How do I tell co-worker that she needs professional help?

[VMAN]

So there’s a co-worker who probably has high functioning bpd. She’s emotionally messed up and I avoid her like the plague. I have no relation with her at all though she is in ’love’ with me for many years. Everybody else thinks she’s normal. I don’t want to get involved in her personal problems, but I do want her to get some professional help. It’s quite likely she’ll explode or go into denial if I suggest it. She has a vindictive behaviour and paranoid.. I could talk to her husband but I don’t know him and don’t want to get involved.

So is there anyway about this?

[HappyChappy]

co-worker who probably has high functioning bpd...I have no relation with her at all though she is in ’love’ with me for many years...I don’t want to get involved in her personal problems, but I do want her to get some professional help... She has a vindictive behaviour and paranoid.

So is there anyway about this?

Hi VMAN, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you're reaching out as this sounds very stressful, I can empathise. I've paraphrased your original post, because my guess (and it is only a guess) is the words left above tell me you've got good instincts telling you what to do.

Having managed people, I can only speak about my experience in my organisation (and country), but these days we get trained in mental healthy awareness, safeguarding, equality and diversity. So read your companies safeguarding policy, but in my company we can only act on hard evidence and facts. What you've mentioned so far, is valid as it's how you feel, but it wouldn't be considered evidence beyond "hearsay". So if your spider sensors suggest she will act in that way - go with that. Stay safe, her HR department is there to help her.

Love your username VMAN. What does that mean ? My first guess was X-MAN , my second guess van man. But I can only guess. We all communicate in a different way and I'm not good with text - Turk on the other hand is. So I notice he's answered your other thread, it's good to canvase more than one view on important decisions like this, but I've known Turk a long time and (for me) he gives great advice.  Hope that helps, stay connected and most importantly, stay safe.

[VMAN]

Thanks, it’s from a mens fashion magazine.
Well I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say.

People do get pissed (I do) if reported to HR. Yes hard evidence is required to make a difference but she’s quick, ambigous, discreete and sharp. I don’t even want to waste time on this, very unecessasry in the hybrid workplace where I don’t see her that often.

But I’d like to feel that I’ve done all that I could to give her a chance to take responsibility for her own life instead of using me (a stranger) as a projection for her personal problems. If nobody has an answer then it’s ok, she can waste her life away while I move on.

[SaltyDawg]

You are not her husband, let her husband deal with that hot mess.  You don't want to get in the middle of that as that can only end poorly.

Since, you don't deal with her that often, and when you do, keep it to BIFF, brief, informational, factual, and friendly.  Be professional and cold, not warm and chatty.

Unless she is showing you stalking behaviors [illegal], or is verifiably going against company policies on the matter - it is likely not in your best interest to create a conflict here as will usually not end well for whomever instigates it - it will only create bitterness and discontent.

[Curiousgeorge]

Why so stressed? Seems to me that your colleague is a serial monogamist who can’t be bothered about dating and wants to get down to business. No need to have sex, but she can court you as long as you like and you can play hard to get and play the pull/push method. That will make your life less stressful.

[VMAN]

Why so stressed? Seems to me that your colleague is a serial monogamist who can’t be bothered about dating and wants to get down to business. No need to have sex, but she can court you as long as you like and you can play hard to get and play the pull/push method. That will make your life less stressful.

I dunno. What’s the point? Would it really make my life less stressful?

[kells76]

Hello VMAN, it's an interesting question you raise about wanting a coworker to get professional help. It would be a good thing for the world if people who needed support and intervention could receive it -- I'm with you there.

As BPD has a core shame component (difficult to handle suggestion of "there's something wrong with you"), often with anosognosia (briefly, where a key "symptom" of a disorder is lack of awareness of a problem), even the closest and most trusting relationships (spouse, parent, etc) have a huge hurdle to helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment. The more distance in the relationship, the lower the trust, and therefore the hurdle is even higher. If I imagine an acquaintance or coworker walking up and telling me "You need help... you're not OK", I wouldn't trust that person's assessment. There's a pretty insightful article on our site about Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy that goes more in-depth, if you want to check it out.

What would it be like for you if it were the case that you weren't the right person to facilitate her getting help?