Ubdp/npd sister threatening to punish kids by withholding visitation

[I Am Redeemed]

For those who don’t know my backstory, I lost custody of 5 of my kids during my abusive relationship with xubpdh. Guardianship was given to my ubpd/unpd sister, who also raised me.

I had one more child after I lost custody of the others, and CPS never took him from me.

After a decade of fighting for my kids, I now have custody of D15, D14, and S7 (the youngest one that has always been with me). S11, S10, and D9 are court ordered to visit three weekends a month, and my BIL just asked if I wanted all the kids for spring break (yes, and I took them), then asked if I wanted to get the kids every weekend (yes, and I started yesterday with that).

On May 30, after school ends, it is court ordered that S11, S10, and D9 will move back in with me at which time custody will be restored.

S11 is the scapegoat now that D15 and D14 are back home with me and have gone NC. He reported that my sister is threatening to withhold visitation as punishment for him.

If that happens, I am assuming I should bring the court order with me when I come to pick him up and call the police if she refuses to let him come.

Does that sound correct? Or is there a better course of action?

[GaGrl]

The court order is the first place I'd go, for sure. Take it with you with the applicable section highlighted.

Your sister should know by now that you have court backing.

[ForeverDad]

Many here have "been there, done that."  I soon learned to always have my court order with me.  Or was it two copies?  One with me in my carryall and one in the car.  I learned after the first couple, "Oh No I forgot it!" episodes.

My police pleaded with me to give in to my ex one day and I refused to hand over my son.  She had a little leverage because it really was her time, but she had refused to pick him up from my daycare she didn't like and I was fed up.  I knew she'd be sure to pick him up the following day after school.  All the policeman was interested in was to resolve the conflict that day in his presence.  As he left he said, "Fix this in court."

It doesn't matter that you got the kids additional time previously.  She may claim it was a "trade" and this is compensatory time but there will be no documentation of a trade.  Your parenting time is your parenting time.  However, be aware going forward she may cut back on asking you to take the kids as much.

You may decide to record, but if so then do it on the down low so you don't trigger an angry incident.  (I'm assuming that other stressful times you've recorded "to protect yourself and if your recording caught the other behaving poorly, oops, so be it.")

If the police do get called then ask the officers' names and get an incident report, perhaps obtained later.  Once when I went to the police and asked for a "report" all they had was a sheet listing my address and a check mark in the resolved column.  That wasn't much help.

Why is this happening now?  She knows her time is ending and she's quite unhappy about that.  But the reality is that her punishments, whether valid or not, don't extend into your parenting time.

[I Am Redeemed]

I have a court order stating that I get three weekends a month and I saved the texts from my BIL asking if I wanted them for spring break as well as every weekend.

Sister has had no contact with me since September. No texts, no conversations. She won’t come out of the house when I pick up the kids.

She’s doing this because she lost and can’t stand being “one down”, so she’s going to try to still control whatever scraps she has left.

She has a history of violating court orders, which is what got me custody of my youngest three restored without a 90 day home trial.

[kells76]

In addition to a copy of the court order, what about bringing another adult with you for pickup? That person could be a third party witness to whatever goes on.

[I Am Redeemed]

In addition to a copy of the court order, what about bringing another adult with you for pickup? That person could be a third party witness to whatever goes on.

I may call someone from church to do that if it it happens. At this point, it’s just threats she’s made to S11 which he has reported to me.

S11 got suspended from school for five days (two before spring break and three after spring break) and he told me “Aunt wants to know if I can stay with you for the three days after spring break while I’m still suspended “ and begged me to let him stay (which of course I did). I texted BIL and asked him if it was ok and he said it was perfectly fine with them.

I think her threats are a scare tactic and another way of emotionally abusing S11. I just want to be prepared in case she follows through,

[kells76]

I may call someone from church to do that if it it happens. At this point, it’s just threats she’s made to S11 which he has reported to me.

S11 got suspended from school for five days (two before spring break and three after spring break) and he told me “Aunt wants to know if I can stay with you for the three days after spring break while I’m still suspended “ and begged me to let him stay (which of course I did). I texted BIL and asked him if it was ok and he said it was perfectly fine with them.

I think her threats are a scare tactic and another way of emotionally abusing S11. I just want to be prepared in case she follows through,

That seems to be the dichotomy of BPD talk -- that we have to plan as if they're going to do what they say, while also knowing that most of the time, it's "just" talk. It's frustrating because then it's 2x the work for the "non" -- OK, so if she really means it, then I have to be prepared with XYZ, but also, I kind of have to move forward as if she's not really going to do it, because if I start acting like she's going to do it, then she might do it when otherwise she wouldn't have.

We then have to inhabit that weird "both at the same time" space where you're going to pick up the kids like nothing is wrong, while bringing a recorder, a copy of the CO, and a witness with you.

[I Am Redeemed]

It’s more likely that she wants him gone as much as possible, since they offered the option for spring break and the extra weekend.

S11 cried so hard last time I had to take him back there. He’s really miserable and he is trying to step up as the protective older brother now that D15 with me. That was always her role, and it took its toll on her, as it is now on him. I hate that he feels that he is responsible for them in that way, as he says it’s his job as the oldest brother and he is trying to follow D15’s example.

I have encouraged him that we’re going to get through this. He has every weekend with me and only two months until he’s home for good. I’ve asked some church friends (the family minister and my friend who is a trauma therapist) to talk to him Wednesday night at church, because Sister and BIL will be in their adult classes, and to let him know that there are other adults besides me who know what is going on and that they are there to support him in this. He only talks to me on his visits about what he’s experiencing, so having other caring adults to help him during the week will be at least another outlet for him to get support.