Confused

[Dolce mommy]

I really don't know where to start... I met this amazing woman about a year ago. We had so much in common from absent fathers to dealing with horrible exes. I had been single for about two years and worked on myself through therapy because I had a very painful divorce. So, when I met this person, it felt like we were made for one another. Of course, when you start dating someone new, you'll only show the best version of yourself... I had no idea what was to come! In my mind, this was our chance at happiness, and I was so excited to introduce her to all of the people that I loved the most.

Everything started out great. I was her "favorite person", but I also realized that she became a little too clingy, but it honestly felt nice to a certain extent. About three months into dating, she began to show this side of her in which she was easily triggered by things that you would never even think could be an issue. She also began to yell, and would attempt to engage me in yelling. I think in some way, she thought that if we were both fussing, that it meant I cared. Once I realized she was picking fights to test me, I began to love her even harder because I knew she was trying to push/pull me. I didn't want to become another person on her list that abandoned her. And because I asked her to not yell at me, she took that as me invalidating her feelings... Mind you, I opened the door to communicate any issues so we can come up with solutions... I just wasn't going to be yelled at.

After a little while longer, she began to scare me because she added punching things to her list. It could be anything from a wall to the chair. It was to the point that I had to wrap her hand up once because she bruised it. I talked to her about possible healthier coping mechanisms and ways for self care. I even offered to be her accountability buddy because I needed to get back to doing nice things for myself too, like meditation or writing. She half heartedly agreed to try these things, but I could tell she was beginning to unravel more than I had even seen before.

Fast forward to today, she was given a promotion at her job that required her to move to a major city back in Nov. It was a quick move, and although it is an awesome opportunity, it still comes with a number of life stressors, such as moving away from loved ones and having new responsibilities. Anyhow, I continued to let her know how proud I was of her, and spoke positive affirmations to her. We even chatted about ways to make the long distance work (about a 3 hour drive). However, I did begin to notice a shift in which she began to back out of the things we once discussed. Things as small as dates to bigger things like eventually moving in together whenever I got a job offer in the city, marriage, and kids. I didn't take it to heart because I knew she had so much on her plate. I figured the move had her stressed. But, she stopped calling and texting as much as she used to, and she just seemed slowly disengaged. When I tried to check in on our relationship, she hit me with the "it's not you, it's me". She informed me that living alone forced her to think about her life and she realized she wasn't happy with herself, and that she didn't love herself. Due to that, she thought that she couldn't love me properly. I understood what she was saying. She even reassured me that she wanted to stay together, that she just needed to go back to therapy and that she believes she lives with BPD. Once she shared her thoughts, I read up on the disorder and sooo many things clicked! I promised her that we would get through this once she receives a formal diagnosis, and that BPD doesn't define her as a person.

By this point, it was too late. She began to paint me black in literally a matter of two weeks. We went from having a great time during the holidays with both of our families, to her breaking up with me via text after the new year. She then blocked me on various platforms and only resorted to emails. She sent me about 20 scathing emails last week saying that I was controlling, rushing her into having a family, and even called me "too healed" for her. I was at work trying not to burst into tears in front of everyone. I emailed her back each time asking if we could at least talk over the phone after work. After all, I thought our love was stronger than this. She proceeded to tell me that I could not convince her to get back together (which is not what I was trying to do, I just wanted clarity because I felt like I had been ran over by a truck). And I could tell she was almost getting a kick out of being mean to me as I "chased her".

Now, it's a week later, and I am having all types of anxiety, confusion, etc. I dropped her things off with her best friend yesterday. Her best friend shared with me her concerns and knowing that my ex is going to eventually realize what she had done...But not after she causes a little more damage. My ex even told her friend she doesn't know what she wants, and maybe wants to explore toxic behaviors again with others as a part of "finding herself".

As of now, my ex is extremely nonchalant, and is telling others that she believes she did the best thing for her life by letting me go... Meanwhile, before me, she was cheated on frequently, financially used by people, and even experienced sexual assault from someone she met on a dating site. The way she broke up with me and the things she said about me had me going back through old messages because I almost believed the hurtful things she said I did. After going back and even sharing some messages with a friend to make sure I was being objective, I realized that she painted me to be a monster that I wasn't. So, now I'm the issue because according to her friend, she keeps saying that I'm "too healed", she wasn't used to being with someone that wanted to talk out the issues, she believes that I was controlling, she didn't like my gift giving or positive words, I pressured her, and that she needs to set boundaries in 2023. What a mixture!

I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate. I even registered to return to counseling for myself because I am so hurt and confused. I keep re-evaluating the relationship and realized how she tried to keep things on a superficial level. Flaunting our relationship, dates, trips, etc on social media, but she would never FULLY let me in where it truly counted (which I brought up to her multiple times and she just replied "well, I'm not used to that from a partner). I just want to know why was I so disposable? Out of all the others that have her hurt in her in her life, why am I the casualty when I showed so much love, patience, and care? I'm not even sure that I want to revisit a relationship whenever (if ever) she comes around. I know if we went to counseling as a couple, and individually, things might be different... I'm just not even sure I can trust her because this hurts like hell.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cranmango]

Hi Dolce. Thanks for sharing your story. The breakup (and immediate aftermath) is very confusing indeed. I think many of us here have been in similar situations, so for now please know that you are *not alone.* Your ex sounds like they are spiraling. It's so hard to see someone that you care about make destructive decisions. They might keep spiraling for some time. I am glad to hear that you are in counseling and that you are getting some space to think things through for yourself. For right now, take it one day (or hour, or minute) at a time.

You are not disposable. No person is disposable. In a warped way, the severity of being painted black is a clue of how much the relationship meant to our ex's. Sometimes they have to make us the villain. Sometimes they have to pretend like we simply don't exist. Because to acknowledge our presence, to acknowledge how much the relationship meant to them, to sit with the consequences of their own actions, to accept responsibility for the hurt they've caused--it's simply too much. This doesn't excuse the blaming, projection, painting black, etc. But it's at least a way to begin to understand it, and to take it less personally.

I'm seven months out from my breakup, and I'm still confused. Still talking to my counselor about it, still going on daily walks to reflect, and still reading these Boards. But I have a lot more clarity than I did. I hope you can keep moving forward, too, one step at a time.

[Bella2798]

I've came to read others' topics here to ease my mind after a very sudden breakup and I'm kinda awed by this much similarities among partners wBPD here.

I've heard the same thing about being too healed from my partner too. He has explained me before, and I tell it with hope it can help you understand your partner (ex) better. He said it's because he's used to an abusive kind of relationships and loves, romantic ones and non-romantic ones. It's the only way of love they know, so when everything is too great and I'm treating him non-toxically, he gets stressed, also a false gut feeling that I don't love him.

You are not disposable. That's exactly how many (if I don't say most, because I'm still learning about BPD) people wBPD behave. Everything is great and you're all white, then suddenly they see you all black. It can cause only conflicts I guess, or lead to a splitting and break up, and then the cycle begins and repeats over and over. You'll probably be laughing at me if I tell you how many break us I've been through during my relationship and yet have stayed until today. He's blocked me but I'm still waiting for him, just as I've done before.

And probably she didn't let you in and deep connection because of her fear of abandonment. This is a major fear among people wBPD.

I think when she's out of that episode (if this is an episode to her), she probably won't agree and believe any of whatever she's told you before. You're neither monster, nor controlling or behaving toxically, etc. As people with BPD partners, we might make mistakes too, because living with someone with BPD is kinda different than living with someone without BPD in many aspects. But there's one thing for sure: they project many of their own inner problems/fears/conflicts on us. My thought on this is maybe because this helps them cope with the intense feelings and pain they're going through.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. It exactly feels like hell as you said. Of course non of these explanations are excuses to her behavior and the hurt she's done to you. But at least I hope these make you more clear and less confused about what is happening and has happened.

[Cat Familiar]

Sadly, you’ve experienced the gamut of a BPD relationship. This is who she is. She was able to hide the dysfunctional part at the outset, but as emotional intimacy increased, she could no longer do that and you got to see it fully.

Therapy, ideally DBT therapy, is a long drawn out process and people with BPD have to be very committed to change. Most aren’t. They think outside circumstances and other people are to blame.

Often, with BPD lovers, you will hear a litany of past abuse from previous partners. It can easily trigger the *rescuer* part of ourselves. We will *save* them because we’d never be unkind to them.

The reality is that you are likely added to the list of all the people who’ve let her down. That’s much easier for a pwBPD to face, rather than thinking it’s their own limitations that have caused them to suffer.