I'm educated and typically well-spoken, but I'm afraid this will be hard to follow
Makes sense to me! I was the same when I arrived. Losing ourselves in these complex, high-conflict relationships creates a lot of adrenaline and dread and anxiety and stress. It gets hard to think.
We both have an addiction and that, I believe is the biggest contributor to our problems.
This is pretty common. It's harder when the addiction is mind-altering but nevertheless many of us have some kind of addiction. It can be workaholism or perfectionism, which are probably the easier ones to slide by people.
I know there is bad/evil in the world, but getting to know her and her past has catapulted me to a place of utter disbelief that people can be so cruel and how my sheltered emotions have survived this long with her.
This can be like crack to a codependent. We don't have to notice ourselves, something much more urgent is there for distraction.
We are opposites in almost every way.
Maybe the abuse is different. However, you are both likely to have exceptionally high needs for validation. Hers will have no limit. You will have a ceiling but it will be high, most likely.
The stress of all this has caused a downward spiral and has dragged me down as well. My entire life has become about trying to keep her from killing herself in some form. She won't eat most of the time, barely comes out of our bedroom. I can't keep taking the constant blame for everything in her life.
It's possible the pain of intimacy and vulnerability with you, which happens when people know each other for long periods, is destabilizing her. She likely fears abandonment and desperately tries to avoid it. However, pwBPD experience an abandonment of the self. Meaning, something traumatic happened to interfere with the normal development and integration of the self. She abandons her own sense of self. This is not something you can fix.
She goes into these unsettling moods when she is the coldest, most destructive person. She distorts reality and makes accusations that she can't support. She has assaulted me on 3 occasions, with the police being called the 3rd time which is why I'm currently fighting an eviction.
Fighting an eviction, meaning you are being ordered to leave?
Most sane people would've run away by now but my self-esteem is all but gone. She's like a drug. I've been chasing that girl I met, who gave me hope and accepted me for who I was when I had given up. But now she's the reason I cry everyday and can't leave the house for fear of what she will do or who I will be dealing with when I come back. She is waiting on a decision regarding her disability. Ive been waiting for this to see if she will get the help she needs as we have not had insurance.. I'm literally the only support she has left but my life is slipping away.
This is a lot of stress to carry while battling eviction, physical abuse, addiction, to say the least.
Supporting someone with BPD is often a team effort. Do you have anyone in your life who is helping you hold things together?
If not, you have us. You have this board. We're here and have walked in your shoes.
Can anyone give me any hope or am I as much of an idiot as I think I am for still enduring this?
Leaving these relationships is complicated. You took a good, first, big, profound step. Often the best way forward is to build a sturdy scaffold one safe step at a time. No need to rush (often makes it worse).
Maybe it's best to just to keep unbottling what's going on. Don't worry if it's coherent (it is, btw).
Start with that tiny step. This crowd understands complex high-conflict relationships that feel life or death.
