returning for support

[Ruby Larkspur]

Hi, although my mother has never been dx with BPD, the descriptions are so spot on ... I became aware that she was probably on the BPD spectrum about 9-10 years ago and have stopped in here in the past to learn and to ground myself in reality. In that time I have tried to remain in relationship with her at times -- and for a while, I had no relationship with her.  I have been working with a therapist regularly back then, and again recent years on how to remain in relationship with her but also protect my own mental health. Most recently I tried and ultimately failed at detachment -- it is so easy to get sucked in.

She's elderly now. Last week, out of the blue, she screamed at me for 30 minutes over the phone after I dared to put together a plan with some ideas on how to help her with some things.  In addition to recovering from that experience, I'm also grieving hard, and have been for a while. I'm grieving for what I never had, and how it will never get better, and watching her get old in isolation, thanks to the choices she has made. It breaks my heart. I'm also grieving because I can't have the kind of relationship with her that I had with, say, my grandparents as they aged. I'm grieving b/c she will never be the mom I need and want. 

After last week's screaming my counselor and I talked about exploring in the future "how much Mom I can tolerate." Also, for a while I'm just trying to get comfortable with not knowing how that will look, and not feeling pressured to figure it out, and focusing on self-care. I was trying to call her weekly and visit one day a month, but definitely not doing that anymore.  I don't know what it will look like moving forward. Honestly, I'd like to cut and run. I'm not her executor or power of attorney or anything; thank you Jesus for that. I'm the only member of our immediate nuclear family who still has anything to do with her. My father divorced her and my brother hasn't spoken to her in 13 years.

Anyway, if anybody has any tips or experiences with grieving everything you lost and are losing b/c of BPD, I'd appreciate your support and input.

[Notwendy]

Hi Ruby-

I think several of us here can relate to your situation. I also have an elderly BPD mother and have tried to help her and it has resulted in her being angry at me. It's discouraging.

I think if we look back at some memories, we have these moments of wishing for the kind of relationship with our mothers that we think people have with their mothers. Sometimes it is just in moments, like seeing a sentimental Facebook post or a card in a store.  Likely you have friends who also have mothers who are around the same age and see their relationships.

I think several of us are also navigating that situation of- we want to be helpful and yet, we also need some boundaries for our own sakes, due the verbal and emotional abuse. It's been known that elderly people can be angry and frustrated at times, but this has a different quality to it and also that secure foundation with a parent that grown children have isn't there. Emotional and verbal abuse is not acceptable behavior- and if this were an acquaintance- we'd know what to do. When this is from an elderly parent, it's a complicated decision.

What we decide has been according to our individual situations, but I think we have a lot in common- the wish for a "normal" relationship and yet, this is different. It's a different kind of grief. It's hard to know how your relationship with your mother will look like- I think we all just do the best we feel we can with it.

[So Stressed]

Thanks Ruby and NotWendy.  I have the same issues ... grieving for the mother I never had. I realize now that I have spent a lifetime trying to be "good" so that she will love me, but it is not possible. She thinks she sacrificed her life for me, but truthfully, she has never done that.  It has always been all about her.

My Mom is elderly too and she gets into screaming rages at me when I try to help her.  I had not lived close to her in years, so I was shocked and sought help from a therapist.  As I became more aware, I realized that she had been having these tantrums with her partner and his family, as they had asked me if she had a mental health issue.  As I have said before, we also had an alcoholic other parent, so it seemed like the family issues were always his fault. I am now seeing it differently.

It has been a lifetime of abuse and it has escalated as she has aged. I just do my best and am detached, so that if she flies into a rage, I just say, "I have to go now," and then I either hang up the phone or get in my car and go home. I can't tell you how many times I have cried all the way home because she is so mean. 

To cope, I have gone to Alanon, attend this site and share and read, see a therapist, go for walks, read helpful information, and try not to let it bother me, but it does.

[Nopuppets]

Hi Ruby and a big hug to you as I know how difficult this is.  My mother is also elderly and uBPD.  Like you, for me it’s been about 10 years since a therapist of mine made me aware that she is likely borderline.  I’ve come to realize the grieving is a journey.  I have found boundary setting with her and other family members that “feel sorry for her” to be very helpful with moving forward.  Also, as she and my father continue to age, I’ve accepted what I am ok with doing can change and that’s ok.  Nothing has to be set in stone, that’s been a big one for me that has made working through my grief and emotional well-being easier to handle.  One of the most helpful things I’ve found is not conversing with any friends or family members about her that do not understand the dynamics, especially those that dismiss how painful this situation is.  And for any of her flying monkeys, I limit contact with them. 

This group is a true life saver!  There is always someone who understands and will help ❤️.  I hope you can find something enjoyable to do over the weekend and find some peace 

[Methuen]

Hi Ruby,

I'll just chime in to say that I too can relate to your situation with an elderly parent.  My 86 yr old ubpd mom lives a few minutes away from me. Her physical and emotional needs sucked me into the proverbial "black hole", and the only way I could claw my way out was to return to work.  There are no words to describe the rage that followed when I told her I was going back to work.  That was a year ago. I tried to be the perfect daughter for the first 55 years.  For the last 5 I have struggled to emotionally detach and start to look after myself.

I probably started seeing a T about 10 years ago, but back then it was sporadic and rare, because I didn't even understand BPD.  The last 5 years has been methodical and predictable visits with T to help me navigate this minefield.

You mentioned her screaming at you for 30 min on the phone.  So one thing I have learned is that I need to not be her doormat and participate in my own abuse by staying to listen to it.  The last time, I calmly told her that we could talk more when she was feeling better, and then I left out the front door of her house.  The time before I didn't even stop to put on my shoes.  I just picked them up and walked out.  I have used the same line on the phone, and then had to hang up while she was still talking.  It was hardest the first time.  It gets easier.  She hasn't attacked me like this now for a long time, but that's also because I have so much less contact with her, both in breadth and depth.  I spend less time with her, and the time I do spend is more superficial. And I feel much safer for it.  My amygdala has had a chance to calm down.

Emotional detachment has helped.  I don't see her as my "mother" any more.  She is an "old person" that I talk to and help out, and bring the odd little happy surprise (gift) to. I still have a lot of obligations to her, but I put on my "happy face" and limit my exposure, and 95% of the time, other family is there with me.  I don't see her much alone any more.  She still tries to FOG me, but I have learned strategies, and a lot of the time these strategies work.

But it's still hard.  I still care for her, and about her.  I still want what's best for her.  But I 've had to accept that what she wants for herself is completely different than what I want for her.  So she get's to do it her way, and then also be responsible for that. I can't rescue her from herself.  They want rescuing, but then they feel controlled.  It just doesn't work.  It's not a normal relationship, and can never be one.  I've done a lot of grieving.  It's a process.  Now I try to focus on the things I have and enjoy in the world and be thankful for them. And I continue to do good deeds for others even if I can't do what I would like to for my mom because I need to enforce boundaries with her.

Anyway, if anybody has any tips or experiences with grieving everything you lost and are losing b/c of BPD, I'd appreciate your support and input.

Let yourself let it all out.  Scream or cry - whatever it takes.  Processing this grief takes time.  But I think it's important to get it out, or it's like a poision, and just keeps making us sick.  We want grief to be over, but grief has it's own timeline.  I also believe we store a lot of stress in our muscles and bones, - so I find consistent movement helps to release that - along with therapeutic massage and physiotherapy. As for the organ upstairs - the brain - T, this forum, meditation (or faith) and mindfulness, nature and learning to prioritize self-care have all been helpful.  The loss will always be there, but these things can help. Even if they only help 50% of the time, that's something.

Lastly, I really avoid talking about her with anyone, on any level. This is hard, because I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and some of those "body's" like to make it their business, and also society like to make "asking about the parents" a point of conversation.  I always find these moments a trigger.  I have a scripted line or two, and quickly change the topic if they bring it up.  I find societal expectations a real trouble spot for me to deal with.

Hugs to you.

[zachira]

Having a mother with BPD is a lifelong sorrow. My mother with BPD is deceased and I still grieve the loss, how not having a healthy relationship with her and the rest of the family has impacted the quality of my life. I believe that our self image begins to form from the time we are born, and that having healthy relationships with our early caregivers helps us feel loved and secure even after the caregivers are no longer alive. I find that grieving the losses of never really having a loving mother and family, for short increments on a regular basis helps me to move on quickly, especially in how long I am triggered in intensity when I feel overwhelmed. The biggest misconception in dealing with close dysfunctional family members which hinders our healing can be feeling we have to be over it and move on like we are able to do with relationships and friendships that are not with a caregiver or relatives in which there are no ties preventing getting these people who mistreat us completely out of our lives. I am glad to hear you have a therapist and are posting here, though sad for the circumstances that bring you to this site. We have a great support group here, so do post as often as you need to. We are here to listen to success stories as well as moments of complete frustration and sorrow over having a mother with BPD and other dysfunctional family members.

[Ruby Larkspur]

Gosh, posting and reading everyone else's posts here helps so much. Thank you very much for sharing; I don't feel so alone in this anymore. Nopuppets, that is a good point about not discussing her with family. For the last 10 years I am working on building a family of friends. Pretty much limit actual family to quick in/out or sending gifts/flowers b/c I don't have the energy to keep up a facade.