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Anonymous22

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« on: February 02, 2023, 10:05:44 AM »

Hi all!  I haven't posted for awhile, but hit an emotional wall this morning so figured that I would check in to get some advice.  I have tracked my uBPDh's moods for 2 months now.  It is like clockwork.  Anytime that we are not around each other for even the shortest amount of time, he accuses me of cheating on him.  Mind you, while the thought of actually having an affair has never crossed my mind, I have 4 biological children that I am the primary caregiver to and one step child that is at our house about 2 days a week.  I don't have time to do anything for myself, let alone have all of the affairs that I have been accused of...especially since I have at least 2 children with me at all times when I am not at work...who would be so low to have an affair in front of their kids!  Ugh!  Anyways...as my calendar predicted my husband split black last Friday after coming home from work.  He had to leave the house to go to work, and I followed through with taking the little kids to their activities.  I used to not do anything, even go to the grocery store, without him because I would get accused of the cheating, but I have realized that I can stay home and if he leaves the house the same thing happens...even though I am sure he watches me on our home security cameras during this time.  He was not nice Friday or Saturday, but was ok to be around.  Then on Sunday, my oldest son (his step-son) had a basketball get together.  My husband accuses me of cheating on him with all of my kid's sports coaches, married, single, woman, older, younger...it doesn't matter who the person is, apparently I am sleeping with all of the coaches so that my kids get playing time!  Our friend had asked if I could drive her son to the party, as she had a family emergency she had to deal with.  The time came for us to leave, I started to walk out to the car, he asked me to take off the shirt that I had on because he gave it to me.  I asked him why.  He said that he knew exactly what I was about to do.  I said yes, me too, go take the kids to the party and come home...I literally wasn't even planning on walking the kids to the door at the party.  He then started screaming at me at what a whore I was, etc.  My oldest son and daughter went out to the car, my step daughter grabbed my 2 year old and went to a bedroom and my 4 year old was playing video games just started crying.
 I went over to my 4 year old, to apologize and ask if he wanted to go with me, and my husband ran over and stood between me and my son.  Through him, I apologized and asked if he wanted to go with me.  My husband started screaming again that the kids were not going with me and he kept trying to be between me and my son.  I then went and asked my 2 year old what she wanted to do, which she said stay at home.  I then asked my husband to move so that I could talk to my son, he did but told me that I am not allowed to take my son.  All my son did was cry.  I told my husband that I was going to call my therapist and did so.  I then left...recorded the whole ride on video.  When I got home, my husband was doing everything that he could to bribe my 4 year old, playing his favorite video games, "we can play for as long as you want" and my 2 year old ran over to me and asked that I lay with her.  She immediately fell asleep.  We had a family birthday party to go to later that day, but I still needed to get a gift.  Earlier, my husband had said that I could get the gift without him or my step-daughter.  After playing video games he told my step-daughter that he was going to shower, then the 2 of them would go get their own gift and go get her shoes.  I then left to get the gift, pick my older son up and head to the party.  He did not get a gift but did go to the party.  He was not nice for the next couple of days, ignoring me and "my" older 2 kids.  Thursday rolls around and I have to stay home from work as my youngest has the stomach flu.  Without telling me, he decides to not work as well.  All day he was trying to get at me with his actions, with moving his laundry basket downstairs, taking random bags out to the car (trying to make it known that he was doing so but also trying to "hide it").  As a side note, he is renting a house as I took a protection order out on him, prior to agreeing to try to reconcile our marriage from divorce proceedings, and at that time he was removed from the house.  He has slept at the house less than 5 nights in 3 months, but uses it as a way to threaten me...see I am going to leave.  My older kids came home from school, and we had to get ready to go to my daughters soccer game.  My husband then proceeded to go upstairs and bring bags of clothes down and out to his car...trying to be noticeable to me and the kids.  In the process, he yelled at my 11 year old son as he didn't say "hi" the second that he saw him.  My husband then told my son never to say hi to him again.  In a storm, he left, saying by to 3 of the kids, but not me or my 11 year old.  I told my son not to worry that we knew he would do that, and that we knew our worth better than he does...this was so he could hear me.  We went to soccer, on the way home stopped to do an errand and pick up some takeout dinner.  I decided to text my husband to see if he wanted anything...I don't know your plans but if you would like any food please let me know.  He responded immediately thanks for asking, though I am going to get a different type of food.  Later that night, my 2 year old threw up again.  I let him know through text, he said ok, that he was on his way home after he got his food.  He got home and has split back white.  Both he and my oldest son ended up getting the stomach flu as well.  He was in a great mood until yesterday when he had to go to work again, and I went out with the kids and did errands.  He returned home, split black.  I made him dinner (food that he only likes) and he left it sitting on the counter.  He wouldn't speak to me or "my" kids but would do anything for "his" kids.  In the middle of the night, I heard him get up and go watch TV, which is very normal for when he is splitting black.  I then woke up realizing that I had missed my alarm for work and saw that he was back in bed.  There is a part of me that thinks that he turned my alarm off as I don't remember hearing it or shutting it off.  I had a very early meeting that I was afraid that I was going to miss.  Thus, I was trying to go very fast.  As I was leaving my husband told me that he wanted to give my daughter a kiss. I said ok but that I needed to go fast as I was late for a meeting.  He then started screaming at me and swearing at me.  I began to record him and said that i hoped that he would get help as he really needs it and that the kids don't need to see this.  He continued screaming at me that I was a whore and a cheater, etc.  I left for work.  I then sent him a text saying that I loved him and was worried about him as his patterns are very clear and so is his resistance for help...part of our court orders for our reconciliation is mandatory individual therapy and couples/family therapy when our individual therapists say its right.  I am in individual therapy, he started but I don't think goes any more, and is avoiding couples therapy by cancelling initial sessions and not responding to the therapist for getting started...that I am scheduling family therapy as I believe the kids need it and that I hope he and my step daughter will attend.  He responded back saying that I am a lyer and have told all sorts of lies about him to all sorts of people and that I need to take accountability for my actions in the past and that I continue to do before I get the kids involved in therapy.  I responded with I love you.  Any suggestions?  UGH!
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Anonymous22

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 34


« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2023, 10:09:27 AM »

Also, this is totally random, but is it normal for sex to be everything for people with BPD?  When things are good, my husband wants to have sex all of the time, but when things are not good I get accused of having sex with a million other people.  To make him not accuse me of having an affair while I am at work, I have been having lunch with my husband.  He wants to have sex every time...and not just a quickie...like 2 hours and I say that I need to get back to work and he takes even longer...ugh. 
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Joaquin
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« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2023, 11:09:17 AM »

I’m so sorry for your struggles. Others may be much better versed in the cheating accusations, but I think it stems from a fear of abandonment. My uBPDw was very jealous when we got together of my female friends and made me cut off all communication with my exes even though she spoke to hers repeatedly after that. I cut down my innocent communication with purely platonic female friends to try to make her feel safe. She never accused me of cheating because it’s abundantly obvious that I never would for religious reasons and just my strong principles, but she still gets very jealous at the thought of my exes or of small things like the fact that I used to have a crush on Monica from friends. Extreme jealousy is common with BPD, I think bc of the abandonment fears.

As far as the sex thing, I haven’t heard anything about BPD and sex but it’s interesting that you point it out bc it was an issue for us as well. I was so stressed and broken down early in our marriage that sex was far from my mind (I was struggling to just exist), and she would constantly complain to me about it. Maybe it’s another extension of abandonment fears? Maybe sex is an attempt at enmeshment for pwBPD?
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Anonymous22

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« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2023, 11:31:53 AM »

Thank you for your response!  I know that he does this to get attention and if I ignore it, it is better, its just hard to do so!  Especially knowing a blow up will happen, already being stressed as I woke up really late for work and am about to miss a meeting, and having the thought that it is a real possibility that he turned my alarm off.  Though lately, I have done much better.  A question on the family therapy...am I correct in trying to schedule this, even if he won't attend or let my step daughter attend?  I know that the only person that I can change is me...I am doing all I can with therapy, energy work, etc.  Outside of this, there is nothing that I know of that I can "change"...as he keeps telling me that I need to do before I get the kids involved.  I am stuck, he wont attend couples therapy and I believe has stopped individual therapy. I won't force him to do so, as I believe he needs to want it on his own to make actual strides on himself.  If your family isn't enough to make you do it...and a court order isn't enough to make you do it...I don't know what is.  I need to get help for those who will accept it.  I feel like my kids need help...they don't want it, but with everything that they have seen and go through I feel like they need it.  They deserve to have a voice too.  As a side note, my husband has seemed to not remember his actions during his splitting black times lately.  After he moved a lot of clothes to his other house...he said to me a couple of days later, "wow, I don't have any clothes" as he was getting ready for the day.  Ummm...yeah don't you remember taking them to the other house...there are several occasions where this happens...he doesnt remember anything that happens during these times...
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Joaquin
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« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2023, 01:51:00 PM »

Eesh I’m sorry this is so tough. I’m new to this and no expert, but pwBPD do a lot of projection, which may explain why he’s putting the responsibility on you. Lack of insight is a major issue for BPD. They have intense blind spots for their own behavior, which feeds their self-justifying blame or criticism of you. It’s important to listen openly to his thoughts and feelings and take responsibility for your behavior and feelings, but it’s also important to remember that you can’t entrust an objective assessment of the situation to pwBPD. His BPD distorts his perception of reality and shifting responsibility (for problems in the relationship, for his feelings, for anything) onto you is a primary defense mechanism for pwBPD. Don’t take responsibility for more than your share. That’s where setting boundaries comes in (a tough thing im struggling with, but necessary). If you’ve taken an honest look at yourself and you feel you’re doing everything you reasonably can, you deserve to feel confident and not have to endlessly question your own efforts. I felt that way for a long time before I understood what was behind all this.

This was a hard lesson for me. My wife blamed me for everything and gave me full responsibility for everything for years as a way of protecting herself and I internalized it bc I didn’t know she had BPD. I felt like I was living in the twilight zone and nothing made sense. The harder I worked to please her, the worse it got and I was living in constant hyper vigilance trying to satisfy her needs and change myself according to her criticisms, losing touch with myself and my dignity completely.

Interestingly, I noticed my wife also forgot entire parts of conversations when she was activated and in self protection mode. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say she never absorbed them in the first place. PwBPD are trying desperately to survive and protect themselves, and this will run all over you if you let it. It ran over me completely. You have a right to protect yourself and your children. You have a right to pursue safety and security. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings and perception of reality.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2023, 02:00:39 PM by Joaquin » Logged
meed

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2023, 02:47:54 PM »

My heart goes out to you, Anon. I know from experience that this is heartbreaking and a difficult thing that you have to go through. It's so easy for an outsider to think "why does she put up with it" or "why doesn't she just leave this guy" but how dare I judge as I have chosen to stay with my uBPDh.

Just this morning as I was leaving for work he was trying to hold me up bc he didn't want me leave. I told him I couldn't be late because of a meeting. We have a vacation scheduled for next week and he called me about a 1/2 hour after I got to work and said he didn't want to go on vacation and I should take the guy from work that I am sleeping with.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone!
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Anonymous22

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« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2023, 03:05:12 PM »

Thank you both for your responses! 

Meed, your morning sounds very similar to mine.  My husband knows not to call me at work any more, but I used to get those calls all of the time...accusations that would go on for an hour plus.  Anything to throw me off and make me think about him.  I have been told the same thing and have gone on vacations just the kids and I, with him backing out at the last minute...and have had him back out the night before the vacation, and minutes before we left he change his mind and decides to come.  It hurts, its miserable!  But I think about my kids...if its not me he is doing this to, it will be the kids.  I saw him do it to my step daughter at the beginning of our relationship.  I can't have my kids treated this way. 

Back to continuing on with life...trying to let him join if he wants and understanding if he doesn't...

 
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SaltyDawg
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Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2023, 02:13:50 AM »

Anon,

I wanted to respond sooner; however, I have been quite busy.

I will respond to some of the key points you have brought up.

I have tracked my uBPDh's moods for 2 months now.  It is like clockwork. 
Borderlines are very predictable once you understand their patterns and what triggers them.

Watching you with security cameras gives me a big creeper vibe and is abusive.

His accusations of you cheating and having affairs with whomever you come in contact with is emotional abuse likely stemming from his fear of abandonment, and possibly unstable relationships too.  While not as bad as your spouse, my spouse has done that to me as well on a few occasions.

Borderline Rage, especially in front of the children and making them cry and cowering in their bedroom is unacceptable.  This too is being abusive, and should stop.  It is a trait of the borderline, my uBPDw does this frequently, especially if she is prone to being triggered [tired, hungry, bad day at work, or any number of other reasons].

Favoring blood children over step-children is not right and can be emotionally abusive, especially in a blended family.

Re:  Court ordered counseling/therapy.  Follow the courts rules to the letter.  Go to both the individual, and the couple's [without him, talk to your individual about this, and your attorney on this].  Do record him [consult with your attorney], get a body camera if necessary.  Do document ALL of his non-compliant behaviors, it will work to your advantage later on.  However, do not flaunt that you are doing this at it will likely trigger him even more.

Also, the level of abuse has me concerned, especially with the rages.

Please familiarize yourself with the following page on Domestic Violence as rages can become DV super quick - I am huge guy, and I have experienced it from my uBPDw so it didn't hurt me too much, but I did feel the impacts for days:
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm


Also, this is totally random, but is it normal for sex to be everything for people with BPD?  When things are good, my husband wants to have sex all of the time, but when things are not good I get accused of having sex with a million other people.  To make him not accuse me of having an affair while I am at work, I have been having lunch with my husband.  He wants to have sex every time...and not just a quickie...like 2 hours and I say that I need to get back to work and he takes even longer...ugh.

It is not totally random about 'sex'.  It is actually extremely common with borderlines.
 Brace yourself for this one - my answer may be triggering for you.  Hypersexuality [wants it all the time] and Hyposexuality [doesn't want it at all] or flips between the two states, based on my informal research on this, there is a high probability that he may have suffered some kind sexual abuse as a minor. My observations are based on an informal question/answer on a board for borderlines by borderlines on Facebook and do not meet research criteria; however, I have no reasons for the information to be false as true borderlines have no emotional filter and generally speak their truth when not triggered.  The reasons for these behaviors is split pretty evenly [at least with females, not enough answers for the males] between the following two dysfunctional reasons 1.  Fear of Abandonment and/or 2.  Self-Harm - they are reliving their childhood trauma.  All but one of the males who answered was for reason #1.  Out of the 50+ respondents, only one answered the reason why in a healthy way of "because they wanted to" - reading the answers was quite disturbing, especially the self-harm ones deliberately reliving the trauma.  Drill down on my name, I have previously discussed this on other threads in more detail.

A question on the family therapy...am I correct in trying to schedule this, even if he won't attend or let my step daughter attend?  I know that the only person that I can change is me...I am doing all I can with therapy, energy work, etc.  Outside of this, there is nothing that I know of that I can "change"...as he keeps telling me that I need to do before I get the kids involved.  I am stuck, he wont attend couples therapy and I believe has stopped individual therapy. I won't force him to do so, as I believe he needs to want it on his own to make actual strides on himself.  If your family isn't enough to make you do it...and a court order isn't enough to make you do it...I don't know what is. 
Yes, I am feel that you are correct to do this with or without him or his consent.  Only you can take care of you and your children.  Check with your attorney on this.

I need to get help for those who will accept it.  I feel like my kids need help...they don't want it, but with everything that they have seen and go through I feel like they need it.  They deserve to have a voice too.
Check with your attorney on this.
 
If your children are less than 16 years old, you can compel them to go.  However, use your judgement on forcing them to do this.  If they have minor coping issues, don't press it.  However, if they have suicidal ideations, self-harm, ODD, or other destructive behaviors, do compel them to go.

As a side note, my husband has seemed to not remember his actions during his splitting black times lately.  After he moved a lot of clothes to his other house...he said to me a couple of days later, "wow, I don't have any clothes" as he was getting ready for the day.  Ummm...yeah don't you remember taking them to the other house...there are several occasions where this happens...he doesnt remember anything that happens during these times...
What you are describing is 'disassociation,' Symptom 9/9 in the DSM V, my wife has had this too, but only on her most extreme rages.  Think of it as an alcoholic becoming black-out drunk, and can't remember the bender, from what I understand there are some similar pathologies going on here according to my previous individual therapist who had a PhD in an unrelated field of psychology.

With everything that you do, please do my number one recommended thing of 'self-care' whatever that looks like for you.  Outdoor exercise, curl up with a book/movie/tv series, nice long hot showers, time with friends.  Whatever it is, do it.

Here is an article on emotional abuse  https://www.sagu.edu/documents/Counseling%20Services/Self%20Help/How%20to%20Spot%20Emotional%20Abuse%20and%20What%20to%20Do.pdf

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Anonymous22

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 34


« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2023, 12:41:14 PM »

Thank you for your response.  I need to dive into some of the materials on here, as I know that I am missing out by not utilizing this site to its fullest.  Unfortunately, the only time that I am able to come to this site is the 2 days that I work, as I am attending to 4 kids all of the time outside of that!  So my husband has now, out of the blue, agreed to go to couples therapy.  We had previously had an initial session with a therapist who does not accept insurance.  He seemed great.  I set up an appointment for us, which he initially agreed to, but then he cancelled it.  According to him we needed to see other therapists to have more to choose from and he wanted someone who took insurance.  Ok.  So I set up an appointment with a lady who took our insurance.  According to him, he wanted to move forward with her as she will hold me accountable for all of my actions, as the man we saw doesn't believe in blame, etc.  I have nothing to hide, so I have no problem with being held accountable for anything so I set things up to move forward with her.  We both had our one on one appointments with her...she nailed him immediately.  We then got an email saying that we needed to sign paperwork saying that she could speak with our individual therapists, with the therapists info before she would schedule our first real appointment.  According to her, which I think is a great idea, we will only make progress if working on ourselves with an individual therapist, so she needs to make sure this is happening before she will make an appointment with us.  So I sign the paperwork and return it.  A couple of weeks later, I ask her if we can schedule.  She says that my husband has not submitted his paperwork, so no.  I mention something to him.  He thinks that is crazy.  Then out of the blue yesterday asks me to set an appointment with the man therapist since he isn't going to follow through with the lady's requests...even though he was adamant that we go with someone who took our insurance and who held me "accountable".  Ok.  So I am in the process of scheduling an appointment with the man...through a group text with my husband on it so that I can't be accused of hiding anything.  And just like that, my husband has split black today as I am at work and trying to schedule this appointment...I don't think it has anything to do with the appointment, it is his weekly split because I have to go to work...though we usually meet over lunch when I work which makes him a little better, but he told me that he is "too busy today".  I originally thought that the reason he didn't want to give the info to the therapist was that he wasn't actually attending therapy, but he did attend an online session yesterday...at least that is what he told me he was doing.  What is the big deal of having therapists talk...it may actually help us!  Ugh!   
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