How People with BPD Cannot Change Their Polarized Views of Other People

[zachira]

I am always learning new things about people with BPD and other similarly disordered people. My lesson for today is that people with BPD and other disordered people have very polarized views of people that they cannot change or adapt even when they receive new information about another person. I have spent so much time hurt over how I am seen as a scapegoat by my large extended family and their flying monkeys. My NPD sister kept telling her lawyer that I had no capacity to negotiate or be flexible in any way, yet many times I gave her lawyer information when it made sense to do so and when it would speed up the proceedings. My BPD brother has told many people that I am a difficult person. It is like once people with BPD and other similarly disordered people have another person labeled as this or that, their point of view never changes just like they have no ability to change or adapt to new situations. I was always told by my BPD mother that I was a difficult person. One day she got mad at me when I was a teenager when she asked if I liked a certain painting and I said no. Her response was: "You always have to be different." (in other words difficult). I see that the perception of me by my extended family and the flying monkeys is based on a rigid definition of me as a difficult person which they have internalized since I was a small child. I have grown considerably as a person, yet they are unable to adapt and still see anybody differently from how they were labeled as small children. In the eyes of my disordered family members and their flying monkeys, I am still the same person I was as a small child. I feel like I often get treated as if I were still a small child. My family members and their flying monkeys are still small children and I have grown up. Thoughts and similar experiences?

[Couscous]

Oh yeah, they can't change because I think that it would challenge their belief that they are omniscient because they were "wrong" about something, and they cannot tolerate the idea that they are flawed human beings with imperfect perceptions.

I also think they have some kind of irrational fear that if they accept that their perceptions may have been off about one thing, then this will automatically mean that all of their perceptions are flawed, and if this is the case, then it could only mean that they are psychotic. I think this is because of their extreme all or nothing thinking.  

Because of this kind of thinking I am realizing that this rules out the possibility of ever being able to have any kind of relationship with at least one brother and one sister, because they would have to "admit" to themselves that they were "wrong" about me, in order for any kind of reconciliation to take place.  

[Mommydoc]

Yes, my sister essentially never evolved emotionally beyond childhood.  Pretty sad.  I think we all, whether disordered or not, often filter situations, conversations, to align with our view of the world, emotions and blind spots.  We all do it… but the difference is with persons with BPD is that they have such amplified emotions and such an attachment to their view of the world, that they NEVER seek to understand other perspectives, seek to surface their blind spots or to broaden their perspective.  I think it must suck to be them because they become emotionally stuck in a  juvenile state, with limited ability to grow, learn evolve. They are stuck in these unhealthy communication and relationship patterns, that they replay them over and over again, even though they dont work. And they don’t ever reflect on their contribution to “all the ways they have been wronged?”

It reminds me of this Brene Brown quote I saw recently:
What do people who consistently extend an assumption of generosity towards other have in common? They have a disciplined practice of setting, respecting and maintaining boundaries. We can’t assume the best about others when they are taking advantage of us or not respecting what is important to us.
Because we try to deal with persons with BPD as we would with someone who is more emotionally self aware and mature, we become sucked in, co-dependent and ultimately victimized until we learn to set boundaries and tools to interact with them.   We have all learned not to JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain) with our BPD loved ones.   I still find it is often very difficult to not JADE, as it means being more aloof and sometimes feels like I am not being authentic to my most important values.  But I am now realizing that my values and being authentic to myself is so much more important than being understood by sister.  She has no desire to understand me, because it is all about her.   So ultimately setting boundaries and enforcing them, makes me a better and more generous person with those who do respect my values and boundaries. 

Zachira, every time you share a story about your sister, it feels like it could be my sister.  Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice, as it truly has strengthened my ability to set appropriate boundaries, an area you know I struggle with.