Boundaries and enabling

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi! My 27 year old daughter lives at home and has been cycling through this loop for the past 5 years. Tries to get help-looks into very expensive holistic treatment centers - no one accepts her and tells her she needs more care than they can give - refuses to see a therapist - tells me she has it all figured out - decides she doesn't need therapy - leaves for a week or two and then comes back. It has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have tried so much to be there for her, but it is gotten to the point where her rage and anger towards me is seeping out everywhere. Is it reasonable to have the boundary that if she wants to continue to live here, she must get a therapist, or some sort of energy healer, dr and see them on a weekly basis? I feel like I am never going to get off of this hamster wheel with her and so afraid she is going to do extreme harm to herself. Any insight would be so appreciated. Thank you

[Tesstess]

Hi! My 27 year old daughter lives at home and has been cycling through this loop for the past 5 years. Tries to get help-looks into very expensive holistic treatment centers - no one accepts her and tells her she needs more care than they can give - refuses to see a therapist - tells me she has it all figured out - decides she doesn't need therapy - leaves for a week or two and then comes back. It has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have tried so much to be there for her, but it is gotten to the point where her rage and anger towards me is seeping out everywhere. Is it reasonable to have the boundary that if she wants to continue to live here, she must get a therapist, or some sort of energy healer, dr and see them on a weekly basis? I feel like I am never going to get off of this hamster wheel with her and so afraid she is going to do extreme harm to herself. Any insight would be so appreciated. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Tesstess
I know what the feeling of being on the hamster wheel is like!

Your proposition is very reasonable - and I have had thousands of reasonable propositions go through my head over the years.

What I do, though, is follow through with the possible outcomes. If your dd agrees then it is a very positive move forward.

If dd says 'no' you will need to enforce that she moves out. You know the situation so where would she go etc?

The decisions I make on making conditions, setting boundaries etc always depend on (a) how likely it is that my dd will agree and keep to the boundary and (b) if she is more likely to refuse or break a boundary then what would the situation be then.

As I say, it is absolutely reasonable that you have this condition for dd to stay with you. If you are prepared to follow through then it could be a game changer.

If not, then there are other ways to get off the hamster wheel I think. Can I ask who would be paying for the therapies if dd was accepted into one?

[Tesstess]

Thank you so much Sancho-

I am so exhausted right now, I didn't really think about what would it look like
if she says no, and/or yes who pays for it..etc. etc. She works PT and has some
savings; but I believe there is not much left. Her grandparents gave her some
money to put towards mental health and since I haven't been charging her any
rent, I hope there is more there.

She told me last night she got into a program out in CA but they can't take her
for 2-3 weeks. (not 100% confident this is true, as she does tell stories)
She also told me once she goes, she is not going to be
talking to me ever again, as I am now the villian in her story and the only
thing I was good at as a mom was creating celebration traditions. (sigh)
The program has a big family component which she told me wasn't going
to be happening...

I managed to listen quietly and told her that I want her to be happy and
if she needs to distance herself from her family that I would respect that.
 I would continue to pray that we somehow found our way back to each
other in a healthy relationship.

Do you have a healthy relationship with your person with BPD? Is that
even possible? Thanks again for your feedback

[Tesstess]

Update to update... just saw a post I did last year when my daughter was 26!
 ...

How can I be in the same position...yikes! Something needs to change-

[Sancho]

Hi Tesstess
I really like the way you responded to your dd. In answer to your question about whether I have a meaningful relationship with my dd. I have to say the answer is 'no'.

I can't speak for everyone of course. I understand that individuals with bpd have a wide range of symptoms and intensity of symptoms. In my case the intensity of feelings of abandonment is very high and as a consequence dd is very impulsive in 'latching on' to anyone. And substance abuse compounds the situation.

Your dd sounds as though she is very intent on having control of what treatment she wants and how/when she will participate. When you are pushing a barrel uphill it is no wonder we get exhausted.

I have 'let go'. I have done all I can. I love dd and will always have a room here for her because she really can't maintain any longterm relationship, and would - as she has in the past - end up on the streets.

The verbal abuse is awful but I have learned to let it 'float past me'. I don't respond to it. So its a strange life I live, but my silence ensures that the intense angry abusive moments de -escalate more quickly, and that is better for me.

I hope you can focus on doing something about your exhaustion. Focus on yourself as much as possible, and nurture yourself in any way that you can.

We run a marathon with our bpd children and we need to appreciate the gift of our own lives. I hope you can find a way to start refreshing your body, mind and emotional self.

[Tesstess]

Thank you, Sanchez... It helps knowing there are others out there experiencing similar situations.