Feeling numb when my mother cried

[zanyapple]

Recently, my mother was sent to the hospital. Her left eye was red and very much swollen; she had fever on/off as well. Long story short, she unknowingly ate contaminated meat several days prior which led to an infection and bacteria in her blood.

When I called her to ask how she is, she immediately burst into hysterical crying saying, "I am not ok. I am not ok." Later on in the conversation, she expressed how sad she is and she wishes to be laid to rest already.

If she said this many years ago, it probably would've tugged my heartstrings. I probably would've done everything in my power to ease her feelings and get her treatment. But today, I felt nothing but indifference. Maybe because I've done a lot of self reflection and I wanted to share more of that.

This happened in the late 80s. I was 6 years old. We lived in a 6-door apartment complex and I always played with the kids in the neighborhood. I was the youngest in the group. We all played near the landlord's house because it had the widest front yard.

One afternoon, everyone was called back to their house, and as I was walking back to our house, the landlord (old 75-80 year old man) beckoned me into his house. Stupid 6 year-old me went in and that's when the abuse happened.

I don't know why I didn't fight him off initially, but I eventually pushed him off, unlocked the front door, and left his house.

When I came back to our house, my mother was with her younger sister and her friends, karaoke-ing and eating some snacks. I remember getting a piece of bread, eating it slowly, feeling shocked about what happened.

I didn't tell my mother until I was 9. She told my dad who worked overseas and whom I only see once or twice a year. She told me my dad was upset and that "he was going to shoot the guy", but my parents didn't actually do anything.

Maybe my mother didn't know what to do? Maybe she was afraid we'd find nowhere else to live? Maybe it was embarrassing? Because I grew up overseas in a largely Christian and conservative country. Maybe she felt we didn't have a ground to stand on since the abuse happened 3 years prior? This happened in the 80s, so maybe there weren't enough resources then?

For many years, I've been able to cope, although my mother was physically and verbally abusive (but stopped when I was in high school). My parents took care of me in other ways - sent me to a good school and supported me (especially financially), but I never understood why they never took action. I would say we were close at some point, but it's the elephant in the room that we just did not and still do not talk about.

Although last year, it has come up again and she has been very negative and hostile towards me. She made it seem like I was a bad daughter, so when I brought this up, she said "What's important is now you are very blessed." Seriously. It felt to me like my feelings were invalidated, that any trauma anyone experiences is negated if their life status is in a better place.

She also said, "she can't do anything about it anymore because it's in the past. She is sorry for the damage it caused me. The only way to make up for her mistakes is to keep praying that I have a loving and peaceful life with my own family because she loves me very much. Everything bad that's happening to her now she deserves." Even though she said this, I still never really received the closure that I needed. If anything, I am more angry.

Another thing that I noticed about myself is that my feelings about this slowly became stronger when I became a mother six years ago. It seems like I was able to just put this in the back of my mind for decades, but seeing my child and knowing that I could never physically hurt her or not take any action if someone did something bad to her, makes me hate my mother more.

Is it normal for these feelings to suddenly resurface?

Sometimes, I do still feel bad for my mother in the sense that she may have experienced trauma that I'm not aware of. As I may have mentioned before, she recently found out that her 44-year marriage to my dad was voided - because my dad married her without annulling his previous marriage. He didn't disclose this until we caught the status of their marriage when I obtained a copy of my birth certificate to use for my passport application. She's always felt worthless as a housewife and this exacerbated it. Now she feels like her life is completely worthless. When she gave birth to me, my dad was MIA. I remember her telling me she was so hungry she asked another patient for some crackers. She later found out that he was with our housekeeper (a minor). Every time they fight, my dad always calls her names, tells her she's had an abortion in the past. But then again, I also know that she's very good at pushing my dad's buttons and I know for a fact she instigated it.
She grew up very poor in a family with 9 children, probably never receiving the attention she needed from her parents.

So she did experience trauma in her life. Part of me feels bad about her, but part of me also feels like she made her own bed. I think she did try to make an effort to love and care for me, but her own demons were too hard to fight, they still are. But then again, as someone who went through my own traumas, do I hurt my child or other people? No. Any good and normal person would make an effort to heal, especially for the sake of their children. I understand that back then, they may not have the resources we have now, but couldn't she have tried to even self heal?

I need to stop making excuses for her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Zanyapple,

 

The fact that your mother had traumas of her own should, in no way ever, invalidate your own traumas. You have a story, and you have a right to it.

I think it is very normal and healthy for all this anger to resurface, and all the rage, and the pain, and the vulnerability... It's healthy that it resurfaces when you become a mother yourself. It means you are healing, going through the hurt, so that you won't recreate it on your children. It's a hard road to walk, but one that is worth walking on, the only one that truly makes sense for me in this life.

What happened to you is terrible. And she could have done something. And she chose not to. And the reasons don't matter. That's just what happened. It is your story. And from there, you get to decide how you feel about her decisions and your father's decision. You get to look back at it, with your grown up eyes, and see how messed up and disgusting it all is. And you also get to see that : you were never at fault here, and you didn't ask any of it. You were a victim. A young victim. And you were not protected when you should have been. And now, you get to set the pace of your forgiveness, if forgiveness you want to give, because you don't even have to. You are in control now.

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to show up for yourself in this way.

I send lots of love your way, and support.

 

[Mommydoc]

Thank you so much for sharing your story Zanyapple.   I am so sorry this happened to you, and beyond that, so sorry that no one was there for you to protect you, leaving you to navigate this alone.  I can only imagine how much this impacted you as a 6 year old.  I suspect your mother had her own traumas but  that doesn’t matter.  She should have protected and supported you.  Your feelings towards her in this moment are very normal.  You don’t need to mother her or take care of her, you need to take care of yourself.  Sharing your story here is part of that essential self care.  Thank you for your courage.

The journey towards healing from sexual abuse is a life long one.  I was raped in the mid 80s, but unlike you I was in my early 20’s.   I told one girlfriend the next morning what happened, and she kind of blew it off as you drank too much, so I blamed myself.  We have come a long way as a society ( but still have a ways to go) related to sexual abuse because at that time, the victim was always to blame…. I totally blamed myself and didn’t tell my parents as I was certain they would be ashamed of me. I numbed out and didn’t process it at all.  A few years later, I saw the movie The Accused with my father,  in which Jodie Fosters character is gang raped, and the rape scene resurfaced it all for me.  I silently sobbed through the rest of the movie, and tried to pull it together, when my father and I went out to dinner.   He figured it out almost immediately, and said the exact thing your father did.   “ Who is he, I am going to kill him”.  I didn’t tell my mother until recently, when Christine Blasey Ford testified and my mother “didn’t believe her” because she didn’t remember many details.  My story was a lot like Dr. Fords, except both you and she remember way more than I do of the details.  I guess that was part of my coping. 

I don’t want to hijack your story with mine, but I do want to recognize that our society is also to blame for the shame that is projected on victims of abuse.  I hid/suppressed my story for a long time and failed to process it as a result.  You were a victim, and you didn’t do anything wrong, and your family and community should have made it safe to share immediately, so you could be protected and supported in your healing. 

I told my husband and kids my story, and gave them permission to share it with friends and colleagues, and offer myself as a someone who can provide support in their healing journey. As a mother, I made sure both my son and daughter understood physical boundaries, and the red flag if anyone ever violated them the importance of telling us.   Unfortunately, my daughter at age 8 was inappropriately touched by her best friends older brother, but she told us immediately.   It was a horrible experience as that friendship was destroyed, but she knows that her friend betrayed her by taking a bribe from her brother, and she knows that was wrong.  I doubt we handled it perfectly, and I am sad it happened, but what is important is my daughter looks back on it, as a moment of pride in herself for speaking up and choosing herself.  She now shares her story with others.

We each have a choice on how to process our trauma, and your mother made her choice.  As Riv3rWolf points out, by sharing your story, you are taking control of it.  I am still processing mine but I now look at it as a scar that is healed and take pride in my journey and resilience.  Sending love and support.   

[zanyapple]

Hey Zanyapple,

 

The fact that your mother had traumas of her own should, in no way ever, invalidate your own traumas. You have a story, and you have a right to it.

I think it is very normal and healthy for all this anger to resurface, and all the rage, and the pain, and the vulnerability... It's healthy that it resurfaces when you become a mother yourself. It means you are healing, going through the hurt, so that you won't recreate it on your children. It's a hard road to walk, but one that is worth walking on, the only one that truly makes sense for me in this life.

What happened to you is terrible. And she could have done something. And she chose not to. And the reasons don't matter. That's just what happened. It is your story. And from there, you get to decide how you feel about her decisions and your father's decision. You get to look back at it, with your grown up eyes, and see how messed up and disgusting it all is. And you also get to see that : you were never at fault here, and you didn't ask any of it. You were a victim. A young victim. And you were not protected when you should have been. And now, you get to set the pace of your forgiveness, if forgiveness you want to give, because you don't even have to. You are in control now.

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to show up for yourself in this way.

I send lots of love your way, and support.

 

Thank you so much, Riv3rW0lf, for this wonderful message. I read it over and over again. ❤️ Thank you for helping me understanding and validating my feelings as to why they are resurfacing and seemed to have gotten stronger.

I just come from a culture where "filial piety" is ingrained in you; it's embarrassing to not uphold it. That's why I feel so conflicted often times. I don't think I can forgive, but I also don't know why I keep on giving when she doesn't even respect me.

[zanyapple]

Thank you, Mommydoc, for sharing your story. I'm very sorry about what you went through. Like your husband, mine knows about it too, but I don't think he understands how it has impacted me or how bad experiences like that impact anyone. I think he think it's just one bad experience that you just don't hold on to. He has a way of brightsiding everything. It is helpful in some ways, but not in situations like this.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you manage to cope? Did you go through therapy? Did you ever report the perpetrator to the authorities?