Hey everyone. It has been close to a decade since I last posted here and what a decade it has been! My uBPD ex-wife and I divorced in December of 2015. We had been separated close to a year prior to the divorce date. Around October of 2015 I had started dating a lovely, mature, and well-adjusted woman who was the complete opposite of my uBPD ex. That lovely woman and I married 3 years ago and this is the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever had in my entire life. I'm glad we took a lot time getting to know each other as friends and didn't rush or pressure each other for anything in our relationship. I wake every day thankful for the personal changes I made personally, as well as thankful for my current wife. In fact, I feel like the nut in the relationship most days.
I was looking back on all of my old posts on here last night and it was surreal. My 20s were a flaming poop-show, especially in regard to my former marriage and general relationships. It makes me sad to read back and see how poorly I thought of and treated myself/let myself be treated by others. Gaining self-esteem was a hard-fought personal battle. I'm not 100% where I want to be in life but I'm a million miles away from the radioactive Hellscape I was in with my ex.
I'm currently doing inventories and post-mortems of unhealthy relationships throughout my life so I can become healthier and more resilient. Mostly, I've been focusing on my family of origin. However its hard to separate some family issues I had from issues I had with uBPD ex. Hence, why I'm back on this website.
Anyways, if any of you are considering leaving or are in the early stages and are feeling fearful, I wanted to give some hope. Here are a few nuggets of wisdom from my experience:
1. I'd take being single for rest of my life than ever being with my ex or in a romantic relationship with an other pwBPD.
2. Loneliness is the hardest part of initially leaving and it sucks, but it does get better with time and pushing yourself to get out of your comfort zone. This should be temporary as you get out of your shell and meet new friends.
3. Take time to be single. You need this time to focus on fixing yourself. You have spent so much time focusing your energy on trying to fix your BPD partner that you haven't allowed yourself to look at your own less-than-desirable traits. Take accountability for anything you could have changed and then actively work on changing. Take critical feedback from others who know you well with some graciousness. We all have character defects and blind spots.
4. Make a solid plan for your future. Literally sit down and write out what you want for yourself in the next year and then list what you will need to do make those goals tangible. Keep the list to no more than 5 things and keep them realistic. Once you have a solid game plan, then start acting on it. The more you accomplish, the better you will feel and your self-esteem will improve. None of these goals should involve new romantic relationships! Then make a 5 year plan list. Wash, rinse, repeat.
5. If you can afford it, then strongly consider going to therapy. It will help to have a professional who can help you unpack your emotional baggage from the wreckage. If you cannot or don't want to do therapy then reach out to trusted friends/family or find a support group. Its so important to have a supportive social network and relearning to build/maintain interpersonal relationships is fundamental to healing and changing your own self-defeating behaviors.
6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Most people are actually glad to help others when asked. And if they can't help, ask them to guide you to someone who can. Sometimes you find help in the most unexpected people and places.
7. When you are ready to date again (I'd give it at least 6 months after a breakup) then write out all the things that were unhealthy and that you hated about your past relationship. Now that you have that "unhealthy" list, make a new list which describes all of the healthy characteristics of what you want in a future partner. Be as detailed and exacting as you want. Keep these lists close and update as needed while dating. This will serve as a reminder for what you are and are not willing to tolerate in future relationships. If a date doesn't meet your criteria then don't hesitate to cut them off. Be ruthless in weeding out potentially unhealthy and incompatible individuals. Your personal well-being is at stake.
8. Remember that happiness is a choice and what you make of life. Sure, we will all suffer loss and unexpected traumatic events. How you choose to react to and handle those life events is up to you though.
