At the end of the rope

[CaffeinePlease]

I have been married to my husband for over 8 years, together 9. There were always some things he would do that frustrated me or ways he would disregard or disrespect me, but overall we were happy and I thought the good outweighed the bad. All I ever asked him for was love and support and I had that, I thought.

He was diagnosed this year but the issues go back much further than that.

I'm just tired of the manipulation and gaslighting. I'm tired of owning my mistakes and him never apologizing for his. I'm tired of trying to have adult conversations about our relationship and him responding with "just leave" or "I'm just a bad person, no one loves me." I'm tired of trying to give our kids consistency and him going behind my back to let them do whatever with no responsibility. I'm tired of not being able to DO anything -- I want to go camping and hiking and travel and go to museums but he doesn't ever want to for any number of reasons and if I tell him, sincerely, that I understand if he doesn't want to go but I want to take the kids, he loses his mind and says I'm abandoning him. I'm tired of him wanting a girlfriend or two because I can't meet his needs 24/7 because I have to work or take care of two small humans or, God forbid, take care of *myself* (self-care aside, I have a pretty severe medical issue going on). I'm tired of him having erotic transference for his therapist and instead of trying to resolve it, he's trying to figure out how to convince her to do it. I'm tired of being called a liar when I say I love him. I'm tired of him accusing me of cheating. I'm tired of his alcoholism and porn addiction. I'm tired of carrying this whole relationship. It's not a marriage, it's a prison.

He is quite literally at the lowest point in his life. His actions this year (suicide attempt) have cost him his older kids and probably his job (6 month license suspension - he's a truck driver). His actions continue to make it worse. He harasses his ex-wife in the middle of a modification trying to get his original rights back. He won't go to the doctor for increasing health problems. He treats me like his emotional punching bag.

Until this year, all of this aside from some attitude issues was kept behind a dam but he had a mental breakdown that caused the dam to open and spill toxic waste over our whole lives. I don't think it will ever get fixed. Even if all the big issues were to subside, he's still unapologetic and his therapy is only helping a little. The only reason the dam was there was that he lied to me about so much. I didn't know he was seeking other relationships behind my back for five years while I was feeling so loved. All I ever wanted was to be loved, I never needed financial support or anything.

I can't do it anymore. I don't want to push him over the edge at the lowest point of his life but I always say I'll wait until the crisis is over and re-evaluate where we stand but when one crisis is over, another one pops up. There's never NOT a crisis. I honestly feel like I have given it everything I've got. I still love him. I would cut out my beating heart to make him better if I could but even that wouldn't be enough to him. He's a bottomless pit of need for validation and I have nothing left to give.

I'm planning to leave in the next month or so, once I get my ducks in a row. I fully expect him to harass me the way he's harassed his ex wife and it will be a nightmare. His family will need to be on suicide watch. But I can't be responsible for that anymore.

[Tangled mangled]

Oh dear Caffeine P,
Apart from the suicide attempt, sounds like we were married to thesame person.
I physically left 4 months ago but the relationship fell apart a year ago when I was physically assaulted.

Mine made comments about not wanting to live anymore and he wanted me to react, I told him I was not his doctor and if he needed help he had to see his doctor. I told him his children will miss him and it will hurt them if he did anything silly.
He wanted me to confess my love but at that point, like you are now there was nothing left to give. In my case I was not even prepared to pretend I cared about him anymore- all the care in the world was never going to heal him.

Mine is undiagnosed, I moved over 300 miles with our children, away to avoid any harassment and drove any feelings between us to the ground- I didn’t hesitate to involve the police when he crossed the lines with bullying.
At some point I felt like I was waiting for someone to grant me the permission to leave.
It’s a difficult situation you’re in but there are many on this site who have walked the path of a partner attempting suicide. It won’t be your fault if he does anything harmful to himself .
Inform his doctor, inform his family ( after you have left of course) and wash your hands clean.
You didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. You health and those of your little ones come first

[CaffeinePlease]

Thank you for the encouragement. I’m glad you were able to leave! I have been trying and waiting and looking for any light at the end of the tunnel but it just isn’t there. He took my slight pushback today really hard and has just been sleeping all day. If we can have a frank conversation and he can relearn to respect me, maybe we can make this work but me speaking up and not walking on eggshells around him is going to be the only solution.

I’ll give mine credit that he has never been physically aggressive nor do I have any fear of it. He’s not a bad person, but he is so rooted in his victim mentality that he can’t take being told “no” for any reason and will manipulate anything to get what he wants.

It runs in his family (cousin has it, 11 year old stepdaughter just tested but don’t have results yet) and his parents are wonderful.

[Smedley Butler]

If we can have a frank conversation and he can relearn to respect me

just my opinion, but i try not to even go down the road of "if my wife can just learn to do xyz".  just assume he will not relearn to respect you.  he probably never respected you, not in a way that you can understand anyways.  you can only work on yourself, your own actions, your own feelings, and respecting YOURSELF. 

my wife does not respect me, and she probably never really did respect or love me in the way that i thought she did, or the way that i believed a wife should or can love and respect a husband.  she loved the way i made her feel about herself, for awhile anyways, and during that time she "respected" me.  that's all borderlines are capable of. 

i dont mean to be blunt or sound rude, i'm just trying to be frank with you.  the "if only he can...do xyz" mentality is a crazy train to nowhere.  just assume that he cant do that thing.  work on yourself.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry you have to live like this.

Leaving my n/BPDx was the best thing I've ever done for me and my son (now 22). Leading up to the divorce it felt like my decision but looking back the disorder all but made it impossible to do anything but leave him. An untreated personality disorder plus multiple addictions is pretty much a foregone conclusion.

I do wish at times I knew then that my ex had BPD and I'll forever be curious if any of the skills I learned here could've made a difference.

But who am I kidding.

I think the recognition that my fixing/rescuing/saving impulses were no match for n/BPDx was actually the beginning of getting healthy and creating the life I wanted and deserved.

I know it's a big burden and there's a long road ahead of you but a lot of us have walked it and are here to walk with you. You're not alone.