How to deal with the intense anger and hurtful words/actions of my BPD SO

[SupportiveSO]

Hello all,

I'm new here, this is my first post. I'm glad I (45/m) found this community, as my SO (45/f) has recently been diagnosed with BPD. We've been married almost 17 years, together for almost 19. And while her symptoms have always been present, I've always considered her a "firecraker" and given a sort of meaning to her tumultuous behavior. However, as we have gotten older, her symptoms are becoming more pronounced.  
 
One of the many obstacles we face is her explosive anger. She calls herself a 'rage-aholic' after reading Ronald T Potter-Efron's book Angry All The Time at the suggestion of our marriage counsellor. She goes from 0 to 100 in a flash, raising the temperature of many conversations/arguments into a full-blown fights where she gets loud, belligerent, and self-righteous. When she gets into her angered state, she claims sees 'red' and blacks-out, often not remembering the things she said or did when she was angry. In order to help her see this side of her, we've adopted the name Scarlett to metaphorize this side of her. This has helped her to recognize her anger after the fact, and given it a name. When Scarlett is out, it manifests in her saying things to me like, "You're a low-life    PLEASE READ   ," and "You're a pathetic loser who can't even f*ck his wife," and recently to "I wish you'd die and I would be happy if you did," among other scathing epithets. But when she's calm and I've told her/shown her video of what she has said, she apologizes for saying them and says she doesn't mean them, but when she's angry she's very indignant. Her realizing she says/acts this way when she's in rage-mode was a large part of her motivation to seek help: And I believe she sincerely wants help to change. In fact, she just yesterday had her first appointment with a psychiatrist who diagnosed her with BPD. I am trying to be supportive in her quest to heal, as it has taken me quite a while to show her her ways when she is angry and convince her to seek help.

My question is, how can I cope with the insults? I know she loves me, I really do. But her personality disorder has become harder to bear. Thank God she is finally going to get help for it. Does anyone else have experience with this? What were your coping strategies? I do see a personal therapist myself, who understands what I'm dealing with and has provided support and guidance, and who suggested I seek a partners-of-individuals-with-BPD support group. So here I am.

There are other aspects of our lives that are affected by her BPD which I may decide to divulge in time, but for now, the rage is a good start to discuss. I would appreciate your perspectives and suggestions.

Thanks for reading,
SupportiveSO

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[outhere]

Hi SupportiveSO, you're in the right place!  I feel like we're in a similar situation.  My wife and I both realized she probably has BPD last fall and are slowly dealing with it.  We've been together for 16 years, married for 13 and always called it her "temper".

Something that stuck out to me in your post was the alternate name - apparently this is actually a BPD thing.  My wife is quite self-aware, knows she has BPD and accepts it, and found this information online somewhere but I can't find it right now.  She likes for people to call her by a pseuodnym - I feel like it might have something to do with being terrified of their real self and it's a way of distancing themselves from it.

To your question regarding hurtful statements: I've experienced a lot of this and it is abusive and you are right to be hurt by it.  However, I encourage you to not react to it as if a stable, sane person said it to you - try to keep perspective and take a time out (go for a walk, etc).  For coping, I remind myself that those words come from her sickness and not her soul.  The downside of this, for me is that I feel more alone than before.  I say to myself now "my wife is ill and behaving like an infant" rather than "my wife is upset maybe I've done something wrong".

[Frustrated_in_OC]

The cruelty you describe coming from your wife when she’s having an episode is sadly similar to my situation. My husband of 12 years (together for almost 18) displays many BPD traits but is unwilling to seek a formal diagnosis. His therapist (we are both doing individual therapy after our marriage counselor said joint sessions would be futile unless he could learn to accept accountability) has advised him that he has traits and my therapist thinks similarly, so it’s not unknown to either of us. We actually started therapy because he got physical during one of his episodes several years ago. He continues to struggle with his explosive anger. I tell him he’s throttling at 75 at all times bc the smallest things seem to take him immediately to 100. When he reaches that point, he says whatever will cause the most pain. I’ve been called a loser, fat, ugly, stupid, a PLEASE READty mom … I’m ashamed to say I’ve been pushed, grabbed, spit at, and yelled at when he puts his face about 2 inches away from mine. It’s been so difficult to try to work through this.

In a way, knowing it’s “something” and not just a horrible personality flaw is helpful. And my therapist has told me to set boundaries and not to take the comments personally. I think boundaries are key. Letting your wife know there are lines you will not tolerate being crossed and learning to enforce and disengaging with kindness are critical. It’s not easy. Several days a week, sometimes a day, I think I should leave because I feel miserable. But I also know so much of the bpd symptoms come from a place of hurt and fear of abandonment. My husband always apologizes after but it’s becoming more difficult to accept the apologies knowing another blow up is around the corner. Unfortunately, I think as individuals who have a SO with BPD, the brunt of the burden is ours to carry. At my therapist’s advice, I keep a bag to leave overnight ready at all times in case things get very heated. I have de-escalating statements ready eg I feel this conversation is going to result in one or both of us feeling hurt and I don’t want that for either one of us or our marriage so I’m going to walk away from this conversation; I’m not abandoning you but I need some time and space away from this fight so we can revisit when we’re both ready to have a healthy conversation. Does it work? Most of the times, no. But I have seen improvements and hope that with consistency, continued therapy, perspective, and time, things will get materially better. Take care of yourself.

[SupportiveSO]

Hi SupportiveSO, you're in the right place!  I feel like we're in a similar situation.  My wife and I both realized she probably has BPD last fall and are slowly dealing with it.  We've been together for 16 years, married for 13 and always called it her "temper".

Something that stuck out to me in your post was the alternate name - apparently this is actually a BPD thing.  My wife is quite self-aware, knows she has BPD and accepts it, and found this information online somewhere but I can't find it right now.  She likes for people to call her by a pseuodnym - I feel like it might have something to do with being terrified of their real self and it's a way of distancing themselves from it.

To your question regarding hurtful statements: I've experienced a lot of this and it is abusive and you are right to be hurt by it.  However, I encourage you to not react to it as if a stable, sane person said it to you - try to keep perspective and take a time out (go for a walk, etc).  For coping, I remind myself that those words come from her sickness and not her soul.  The downside of this, for me is that I feel more alone than before.  I say to myself now "my wife is ill and behaving like an infant" rather than "my wife is upset maybe I've done something wrong".

Thank you for your reply, outhere. It's interesting that alternate names and pseudonyms are a thing with those with BPD. Maybe you're right, and it's a way for them to look at themselves without being terrified of their other self and creating some distance b/w them and their BPD. 

Regarding your suggestion to not engage and possibly taking a walk, I do do that, but her rage can turn into the proverbial cold shoulder, where she stays silent for a lot longer than I can. It inevitably has to be me who eventually has to make the peace, as she is not mature enough in her healing to be the 'bigger person' and approach me. This has created times where we've not spoken to each other for days at a time. Because of her false sense of self-righteousness, she can remain in fight-mode for a lot longer than I can. Hopefully her upcoming therapy can help her find a way to break through this pattern. Fingers crossed.

I will continue to try to perceive her as ill and not speaking from her true self. I will continue to try to be supportive and remember than she has taken the hardest step and is trying to seek help. I give her lots of credit in this regard. Hopefully I will develop a stronger sense of self instead of thinking I've done something wrong or what she is saying she means.

Thank you for your perspective and support.

[SupportiveSO]

The cruelty you describe coming from your wife when she’s having an episode is sadly similar to my situation. My husband of 12 years (together for almost 18) displays many BPD traits but is unwilling to seek a formal diagnosis. His therapist (we are both doing individual therapy after our marriage counselor said joint sessions would be futile unless he could learn to accept accountability) has advised him that he has traits and my therapist thinks similarly, so it’s not unknown to either of us. We actually started therapy because he got physical during one of his episodes several years ago. He continues to struggle with his explosive anger. I tell him he’s throttling at 75 at all times bc the smallest things seem to take him immediately to 100. When he reaches that point, he says whatever will cause the most pain. I’ve been called a loser, fat, ugly, stupid, a PLEASE READty mom … I’m ashamed to say I’ve been pushed, grabbed, spit at, and yelled at when he puts his face about 2 inches away from mine. It’s been so difficult to try to work through this.

In a way, knowing it’s “something” and not just a horrible personality flaw is helpful. And my therapist has told me to set boundaries and not to take the comments personally. I think boundaries are key. Letting your wife know there are lines you will not tolerate being crossed and learning to enforce and disengaging with kindness are critical. It’s not easy. Several days a week, sometimes a day, I think I should leave because I feel miserable. But I also know so much of the bpd symptoms come from a place of hurt and fear of abandonment. My husband always apologizes after but it’s becoming more difficult to accept the apologies knowing another blow up is around the corner. Unfortunately, I think as individuals who have a SO with BPD, the brunt of the burden is ours to carry. At my therapist’s advice, I keep a bag to leave overnight ready at all times in case things get very heated. I have de-escalating statements ready eg I feel this conversation is going to result in one or both of us feeling hurt and I don’t want that for either one of us or our marriage so I’m going to walk away from this conversation; I’m not abandoning you but I need some time and space away from this fight so we can revisit when we’re both ready to have a healthy conversation. Does it work? Most of the times, no. But I have seen improvements and hope that with consistency, continued therapy, perspective, and time, things will get materially better. Take care of yourself.

Thank you for sharing, Frustrated_in_OC. I'm also ashamed I've been abused similarly. It's hard to admit. But you are correct: knowing it's something (ie, a BPD condition) is comforting, as it's somewhat solidified that it's not a me thing, but a her thing.

I really like this response: "I feel this conversation is going to result in one or both of us feeling hurt and I don’t want that for either one of us or our marriage so I’m going to walk away from this conversation; I’m not abandoning you but I need some time and space away from this fight so we can revisit when we’re both ready to have a healthy conversation." I will strive to use similar words and tone next time she's having an episode. I pray she will not take it as my being condescending, as she does become really self-righteous.

I hope for the best outcomes for us both. Sending you support in return.