Am I wrong being mad at my non-BPD dad?

[Chilly_bean]

Hello everyone, years passed by and I'm rejoining the board (with a new account as I forgot my old login) because I need someone to talk to. I have my own family now but feel very lonely regarding my 'old' family issues.

Sometimes I'm mad at my non-Bpd dad and sometimes I feel kind of guilty about it. We have a rather emotionally distant relationship.

I'm mad because he left me all alone to cope with my mom's uBPD and her needs (my parents divorced when I hit majority).

I'm mad because him being an adult instead of teaching me healthy tools of setting boundaries with my mom (which unfortunately he wasn't capable of) he would just shout 'nutcase', 'psycho' and other insulting words at her and expect me to think of her the same. Whenever I would ask him to stop insulting mom, he would tell me I'm following her steps.

I'm mad at him because he took very little effort in my care comparing to my mom, who would stay at home a lot when I was little and often sick. My parents have the same degree but it's my mom who sacrified her career and has a miserable retirement pay now that won't allow to live on her own, I have to help her financially a lot, not my dad.

I'm mad at my dad because it's my mom who did all the stuff at home, planned vacations (where my dad was never present), all my peri-scholar activities. My dad would just sit there in front of the tv after work.

I feel so damn lonely because my mom is very dependent on me and it doesn't help me to work on my boundaries at all. Yes, my mom brags a lot too, but truth is she invested a lot in me, and it's not that I feel that I own her (and that's what she thinks), I just think she deserves a decent retirement, no less than my dad does.

And I feel so lonely to cope with her BPD and her rages and her delusions. And then I feel guilty about being mad at my dad who was kind of lonely to deal with this too as I was too little to understand and naturally supported my mother.

It's very difficult for me to draw a clear line between my father's divestment in family life and him being alienated (of course!) as one leads to another.

The fact is that my dad was also my mom's scapegoat and absorbed a lot of negative emotions. Meanwhile I was the only and "gold" child. There were lots of unhealthy dynamics as I look back, but till my young adult years I considered having a rather stable and normal parents and that my childhood was rather nice. As my dad left, the dynamics have slowly but drastically shifted, me still being the goldchild but then also the scapegoat, me being the daughter but then also...the husband...

As I moved abroad with my mom and continued to live with her for some years I've experienced 'the witch' I never knew before.. I've experienced the world, my foundations falling apart, a very horrible sensation, not knowing what bits of my childhood were happy, which ones were a lie...learning all about bpd at once as it finally hit me that there's something really wrong with my mom..

I haven't seen my father for many years now, we've been on a low contact and he's visiting next week to see his grandchildren.. He wanted to keep this fact a secret from my mom..and I'm mad at him for this. Because he wants an easy play.. Because he doesn't really care how the mother of his daughter is doing.. so I asked him to send just a little message to my mom that he's passing by...and he did, as if it was a journey I organized for him ("look woman, we have a very good relationship you don't know about"), which is not true..

All my life my dad and my mom would compete who's the sicker one. And my mom would end up doing most of the stuff, cause dad would always be the sicker one. But now, my mom is very sick, would just stay at home. And my dad is traveling everywhere. But he'd like to continue convincing me that he's the sicker one (although he don't need anything).

I'd like to meet him, of course, it's been many years now.. but it's working my head really hard and I feel very very lonely dealing with this.. my hubby is supportive but, really, he doesn't understand at ALL what I'm going through..

[Notwendy]

I think it's normal to have a mix of feelings towards the non-BPD parent. With my parents, BPD mother was the more overtly dysfunctional parent. I was the scapegoat child and so it was natural that I bonded with my father and don't have memories of good times together with my BPD mother. My golden child sibling does have them though, as they did seem to have a relationship with each other, although all of us have experienced the "witch" aspect .

I naively perceived my father as the "good guy" and victim of my mother's behavior. Yet, he was a part of their dynamics, enabled her behavior, expected us to tolerate it and comply with her, even if her expectations were unreasonable. It took me doing some personal work on co-dependent behavior to see that aspect of him.

I also was reading books on relationships and came across an interesting fact. We tend to match a partner in ways- so if one person is disordered, the partner matches that emotionally in some ways- not necessarily the same way. One aspect is emotionally. It seems as if your father has his limits too.

I think one common experience is that the non BPD parent is emotionally unavailable. For my father, he was completely focused on BPD mother and her needs and wishes. It's interesting that my golden child sibling's perception of our father is more similar to yours. Dad seemed to be tuned out. To me though, it felt as if he did make a connection. Maybe it's relative to BPD mother's behavior.

The shock and questioning- was our childhood an illusion? I can relate to that. I think we gain the ability to disconnect and tune out events as a form of protection. It's also the only "normal" we know growing up (as we don't know what normal is). As adults, we may have a different perspective. To children, parents seem to be all powerful. As adults, we see them as human, with their strengths and weaknesses. Your father has his emotional limitations it seems and possibly his own version of dysfunction.

Yes, we feel a mix of feelings, anger being one of them.  I don't think there's a right or wrong way to feel.

[livednlearned]

Name-calling someone with BPD sort of outs him as having low emotional maturity himself. I can understand why you would feel mad at him. He was the non-BPD person and therefore had more wherewithal to do what he could to manage the family's distress, and didn't. There is probably some residual downstream thought patterns influenced by your mother's pathogenic parenting too (leading to alienation, like you point out).

Many of us with BPD in our families have complex feelings about all members, in part because people are rarely all bad, even those who have mental health issues that impacted our childhoods and who we became. At the same time, the abuse was chronic and often insidious, becoming tangled up with our sense of self. It's not easy to tease all of this out.

[Chilly_bean]

Hello guys and thank you for your replies.  Yes, my dad has definitely some character issues too and most likely emotional immaturity as well. I haven't figured him out, most likely because of a low and superficial contact (even when we lived together!).

It's good to know that it's ok to have mixed feelings about someone. I feel like mine are mixed to the extremes, to a point that I can't put these pieces together to have a clear image though.

[Pook075]

Are you wrong for being mad at him?  That's a tough question and it's an even tougher answer.

In my relationship, I'm your dad since I'm divorcing a BPD wife.  I have two daughters that have already had some head-scratching moments, and each time they asked me for advice.  I didn't go off like your dad did, but I married my ex in good faith and did everything I could to give her a good life.  She rewarded that by cheating on me, painting me black, and absolutely destroying our family with her raging anger.

I don't owe my ex wife a single thing, she's not my responsibility anymore.

Now, does that mean I shouldn't be there for my daughters?  Of course not, they're my kids and I'll always support them.  But if they're asking me to take an active part in my ex's life to give them a break, they're completely out of their minds.  I fought the good fight and came up empty, and that's not something I would willingly jump back into.  Instead, I'd tell my kids to make healthy boundaries and ask my ex to leave if she couldn't abide by them.

The problem is your BPD mom, not your dad.  I'm not saying your dad doesn't have issues of his own, I'm sure he does, but this just isn't his fight anymore.

[livednlearned]

It's good to know that it's ok to have mixed feelings about someone. I feel like mine are mixed to the extremes, to a point that I can't put these pieces together to have a clear image though.

I think a lot of pwBPD end up with someone who struggles with codependence (due to having dysfunctional upbringing), or someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, or someone on the autism spectrum (who may struggle to puzzle together normal vs disordered social behaviors).

A lot of us who married pwBPD have an inner world wired for codependence that can come across as a weak sense of self. So someone who isn't emotionally fully fleshed out due to childhood conditioning or trauma. Your dad might qualify.

But competing to see who's the sickest and calling your mom disparaging names in front of you ... that's a sign of serious emotional limitation. He seemed to be managing his own emotions instead of trying to help you.

Have you read Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? The stuff about dads is kind of interesting (I had to switch genders and figure out which one best matched my own tendencies).

It might help to puzzle together the degree to which both parents were on uneven or even footing. Uneven would be preferable given that BPD parents tend to engage in pathogenic parenting, actively turning kids against the other parent.

Even in families with domestic violence there are parents who make efforts to maintain the child-parent bond with the other parent. Whereas BPD parents can split so hard against their spouse that they become "all bad," Since many children of BPD parents are considered an extension of the parent, they are inappropriately persuaded to see things the same way as the BPD parent. That's a very specific kind of abuse that can taint childhood memories in ways that feel like fact because of the way memories are formed when we're developing.

In what ways do you consider your mixed feelings to be extreme? Do you mean mixed to the extreme where one parent is good and one is bad?

[Notwendy]

I think the confusion is due to a lot of factors. In your case, it's possible your mother painted your father black and you did see her as the good parent and Dad as the one who was wrong. I perceived BPD mother as the "problem" and my father as a victim of her behavior. But was he? He earned the money, but she controlled it. If she asked him to do something, or enforce something - he did it. I don't know if he agreed to it or not, but he did it- so wasn't he also making a choice somehow?

I think it's OK to be angry, but also to be cautious to not dwell or blame excessively- to where it isn't doing us any good. But we shouldn't ignore our feelings. My interest in the dynamics between my parents is so that I can understand the situation better and make positive changes for myself. With having two role models- one I thought was the "bad" one and the other one with good qualities- I also learned co-dependent behaviors. BPD mother isn't "all bad" either.

Since your father wasn't present, he also becomes the blank slate for your mother's projections. But he also could be even if he was present. The Karpman triangle helped to explain these dynamics. BPD mother sees things from victim perspective. Other family members are either rescuer or persecutor. With your father leaving - he took on persecutor role. As golden child, you would be in rescuer position to your mother. All roles are dysfunctional though.

With your father visiting you, this is an opportunity for you to meet him as an adult now. Likely you will feel cautious about it. I also probably would not get into any heavy discussions at first, but perhaps in time, your father might share some of his perspective, and you may get some clarity.

His decision to not inform your mother about the visit and your stepping in to arrange that for him. That is taking on a role that isn't yours. What goes on between them is their issue. It's their relationship. I notice this because, I too, stepped in to try to "rescue" my father in the dynamics with my mother. Now, you can inform her if you wish. Keeping his secret is him triangulating with you. But you do not have to take on a responsibility that is his. Whether or not he cares about your mother- there's no way to know what he's feeling but that is on him.

With your parents not married to each other- you are allowed to have an individual relationship with either of them, and not have it be the other one's business. They also can have whatever relationship between them- whether it's any contact or not.

I agree with livednlearned that your father also has some emotional limitations- possibly his own issues. I think it's good that he wants to reconnect- so you can see who he is with more clarity, but be cautious about your expectations of him as a father.

[TelHill]

I think it's normal to feel anger at a parent in this situation.  Like any emotion it depends how you handle it for your own best outcome.

I have an elderly dBPD mom, an in-denial elderly dad, and an older golden child brother who is a high functioning substance abuser.  I am the scapegoat daughter.  My mom is high on the bpd spectrum. She painted the rest of us black most of the time taking breaks when she did housework or we were doing schoolwork. My dad was in denial. He worked long hours and did dad "work" around the house with his one day off from work. He told me my mom was sick when I was 4 years old and that was the extent of emotional support from him. My brother picked on me mercilessly and my dad did nothing about that either.

I've talked and pleaded over the years since for understanding and to work for a closer relationship with my dad and brother when I wasn't nc. It never works and I get sucked in to being my mom's sole babysitter. They get to spend their time away from her obnoxious behavior.  So, I get used by them again.  I realize I cannot make these two be who I want and need.   I'm VLC to preserve my sanity.  Processing my anger on my own (with a therapist) away from my FOO has given me much insight and a glimmer of happiness. It's like standing up for myself quietly and safely when facing an injustice.




 

[Lenfan2]

I agree with what others have said here. Is it wrong to be mad?   Your feelings are your feelings and they are yours and no one else's. There's no right or wrong in my opinion. Ambivalence makes perfect sense. For all the things he did wrong, there were probably at least some that he did right too, and odds are he didn't have the resources (internet, books etc.)  that we have now to deal with this, and he was probably just winging it. It was also a no-win  situation either way for him. If he had divorced sooner, he would have had even less positive time in your childhood.  But, none of that's your fault. You suffered and you have anger. Who wouldn't?

I identify with the Dads on this thread. I could have done better as a Dad but I did my best, and still try to do my best,  under trying circumstances without  much guidance.  I hope my now adult but anxious  daughter will understand that and be able convert whatever anger she feels someday into  positive action. Your children will probably have grievances, right and wrong, with how you raised them. It's unavoidable. Hopefully they will mature with your guidance in to the kind of people who can put it in perspective and break the cycle of pervious generations.

My bottom line: We're all just muddling through. Go easy on yourself and your Dad.

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to distinguish between anger and lingering resentment. Part of the work of changing the cycle is to acknowledge that our parents did the best they could with what they knew to do and to not continue to be resentful.

However, what a child experiences when being raised in a family with disordered dynamics and a parent with a mental illness is different from being raised in a basically stable family with parents who aren't perfect- as no parent is, and who will inevitably make mistakes. If this includes abuse of any kind, then even if the parents did many positive things, that doesn't mean the issues didn't happen.

It may appear that speaking about the issues is due to being focused on the negative. In actuality, children tend to minimize the situation. We tend to assume it's normal as it's the only "normal" we know. If we  question it's not to blame. It's to try to understand. And there are emotions that go along with this.

[zachira]

Perhaps part of the anger is your father seems to be obviously the higher functioning parent and you expect more of him. It has taken me many years to see that in dysfunctional couples that usually both partners are extremely dysfunctional and sometimes the more capable one has the ability to change and grow whereas a partner with a personality disorder cannot usually grow or change. My parents are deceased and my mother had BPD. I too expected my father to intervene on my behalf and he didn't. When I was a teenager, I had an argument with my mother, and my father took me aside and begged me not to get into it with her, that he had tried to get her some mental health help and she refused. It was wrong of him to expect me to sacrifice my wellbeing and chances to become a healthy adult while I was still young. Later in life, I continue to figure out my family and regret how much heartbreak I have suffered because I am so late in maturing, in accomplishing many life tasks that many of my peers mastered years ago, and some of these tasks I will never accomplish because it is too late. Be patient with yourself, as you sort out your relationships with your parents and how you are affected both in childhood and now. For many of us on this site raised by a BPD mom continuing to set healthier boundaries with our BPD mother has helped and usually involves setting healthier boundaries with other family members as well. What kind of relationship would you like to have with your father?

[Notwendy]

Children don't understand the dynamics and can also have black and white thinking- as a part of being a child- not BPD. For children, parents are all powerful. We can't understand they have their strong and weak points. With BPD mother though- we didn't form the usual mother- child relationship. She isn't emotionally capable of that. Dad did most of the parenting so it makes sense I saw him as the good parent. He was the more emotionally stable and competent parent and I probably expected more of him. One of our tasks of adulthood is to see our parents as the humans they are, but we can't do that as children.

And also, I think they have expectations of us. Like Zachira mentioned, her Dad would take her aside and ask her to not upset her mother but not intervene when we were subjected to our mother's behavior. There was also a contrast by the time I was a teen. I was the one who was more emotionally stable than my mother. So if there was the choice of keeping the family as calm as possible, he'd focus on her.