Here to find and be support for other mothers of adult children with BPD

[Sad Mama]

I was going to attempt to reach out to my (adult) daughter again today to ask again what I have done so terribly wrong and I realised I have got so terribly lost in the grief, guilt and shame of the lost  hope that I had forgotten to stop taking the things my daughter does and says to me personally.  She has BPD and all that rings between my ears are her last words to me and that’s is, ‘You mean nothing to me’.  I am beyond heart broken and consumed with sadness.  My feelings have been silenced with her constant accusations that I make every all about me.  I have turned myself inside out for a decade trying to find support for her and help in anyway I can to aid her fight this illness, I am drained.  I live everyday waiting for a call that she has done something this time to permanently hurt herself.  The truth is I feel bullied and emotionally abused by her and welcome the rest I get when she estranges herself from me my husband and her step siblings.  I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years as I began to feel the only end to this constant cycle of sadness and pain would be for me to take my own life.  The only thing that stops me is the damage that would cause my family.  The confusion and constant inward reflection to find where it all went so terribly wrong is all consuming and there is not a day that passes that I do not cry about this situation.  I feel isolated, misunderstood and like I am going crazy.  I know that
this is going to take years and years to get better if it even does at all. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Annyah702]

Hi there sad mama, your post resonates with me as well.  My ringing last words are "Our relationship is dead to me".  I am heartbroken as well, but also take solace in reminding myself that it wasn't anything that I did, or that I could control.  I lost my child to a mental illness.  It hurts still.  A lot.  My therapist actually just recently pointed out the emotional abuse she has put me through and that's been hard to think about and reconcile.  I certainly have also felt emotionally manipulated by her holding our relationship hostage unless I confirm her to perception of reality that doesn't match my own experience.  The mismatch of her reality vs mine and her inability to even discuss anything to the contrary has had me feeling like I'm crazy and doubting my own experience and I have lost a lot of trust and confidence in myself. 

I was in a cycle for 3 years of hope - seeing what I believe to be improvements in our strained relationship followed by absences and pushing away.  It was very much and has been an emotional rollercoaster as I followed the breadcrumbs she sprinkled for her love or attention.  Before the finality of the "relationship is dead to me" proclamation, my therapist challenged me to ask myself what would acceptance of this situation look like?   I ask you to perhaps consider that for yourself.  While her cutting me off is losing a piece of my heart, and wasn't the closure that I wanted, it will allow me to let her go, to allow her to be her own little human wherever life will take her.  I asked myself that hard question so when the decision she made to cut me off emerged I already knew at least the beginning steps to crawl out of the darkness. 

We as parents do the best we can with what we know and what we knew at the time.  I've screamed at God for a time machine to take it all back, but it doesn't work that way.  We can't change the past.  All we can do for ourselves and for the future is heal our own hearts,  hold hope lightly, know our own self worth and boundaries for what we will allow in our own life.  The pain does lesson, it won't always hurt.  Keep working with your therapist, growing, and healing. 

Love & Light
Annyah

[Done being momma]

Sad Momma,

I so relate to your experience. The fear that my daughter would do something to harm herself, the anxiety when the phone rang at night.  For so many years I tried my best to rescue her from danger and I tried, kept trying, to get her the right professional help. As a teen she was a cutter and abused alcohol.  I  really didn’t think she would make it to adulthood. But she did and now she is a mother herself. Unfortunately her dysregulation and mood swings and attacks on me have only gotten worse. She also has been abusing alcohol again as she believes it is the only thing that helps her with her anxiety.

After many years, I have finally embraced the idea that perhaps the most loving thing I can do is let go and protect myself. I truly believe that staying in what has become an abusive relationship with her is detrimental to both of us. ( It can be confusing because there are times she showers me with gifts and affection. So I am unprepared when the next hate bomb lands.)

Very recently  I have decided it is necessary to block all avenues of contact. This is a difficult decision, especially when it goes against the idea of being a “loving mother”. But for today I know it is the right decision for me.

Hoping you find healing in the loving support available here, Done being momma

[Tangled mangled]

I was going to attempt to reach out to my (adult) daughter again today to ask again what I have done so terribly wrong and I realised I have got so terribly lost in the grief, guilt and shame of the lost  hope that I had forgotten to stop taking the things my daughter does and says to me personally.  She has BPD and all that rings between my ears are her last words to me and that’s is, ‘You mean nothing to me’.  I am beyond heart broken and consumed with sadness.  My feelings have been silenced with her constant accusations that I make every all about me.  I have turned myself inside out for a decade trying to find support for her and help in anyway I can to aid her fight this illness, I am drained.  I live everyday waiting for a call that she has done something this time to permanently hurt herself.  The truth is I feel bullied and emotionally abused by her and welcome the rest I get when she estranges herself from me my husband and her step siblings.  I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years as I began to feel the only end to this constant cycle of sadness and pain would be for me to take my own life.  The only thing that stops me is the damage that would cause my family.  The confusion and constant inward reflection to find where it all went so terribly wrong is all consuming and there is not a day that passes that I do not cry about this situation.  I feel isolated, misunderstood and like I am going crazy.  I know that
this is going to take years and years to get better if it even does at all. 

As a daughter to a bpd mother and after being abused by a bpd ex husband who has now teamed up with my mother and the rest of my toxic family: I just want to extend the biggest virtual hug to you and remind you that you are truly heard in this forum.
I’m sorry for what you have been through. I thought I was going crazy a yr ago and was getting close to suicidal ideation too.
You are heart broken, tge sadness you’re experiencing is as deep as it can go.
I’m glad you’re here.
The only thing that has saved my life, is going no contact, taking anti depressants and educating myself on the awful experience I have had from the pwbpd in my life. At one point I had atleast 8  undiagnosed pwbpd: counting friends and extended family. You will get through this.

[AcheyMom]

I can relate so much to your post.  I went no contact a few months ago after I got drawn back into her chaos.  I kind of had a break for a while because she was upset with me for 2 years and had cut me off.  I had blocked her but she found a way to reach me when she needed help.  When I have no contact I am beside myself with worry and grief.  But my life is peaceful.  If I stay involved with her I am used as her punching bag.  I wouldn’t wish this on any parent.  Sending love.