anxiety

[Rokevet]

Hello
I am new to this forum.  my daughter in law seems to have many of the symptoms of BPD.  i have been walking on eggshells around her since their marriage 4 years ago.  i have been "ghosted" by her for the past 9 months.  i now know that it is her, not me... She has been emotionally and verbally abusive to my son. He is now in counseling and is beginning to see that everything wrong with their marriage is not all his fault, and that he cannot make her find happiness. They have 2 small children who I worry about (they are not in day care, school, or hardly ever get out of the house). i know any suggestion by me is seen as a criticism.  The whole thing is so frustrating and anxiety provoking.  I worry about all of them. She has trust issues with my son, me and my husband (the in-laws) and fears being in society. She does not work, and has  up built up large credit card debt ( my son has been unable to limit her spending habits.  He has always been a good saver..)
they have so many issues,  but she insists that my son work on his issues before they can work on "their" or her issues.   
this is so hard. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Rokevet and welcome here. I am going through a rough patch myself at the moment and can sympathise with the awful anxiety that we feel in these situations. The anxiety almost feels like I am falling apart sometimes.

There are some hopeful signs in your post. First of all you are clear that you are not the problem. Secondly, your son is starting to be able to get a clear picture of what is happening, and that he, also, is not the problem.

It sounds as though your dil may have other conditions as well as bpd. The blaming etc is pretty characteristic of BPD (as is the reluctance to acknowledge any personal problem or behaviour). In my case, EVERYTHING is my fault. Sometimes I am staggered by what I am blamed for, but then I remember that this is BPD - and I think my dd has a developed a different reality because it is too painful to admit anything in relation to herself.

Do you think your dil may also have social phobia? Or any other phobia? In any case it is a complex situation.

I don't know enough about the details of your situation (eg whether you get to see your grandchildren regularly, see your son regularly etc) to offer much help. The only thing I would say is to take your time before making decisions. saying anything or taking any action. If you are like me, there a thousands of things that go through your mind as possible options to help change the situation.

But these will all be very logical things. The BPD person operates through intense emotion: fear of abandonment; anger and anxiety. It is a very complex mental illness when ordinary exchanges between people are interpreted in weird and different ways.

Reading the posts here has been a great help to me. I know I am not alone on this long journey. You are not alone. We know the challenges, distress and enormous anxiety that goes with being part of the bpd world.

Be kind to yourself so that you can be there as this situation unfolds.