I am surviving the family reunion

[Depression = 72% of members]

This past weekend I attended a large family reunion and saw many relatives I have been estranged from for several years and whom I have not seen in all this time. The relatives with whom I have set the strictest boundaries, the ones I am no contact with and did not speak to, mostly ignored me as well. With the relatives I am low contact, we interacted cordially. With the relatives whom I want to maintain contact with, we were present with each other, and I felt the connection. Going to therapy for so many years, learning to be more present in the moment, has opened the door for closer relationships with the right kind of people. One person who married into the family, spent considerable time talking with me, and complimented me on how I am now able to have reciprocal conversations, that before I did most of the talking. This person has a history of childhood trauma and we have always connected in different ways. I explained to him that it had taken several years of therapy to get to where I am now. With my siblings, things will never be the same. I saw my NPD sister and wanted nothing to do with her. I talked to my BPD brother and saw how dysregulated he gets quickly, and he did not spend much time talking with me, as I believe it reminds him of how he has been abandoned since childhood by the people closest to him, and I believe he very much wanted to keep himself together in public. I was able to share with a relative about how her mother abused her as a baby, and she very much wanted to know about it, recognizing herself how childhood trauma has negatively impacted her life. The reunion continues on a smaller scale this week. The biggest lesson for me is that disordered people are really afraid of boundaries and when they see that my boundaries are firm, they do not dare cross them for the most part, though there are certain relatives who will always be violating everybody's boundaries. I feel sad this morning as I am no longer really a part of my FOO and extended family in many ways, as the distancing feels so necessary for me to stay safe and to continue to grow in positive directions. I also feel sad for my siblings, as I see the hurt in their faces on how I have distanced myself from them, yet I have no choice as neither my brother nor my sister are willing to go to therapy and/or take a look at how their abusing me impacts my wellbeing and theirs as well. How was it for you when you saw the family you had distanced yourself from after a long time?

[zachira]

This past weekend I attended a large family reunion and saw many relatives I have been estranged from for several years and whom I have not seen in all this time. The relatives with whom I have set the strictest boundaries, the ones I am no contact with and did not speak to, mostly ignored me as well. With the relatives I am low contact, we interacted cordially. With the relatives whom I want to maintain contact with, we were present with each other, and I felt the connection. Going to therapy for so many years, learning to be more present in the moment, has opened the door for closer relationships with the right kind of people. One person who married into the family, spent considerable time talking with me, and complimented me on how I am now able to have reciprocal conversations, that before I did most of the talking. This person has a history of childhood trauma and we have always connected in different ways. I explained to him that it had taken several years of therapy to get to where I am now. With my siblings, things will never be the same. I saw my NPD sister and wanted nothing to do with her. I talked to my BPD brother and saw how dysregulated he gets quickly, and he did not spend much time talking with me, as I believe it reminds him of how he has been abandoned since childhood by the people closest to him, and I believe he very much wanted to keep himself together in public. I was able to share with a relative about how her mother abused her as a baby, and she very much wanted to know about it, recognizing herself how childhood trauma has negatively impacted her life. The reunion continues on a smaller scale this week. The biggest lesson for me is that disordered people are really afraid of boundaries and when they see that my boundaries are firm, they do not dare cross them for the most part, though there are certain relatives who will always be violating everybody's boundaries. I feel sad this morning as I am no longer really a part of my FOO and extended family in many ways, as the distancing feels so necessary for me to stay safe and to continue to grow in positive directions. I also feel sad for my siblings, as I see the hurt in their faces on how I have distanced myself from them, yet I have no choice as neither my brother nor my sister are willing to go to therapy and/or take a look at how their abusing me impacts my wellbeing and theirs as well. How was it for you when you saw the family you had distanced yourself from after a long time?

[Notwendy]

The biggest lesson for me is that disordered people are really afraid of boundaries

Congratulations on the progress you have made. Seeing our disordered family members from another perspective is different- and one thing I noticed from your post is arriving at a place of empathy for them - as you do for your brother. It's empathy with boundaries though.

I also noticed that my mother seems fearful of my boundaries sometimes and I don't want to cross the line into causing her fear. On my part, fear has been a predominant feeling growing up- we were afraid of her. She doesn't have this kind of fear- she is not afraid of me like that. I think the fear is that if someone has boundaries, they can't control them. IMHO, I think they fear not being in control rather than they are afraid of the person.

I hope you feel good about how you handled a difficult situation cause I think you did great!

[Methuen]

Zachira, I just have to say I think that would have taken a lot of courage to go to that reunion.  I am guessing there were some people there you wanted to see, and so you went to connect with them, and avoided the others.  But knowing that you were going to be in the same space as the ones who treated you poorly in the past, that must have been challenging to deal with leading up to the event. 

Good for you! 

The approach I’ve taken is to respond to and reach out to the ones I wish to stay connected with and just minimize my response to the others.  My family doesn’t organize reunions.  That probably says something.

I think it’s a huge achievement that you did this, and feel the accomplishment of having put yourself amidst the bees, without getting stung.  That sounds like progress and success to me.

[zachira]

Methuen and Notwendy,
Thank you for your support.
The family reunion is over for now, though there will be some more family around until the summer season is over. What we are most afraid to face, is often what we need to, for there to be meaningful and helpful changes. I feel so rewarded that my relationships with people in the family and community have improved so much. My NPD sister has been running a smear campaign against me my whole life. I am no longer full of shame like before, and people see much more of me than my sister and are getting to know me for who I am instead of what my sister says about me.
I have met with my BPD brother. I got a trusted kind relative to come with me to get most of my things out of his house, which used to be my mother's home. My brother was on his best behavior while we were in his home, though I could see he was doing his best to hide his emotional dysregulations. If I had been there alone, it would have been unsafe for me. Indeed my brother got angry before the agreed upon visit over nothing threatening to cancel it, and I had to talk with him to still let me come. I have talked with him about selling all the small parcels of mostly not very valuable properties and he says my sister's husband would also like to do this. He volunteered to take the initial steps to do this, and I said I would do this, and he agreed. This means there is hope to finally end all the financial and legal ties with my siblings eventually which would be a big relief for me.

[livednlearned]

zachira, it's so heartening to hear that you were able to attend and hold space for yourself. You've been through so much, not only in your childhood, but also in your healing. This is a milestone, I would imagine. I admire you, for what you've set your mind to doing, then following through while being true to yourself.  Thanks for sharing this with us.

What we are most afraid to face, is often what we need to, for there to be meaningful and helpful changes.

If you feel comfortable sharing, I am curious what you felt physically, in your body, as you attended both the reunion and your mother's home to retrieve your belongings?

It is the physical aspects of my trauma that grip me when I see my family so I'm wondering if you felt any of that and if so, what you think may have helped?

[zachira]

Livednlearned,
Yes, it is indeed the physical effects of trauma that are so overwhelming. I do and have done a lot of body work to process the trauma in my body, much of which is preverbal trauma as the foundation for lifetime emotional abuse. I think it is so important to work on being present in our bodies to be able to open up the rigid parts of our bodies that keep us stuck in being triggered and emotionally overwhelmed, especially when we are in the presence of our abusers. I made a plan to keep myself safe which worked. Number one was not to go to any events in small spaces in which I could be easily corned by the abusers. Number two was to spend my time at the large family events with people I could trust to keep me safe. I was pleasantly surprised yet somewhat sad about how I am not so emotionally invested in my siblings anymore and very observant of how emotionally dysregulated they were in my presence. I did a lot of meditation and movement of as many body parts as I could think of in quiet spaces in the days leading up to the large family reunion.
This is not the last of the family reunions. I was contacted yesterday by one of the flying monkey relatives who never gives up on wanting to know my plans. My sister does not want to come down here if I am around. If she is here, she goes out of her way to smear me to as many people as possible, and can be quite convincing so I tell nobody my plans of when I am arriving or leaving. The good part is quite a few people are now not so vulnerable to being flying monkeys for my sister.
You are really in a difficult position having to have your stepdaughter in your life, and not being able to fully control all the situations you will see her in as you are married to her father. My advice would be to meditate daily to let no emotions become too overwhelming, to find a practitioner to work with on opening up any stuck rigid areas of your body so you can process past traumas and learn to process on your own new traumas, and to have a safety plan for yourself for when your stepdaughter is around. What do you think would help you feel safe when you have to be around your stepdaughter?

[livednlearned]

Not being in small, confined places is an interesting one, and I can see why it would be helpful. And I'm guessing you were thinking something similar when you had a trusted family member come with you to retrieve your things from your mom's home while your brother was there.

I do have to work on physical responses when SD26 is here but it's something else that has me thinking about physical trauma and family of origin issues. Maybe I'll start a separate thread and see if I can untangle it there.

Your post made me also think of the first time I saw uBPD brother after a 10 year estrangement. It was at my father's 80th. uBPD brother and I were seated across from each other. I was there with H, who sat next to me. It was at a club that my parents' belong to and it was a busy dining area, and I thought it was a good choice for a first reunion with uBPD. At one point I was at the table alone with uBPD brother and H. It was almost like I was in a spell, and I felt locked into the topic uBPD was talking about, which was a string of negative things that had happened to mutual people we knew. This is a bit hard to describe, but I felt like I regressed into what I can only describe as a type of social survival. Where I have a hard time changing the topic or indicating disinterest or even noticing what it is I'd rather be doing. It was like I left my body but not quite dissociating. I know my breath became shallow, but I also got hooked into the last topic, which was about whether my mother should be driving. It was like I went from thinking, "Hopefully my father can manage this problem, she shouldn't be driving" to "We have to get her off the road at all costs!" H kind of tugged my shirt at one point and when we walked off to talk privately he pointed out that my brother managed to wind me up to a state of agitation. He had me hold my hands palm up and take deep breaths and get grounded.

I think your forethought to think carefully about the venue and who is there and how you will interact helped create a successful event for you. I still seem to stumble into traps here and there. Maybe that's to be expected and there is something to learn from each episode.

[TelHill]

Not being in small, confined places is an interesting one, and I can see why it would be helpful.

This is a great point. I had not thought about this either except for the obvious like strangers.

I think your forethought to think carefully about the venue and who is there and how you will interact helped create a successful event for you. I still seem to stumble into traps here and there. Maybe that's to be expected and there is something to learn from each episode.

With relatives this is smart to discern because I have thrown out the baby with the bath water. I've had some abuse from extended family members during the past five years. A cousin trying to steal property from me, a cousin gossiping about me to someone at my then job, another cousin who committed fraud against his and my uncle among other things. 

I want to stand my ground when I visit my family home overseas next summer because all these people will be there together with some wonderful more distant relatives.

[zachira]

TelHill,
Going no contact with your entire extended family is very painful and there is lots to sort out, especially when there are some family members you would like to continue to have in your life. Learning about flying monkeys has been extremely helpful to me. Some flying monkeys are just as evil as the disordered family members because they knowingly enable the abuse and dysfunction of other family members. Some flying monkeys are innocently recruited and will sometimes slowly become more aware of what is really going on. Before you visit with your family next summer, you will likely need a plan to keep you safe. I have found that the healthier I am emotionally, the easier it is to maintain boundaries and stay safe. My experience with disordered people in general is that they are afraid of people with healthy boundaries and will try to avoid me because they last thing they want is to be seen for who they really are.