Building a Healthy Life

[So Stressed]

I am relatively new to this site, and have mostly read others' posts and shared a few myself.  Was in such a state of confusion, fear, and upset when I found this site that I couldn't really concentrate enough to read more of the resources.  But, I am starting to settle in a little...even though I have been completely overwhelmed.

Tonight, I read the post that is pinned to the top of this thread, called Building a Healthy Life Around a Family with a BPD Mother or Father.

The following list is really relevant to me...I say "yes" to all. So comforting to know that I am not alone and that I am not the cause of all the problems, as my bpd Mother and possibly bpd sibling have said.

I think my relative may have Borderline Personality Disorder; now what?
 
Growing up, were you constantly walking on eggshells?
Did your parent force you to parent her at a young age?
Did your sibling try to invade your friendships, get you into trouble, and take up all of your parents' energy?
Did you get accused of being a bad, selfish person whenever you act in your own interest and not your relative's?
Did/do you hide strange or abusive behavior from your own spouse or children?
Did your family "gang up" on you?
Did you have a lot of problems on special occasions, with a relative who ruined weddings, graduations, and holidays with emotional fits?

There is so much drama in my family right now. I am feeling so depressed by it all.

[Notwendy]

Growing up, were you constantly walking on eggshells? - yes
Did your parent force you to parent her at a young age?- yes
Did your sibling try to invade your friendships, get you into trouble, and take up all of your parents' energy?- not really- thankfully. Golden child sibling was the favorite but didn't try to get me into trouble or bother with my friendships.
Did you get accused of being a bad, selfish person whenever you act in your own interest and not your relative's? - yes
Did/do you hide strange or abusive behavior from your own spouse or children?- I had boundaries with my BPD mother- she was not alone with my children.
Did your family "gang up" on you?- not "gang up" but not speak to me at one point.
Did you have a lot of problems on special occasions, with a relative who ruined weddings, graduations, and holidays with emotional fits? Yes, BPD mother would at almost all of them.

[Riv3rW0lf]

There is so much drama in my family right now. I am feeling so depressed by it all.

Hey So Stressed,

What do you do to destress? Any special activity you particularly enjoy that frees your mind? What do you do for self-care amidst this drama?

When my BPD mother would create drama, I would jump in, head first in it, and it didn't leave a lot of room for myself to breath. But it is crucial you keep breathing. The more drama there is, the more self-care needs to be prioritized.

I learned over time that I wasn't doing self-care, because I was taught taking care of myself was narcissism, and who wants to be a narcissist? But there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. And most people on here will need to develop it to have a healthy life balance. It does not come naturally to us, but it is crucial that we learn to put ourselves first.

It is only healthy when we can put others first by choice.

[So Stressed]

What do you do to destress? Any special activity you particularly enjoy that frees your mind? What do you do for self-care amidst this drama?

When my BPD mother would create drama, I would jump in, head first in it, and it didn't leave a lot of room for myself to breath. But it is crucial you keep breathing. The more drama there is, the more self-care needs to be prioritized.

I learned over time that I wasn't doing self-care, because I was taught taking care of myself was narcissism, and who wants to be a narcissist? But there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. And most people on here will need to develop it to have a healthy life balance. It does not come naturally to us, but it is crucial that we learn to put ourselves first.

It is only healthy when we can put others first by choice.

Thanks Riv3rW0lf.  I have recently realized that I have neglected myself now for several years and I find myself depleted and exhausted and with a worse relationship with family members than when I started caring for my mother.  It happened slowly...creeping up one day at a time, as I responded to mother's demands.  I now am depleted and have no family and I feel empty.

I am returning to my previous self care practices and hopefully, I will be able to creep back to who I was and become who I want to be again.  I guess I did it by choice, sort of.  I agreed to take care of her, but I had no idea what that was going to be like. Her BPD has escalated as she aged, and the drama is out of this world now. And, since she didn't respect my boundaries, I often just did what she wanted because it was easier than fighting to maintain my boundaries. Now, I have to apologize to myself and put myself back together. What an unfortunate learning experience.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I am returning to my previous self care practices and hopefully, I will be able to creep back to who I was and become who I want to be again.

Now, I have to apologize to myself and put myself back together. What an unfortunate learning experience.

It's ok. If someone stops learning, to me, it means they aren't living anymore... So, you are very much alive and aware, and you will get back to yourself.    I am rooting for you.

[TelHill]

Yes to the self-caring mentioned above. I get busy and put myself last.

To answer the questions--

Growing up, were you constantly walking on eggshells?
Yes
Did your parent force you to parent her at a young age?
Yes
Did your sibling try to invade your friendships, get you into trouble, and take up all of your parents' energy?
We weren't allowed friends. Yes to the other two.
Did you get accused of being a bad, selfish person whenever you act in your own interest and not your relative's?
Yes
Did/do you hide strange or abusive behavior from your own spouse or children?Yes
Did your family "gang up" on you?Yes
Did you have a lot of problems on special occasions, with a relative who ruined weddings, graduations, and holidays with emotional fits?No

My self care is taking long walks daily, listening to music, watching British crime mysteries (am in the US), gardening and singing along (bad karaoke) to music. I don't think more than an hour a day about my mom or the issues she's caused. Some days I don't think about it at all. I've gotten much anger, it's all justified, out of my system over the years.

With that, I've gained a level of acceptance of never having a loving mother.  It helps to move on rather than fighting and hoping I can force her to be a responsible adult.