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Author Topic: How to go no contact when it's just me and my daughter?  (Read 264 times)
kartusch

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Daughter
Posts: 3


« on: November 27, 2022, 07:54:35 AM »

I am the youngest of 4, raised by a mom with BPD. My oldest sister went no contact with everyone a decade ago, before we understood why.

My brother was immune to the fray (gender related?)

My other sister is now exhibiting BPD behaviors that I mistakenly blamed on her alcoholism for years.

This all came to a head on Thanksgiving when she exploded on my 9 year old daughter, causing her to cry so hard she hyperventilated. After much convincing, I was able to convince her that we do not stay when people are verbally abusive. We drove home, with empty bellies and spent the holiday alone (I am a single mom with no support form bio Dad). My Dad explained that my sister played the victim role, saying that my daughter "attacked her child" (my daughter spoke to her daughter in the sweetest voice about appropriate ways to hold a kitten...which apparently means she attacked her). The rest of the family believes my sister (except for my Dad).

The culture of my family has always been: pretend that nothing happened, never talk about it, and if you do, you will be gaslit until you question reality constantly.

I've spent the last several days trying to convince myself that what I did was right. And trying to figure out how I will make holidays feel full without my family. I already struggle with pressuring myself to make my little family of me and my daughter feel full as a family. And now to withdrawal from everyone (minus my Dad), seems like a special kind of torture for my daughter.

How do I help her understand why I have to do this? Without over-explaining the gory details? I will not tell her everything that has occurred, she is too young. But if I don't explain why we aren't going to see family on Christmas and every holiday moving forward, she will think I am a terrible person for it.

Please tell me this is worth it. And that my daughter will be ok. And that she will understand.
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Couscous
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2022, 09:51:01 PM »

Hi Kartusch,

I so empathize with you about what you are going through right now.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) I would really like to encourage you to get some in-person support durinf this challenging time. I highly recommend that you check out some Al-Anon meetings in your area as these can serve as a sort of instant surrogate family, if you will, and you might find it comforting to be in the company of people dealing with very similar issues.

Making the decision to go no contact is something that you can take your time on, and it isn’t a decision that needs to be permanent. Has your sister ever done something like this before? If not, and because your daughter is older, it may not be necessary to go NC and perhaps you could find other ways of ensuring your daughter’s emotional safety during family visits. Maybe you could make a plan with your daughter in advance on how you will handle things should tempers start flaring, for example, taking a timeout by going outside for a walk to give everyone a chance to calm down. You could also make sure that your daughter is not left alone around problematic family members, and you could plan on only spending a limited amount of time, by arriving just before dinner, and leaving as soon as the presents have been opened. Or perhaps you could keep it really short, and visit just for dessert and presents, while you and your daughter go out to a nice restaurant for Christmas dinner. Yet another radical option that could be worth a shot is to host a Christmas meal yourself, on either Christmas Eve/Day, that you would invite just your brother and parents to — although they may not be willing to exclude your sister. Those are just a few ideas that may or may not work for you.

I came across an interesting website that has several books for children of parents with personality disorders, so perhaps these might be helpful for your D: www.pdan.org/shop/books/
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kartusch

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Daughter
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2022, 06:41:16 AM »

Thank you so much for your thoughts and support.

To your second paragraph, this has been occurring for 4 years with my sister, and longer with my mom. We have set up code words, and I have provided processing and therapy to her many times throughout multiple explosive and traumatic experiences. I guess you could say that this was the last straw. Every time we spend time with them I find myself talking with her for hours so she can understand what is happening. And yes, I am mindful of timing of arrival and departure. And am constantly hyper-vigilant to be attuned to them when they are about to flip their switch. I never let her alone with them either. I've used all of these tools for four years and it's just too much. Beyond the fact that it is secondary trauma for me, I can't allow them to do this to her. I just can't.

The other corollary here is that my brother (while not exhibiting any BPD behaviors), is complicit and somewhat dumbfounded. He believes and supports them. I find it difficult to embrace him (metaphorically and literally), when he quietly supports them and thinks my daughter and I are the problem. He is largely removed from our life and the only time I hear from him is when he wants to talk about himself. For example, he was completely missing when I had cancer two years ago.

I will look into that website. THANK YOU! My daughter is a big reader and books find their way into her soul.
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