

Like many people with BPD, your wife was not happy in the previous situation and is not happy with the current one either. How are you dealing with her recurring dissatisfaction? And are you feeling like it’s your responsibility to solve it?

[MilfordGranger]

Well I think there’s multiple layers unfortunately. I think we’re going to get it solved and it will be close to what “we wanted.”  The problem is she gets so invested into it and basically obsesses over it until she reaches the tipping point. Then she has her meltdown. I’d prefer to just not have her involved, but then I get blamed for hiding things from her or just “letting my ex do whatever she wants.” 

The latest twist is she decided to leave today and go to our seasonal camp site (1500 miles away). So I’m scrambling to find a sitter for our daughter when I have to work. I’m not sure exactly what will happen.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I can relate to the dissatisfaction with the current situation, the previous situation, the one before that, etc.  There's no situation that is 'comfortable' for pwBPD.  My uBPDgf and I have been doing this for 10 years.  We broke up for 4 years and she did the same thing with another bf.  She's never lived anywhere more than a year (maybe a little longer).  Many of the same keywords are there ... "I'm a princess being held prisoner in my tower" (I do not hold her prisoner, and in fact encourage her to get out of the house) ... "You just want to control me" (I am extremely loose with boundaries - very little control).  She is very reluctant to make any decisions or commitment statements about housing/moving/living preferences.  It's always "I can't stand this place - you need to find a better place for us to live".  This has been in large houses, small houses, apartments, far and near.  The million dollar house was too big, too 'sterile' (not home-y enough).  The rural house was too far from 'city life'.  The ritzy penthouse is too fish-bowl-like, too much activity, etc.  We moved into a new place two months ago and she's already telling her friends we're looking for a new house "probably next year".  She alternatively wants to move to San Diego, New Zealand, Canada, etc.  I've lost a lot of time and money chasing these dreams of a perfect situation, when I'm finally realizing I need to set boundaries and choose my own living situation - I'm certainly not getting any consistent input from her.

[MilfordGranger]

Yeah I think that’s some of it, but she actually says she loves this house and blames it mostly on my ex, but I get exactly what you mean. My biggest struggle is the challenge of the 1500 miles and that’s just not workable if that’s the route she tried to choose, with our child.

[ForeverDad]

Please update us on how things are going now.  From what I gather, you have a uNPD ex with a child now of school age and a uBPD spouse with a preschooler, right?  Both are yours?

With many of us our marriages continued to implode due to the disordered and acting-out nature of the PDs.  Mine did, despite all my efforts it failed, like a slow moving train wreck and then suddenly.

It would be nice to hear you, your ex and your spouse are getting therapy (separately of course) so as to improve everything.  However, the reality is that we often don't get what we want, desire or hope for.  That's life.  You work with the cards in your hands and maybe one or two up your sleeve, so to speak.

If need be and if things have deteriorated, you're welcome to post over on the Separating and Divorcing board.  In such situations you need practical and legal advice appropriate for your location and appropriate for your situation.  Though we here are only peer support and can't give legal advice, we've accumulated much collective wisdom over the years and willingly share it.  You don't have to walk alone.

For example, if it does look like you need legal help and want to avoid common separation pitfalls and mistakes, we highly recommend this inexpensive but crucial guide by William Eddy, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

One thought is concerning your parenting time with the children.  Courts are often accommodating and synchronize parenting time so your kids aren't kept apart.  Courts can also limit how much distance the mothers can put between you and your kids.  Pursue that possibility.  Well, could be more difficult if the mothers are far apart from you and each other.