Self Harm Scars

[Flora and Fauna]

My 19 year old daughter has self-harm scars. She likes to cover them with tattoos, after a time. I'm not crazy about tattoos, but I do believe that she has body-autonomy, and I'm trying to honor that fact. She has also admitted that getting a tattoo sometimes helps her from self-harming. Sheesh. What a cycle she's in.

She has gone sometimes up to a year or more self-harm free, but she stumbles... and her first year of college was really really rough.

She's gone through DBT more than once, is on meds (usually good about taking them, but at times slacks off) and has a wonderful therapist. She's at a college she loves, and she's in some ways made some significant strides, but self-harm for her is truly an addiction. I hope she eventually "grows out of it."

Meanwhile, I've always wondered what I would say, if someone saw her self-harm scars. She's not necessarily ashamed of them, and I respect that. We don't do as many things together as a family like I'd like...but we're invited to a cookout in the summer with friends we all like...and her tattoos and self-harm marks will likely be on display.  She's been through a lot...and while I'm biased, I still think she's beautiful.

Yet as her mom, I try to envision what I'd say, if someone outright asked me. I go back and forth with it. It's such a heavy subject.  It's "easy" to say that she struggles with depression (and not mention BPD, unless it's someone I'm relatively close to). But self-harm...that's different, and frankly, it's outside of the realm that most people understand, when it comes to mental health. While I'm  learning that I don't owe anything by way of explanation, I do mull over ideas of just what to say, if asked. I'm somewhere between, "I'm not comfortable discussing my daughter's body," and saying, "it's a private matter that I do not discuss."

Have you dealt with this before? If so, I welcome your thoughts.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Flora and Fauna
It is a difficult situation, but I think if YOU are relaxed about it then it can be okay. Instead of a 'closing the door' statement what do you think of something like:

Oh yes dd has had some emotional struggles but she is going really well - I am really proud of her. She is well supported and loving the college she is at.'

I suppose I deal with this sort of thing with a quick statement that acknowledges an issue  - in this case 'emotional struggles' is at the core and therefore true  - and quickly shift to the positive (and you have lots of positive statements in your post.

This way works for me. It shuts the door in a different way, ie with a focus on the positive.

[HappyChappy]

Hi F&F

I have a relative that use to self halm and she hates having to explain, so I understand the tattoos . She found exercise helps,  she's good at power sports and that helps her self esteem. Martial arts also gives her a sense of control (she was bullied at school). Still has BPD traits and depression but finds Art and walks in the country help.  Hope that helps. 

[Flora and Fauna]

Hi F&F

I have a relative that use to self harm and she hates having to explain, so I understand the tattoos . She found exercise helps,  she's good at power sports and that helps her self esteem. Martial arts also gives her a sense of control (she was bullied at school). Still has BPD traits and depression but finds Art and walks in the country help.  Hope that helps. 

Thank you for responding. My hope is that this "urge" burns itself out, yet I see and respect that for now, it is an entrenched addiction to mental pain. I do believe as time goes by, she'll be able to go longer stretches without harming (she has had some "clean" periods lasting a year) and eventually this urge could possibly extinguish itself. As a mom, it's hard to see what our children (young or young adult) have done to themselves by way of this insidious disorder.

[Flora and Fauna]

Hi Flora and Fauna
It is a difficult situation, but I think if YOU are relaxed about it then it can be okay. Instead of a 'closing the door' statement what do you think of something like:

Oh yes dd has had some emotional struggles but she is going really well - I am really proud of her. She is well supported and loving the college she is at.'

I suppose I deal with this sort of thing with a quick statement that acknowledges an issue  - in this case 'emotional struggles' is at the core and therefore true  - and quickly shift to the positive (and you have lots of positive statements in your post.


This way works for me. It shuts the door in a different way, ie with a focus on the positive.

Thank you Sancho. I do see that one thing I can control, is the way I respond.  It's such a jarring, shocking thing to think of a person harming themselves, out of emotional pain. While I've had the benefit of learning about it and "understanding it" per se, it's tough knowing that there's not a whole lot I can do to soften the blow...if a person figures out that my daughter has done this to herself.

[kells76]

Hi Flora and Fauna;

Both your idea of saying "I don't discuss my daughter's body" and Sancho's idea of saying "While she has struggled in the past, she's doing so well now" make a lot of sense to me. Maybe you could have both phrases at the ready, and you could pick from them depending on who might ask and how that person asks.

I'll comment on your thought here:

While I've had the benefit of learning about it and "understanding it" per se, it's tough knowing that there's not a whole lot I can do to soften the blow...if a person figures out that my daughter has done this to herself.

It's possible that younger generations wouldn't be as shocked to see self-harm scars as older generations -- not that they think it's okay, but rather, it's perhaps been more an open topic of discussion or a topic that comes up in books/movies/entertainment. So maybe that information can also help you decide how to respond -- if it's a teens or young adults asking, they probably won't be very shaken by the concept, more accepting that "yes, I've heard of that, I have friends who did that, it makes sense to me".

It's caring of you to figure out how you want to navigate those questions ahead of time.