Struggling with lingering resentment

[thepixies21]

So my uBPDh has by all accounts been doing better. We've had some smaller arguments, but nothing compared to before his hospitalization. He is doing therapy twice weekly and doing his DBT workbook. He backslid a little this week, but he caught it and has been trying to do better. But I have just been feeling angry and frustrated and I've been trying to figure out why. I've gone to a few coda meetings, I'm trying to take time for myself. I've worked a lot the last couple of weeks so I haven't had as much time to plan fun things with friends so maybe that's part of it. But while I was exercising last night, I started to realize I’m still struggling to feel like I want to be in this relationship. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be in love with my husband, and just be happy that he is doing better. But I don’t feel it. I’m worried that it’s too late. I just don’t know if I want this anymore. I don’t know if I can be happy here with him. I’m going to give it more time, but right now, I feel like if I stay in this relationship and I keep feeling this way forever, I am going to have a miserable life. I want to feel happy to be with my partner, but I just don't. It’s hard to get past all the hurtful things, and it’s hard to get past the frustration of watching him let life pass him by. I have a lot of resentment, more than I even realized before. His birthday is this weekend, and I had planned a fun day for him, and then the next day he decided he didn't want to do any of it, and it brought back a lot of the same anger I felt when he rejected the christmas presents I got him. I think these rejections related to gifts and birthdays get to me so much because I had a difficult relationship with my mother. There was an incident when I was a child where my mother berated me over a "stupid" gift I got her for her birthday, and  said "I don't understand you and I don't think I ever will." She said a lot of hurtful things to me over the years, but that one just stung really bad. And he knows that. I got more upset about it than I meant to, and we got into a fight, but we resolved it pretty quickly. I'm trying to pick my battles and let some things go, but I am struggling with the letting go part. I do have therapy this weekend and I'm going to talk about it then. It is so hard to be in a relationship with someone that you can't just express your feelings to in an honest way... I am hoping that with time things may feel more normal. I still want to wait and see if this gets better. But I do feel kind of stuck. I still care for him, I want him to be happy, and I know me leaving would make him so sad. I'm still very conflicted about all of this. I still can't stop imagining what it would be like to be with someone that I was happy with...but honestly if this relationship ended I would need to take a loong break from dating and figure myself out.

[BigOof]

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve been in the same boat regarding resentment. I felt like I SHOULD not feel that way and that I SHOULD forgive. Some very wise souls here asked me why I felt like I needed to pressure myself to forgive, and also broadened my definition of forgiveness to include not furthering conflict.

Once I decided that I no longer needed to forgive and that I could do other things to make myself feel better (that previously would have felt like I was being selfish) and that would qualify as *forgiveness* since I would be no longer inclined to ramp up conflict, something interesting happened. I let go of a ton of resentment I’d compiled over the years, without any effort whatsoever.

Not saying that more won’t arise or some might resurface at another time. What I am saying is why beat yourself up for being your own advocate? If he’s done behaviors that have impacted you negatively in the past, there is reason to feel anger about it.

As was mentioned above, this anger ends up self sabotaging us, but nonetheless it’s an important message. How can we prevent ourselves being in similar circumstances in the future. Once you can do this, it’s much less likely that you will build up a *war chest* of resentment. Having boundaries is a critical tool in not being a subject of abuse.

[thepixies21]

Thank you to you both, I appreciate the support. It's funny, my therapy today quoted that exact phrase to me about resentment being like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is definitely what I was doing in this situation after sitting back and processing it.

I think in my mind, I'm really good at painting myself in a negative light and painting my husband like he is my victim. Old habits die hard, I guess. But my therapist is always very good at dragging out the truth of the situation.

So yes, my uBPDh is doing better in a lot of ways, but because I had been working 12 days straight, covering multiple different areas because people were on vacation in addition to the 5-6 jobs that I already have at work, I spread myself thin, I wasn't actually working the coda program, and I was falling back into old habits with my husband where I am caretaking him. I was putting off doing things for myself because I felt guilty about the numbers of hours I was working and felt obligated to give him the limited time I had, that I could have spent in doing coda meetings, journaling or just taking care of myself. And he made a comment to me that I'm doing "better" lately with meeting his needs, and he's glad I am working on myself like that for him. It made me angry beyond belief, but because I was just exhausted I couldn't figure out why it upset me so much.

I think the resentment I have doesn't stem from me being selfish or not being appreciative of the things he is doing, like I was telling myself before. I think I do want him to recognize and understand how much he has hurt me with his abusive behaviors in the past, and just because he is doing better now doesn't mean that it just erases all that history. I want an apology for that stuff, but I know expecting something like that out of someone who has an illness that prevents them from seeing themselves as the bad guy is only making me angry and sad. I am drinking the poison, and I'm mad that he doesn't seem to care. I think it is okay for me to feel like I don't know where I stand with staying here in this relationship, and I think it is okay that I am having trouble feeling like I am in love with someone who can be emotionally abusive and careless with my feelings. I don't know that I can be with a partner for the rest of my life who is never going to be able to understand how their actions affect me. I don't know if I can be with someone forever who I can't be honest with my true feelings because they will shame spiral and blame me for making them feel that way. It is maddening. I do love him, and I think foolishly there is part of me that wants to believe that as the BPD symptoms get better that maybe this will change.

I think the good news is, I know that I can get my emotional needs met through my friends and my brothers. I have been reaching out to them more, and I'm being more vulnerable and honest about the events going on in my life, and they are reacting in a really positive way. I talked with my brother on the phone for an hour last night (which my uBPDh was not happy about), and it was wonderful. It really helped to lift this heavy feeling of anger and anxiety that I've been carrying. So I'm going to try to get back on track this week. Wish me luck. :-)

[Pook075]

One thing I have realized in my personal journey is that sometimes, it's very healthy to just vent and tell people that I am angry for being treated like the bad guy all the time.  I'm a writer by trade as well, and writing is always therapeutic to just put words to paper and figure out exactly what I'm thinking or feeling.  Most of the time, those letters get deleted because I'm writing them more for myself than my ex (or whoever).

I guess what I'm saying is, it's perfectly normal to be angry or carry some resentment.  However, we have to realize that those feelings ultimately hurt us so much more than it hurts others, and it is very healthy to just let them go in whatever means we can.  The movie Frozen had it right when Elsa sings "Let it Go"...that became my fight song for a period of time.

[Outdorenthusiast]

I feel you.  Anger, sadness, fear, resentment…all these negative “bad” emotions are not bad - they are just emotions and they need to be shared.  Thanks for being vulnerable.  I still struggle accepting this, and building the courage to share with my sister and friends that the “perfect marriage” isn’t perfect.  

Each person’s journey through the valley is different.  However, the grief cycle is real, and the anger and resentment is normal.  Anger at her saying “I am glad you are getting help” when she was so massively abusive.  Anger at myself for putting up with it.  Resentment that I felt tricked.  Resentment that I am blocked from finding true happiness.  My therapist likened it to grieving the death of a spouse.  What a gut punch.  I struggled ALOT with the questions you are struggling with.  I probably still struggle with them if I am honest with myself.  

The question of wrestling/bargaining is - are you happy with your life regardless of your relationship or any relationship?  Can you be full and content without depending on another?  I framed it in my own head as I can be single living in this house (while married), or single not living in this house (separated/divorced) - which one is better?  My friends/activities happiness should not depend on someone else.  

My wife went into therapy (it has been over a year), and as of now, she is now not abusive, or suicidal, and she begrudgingly supports me having a separate life of friends and family where I can be happy.  She is also sleeping better, and I have put a ton of boundaries in place for myself and our family to survive.  However therapy is not a miracle cure.  She still has all the baggage of abandonment fears, self loathing, irresponsibility, inability to empathize, lack of self, …etc. and so this is my life now.   Having the correct boundaries, and emotional support system, it is possible to be happy - but we as non’s have to accept that they will not be more than a toddler emotionally and not let this bother us.  (And this is not easy!) Just nod and smile when weird goes your way.  

There is always the nagging feeling of if the grass is going to be greener somewhere else - but isn’t this true with everything?  So we must ask ourselves - what can we do by ourselves to be content?  The point is - it is your choice, you aren’t trapped.  You can choose to be happy or not, and you can choose to be in a relationship or not.  The two are not mutually exclusive, and you are in control of both.  Being happy 100% of the days is a lie, anyone selling you that probably has their own fantasy issues.  We are human - we feel all the emotions.  However more happy than not I have decided is a good place.  

I am on my journey, and still struggling too - but I know each day I am mostly now more happy than not, and I am not angry anymore.  She is permanently broken and I have accepted this.  Sounds harsh, but it is my truth.  Still struggling with the grass being greener, but I also don’t trust myself that I wouldn’t attract the same chaos again - so I am working on myself.  

Feel free to vent all you want - we are here - this grief phase you need to lean on others…