Getting past it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there

This is my first post in here, and maybe i come here a bit late in my process of healing, after a final break-up with a BPD ex.
Like so many others, I was left in a confused state, after the final break-up happened last summer, and I off course at first I got confused, but what made my confusion worse, was that I have kept every single message she ever sent me, and from those I could see, that my sense of reality and what had happened was correct. But I still blamed myself, and I did so knowing that she years back, had been given the BPD diagnose while we had one of our break-up periods.

Now, what made me come out of my hole of self blame and feeling worthless, was to dive into another. I started reading about BPD and recognised not only her, but also my own codependency issues. I started reading everything I could find, and watching videos on youtube, and that made me move from hating her, to feeling sorry for her. But feeling sorry for her, and especially feeling sorry for her children, is what keeps me in a loop now. I dont want any sort of contact with her, but I cant shake the feeling of being responsible for her children, since I am the only one who knows about the diagnose. I have some contact with friends of her (they developed into friends of mine during the 4 year relationship I had with her), and I sense that they sense something is a bit odd with my ex, but they dont know what. I feel like I sit on this gigantic treasure of info, and that I need to communicate it to someone, but I have a feeling that I confuse the need for telling someone about it with selfhealing.

To make matters worse, my ex doesnt come from the country in which we live, and she is in many ways alone here. The friends I refer to is from her home country, and thus far away, but these friends are the closest ones she has and I fear a complete breakdown in my ex, when/if the guy she is dating now leaves her, or if she leaves him. And I fear that it will hurt her kids, especially her young son, whom I have seen already starting to take responsibility for his mothers mood. This is something I did with my mother as a child too, and I know what it can lead to. And it makes me really, really sad.
Im trying to tell myself its not my responsibility, that telling someone close to my ex about these things will only make matters worse, that my feelings for telling someone is actually only about me and my feelings, but I also feel like watching a a car accident in slow motion. Im not going to tell anyone about it. I think its a lose-lose no matter what. But I need to understand where the need comes from.

So tell me, are my thoughts about telling someone only a tool for selfhealing? Is it in reality egocentric that I think like this? Is it still my codependency showing its face? Or is it completely normal to be worried about it? I have to say this confuse me.

[Morten]

Hi there

This is my first post in here, and maybe i come here a bit late in my process of healing, after a final break-up with a BPD ex.
Like so many others, I was left in a confused state, after the final break-up happened last summer, and I off course at first I got confused, but what made my confusion worse, was that I have kept every single message she ever sent me, and from those I could see, that my sense of reality and what had happened was correct. But I still blamed myself, and I did so knowing that she years back, had been given the BPD diagnose while we had one of our break-up periods.

Now, what made me come out of my hole of self blame and feeling worthless, was to dive into another. I started reading about BPD and recognised not only her, but also my own codependency issues. I started reading everything I could find, and watching videos on youtube, and that made me move from hating her, to feeling sorry for her. But feeling sorry for her, and especially feeling sorry for her children, is what keeps me in a loop now. I dont want any sort of contact with her, but I cant shake the feeling of being responsible for her children, since I am the only one who knows about the diagnose. I have some contact with friends of her (they developed into friends of mine during the 4 year relationship I had with her), and I sense that they sense something is a bit odd with my ex, but they dont know what. I feel like I sit on this gigantic treasure of info, and that I need to communicate it to someone, but I have a feeling that I confuse the need for telling someone about it with selfhealing.

To make matters worse, my ex doesnt come from the country in which we live, and she is in many ways alone here. The friends I refer to is from her home country, and thus far away, but these friends are the closest ones she has and I fear a complete breakdown in my ex, when/if the guy she is dating now leaves her, or if she leaves him. And I fear that it will hurt her kids, especially her young son, whom I have seen already starting to take responsibility for his mothers mood. This is something I did with my mother as a child too, and I know what it can lead to. And it makes me really, really sad.
Im trying to tell myself its not my responsibility, that telling someone close to my ex about these things will only make matters worse, that my feelings for telling someone is actually only about me and my feelings, but I also feel like watching a a car accident in slow motion. Im not going to tell anyone about it. I think its a lose-lose no matter what. But I need to understand where the need comes from.

So tell me, are my thoughts about telling someone only a tool for selfhealing? Is it in reality egocentric that I think like this? Is it still my codependency showing its face? Or is it completely normal to be worried about it? I have to say this confuse me.

[kells76]

Hi Morten, welcome to the group -- glad you found us 

Sounds like you have chosen to be done with the relationship, yet are still coping with some feelings of responsibility -- not for her, necessarily, yet definitely for her kids' well-being.

This seems like an important possibility to think about:

I have a feeling that I confuse the need for telling someone about it with selfhealing.

Am I tracking with you, that you're wondering whether what you actually need is to heal -- but that need gets communicated to you in your mind as "I have to tell someone that she has BPD"? Is that close?

It might be what's going on, or it might not be. What's good, either way, is that you're willing to consider the "why" behind your strong urge to disclose to someone (her friends, etc) that she displays many traits and behaviors of BPD.

It also makes sense that you want better for her kids -- you wish they could be taken care of, not confused, and have accurate information.

How old are the kids, and what was your relationship like when you and their mom were together?

Overall, it just strikes me as normal that you'd feel sad for her, even more sad for her kids, would hope that disclosing BPD could lead to healing, and would be working to untangle where those feelings are coming from and what's motivating those feelings -- like you said, the motivations could be: codependency, genuine care, a roundabout desire to heal, egocentricity ("I'm the only one who can fix this"), and normal grief and loss. It could be any &/or all of those at once.

Morten, I'm curious if you've had a chance to look through some of the lessons on Detaching we have here? Any of those stages/lessons resonate with you?

Also, don't hesitate to check out our other boards. The "Parent with BPD" board has a lot of reflection from adults who grew up with a BPD parent, and some threads include their thoughts on what helped them make it through.

Let us know how you're doing, whenever works;

kells76

[capecodling]

Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad to see that you have come along in your healing.   I related to a lot of what you said, having been in a similar situation (BPD woman with kids) so I know those feelings of responsibility can be really tough.

How long has it been since you and she broke up and how long have you been no contact?

Everyone has to decide where the "line" is for them.   For me, I was not willing to continue with a borderline woman (or woman with at least BPD tendencies) who was not willing to go for treatment.   The only way I would have continued would be if she had already been in treatment for many years.

As for letting her know or trying to protect her kids, do you honestly feel like you could do so without reengaging, setting back your healing, and endangering yourself?  Also how much of that stems from a codependent need to be the rescuer?

[Morten]

Hi Kells

Thank you kindly for the answer.

You are close. I think I confuse the need to help her and her kids with the need for selfhealing. As if helping her son will make me go the last mile of healing. I care for all three of them, her, her daughter (aged 17) and her son (aged 10), but I at the same time, I really need to have no contact with her. But I am the only one other than her, who knows about the diagnose, and she doesnt acknowledge it. Im worried about the son especially, with whom I was quite close during the relationship. My own daughter is still involved with him on the phone and online. A couple of years ago he started to show some behavior, that I recognise from myself and my childhood, when I took it on me, to take care of my emotionally unstable mother. This is what really worries me. I know what damage that can bring to a small child. So I think my concern is very real, but I think my need for helping, is rooted in that savior complex.

This relationship is not my first with a mentally unstable woman. The mother of my child is diagnosed with a couple of things too. But leaving her was easy, even though some of the things she has said and done, are similar to the way my ex-girlfrien has discarded me.

I havent had the opportunity to look around in here yet, as I am concerned with a couple of other big issues in my life right now, but I'll have a look at it today.

[Morten]

Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad to see that you have come along in your healing.   I related to a lot of what you said, having been in a similar situation (BPD woman with kids) so I know those feelings of responsibility can be really tough.

How long has it been since you and she broke up and how long have you been no contact?

Everyone has to decide where the "line" is for them.   For me, I was not willing to continue with a borderline woman (or woman with at least BPD tendencies) who was not willing to go for treatment.   The only way I would have continued would be if she had already been in treatment for many years.

As for letting her know or trying to protect her kids, do you honestly feel like you could do so without reengaging, setting back your healing, and endangering yourself?  Also how much of that stems from a codependent need to be the rescuer?

Hi capecodling

Yeah, I think it complicates things when kids are involved. I really care for the children. I have been close to especially the son, for all 4 years we were togehter.
We broke up late june 2022. The first couple of months I tried to figure out what had happened, and to deal with her behavior. She was saying quite a lot of awful things about me, but stayed in contact anyway, telling me she cared for me, and was worried about me. Simultanously she moved on to a new man inside 2 weeks ( this she has done before during our small break-ups) but when the 4th man since me dropped her, she opened the door for me again, only to slam it in my face when I took the bait - this was during october. That was when I decided for no contact. So I stopped writing her i early november. She contacted me around christmas though. A couple of days before christmas she contacted me, asking how my father was doing (he is a terminal patient) and told me that she was good and in a new relationship. I didnt answer and then I was blocked everywhere, which suits me fine, I just wish I had blocked her first. So for me, I havent written her anything since november, other than greating her kids happy birthday.

For your last question, then yes I have a strategy for how I would get the info out there, so I dont need to connect with her again. But when it comes to the selfhealing I actually have no idea. Maybe it could give me a setback, maybe not. But I tend to think that my need is more for selfhealing purposes and my codependency taking over. But on the other hand I am genuinly worried for her son. He is such a sweet and empathetic being, and I would hate for him to get the complexes I have. Well, lets just say I confused :-D

Only thing Im not confused about, is the no contact. I dont want her back in my life.

[capecodling]

You are close. I think I confuse the need to help her and her kids with the need for selfhealing. As if helping her son will make me go the last mile of healing. I care for all three of them, her, her daughter (aged 17) and her son (aged 10), but I at the same time, I really need to have no contact with her. But I am the only one other than her, who knows about the diagnose, and she doesnt acknowledge it. Im worried about the son especially, with whom I was quite close during the relationship. My own daughter is still involved with him on the phone and online. A couple of years ago he started to show some behavior, that I recognise from myself and my childhood, when I took it on me, to take care of my emotionally unstable mother. This is what really worries me. I know what damage that can bring to a small child. So I think my concern is very real, but I think my need for helping, is rooted in that savior complex.

I really identify with your situation a lot because its so similar to what I went through.   I admire that you recognize that you shouldn't have any involvement with the mother.  That has been the hardest part for me.  The mother had such a hold over me, escaping her gravity took a while.   In my relationship she had 2 daughters, and the older daughter and I had become close because that daughter didn't have any father figure in her life, and due to being special needs, she was shunned by all the boys at her school too.  So I really worry about that daughter especially, but at the same time, I recognized it was impossible for me to continue to have any involvement in her life because the mother would just end up using the daughter as leverage to weaken me or exploit the situation in some other way.  That part still really bothers me.   Its all so tragic because there isn't anything I can do to help without endangering myself, the daughters, and also enabling the mother.  Maybe for you too?   Our hands are truly tied.

[capecodling]

Only thing Im not confused about, is the no contact. I dont want her back in my life.

I'm clear on this also.   I don't want further contact, but at times I still hurt.   In 4 months my average level of pain has gone from a 10 out of 10, missing my ex to around a 6 out of 10 now.   That's the main struggle now, shedding the pain and slowly burning it away from my mind, body, spirit.

[Morten]

I really identify with your situation a lot because its so similar to what I went through.   I admire that you recognize that you shouldn't have any involvement with the mother.  That has been the hardest part for me.  The mother had such a hold over me, escaping her gravity took a while.   In my relationship she had 2 daughters, and the older daughter and I had become close because that daughter didn't have any father figure in her life, and due to being special needs, she was shunned by all the boys at her school too.  So I really worry about that daughter especially, but at the same time, I recognized it was impossible for me to continue to have any involvement in her life because the mother would just end up using the daughter as leverage to weaken me or exploit the situation in some other way.  That part still really bothers me.   Its all so tragic because there isn't anything I can do to help without endangering myself, the daughters, and also enabling the mother.  Maybe for you too?   Our hands are truly tied.

At First it was really difficult for me to let go of her, and cut her off, but when she started saying some really out there things about me and our time together, I had enough. So the cutting off came somewhat easy to me, when it finally came, but the thoughts and the worry are very difficult to get rid off.
But I have a feeling she will contact me again. And that will be a test for me. The worrying is painful, and I could see myself dropping my guard in order to help her. On the other hand I al firm in my decision Not to let her back in, and me dismissing her in that sense could worsen the situation I think. So for Everyone its better with No contact. But that boy… the loop goes on.