THE ABUSER, a poem (caution trigger warning)

[yellowbutterfly]

I AM SO ANGRY AND UPSET THINKING ABOUT THE ABUSE I SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF SOMEONE I CARED ABOUT. It is beyond upsetting that he could treat me the way he did.

------- --------

I'm venting so trigger warning!   I am going to talk about ABUSE below from my relationship; please know I am no longer with the stbx H and I am safe... This is venting and processing for me.

Below is my version of THE LIST, all the abuse I suffered many times over from him. The levity helped me read the original list as I haven't looked at it in a while.

THE ABUSER, a poem

• 
  The Husband's Roles:
  
  The Police > threatened to call the cops on me for no reason, have me arrested, tell them I "hit" him
  
  The Insomniac > stated that it was his bed and I must sleep on sofa; when I refused, he did things to keep me up all night. If I went to the sofa, he'd beg me to come back.
  
  The Waterboarder > used water as an abusive tactic; threw it in my face, sprayed me, or soaked my stuff, including my side of the bed
  
  The IT Tech > took my devices away from me and locked them up, tried to break phone, computer, etc; deleted information of mine from them
  
  The Spy > "Wiretapped" my devices and read/listened to all my communications (yes I know this is a federal crime)
  
  The Stalker > stalked me with technology
  
  The Director > took videos of me accusing me of abusing or hitting him. He was really good at faking a scene
  
  The Bully > called me names that I can't even write here, let's just go with "pig"
  
  The Insulter > insulted my friends and family to me (revealed private info about them)
  
  The Doctor > made fun of anything medical related to my life ... "did you forget to take your crazy pills" (I have mild, controlled anxiety); stole my medication and withheld my access to it so I got sick
  
  The CEO > attacked anything related to my business or my success
  
  The Theif > took my belongings, threatened to break them, ran around with them, hid them, broke them, stole them, destroyed them
  
  The Exposer > threatened to disseminate private pictures of me (yes again I know this is a crime)
  
  The Apologist > demanded apologies for things he felt slighted about, “recognize and apologize for your abuse, yellowbutterfly”
  
  The Projector > called ME abusive
  
  The Victim > tried to make me into a victim with information about past relationships
  
  The Trauma Inducer > flaunted anything he considered my trauma in my face when angry
  
  The Operator > threatened to call old boyfriends
  
  The Insurer > canceled my health insurance (again illegal)
  
  The Racecar Driver > drove erratically and often would threaten to leave me on the side of the road or report the car stolen if I was using it
  
  The Lunger > tried to intimidate me by lunging or throwing air punches at me
  
  The Creep > called me pet names in creepy tones and winked at me like a psycho; would tap my body and talk in a  condescending and controlling manner
  
  The Sex Addict > pressured me sexually and complained about the lack of intimacy; got on dating apps or picked up women in bars; threatened to cheat on me constantly
  
  The Fertility Specialist > mocked me for my age and fertility
  
  The Locksmith > locked me out of hotels, our apartment, the car, etc.
  
  The Hostage Taker > held my work belongings hostage so I'd miss meetings or deadlines
  
  The Freeloader > NEVER PAID RENT
  
  The Educator > demanded that I repeat things he told me back to him so "I understand them"
  
  The Suicidal Ideator > threatened to kill himself so often
  
  

xx no longer your wife xx

The Sane & Safe One

[Turkish]

The IT Tech > took my devices away from me and locked them up, tried to break phone, computer, etc; deleted information of mine from them

That's a felony. My ex's husband took her phone when she tried to call me when they both got physical in front of our kids.

Many of those acts were crimes as you point out. At the time, did you feel responsible for his behaviors? He obviously felt that way.

[yellowbutterfly]

Hi Turkish,

Yes, so many of the things he did to me were crimes if not federal ones. At the time, I had no idea whether I was upside down or right-side up. I couldn't really tell you how I felt as I'm still processing it months later.

He certainly felt I was responsible for his feelings, behaviors, etc. I don't know if he knows he has BPD but either way, when I look back on it, he is the scariest individual I've ever been around/involved with.

Thanks for reading 

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey yellowbutterfly,

I mean, it sounds like you were pretty severely dehumanized, and threatened. You must have been in a state of fear, and feeling insignificant, and like your choices were taken from you. Also, sounds like you were isolated pretty hard.

I know my exGF with BPD would isolate me, in all sorts of ways, harass me on the phone, when I'm out with my friends, demonize my friends and family, would triangulate my parents against me.

I can't really say what is the worst for you, it all sounds terrible. But I know for me, the isolation was the worst part, because it makes you more dependent on them, and then when they're gone, you're left between a rock and a hard place, in the worst state imaginable, and you don't know who to trust, because they worked so hard to get you to not trust/like the other people in your life.

Can't say I've been through a lot of what you've been through, sounds like there was a lot of threats of physical violence, and a lot of snooping/controlling of your things. How did/does how he treated your things, especially your communication devices affect you?

I made a list too, and it helped me identify it all, then the anger started, like a ton of it. I don't even want to try to think of new things, until I work through the anger, because it's so intense already. Are you mostly feeling sad or angry or both?

Hope you feel better, I know it's very rough sometimes.

[jaded7]

wow yellowbutterfly, your post resonated so much with me. May I make my own list? Just to help me be more clear and get it out of my head.

-pointed at me and angrily told me to take my clothes off when she wanted sex (I was sexually abused as a child and she knew that, I told her sex for me needed to be loving and connecting)
-angrily snapped and me DURING sex (for kissing her back? putting my arm around her when she came to bed? for closing my eyes? for putting my hand on her leg?)
-called my friends 'losers', 'pompous ass'
-called me 'worthless in a grocery store' when I offered to do the shopping for our camping trip, said I was 'just trying to cover my ass' for offering, said 'what do you want, cookies and milk for offering?' when I expressed surprise and shock that she was yelling at me
-called me a 'PLEASE READsh**ty driver'
-called me a 'PLEASE READshi**ty businessman'
-called me a 'PLEASE READsh**ty marketer'
-called me a 'child'
-said I ate 'PLEASE READsh**ty food'
-called me a 'fraud wellness expert' (because I didn't eat the food she thought I should eat)
-called my home a 'pigsty'
-exploded on me, in bed, when I went to put my arm around her when she came to bed and she HIT it away, twice, and I asked her if something is wrong with our physical relationship since we hadn't been together in 5 months and she'd been ignoring my texts and requests to come over- 'you wanna fight? Is that what you want? Ok...LET"S GO AT IT! I'm awake now, let's fight!"
-said I dressed like a 'slob'
-said my business was 'stupid'
-told me I sat around all day at coffee shops (I owned a business and worked every day for 7 years, 50-60 hours/week, up at 5:00am multiple days per week, home at 7:30pm)
-said I don't 'participate in popular culture' since I don't listen to the podcasts she does, and 'I don't follow Megan Markle'
-pulled violently off the side of a dark, 2-lane road in dusk and rain in the middle of the wilds in the mountains- in MY car- and told me 'she was going to make me walk home'. I had no idea where we were and I'm not from that area.
-said 'I had no friends and contribute nothing to the community'
- said 'I don't know why anyone would want to partner with you (in business)' since I speak so poorly and dress so poorly
-'do you really want to be the kind of person who doesn't read books?'- I have two gigantic bookshelves filled with high level biography, history, political treatises, etc.
-when I played my guitar for her the first time 'by the way, I hate Tom Petty, just so you know' (after I played Wildflowers)
-called my birthday gift to her 'PLEASE READsh**ty', called the card I got for her (an expensive, handmade, beautiful one I spent a long time picking out and writing a love note to her on) 'stupid' and 'you got it in the checkout line of the grocery store'
-said I gave her the 'PLEASE READsh**tiest birthday ever' (she forgot my birthday 5 weeks earlier)
-my Christmas gift (a nice book on walks through our city neighborhoods, with history and architectural notes- we went on many walks together) was a 'PLEASE READsh**ty book' that 'I got in the New Seasons checkout line' (not true, from my local handmade gift shop)
-said I was 'embarrassing' for saying hello to a local restaurant owner who I had met many years earlier when he first opened his business and telling him that story
-yelled at me many, many times. When I said I don't know why you have to yell at me, she said 'I needed to be yelled at' (because I took off my seatbelt as we were pulling into a rest stop on the interstate).
-said I 'bullPLEASE READted her dad' because I told him I couldn't join them for dinner since I had an event at my business, an event she knew about and helped me pick the date for


My goodness. This was eye-opening. And that's not all of it.

[Turkish]

jaded, that's horrible. I have a sick and twisted imagination (and Pat Conroy was my favorite author), but I couldn't make all of that up.

[SinisterComplex]

YB your ex should be in prison...PERIOD! There is no sugarcoating it. Now, the main reason for my response. Yes you need to process your grief, feelings, but also please remind yourself that there are good people out there still. Some monsters look just as normal as you and I, but are indeed hiding a monster form hidden within. I say monster comfortably because regardless of disorder that kind of behavior is cruel and evil to be honest. No person should be subjected to that...end of discussion to that end.

You should vent out all of it just to get rid of it. However, let us focus on you getting better and becoming a stronger version of you. The best is yet to come and should you want a new partner or seek a new partner be open to the idea. Keep your guard up and practice strong and safe boundaries and if boundaries are violated you know its time to move on.

Keep your head up, be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[yellowbutterfly]

Hey yellowbutterfly,

I mean, it sounds like you were pretty severely dehumanized, and threatened. You must have been in a state of fear, and feeling insignificant, and like your choices were taken from you. Also, sounds like you were isolated pretty hard. 

[...] I can't really say what is the worst for you, it all sounds terrible.


[...] Can't say I've been through a lot of what you've been through, sounds like there was a lot of threats of physical violence, and a lot of snooping/controlling of your things. How did/does how he treated your things, especially your communication devices affect you?

[...] Are you mostly feeling sad or angry or both?

Hope you feel better, I know it's very rough sometimes.

Thanks for responding, NE.

The hardest I think was realizing how dehumanized I was by someone who was supposed to care about me. The isolation was bad but what was worse for me was the irrational abuse (emotional). The physical abuse actually scared me less than the emotional. Sorry to say it this way, but he was so crazy! I'm actually scared to run into him but working on my safety plan.

The snooping/controlling was the worst. Thanks for asking how it affects me as I'm really struggling with this. He used the smart home system to torture me, stalk me, etc. I never realized how much I would appreciate a safe night's sleep without being tortured. I'm scared sometimes to think about my devices and using them. I've stopped using Bluetooth headphones even. It's not as though I want to go back to pre-cell phones but part of me is afraid of technology on a subconscious level now. As far as trusting others, only family and very close friends do I feel comfortable around with regards to tech.

Another hard thing I've dealt with lately is the PTSD of being assaulted by water a lot. He used it as an abuse tactic. I belive it is technically assault but it's a manipulative one as it leaves no marks or real "damage" on a person. He would throw glasses of water at my face when angry or use it to soak my side of the bed, etc. The other night I had a panic crying attack when my sister made a joke about a tv character and how she's like to throw water in his face. I burst into tears not realizing hearing her say that would be a trigger for me. She immediately recognized it and was so soothing but still, wow, my stbx H really messed up my world.

Right now, I kind of have a lot of anger as I'm in this stage of healing, processing what he did. AND ... to be continued in next post...

[yellowbutterfly]

YB your ex should be in prison...PERIOD! There is no sugarcoating it. Now, the main reason for my response. Yes you need to process your grief, feelings, but also please remind yourself that there are good people out there still. Some monsters look just as normal as you and I, but are indeed hiding a monster form hidden within. I say monster comfortably because regardless of disorder that kind of behavior is cruel and evil to be honest. No person should be subjected to that...end of discussion to that end.

You should vent out all of it just to get rid of it. However, let us focus on you getting better and becoming a stronger version of you. The best is yet to come and should you want a new partner or seek a new partner be open to the idea. Keep your guard up and practice strong and safe boundaries and if boundaries are violated you know its time to move on.

Keep your head up, be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Continued thoughts from last post...

SC, THANK YOU FOR RECOGNIZING THAT HE SHOULD BE IN PRISON! You have no idea how validating that is to hear. What makes me most angry is he's not in jail, he didn't suffer for his abuse to me because he manipulated the police, court system, his own lawyer because he is that much of a monster. I'm dealing with cleaning up after a mentally ill person who abused me for months then knew exactly how to work the system to get off scott free and tried to have me arrested. He made my life a living hell and knew what he was doing. It is beyond frustrating. I even lost my home for months (not sure if you've followed my whole story). Thank you all for letting me get it out.

Now, on to the healing. I think each day I get stronger and better. I am thankful I have this opportunity to understand myself more and heal. I have the support system (family, friends, T) to do so. I'm actually trying to date and looking forward to the opportunities. Though, I hate the idea I could see him on a dating app - that scares me. It also scares me he is out there in my world and telling lies about me. He is a nightmare worse than I ever could imagine. There was one incident when I thought he was going to kill me this summer, treating me like a hostage. WTF, who does that to someone they "love"??

Like you say above it's time to focus on me but I'm finding that a struggle some days. Though on a good note, I'm working on boundaries (and a revised safety plan in case I come across him in the world). I think in x number of weeks/months/years, I will very much appreciate all I've been through. However, right now, the PTSD is hitting me so hard. I've been scared and crying a lot this week as old memories that I don't even recall keep poping up on how he tortured me. I'm scared he is in my area again. He plays the victim and it's all so manipulative and fake. He's got that down to a "t" and I fell for it too. I can't imagine how many other women are out there falling prey to him. He's the "nice" guy you are supposed to fall for. He uses it to rope you in and then abuse you. He is so classic BPD and more mental conditions he could be a case study.

Healing is hard, but I know that I am a good person and that I'm surrounded by others who care and are good too. Including all of you on this board. You make me feel so understood even when we don't actually know each other beyond these messages.

[yellowbutterfly]

@jaded,

I read your “list” and I identified with it so much that it took me a while to respond.

I don’t think those of us who have been through this type of abuse could ever list it all. As each day passes, I recall something else I could add to the list. But doesn’t writing it all down help get it out of our systems?  Being out of the FOG makes it so clear what we went through. We survived.

One thing to think about is not to blame ourselves, or feel shame for having gone through this abuse, but to reflect that it happened to us. We will be OK. Each day is a chance to heal and move forward as hard as it might be to face our past.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks for responding, NE.

The hardest I think was realizing how dehumanized I was by someone who was supposed to care about me. The isolation was bad but what was worse for me was the irrational abuse (emotional). The physical abuse actually scared me less than the emotional. Sorry to say it this way, but he was so crazy! I'm actually scared to run into him but working on my safety plan.

The snooping/controlling was the worst. Thanks for asking how it affects me as I'm really struggling with this. He used the smart home system to torture me, stalk me, etc. I never realized how much I would appreciate a safe night's sleep without being tortured. I'm scared sometimes to think about my devices and using them. I've stopped using Bluetooth headphones even. It's not as though I want to go back to pre-cell phones but part of me is afraid of technology on a subconscious level now. As far as trusting others, only family and very close friends do I feel comfortable around with regards to tech.

Another hard thing I've dealt with lately is the PTSD of being assaulted by water a lot. He used it as an abuse tactic. I belive it is technically assault but it's a manipulative one as it leaves no marks or real "damage" on a person. He would throw glasses of water at my face when angry or use it to soak my side of the bed, etc. The other night I had a panic crying attack when my sister made a joke about a tv character and how she's like to throw water in his face. I burst into tears not realizing hearing her say that would be a trigger for me. She immediately recognized it and was so soothing but still, wow, my stbx H really messed up my world.

Right now, I kind of have a lot of anger as I'm in this stage of healing, processing what he did. AND ... to be continued in next post...

Hey yellowbutterfly, yeah it sounds like it's very raw to you too, I feel the same way, and I'm in a sort of disbelief/anger loop. It is so hurtful to have people you think truly care about you, actually want to destroy you. Not in just a petty revenge sort of way, but in a dismantle you, through all sorts of abuse, and mind control tactics. It's sad, that this is their version of love. I'm still living with my Dad, and my next door neighbor are both abusers for me, so it's very hard and I feel so alone. This causes me to realize how lucky you truly are to have your sister right there with you soothing you, how sweet is that? She sounds like she really loves you!

That sucks about the whole water thing, I can see how after a while, that would become quite dehumanizing, and also the fact that you might relate the sensation/sound to him, can be very triggering.

Sucks that you have a sort of tech paranoia, it's like you wonder if he's still doing it somehow? It sounds like you are very scared of him, and I don't blame you, his behavior sounds like it took all your choices away from you. I'm glad you have people you feel you can trust, it sounds like that might help you a lot through this difficult time.

Hope you feel better,
Good luck in your healing.

[jaded7]

@jaded,

I read your “list” and I identified with it so much that it took me a while to respond.

I don’t think those of us who have been through this type of abuse could ever list it all. As each day passes, I recall something else I could add to the list. But doesn’t writing it all down help get it out of our systems?  Being out of the FOG makes it so clear what we went through. We survived.

One thing to think about is not to blame ourselves, or feel shame for having gone through this abuse, but to reflect that it happened to us. We will be OK. Each day is a chance to heal and move forward as hard as it might be to face our past.

Thank you for your response yellow butterfly. As you know, these things are painful. I'm some time out of the relationship and just now and starting to think to myself...'hey, these are pretty mean/inconsiderate/gaslighting/cruel/disrespectful things to say or do to me'.

The mystery to me is why someone who says and does these things could be angry at ME for making her 'have to grieve the relationship'. And like many of us here, I think that we take on the responsibility of these relationships.

Writing it all down helps me, and do it often. For some reason it clears my head, gives me clarity, and I can reassure myself that I didn't deserve this.

But, like a sinkhole with water seeping in, it fills up again and I have to write it down again. I start to lose my conviction that I'm not a horrible person, and forget these things. So I write it down again.

And yes, I could add many more to this list.

Thank you for your response. You have been through a lot and, like all of us, DESERVE to be treated with respect and dignity.