Struggling

[pipefitter]

Im having a really hard time dealing with the fact there's a good chance I will never hear from my now BPD ex fiancee again. its been almost 2 weeks NC from her end, and 2 days NC from me. Our last conversation ended with her saying "f**k you seriously I don't want anything to do with you I'm blocking your number". after me saying it was messed up she was keeping her kids from seeing me, even after we had previously talked about coparenting them together. I don't understand how I know I don't want this girl, I can't be with this girl, and yet I'm pining for a reach out from her. After all the mental emotional and financial abuse I still want to hear from her. I don't get how someone can go from literally throwing up at the thought of me leaving her, to telling me to "move on". No closure. No sorry our engagement didn't work out, have a nice life. but, I guess that's why it's called a personality disorder. ill never quite get it.

[kells76]

Hey pipefitter, good to hear back from you.

Im having a really hard time dealing with the fact there's a good chance I will never hear from my now BPD ex fiancee again. its been almost 2 weeks NC from her end, and 2 days NC from me. Our last conversation ended with her saying "f**k you seriously I don't want anything to do with you I'm blocking your number". after me saying it was messed up she was keeping her kids from seeing me, even after we had previously talked about coparenting them together. I don't understand how I know I don't want this girl, I can't be with this girl, and yet I'm pining for a reach out from her. After all the mental emotional and financial abuse I still want to hear from her. I don't get how someone can go from literally throwing up at the thought of me leaving her, to telling me to "move on". No closure. No sorry our engagement didn't work out, have a nice life. but, I guess that's why it's called a personality disorder. ill never quite get it.

The bold part of your post really stood out to me, and it seems like it's a common factor in breakups with a pwPD (person with a personality disorder) more so than in "normal" breakups.

It reminded me of part of the article we have in our Tips toolbar up top about Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality:

In the most troubled of relationships, it is not unusual for a “BPD” partner to abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that you cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive and leave you to feel confused and broken-hearted. Or you may have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools and now feel the relationship has continued to erode and you have no more to give. So they leave you - or you break up – or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again. If any of this sounds like your relationship, please read on.

Disengaging from this type of intense relationship can be difficult. Rationally, you most likely understand that leaving is the healthiest thing you can do now, yet your emotional attachment is undeniable. You find yourself hopelessly trapped by your own desires to rekindle a relationship that you know isn't healthy, and in fact, may not even be available to you.

Often we obsess and ruminate over what our “BPD” partner might be doing or feeling, or who they might be seeing. We wonder if they ever really loved us and how we could have been so easily discarded. Our emotions range from hurt, to disbelief, to anger.

Give it a look -- I'd be curious if it resonates with you.

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I also think you're right that her "don't leave me/I hate you" behavior is the disorder in full view. It doesn't make rational sense for her to act that way... because she has a severe emotional disorder. Whatever she feels in that moment, she sees as a permanent fact about the world... until she has a new feeling. Hard stuff.

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How are things going today? Do you have a day job outside the house -- something where you can get away and focus on work, for example?

[pipefitter]

It absolutely hit Kells. The night I moved out, I was technically the one that ended it. She gave me an ultimatum of either we go to couples counseling, or she’s done. I told her no, because of the manipulative behavior she has shown.I believed then, and I do now, that it would have been a bash me session full of distortions of how conflict would go in our relationship. I chose to leave that night. I knew it wouldn’t get better. Yet, after I begged her to take me back. We went through 2 months of push/pull to get to this point. Cognitive dissonance is a hell of drug. I know she’s unhealthy for me. I know I was afraid of her. I still am. But yet I crave one last contact. Craziness.

As for work, I’m actually a pipe fitter I work on commercial construction sites. Which is also weird that I’m in this position. It has been hard for me to admit to my friends and coworkers I was in the position I’m in. Being in my field, letting a girl abuse you in a bunch of different ways generally doesn’t play well. And before her, I never would have dreamed in a million years I would be here.

[SinisterComplex]

It absolutely hit Kells. The night I moved out, I was technically the one that ended it. She gave me an ultimatum of either we go to couples counseling, or she’s done. I told her no, because of the manipulative behavior she has shown.I believed then, and I do now, that it would have been a bash me session full of distortions of how conflict would go in our relationship. I chose to leave that night. I knew it wouldn’t get better. Yet, after I begged her to take me back. We went through 2 months of push/pull to get to this point. Cognitive dissonance is a hell of drug. I know she’s unhealthy for me. I know I was afraid of her. I still am. But yet I crave one last contact. Craziness.

As for work, I’m actually a pipe fitter I work on commercial construction sites. Which is also weird that I’m in this position. It has been hard for me to admit to my friends and coworkers I was in the position I’m in. Being in my field, letting a girl abuse you in a bunch of different ways generally doesn’t play well. And before her, I never would have dreamed in a million years I would be here.

Actually I'll commend you on telling her no to couples counseling. That is a common copout theme it seems and you are always the bad guy and some how and some way it is your fault for the struggles of the relationship. Ha. Of course right? My friend it is par for the course. You were on the roller coaster and now that roller coaster pulled into its final station and you jumped off.

Now, you just have to worry about taking care of YOU. BTW...Hi and Welcome to the Fam 

You will find a lot of support here between the phenomenal community and our Team here. Share as much as you want to and ask as many questions as you need to.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[pipefitter]

Thanks SC! I had enough of the gaslighting, the manipulation and the crazy making. I mean for gods sake we would get into an argument, both of us were equal participants. Going back and forth yelling. Each one saying something to hurt the other. Until she would say something that really made me lose it. Usually something involving the kids. Then, she would be calm and silent, and record me. I mean, that’s manipulation, right? It’s narrative crafting. I called her on it one time, and she completely lost her mind sobbing that I told her she was manipulative. I even sugar coated it as best I could. I just didn’t see it any other way. I had enough that night. I couldn’t take more gaslighting and manipulation, and not with a therapist involved telling me I’m wrong, just like her parents did.

[NarcsEverywhere]

It's hard to wrap your head around these things, having your thoughts not line up with your feelings when you suffer a loss is normal. And in these situations, there is so much smoke and mirrors, and confusion, that it's especially normal. Sorry you got screwed by her. It sounds like you were very invested in this life, and it was all taken away from you. I can relate in a lot of ways, been feeling confused myself, and like my life has been taken away from me, by all the lies and duplicity.

[pipefitter]

Thank you for the support narc. The hardest part for me is trying to make sense of it all. I keep reminding myself that she is disordered, it will never make sense to me. I have begun to shift my focus to what I can control. I have let her destroy so much already, it's time I take my power back. today I'm feeling better. I have a whatever happens, happens mind set. I have to continue to make the next right decisions to get myself back to where I want to be. you're right, I bought into a life with her to the fullest. To be honest, that was a big thing for me. I don't take commitments like that lightly. But I learned a lot about myself throughout this relationship, and Im learning so much about myself now. it's been a long road, and I'm sure I will still have some hard days ahead. I have bounced back from worse before, I will not let this situation be any different.

[NarcsEverywhere]

That's a good attitude to have pipelifter, I also try to focus on owning my own power, and focusing on myself. On hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and taking life as it comes sometimes, especially when it's hard. I do think we can heal, it takes a lot of time. I don't take commitments too lightly either. I can relate a lot to what you have to say.

[pipefitter]

One day at a time. I know the next couple of days will be hard. Tomorrow is my birthday, and Monday is her sons. I’m doing my best to accept what is right now, I remind myself that she’s sick. She doesn’t understand all of what she’s doing. It’s not personal. This website has REALLY helped me with depersonalizing the meanest parts of her.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Today is my birthday, trying to enjoy it, but have mixed feelings, it's okay if your birthday doesn't go as planned, feel how you feel, but hope you enjoy it! Yeah, it does sound rough with her sons. I've never been in a father role myself, but it sounds like a lot of responsibility, and pressure. I know with my pets, it's easy for things to weigh heavily on me, as they are generally more innocent, and it's hard to fault them. I'm sorry you feel like that was taken from you man.

Like, I have had a tendency to actually depersonalize too much. Relationships are personal, the reason people do things isn't. But the pain and hurt and love we feel for those close to us, it's personal, because we've invested in them and cared for them, and put blood sweat and tears into them.

Edit: Just so you know, I don't mind talking to you on my birthday, might not have a lot of time for you, but it's been nice hearing from someone going through similar stuff. Birthdays close, sense of confusion and loss. Yes, it sucks and all, but it's nice to not feel so alone in it, you know?

[pipefitter]

Update: I have only struggling more as today has gone on. My anxiety is a solid 8/10. My brain keeps trying to trick me into texting her. I believe it is just the trauma bond. I understand that for right now the best thing for me is to not attempt contact again. And to believe that if she wanted to talk to me that she would.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I hear you, it's hard to give up relationships. I remember with my BPDexGF, and even with my friends mom, I'd check my e-mail or facebook obsessively throughout the day. I'd restrain myself more and more. Seperation anxiety is hard. You can live without her, even though it's so hard/painful not to. Hope you feel better. Often when I get like that, I try to distract myself with other things, but also be understanding with myself, that I am struggling with it, and that's okay, these things take time.

[pipefitter]

Update #2: im mildly proud of myself. I had an overwhelming urge to text her. I managed to talk myself OUT of doing it. I’m done being a door mat

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, it's not worth it to be a doormat, to get some screwed up version of love. Good job, fighting those strong urges can be tough.