Hard Time with Cold Communications

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does anyone else have a hard time when your ex communicates with you as if you are a business associate? It's been a few months and I thought I was starting to deal better with this. I was even able to look back at old pictures of us for the first time with some fondness and the knowledge that it was over.

Then the other day I got a reply from her to a text I sent about picking up some stuff. The text I sent was personable and signed with love. I received a response a few days later, which in and of itself tells me something (she would never have waited to respond when we were together). The response was so cold and impersonal. For some reason, that has set me back on my heels and I feel like I'm back where I was two months ago.

Maybe this is because when we broke up she said she wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with me in the future. I spoke to my friend about it who knows about the situation and is knowledgeable about BPD/CPTSD/Disorganized Attachment issues. He agreed that the text was really cold and mean. But he also said that I shouldn't put much meaning into it. That she may be having all sorts of feelings that she is just unable to deal with and maybe that will change. He also said this is a good opportunity for me to see that she just is unable to deal with things in a normal, healthy, nice way.

Seriously, I have never in my life been treated like this by a woman after she broke up with me. I've had some rough breakups but we have always been kind to each other. Somehow the coldness and lack of emotion hurt me more than if she had insulted me. And on top of it all, after all that has happened, even after this kind of treatment, this has made me realize I'm still not as over her as I thought I was. I still love her and it still hurts not having her in my life. I feel kind of pathetic saying that but it is what it is right now. I'm not trying to get her back in any way. But I have to deal with the facts as they are.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences with this kind of thing.

[BigEasyHeart]

Does anyone else have a hard time when your ex communicates with you as if you are a business associate? It's been a few months and I thought I was starting to deal better with this. I was even able to look back at old pictures of us for the first time with some fondness and the knowledge that it was over.

Then the other day I got a reply from her to a text I sent about picking up some stuff. The text I sent was personable and signed with love. I received a response a few days later, which in and of itself tells me something (she would never have waited to respond when we were together). The response was so cold and impersonal. For some reason, that has set me back on my heels and I feel like I'm back where I was two months ago.

Maybe this is because when we broke up she said she wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with me in the future. I spoke to my friend about it who knows about the situation and is knowledgeable about BPD/CPTSD/Disorganized Attachment issues. He agreed that the text was really cold and mean. But he also said that I shouldn't put much meaning into it. That she may be having all sorts of feelings that she is just unable to deal with and maybe that will change. He also said this is a good opportunity for me to see that she just is unable to deal with things in a normal, healthy, nice way.

Seriously, I have never in my life been treated like this by a woman after she broke up with me. I've had some rough breakups but we have always been kind to each other. Somehow the coldness and lack of emotion hurt me more than if she had insulted me. And on top of it all, after all that has happened, even after this kind of treatment, this has made me realize I'm still not as over her as I thought I was. I still love her and it still hurts not having her in my life. I feel kind of pathetic saying that but it is what it is right now. I'm not trying to get her back in any way. But I have to deal with the facts as they are.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Maybe I just needed to vent. I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences with this kind of thing.

[Tupla Sport]

He also said this is a good opportunity for me to see that she just is unable to deal with things in a normal, healthy, nice way.

You can't really put it more succinctly. This is it.

I got the warm side of impersonal communication from my ex during and after the breakup. All the nervous tension, good or bad, that I sensed during our run, it was gone and for the first time ever she seemed to be on the level and serene. Now you might think it's all well and good but trust me, it can be as confusing as the cold version. In a way more so because the other person is suddenly beaming with elation and not bothering to meet you anywhere near halfway, so to speak.

It's confusing I guess because you can sense the vacancy in their heart in those moments. They're not really present. Warm or cold you get the idea that they just don't... bother with you anymore. They're not afraid of you anymore, they don't think they need to manipulate you anymore so you kind of stop existing to them. At least registering to their emotional radar.

[SaltyDawg]

Perhaps, I might be reading too much into what you wrote ; however, this is my impression.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.  It sounds like you still want to have an emotional attachment with your ex, especially when you signed the text with 'love'.  You also have admitted to not being over her as you thought, and you need to deal with those emotions.  Talk to you individual therapist on these feelings.  If you don't have one and can afford one, get one.  If you can't afford one, then vent here, but don't vent with your ex as that will likely drive her away further.

It also sounds like she wants to detach, as it took her a 'few days' to respond to the text you sent her, and when she did it was 'cold'.  Taking days to respond is a deliberate action, and not impulsive, and she has 'slept on it'.

My recommendation is to keep it BIFF.  Do not put any emotional overtones in it.

[BigEasyHeart]

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses.

SaltyDawg, I don't think you are over-interpreting that I'm not over her and have a desire for some kind of connection but I am not responding asking for that. I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself and am trying to focus on that. But I am where I am. I do talk to a therapist about these issues.

I guess I could be a little more clear about what I meant by "I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences with this kind of thing." I'm not really looking for advice on how to respond to my ex. or even how to interpret what she is feeling or thinking (which is something I know I have no control over).

What I was really asking about is how other people who have been through this have felt emotionally when this kind of thing happens (and maybe also how people deal with these emotions that come up).

For me right now the most helpful thing about this community is hearing how others have been affected emotionally by this kind of behavior. It makes me feel less alone and less crazy. I guess that is what I need right now.

Thanks again!