Need some advice on productive thinking strategies.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I've been having fears of not making it through this. I know I made a big mistake putting high ideals on the situation right off the bat, and learning how to stick up for myself too fast. This was a good thing in some ways, as it allowed me to put my foot down initially in the most dispassionate way I could, and allowed me to learn how to defend myself, but the cost has been very high, as I've had multiple spiritual experiences, although most of them have stopped, but the most recent concerning experience is that I randomly hear frogs, because the other night, I was screwed with by both my neighbor and Dad, especially my Dad, and I felt so overwhelmed by certain sounds, and kind of felt helpless.

But first I had a train that sounded overwhelming as hell, and then later at night, I felt trapped when I was trying to get peace from my neighbor and Dad outside and my Dad came back there to smoke, and I just sat down, feeling defeated and scared, and the frogs felt jarring. Ever since then, I sometimes disassociate and hear the frogs, but to be honest, I am not making a huge deal out of it, as I have had stuff like this happen in the past, and I recovered from them, and I was much worse off then. But I do take it quite seriously, and have become a hard ass with my Dad, I even woke him up to put my foot down and put my foot down again today. I don't like doing that, but if he's screwing with me this bad, I don't feel bad about it. Just trying not to sabotage myself, argh.

But most importantly, I reached out to the doctor and mental health office, to try to get meds, and have drastically moderated my expectations of myself, so I can stay on a routine, even if it's sloppy, and am reaching out in a more vulnerable way on here, and with other resources. I have many skills, but it was hubris to try to do so much on my own, and to neglect myself, to try to be perfect initially. I suppose I wanted to assume better of my Dad more than anything, but it's becoming obvious that his sense of duty and ethics are quite low.

Anyways, back to me, I feel so lonely and scared a lot, when I get vulnerable or tired. I'm gonna sleep extra today because honestly I need it. But onto the productive thinking strategies here:

I noticed I became so scared of being gaslit and manipulated, that I would jump to conclusions, maybe logical ones, but I'd not wait for the big picture and just act and think rashly. It was kind of close to magical thinking, or at least black and white thinking, but I'm not doing that anymore, as I think the delusion caused some of these spiritual experiences.

Another thing is when I talk in my head to my Dad, I rehearse what I'm going to say to him, to call him out or stick up for myself, and I go through hypotheticals, probably a bit too much, so I know how to defend myself to him. And for a while, I was getting lost in suspicion and hypotheticals about a lot of things, mostly about traumas, which is somewhat productive, but it's kind of not after a certain point. I guess I'm just wondering how useful it is to try to justify yourself to someone, when you rehearsing things, to defend yourself? I think in the past, I'd do it a bit, but I feel like I have to constantly justify myself to him, to get through to him, and to hold him accountable, and it's exhausting.

Another thing that happened is that I had some disordered thinking, which I didn't pay attention to, to be honest. Now, I've had that happen before when I was being abused a long time ago. I think it's because my Dad kept doing the bait and switch tactic, in order to confuse me, so it felt like a no win situation. That has subsided, the main thing is the frogs. But I am processing that day and experience, through journaling and walking and I'm hoping it will help resolve it.

It's crappy, I am going outside more again, as I took a break from it, which I think sabotaged me. I feel low on strength, and am not rushing things, but I feel less inclined to take big steps like kick my Dad out, and upheave my whole life, and other such things, as I am exhausted, and it could sabotage me further to do that.

All in all, it sucks, it's hard, there's wins, there's losses, I am learning, but god this is hard, I can't believe how hard to navigate this is. And it's lonely, and scary and so I am reaching out, I know I can't do this alone, I tried, and it was foolish, I need help.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I've been having fears of not making it through this. I know I made a big mistake putting high ideals on the situation right off the bat, and learning how to stick up for myself too fast. This was a good thing in some ways, as it allowed me to put my foot down initially in the most dispassionate way I could, and allowed me to learn how to defend myself, but the cost has been very high, as I've had multiple spiritual experiences, although most of them have stopped, but the most recent concerning experience is that I randomly hear frogs, because the other night, I was screwed with by both my neighbor and Dad, especially my Dad, and I felt so overwhelmed by certain sounds, and kind of felt helpless.

But first I had a train that sounded overwhelming as hell, and then later at night, I felt trapped when I was trying to get peace from my neighbor and Dad outside and my Dad came back there to smoke, and I just sat down, feeling defeated and scared, and the frogs felt jarring. Ever since then, I sometimes disassociate and hear the frogs, but to be honest, I am not making a huge deal out of it, as I have had stuff like this happen in the past, and I recovered from them, and I was much worse off then. But I do take it quite seriously, and have become a hard ass with my Dad, I even woke him up to put my foot down and put my foot down again today. I don't like doing that, but if he's screwing with me this bad, I don't feel bad about it. Just trying not to sabotage myself, argh.

But most importantly, I reached out to the doctor and mental health office, to try to get meds, and have drastically moderated my expectations of myself, so I can stay on a routine, even if it's sloppy, and am reaching out in a more vulnerable way on here, and with other resources. I have many skills, but it was hubris to try to do so much on my own, and to neglect myself, to try to be perfect initially. I suppose I wanted to assume better of my Dad more than anything, but it's becoming obvious that his sense of duty and ethics are quite low.

Anyways, back to me, I feel so lonely and scared a lot, when I get vulnerable or tired. I'm gonna sleep extra today because honestly I need it. But onto the productive thinking strategies here:

I noticed I became so scared of being gaslit and manipulated, that I would jump to conclusions, maybe logical ones, but I'd not wait for the big picture and just act and think rashly. It was kind of close to magical thinking, or at least black and white thinking, but I'm not doing that anymore, as I think the delusion caused some of these spiritual experiences.

Another thing is when I talk in my head to my Dad, I rehearse what I'm going to say to him, to call him out or stick up for myself, and I go through hypotheticals, probably a bit too much, so I know how to defend myself to him. And for a while, I was getting lost in suspicion and hypotheticals about a lot of things, mostly about traumas, which is somewhat productive, but it's kind of not after a certain point. I guess I'm just wondering how useful it is to try to justify yourself to someone, when you rehearsing things, to defend yourself? I think in the past, I'd do it a bit, but I feel like I have to constantly justify myself to him, to get through to him, and to hold him accountable, and it's exhausting.

Another thing that happened is that I had some disordered thinking, which I didn't pay attention to, to be honest. Now, I've had that happen before when I was being abused a long time ago. I think it's because my Dad kept doing the bait and switch tactic, in order to confuse me, so it felt like a no win situation. That has subsided, the main thing is the frogs. But I am processing that day and experience, through journaling and walking and I'm hoping it will help resolve it.

It's crappy, I am going outside more again, as I took a break from it, which I think sabotaged me. I feel low on strength, and am not rushing things, but I feel less inclined to take big steps like kick my Dad out, and upheave my whole life, and other such things, as I am exhausted, and it could sabotage me further to do that.

All in all, it sucks, it's hard, there's wins, there's losses, I am learning, but god this is hard, I can't believe how hard to navigate this is. And it's lonely, and scary and so I am reaching out, I know I can't do this alone, I tried, and it was foolish, I need help.