Struggling to move on

[Angie R.]

I recently ended a romantic relationship with a BPD partner.
At first it started exciting, but very soon he became controling, jealous, lashing out for no apparent reason, emotionaly and verbally abusing me, manipulating me, telling lies. The things he would say to me and the names he called me were monstrous.
When i would tell him that his behaviour breakes my heart, he would be totally insensitive and tell me "you brought this to yourself". In his first outburst i was completly shocked for many days... i was in a literal shock. I was confused, didn't understand what had happened, i didn't know what transformed my partner in to different person.. uncaring and full of hate for me all of a sudden. I didn't know he had BPD at the time... We broke up and I spent 20 days wondering what just happened.
We got together for a final time, and i knew that this relationship wouldn't work but I was hooked... as if it was a drug... I was unable to get out of that relationship, I was unable to stay away from him. I wanted to feel all the good feelings we shared, the safety and warmth I was feeling in the good days. 
I wasn't allowed to meet male friends, or wear clothes he didn't aprove and the list would grow bigger and bigger over time... He would be extremely arrogant and narcissistic with strangers and I would feel embarrassed.
In his final outburst, I broke up with him for the last time... this relationship was affecting my life, my job, I would turn to alcohol. I felt I was out of control. My emotions were out of control. I was totally destabilized... At first I thought we would get back together again. I loved him. After talking to him after the break up I saw genuine hate towards me... all the terrible things he told me once more... I stoped communicating with him. The first weeks all I was thinking was getting back together. Being apart felt unbearable.
As the days passed I started to understand what was really happening. I started to read a lot about BPD, trauma bonding, emotional abuse, healing from emotional trauma... I started to feel really scared for being in that situation... After that I felt really angry... After that I felt resentment. I am also really afraid for STD's. I know he has been with a lot of partners and I suspect he had unprotected sex.
Since then I m struggling with overwhelming emotions. I am really struggling... I have problems in my work I nearly quit my job, I am angry, I am drinking a lot of alcohol daily.  It is impossible for me not to. I am struggling with everyday life and routines.  I can't sleep or eat properly. I feel totally scared, i feel life has no meaning, i am having the worst case scenarios about my life. I feel so alone. I am having psychotherapy for 3 years now, treating chronic depression. It is helping me, but i feel it is not enough. I am afraid that these intense feelings will never go away. I am afraid that i will go down in a deep depression or ruin my life, as it feels like i don't have control right now. I tell myself that this is a part of healing, but i feel such a big desperation. I tell myself to keep on going, one day after the other. but then i feel so tired. And i don't know when these emotions are going to end.   
Every time i think i'm getting better, it turns out that another phase is starting.
I know that the feelings will fade way over time. I know that i will process all these, and one day things will not be so scary any more. I know that there is more power in us than what we believe there is.
I hope someone who has had a similar experience would tell me some things about his/her experience on recovering.
Thank you for reading.