chats with over guys

[sunflower_scot]

hi all

so i have been with my wife for about 4 years and most things are great but something she done at the start and she blaimed on memory and blacking out due to bpd she was having a rough time due to her family and through that threw her phone so i let her calm down and moved the phone to beside me but then a while after msgs from another guy came through and due to what the msg said i ended up looking at the convosation and i know i was wrong to do it but i was worried and she had been talking to him and another guy for a little while once she calmed down i did say to her about it but she said it must have been during black outs so we left it at that as was pointless arguing but then a few months ago i seen she was talking to other guys in ways that she should not be in the convos its almost like shes empling im not even with her , this time i did not say anything i just deleted the convos and blocked the guys and then she never said anything but then a couple days ago i noticed she was talking to another guy and he was asking to meet her , i know i should not be looking at her phone without her knowing but i cant help it as due to my own mental health i worry alot , i dont think she would go any further with it other than chat due to us pretty much being with each other all the time as im her husband and carer due to other health issues but im still worried and think she needs help with it and i think shes mainly doing it for attention which i do give her but maybe thats not enough for her

any advice from people that have been through similar would be great 

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[kells76]

Hi sunflower_scot, welcome to the group -- glad you reached out for some help.

Infidelity is a huge challenge for marriages. It sounds like one of your values is faithfulness, yet your W doesn't seem to share that value -- she continues to engage with other men in a way that strikes you as unfaithful.

Many pwBPD (people with BPD) lack strong boundaries, and that can translate into inappropriate behavior, or a viewpoint of "the rules don't apply to me".

Was her chatting with other guys the thing that led you to suspect BPD? Or have there been other things that made you think BPD?

I'm also curious if she would be open to marriage counseling. Does she think there are any issues in your marriage?

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and again, welcome;

kells76

[sunflower_scot]

thanks for your reply i think my main issue is when it first happened she said it was because of her blackouts so she did not remember doing it and i know that happens when she acts out or is triggered she says she does not remember its almost like she switches to being another person but then can change back to normal suddenly , i done it twice where i deleted the convo and blocked the person when i seen it on her phone as a alternative to asking her about it as i know it will trigger her but shes never said anything about the convos vanishing so thats where i think shes not fully aware what shes doing which she does when shes triggered sometimes

[kells76]

Does she acknowledge that, whatever the cause, her "blacking out" is an issue?

[sunflower_scot]

She just blames it on past trauma and says her brain switches off

[waverider]

pwBPD are often validation junkies, and no matter how much you give they always hunger for more.

Also they can compartmentalize their lives to feed whatever their needs are. Often this leads to "flirting" with others to get this validation, then being guilt free about it as they feel it is their business and nothing to do with you. In reality in their world it has no affect or reflection on you, it is kind of like a parallel universe. If the two worlds collide then they simply flat out deny, and will almost make you question your own reality. "Blacking out" is one of my wives favourites for avoiding responsibility. When you simply avoid confrontation and let it slip, then it becomes a big tick for it worked, so will become a go to excuse.

So should you confront it? Well that leads to escalation anyway so there is no resolution, if you try to give more attention to "compete" then the behaviour works for them so they continue with it.

Best you can do is see it for what it is and have your own values and boundaries as you are unlikely to be able to change the way she behaves. If she can do this now, then she can do it in the future. Its the nature of the beast so to speak.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as partners is getting caught up in the endless futile battle to try to "change" our pwBPD. 

[Go3737]

Mine's weakness was Gay men.
No issue with gays but they notoriously would get way too close replacing me as the emotional partner then they'd get jealous of the relationship (marriage) and cause all sorts of problems until I made her give them up.
Now that we are apart she is pursuing the old ones with a vengeance... and the sad part is they are all down and out.
She threw me, a quality man for them. What a waste.

[sunflower_scot]

@waverider that all sounds very similar to me but i think sometimes she is distant and when i spend more time that normal with her she says im being to much i think im right saying that could be caused by bpd cos sometimes its like she does not want me to be close to her but then other times she really does want to be close . i think im just worried that she takes the chat further even though part of me knows she wont me having possible adhd does not help things. i dont think confronting her about the chats is good idea but part of me also thinks i should as maybe she needs help to stop