My Story

[prettyweary]

I wanted to share my story to get your perspectives. I'm not 100% sure whether it is BPD, but it felt too similar to other stories I've read.

Together for 9 years, fell apart in one month. Should have picked up on the evident red flags from the outset. Quick to say 'I love you' and introduce me to parents. Never had a hobby. They also lost their mum at an early age and their father more or less abandoned her. He couldn't handle the loss and stayed at his parent's house, leaving her at her other grandparents. Her dad then travelled for work and later re-married. She never had a nice thing to say about the step-mum, until more recently.

The first year, I lost my sense of self. I had a lot of free time since I was applying for PhD positions. Therefore, majority of the time was within their company. They would ring to say a roommate had argued with them. I would drive to pick them up. They more or less moved in with me at my parents house after this. I spent hours helping them with university work. My own hobbies and friendships became sidelined. Once they graduated, they were successful in obtaining a well-paying job. I felt it was only to compete with their siblings and impress their dad. And I was right, it did become a bragging point for the dad at any event.

By the start of the new job, she became a permanent resident at my parent's house. At this point, she be-friended my sister, almost copying her in style and look. Down the line, she completely flipped her opinion of my sister. Any message in the family chat from my sister would result in weeks of silent treatment. Again, something I was completely oblivious too until now.

Her first pay-cheque came and went. You can excuse this on the first instance. However, they never saved and remained within an overdraft for 3 years. This had repercussions for future travel, bills, and leases. After a few months, we moved into our first rental property. At this point I was successful in obtaining a PhD position and worked from home. I became responsible for cooking, cleaning, and any household jobs whilst they worked. I was fine with this role, but it defined me for the duration of our relationship.

Over this time living together, there were a few odd moments. One, they became paranoid that I had another woman. They would not stop crying. I couldn't do anything to calm them. It took my parents talking it through to get over it. Two, they became paranoid that everyone was laughing at them. Irrespective of what I said, I could not convince them that these people were not laughing at them.

After 4 years, we got married. The day after I proposed, the planning began. To this day, I still feel like a guest at the wedding. In hindsight, everything about that day revolved around them.

We moved abroad for 4 years for me to take a research position. During this time, I ensured I paid for a certain lifestyle and covered majority of the bills. I also saved as I had promised we'd always be able to return home at any point. She took a job that she hated and I always said if she was unhappy we had enough money for her to take time out. This wasn't necessary though as I found a PhD position for them, which was better paid. So, we ended up living a good life. The only problem was they could never save. They spent an inordinate amount of money on birthday presents and online orders. They never disclosed the real cost of these purchases. Instead, saying the gifts cost a lot less. At numerous points this resulted in me

The last year of our time away was hard for myself. I changed careers. Moving from an academic to professional setting did affect me quite a lot. The job was misleading. I ended up stressed and depressed. My thoughts became pretty dark. Always revolving around how I can get out of working. We had no other support networks in place. My wife's only support was 'call your parents' and 'go to the doctors'. I wasn't allowed my own space during this time, she clung to me. As a result, I became irritated and withdrew, becoming less loving. She would always say it's her fault we couldn't go back home too. I never once blamed her. Nevertheless, I was putting a lot of further stress on myself. I need to save to get back home, maintain the lifestyle, and pay bills. I began to also apply for jobs back home, taking interviews late at night. I ended up being successful and the new job would pay enough to return home.

I started the new job from abroad. The problem was this meant starting and ending work later in the day due to timezones. Despite the challenge of this, we continued to go out for drinks and meals. During the month we were moving home, her sister came across for 2 weeks. My wife, at this time, had also stopped doing any university work. So whilst I worked, she did nothing. Her sister can be loud and obnoxious. Thus, whilst working at home, I was struggling. Everyone enjoyed themselves, but I had to work. However, I took them out for food and drinks, tidied up, and cooked. I was also expected to do a presentation, which created more stress. It was made worse as I caught covid too. With all this going on, me and my wife had a few arguments whilst her sister was there. Her sister later described me as an angry and aggressive person.

By the end of the year, we moved back over Christmas. I'd saved enough for flights, shipping our stuff back, and relocating our two cats. Over Christmas, I still had to work, but balanced this with seeing everyone in the family. I said I didn't want to travel around, but we did. I also stated we should adjust expectations as it may not be the idealistic reception she had in her head. It is important to note that I had not had a day off for several months at this point so I was worn out. We also were moving 3 hours away from everyone and we hadn't yet seen the apartment.

After a week or so we moved into the new apartment. Right off the bat, my wife began to purchase items from what remained of our move. I had yet to be paid so money was tight. Anyway, I ensured we had a credit card and paid for appliances to make it a home. Plus, with my wife working from home I ensured she had a desk to work from. With the continuing purchases, I did outright say stop using the savings like a current account. This did provoke an intense reaction from my wife. I still regret saying this, but I was worried. I always ensured that we went out for meals and drinks so we maintained our previous lifestyle.

After about a week, my wife's mood did a 180. She complained of a headache and remained in bed. She went out for walks around the park, ignoring my calls when I rang to check up on her. I paid for her and her sister to have lunch together. During this time, she just looked at me with such contempt. I didn't know what was going on. I asked her sister and was met with a barrage of accusations. In essence, I had stripped her away from friends and broken this once bubbly person. This broke me. I sat there crying in her sister's house. My wife, on seeing this, said it was a lie and had not said a thing. We went home and she remained silent for the whole journey. At home, she blew up on me saying she effing hated herself, felt empty, didn't want to exist. I didn't know what was going on. She wouldn't allow me to hold her hand or anything at this point. I told her to go shopping and use my card. She racked up a large shopping bill that I had to pay off. After this, she kept telling me I 'never' did this or that I 'always' do something. For example, I never hugged her. This led to me constantly trying to justify myself to defend these statements. I was also told that people move mountains for their partner and that X and Y look at each other in a certain way. I was also asked if I'd told my parents what I'd done to her (not sure what). We went shopping for her friend's child. In the shop she was zombie like. As a result, I picked up a gift. She was silent in the car, until she burst with 'you don't even like X'. When she got home, she burst into the bedroom and told me I had ruined her life and had a list of everything I've done wrong. I told her I need to go out for a bit and returned in 10 minutes. She was sat staring at the wall. I got her to lie on the sofa, put a film on, and cooked food. During this time I'd also paid for a doctor and therapist for her.

The next day she'd booked at train ticket to see her dad. She boarded the train and blocked me on every possible outlet. She also abandoned our cats (they're with me now). She ghosted me for almost 3 weeks. I had to take time off work. Her family completely cut me off too so I was at a complete loss. I've never felt so upset in my entire life. She texted me out the blue. It was not like her normal texts, it was cold and blunt. It told me if I want to face this meet me at X. I did. She told me she doesn't love me anymore and had a letter. The letter, filled with false accusations, blamed me for her mental health and the marriage failing. I was told I was not a good partner and that I had not supported her. I was also instructed to read this letter to my parents so they knew it was my fault. A week after, I lost my job so I was at rock bottom. Each day I thought I was a monster and could barely function.

Since then, I got a solicitor. On telling my wife this, she's called me naive and told me how disappointed she is in me because she will need to use the savings (my money) to get one. She also gave me ultimatums to drop the solicitor. She's still on the lease, but I've had to pay all the rent and bills. She won't allow me half my savings. She's demanding money out of my current account and my pension. She told my solicitor she got her own solicitor, but we believe this is a lie (we've not been contacted for over 3 weeks). She's now completely blocked me and ignoring my solicitor. I've gone NC myself, but I know her music taste has completely shifted -- she doesn't listen to anything we once listened to. She's also posting quote indirectly attacking me saying people shouldn't take advantage of those who only bring happiness. I'm jobless and trying to pay and get rid of our apartment. She's out mirroring her sister living a party lifestyle with our savings.

I'm in a better place than I was. I owe this to reading similar stories on here, therapy, the gym, and family. It's ridiculous, but I regret each day that I was stressed and wasn't the person to provide her validation. I understand this scenario was an inevitability, but I cannot move past the complete personality change. Friends from abroad have asked what's happened to my wife because she seems so different in pictures. She had also lost a lot of weight and restricted her calorie intake. I found some notes that she wrote in the last few weeks around. She'd told the therapist I was gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing her. This is the last thing I would ever do to someone and it hurts she would say this. All I wanted to do was support her and enjoy our life together... I've also found out she withheld messages my cousin tried to send me on Facebook whilst we were away for 4 years.