Stuff that I am going through, input welcome.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I don't want to get into it, because I think focusing on it isn't productive, but throughout the last 3-6 months I've had a few spiritual experiences, which I think were due to severe stress, gaslighting and abuse, but I've toned things down, and validated a lot, and journaled, and I think I can keep those in check. Also had trouble detaching from the mind, which I normally do, but I worked on that yesterday, and it seems better. Those are accessory things, that I am letting go, unless I need to resolve them in the future, because I think focusing on them just focuses anxiety. Self care being a top priority drastically improves my mental health, so I am trying to prioritize that, and my pets first, as caring for them, spending time with them, and giving them love all makes me happier.

My Dad has been screwing with me still, violated my boundaries when I told him I needed space to be vulnerable, and then used us needing a new fridge to degrade me, by interrupting all the hard work I put into the project, by interrupting me, and bringing up a trivial concern, as if that was more important than the 10+ serious concerns we had about it. Also hit the fence with the car, but I can't prove it was on purpose, but I am expecting him to fix it.

I pretty much put my foot down and said, I am close to kicking him out, that him violating my space on my personal day was a big deal to me, that I don't trust him, and all sorts of stuff, because he's a covert narcissist, he can always fall back on plausible deniability, but it's obvious that a lot of this is intentional. It's frustrating not knowing which ailments he complains about are real or guilt trips, which accidents that happen are intentional or accidents. He still plays dumb.

I really got fed up and called him out on his Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and told him that he doesn't love me like any decent father would, and doesn't value my well being and success, and I explained how he has disregarded my emotions, health, and success, and sabotaged, etc. I told him, if he's not going to give me respect back, I'm not going to waste my time respecting him, because all this consideration I am giving him is wearing me out, while I get screwed, it's why I really dug into him this time.

He fed me some BS about how he doesn't care about much, because of his depression, which may be somewhat true, but he's still evading fessing up to the things he does, but I do think he looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's really hard to remind myself to believe his actions, not his words, because his words sound so promising, and honestly, I want some relief from the situation, but the gaslighting screws me more than anything.

Internally, I am kind of going over my life a bit, and seeing a lot of big life events, with young adults and kids (when I was a kid), that really traumatized me, and were with Narcissists. 2 out of the 3, were huge swaths of kids chasing after me, hating me, and at one school, even the teachers participated, because I got attacked for accidently pushing a little girl off of a swing, but now I believe that I may have been guilt tripped and gaslit into believing it was me. Even if it was, it was an accident, and I was completely ostracized, by teachers, chased and bullied by kids, and both of my parents were ashamed and didn't do much to defend me. This is something I had already processed, but with this new insight about all these manipulations, I now believe it might have been that.

But, I am tired of going over my life and focusing on this stuff, to be honest, on an emotional level, I am grieving/coming to terms with family and friend relationships, that seem quite screwed up, because of all the abuse. There's a lot of them, because it was my normal, and I grew up with dysfunction. The most upsetting to me though, is when my friend killed himself, his own mother narcissistically abused me (and surely her own son too), my friend, who lived with him, did the same to him, until suicide.

Anyways, I had like 5-6 people take advantage of the situations and trivialize, and gaslight the heartfelt poems about his suicide, that I put countless hours of work into, try to suck me dry at my worst moments, abandon me, when I needed a little help. Seeing how much my long time friend, and my friends mother screwed with me hard, by some despicable behavior, during his memorial, by abusing me, and degrading/trivializing his memory, are some of the most upsetting stuff I've been through.

It's all a mind warp, but I do know how to journal, self care, cope, quite well, it's why I've healed from a lot of suffering, already in my life, but this time it just feels so confusing. Anyways, that's all for now, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it, and respond.