Sick of the abuse but don't know what to do

[outhere]

Hi everyone,

First time posting on the 'conflicted' board.  I'll describe the situation.  My uBPDw basically has no besides me.  We've been together for 16 years.  Her parents both died recently, no siblings, her other family are difficult (she's tried reaching out), and her few friends are not supportive.  She has multiple chronic illnesses and contamination-related OCD.  I am her caretaker (prepare most meals, make money, drive, do the chores, groceries, etc).  We have not had sex in around 5 years.  She is easily triggered and prone to breaking things and threatening suicide.  We are perfectly miserable.

After doing some reading, I've been realizing my role in the situation, my own issues, and have been trying to stand up for myself and stop walking on eggshells around her.  As I pursue this, and try to assert myself in conversations with her, and try to be honest with my own feelings... I am starting to conclude that I cannot continue... and I have very mixed feelings, because I don't believe that she deserves to be alone, and I'm afraid that she will kill herself, and obviously I care about her but feel like her behavior is starting to seriously negatively affect my physical health and sanity.

When I stand up for myself and tell her "I will not accept your abuse anymore" it makes her feel guilty and suicidal.  What do you do with that?  How do you get through besides running away? 

I am tired literally and figuratively, and desperately need something to change.  Thanks for reading.

[outhere]

Forgot to mention: no kids.

[ForeverDad]

Was your marriage 16 years?  In the old days your exposure could have exposed you to longer spousal support or alimony.  These days alimony is shorter, giving enough time for a transition from married life.  Often it is less than 50% of the time married.  My alimony was 1/6 of time married.  I was married for nearly 16 years when we separated but divorce was final at 18 years, so I paid alimony for 3 years.

Were her illnesses and mental issues pre-existing?  That is, can she "blame" you for causing them?

If you do end up separating and divorcing, she may try to claim she became disabled during your marriage and therefore she would demand longer support.  She can ask for the moon too but doesn't mean she will get it.

From a legal standpoint, domestic court is there to manage the unwinding of the marriage.  If you feel you cannot handle being married longer, then court will not stop you from divorcing.  You are both adults.  Court might even direct her to various agencies to transition her care to them.

Do you have an experienced family law attorney?  Are you benefiting from sessions with a counselor?  That's helpful to help you maintain perspective.

[outhere]

We've been married 12.5 years and are in Canada if that makes a difference.  I am speaking with a therapist regularly and it's indeed very helpful.  I haven't ever thought about the legal aspect of separation, I'm just starting to accept the possibility emotionally that that might be where this is heading.  Thanks for your help.

[zondolit]

To leave, or even consider leaving, a 16-year relationship is not easy. However, it sounds like staying is untenable.

It's good that you can recognize you (both) are miserable.

What does your therapist say?

I am starting to conclude that I cannot continue... and I have very mixed feelings, because I don't believe that she deserves to be alone, and I'm afraid that she will kill herself, and obviously I care about her but feel like her behavior is starting to seriously negatively affect my physical health and sanity.

Mixed feelings here are very normal. You cannot control how she feels or what she does. You can only try to control yourself.

One piece of advice: instead of pointing out her abuse as abuse, try refraining from that word and use the specific behavior instead. And any talk must, must, must by backed up by action. She might not be capable of stopping her own behaviors, so your limit is put on yourself. (Example: You don't like middle-of-the-night phone calls and tell her. She calls anyway. Your limit is to not answer the phone.)

If she is abusive, leaving her is not running away. In fact, I sort of see staying in an abusive marriage as running away--from reality and from your own needs and health. Frame it positively: this is what needs to happen for you to stay in the relationship. Your therapist can help you with this list.

You can't save anyone but yourself.

I separated from my emotionally abusive husband earlier this year. (We have children, so that is the hardest part). The raging sea I was living in immediately calmed.

[kells76]

One piece of advice: instead of pointing out her abuse as abuse, try refraining from that word and use the specific behavior instead. And any talk must, must, must by backed up by action. She might not be capable of stopping her own behaviors, so your limit is put on yourself. (Example: You don't like middle-of-the-night phone calls and tell her. She calls anyway. Your limit is to not answer the phone.)

Good insight from zondolit. And, that could be a change that is 100% under your control, to try out.

I suspect that talking with her like you would with a "broadly normal" person won't be very effective -- that is, with a "broadly normal" person, if you tell that person "don't keep abusing me", that person will likely be shocked, horrified, say "Oh my gosh, I didn't realize, now that you told me I will stop".

With a pwBPD, saying "I don't accept your abuse" is like a neon-lighted open doorway with a sign saying "Conflict This Way". It's an invitation for her to argue with you that she actually isn't being abusive, that you're the problem, and that you're the cause of all her bad feelings. Sounds like you've already experienced some of this.

Like zondolit suggested, what's more important than "calling her out" is what you do with your actions. Your actions will show, more strongly than verbal statements, what you'll stick around to let into your life. Yes, sometimes a behavior-focused statement could be part of that, but like zondolit said, be prepared to follow through every time.

For example, maybe in the past, when she made suicide threats that seemed manipulative, you might have said "I won't tolerate this abuse". A different choice, going forward, could be: "When I hear suicide threats, I will step away to call my T and ask my T what to do". Or: "When I see things getting broken around the house, I will step out to take a break, and be back in one hour". Or whatever you say that you can decide ahead of time you can and will follow through on. (notice that the words "you" and "your" don't appear).

Glad you also have a T. Having a pwBPD in our lives is so difficult, we need all the support we can get.

[outhere]

Thanks to you both.  I've only touched on the subject of separation briefly with my therapist.  They don't say a whole lot, I mostly spill my guts.  I think that the hard part with this is that now that things are calm again, it's hard to remember how bad it was, and easy to want to just forget it and pretend it won't happen again.

[ForeverDad]

I think that the hard part with this is that now that things are calm again, it's hard to remember how bad it was, and easy to want to just forget it and pretend it won't happen again.

Until it happens again.  And you know it will happen again.

It is a coping mechanism most people have.  The past fades.  That's normal, the body compensates.  Yet this is a pattern that propagates itself endlessly.  One comparison is to a roller coaster ride, exhilarating ups and scary downs.  At some point you get motion sick and it's time to get off.  So you do exit, but on every visit to the amusement park you get on the ride again.  Guess what?  Over time the up times aren't so great any more (not as exhilarating) and all you're left with is the sickening part.  So you stop seeking that ride out.  Why are you still riding?

Maybe I haven't explained it well?

[livednlearned]

Thanks to you both.  I've only touched on the subject of separation briefly with my therapist.  They don't say a whole lot, I mostly spill my guts.  I think that the hard part with this is that now that things are calm again, it's hard to remember how bad it was, and easy to want to just forget it and pretend it won't happen again.

Separation is a process. I think there's an article on the site about the four stages of relationship breakdown. You might be between stages, and you might go back and forth for a while.

There are probably a lot of habits in place and grooves in your thinking that developed over a long time. Changing them will take time.

Getting prepared to go or end a relationship is also about learning to manage your own responses to change and building strength.

Dealing with someone who threatens suicide is tough. I had a uBPD brother who was suicidal when we were teens. He told me not to tell anyone so I carried this burden around and felt responsible for what became a horrible secret.

When I was an adult I learned he had told my parents and they were aware, but he never told me that, and they didn't either.

I don't doubt he felt horrible enough to end his life and I can also see how he used it to control people, me in particular. Both can be true.

It's too complex to carry that burden alone. Talk to people who are trained in responding to SI so you have a better idea what the recommended way is to talk to her when she's in that headspace.

When my uBPD stepdaughter began to express suicidal ideation to family members, my therapist advised us to say something along the lines of, "I take this seriously. You must be in extraordinary pain and I'm worried that I'm not skilled in doing or saying the right thing -- here's this hotline number/chat line. I'll be right here while you call."

uBPD SD26's older sister used that response the most and it kind of wound down the frequency. I don't think SD26 wanted the accountability of talking to a professional and going through that charade, what she wanted was SD29's attention in that moment.

SD26 is still considered chronically suicidal but she is less likely to say she's suicidal. She doesn't like taking accountability for her actions and I think she's realizing that people will expect her to do something to help herself in those moments.

There is some research, at least according to my T (who I saw years ago, so this could be dated), that says if suicidal threats are used to control someone, and it works a little bit, then that person may think even more threatening behavior will work even better. Meaning, we want to give them the attention they're seeking without giving them the control they wants (over us), if that makes sense. Otherwise if a little work, more will work even better, and they could do something that is accidentally fatal.

It's best to call a hotline or talk to your T to make sure you're following recommended guidelines. My point is that there's a whole body of research out there and experts skilled at supporting people in your exact position, and they may be able to guide you skillfully through these episodes to keep you both safe.

[outhere]

@ForeverDad: I think that I'm still riding the rollercoaster for a variety of reasons that are hard to write down.  I care about her.  I care about people.  I consider it the ethical thing to do to stand with people who are struggling.  I dislike change.  I fear what my family will think about me being divorced.  I fear starting over.  I fear being alone.  That's a good question, at first I was offended and felt like you were saying "obviously you should leave her, stupid, get on with it" but I think I understand now.

@livednlearned: Thanks for your words they resonate for sure.  I've called the suicide hotline for her and been told to take care of myself.  She refuses to call herself (considers it illogical, we're starting to realize she may also be autistic).  Gotta run, but really, thank you!