I had my daughter arrested and i feel like i have failed her now

[dementedmum]

Thank you so much to whomever created this site as its the first non judgemental parent advice site i have came across.

Last night i had a call from the police to say that they had found, detained and charged my 19 year old daughter with Domestic violence towards me.

You will all know the traits (feels so good to not have to explain everything!), at 15 my girl ran away from home as i had informed her that i had arranged for private Phys iatric care (we are UK - NHS) and that she would be moving to live with her gran and grandad for at least 2 months for her own good. She took off the next day, this had been in response to a "last straw" where she had endangered her wee brothers life for the last time. She was going to my mum and stepdads as she had never dared to argue with them and being a grands girl i though a strong calm man around 24/7 would help her.
Police found her quickly but wouldn't bring her home as she told them she would just take off again and she was staying in her legally estranged fathers empty home, i had court dates that were then called off due to covid lock downs so as soon as she was 16 i had no more rights to interfere with her life or essentially be able to keep her restrained.
Fast forward to now, she only appears when she needs something or taken somewhere or for me to take care of something for her and i just went with it, we could go a month or even a year in between seeing her. My bio dad sends her 1k a month and has done since she first left, i send her batches of clothes and essentials when needed but otherwise i generally have no clue what she's doing with her life.

She was born "different" and i say this as a woman who is adhd with an asd son, 4 asd brothers, asd father etc. She never cried, her rage was sadistic (fortunately always directed towards me) her moods swings more volatile that the Scottish summer weather however no doctor would look at her despite concerns being raised from health visitors etc.

when she was in control though, not a sweeter, more intelligent nor funny kid would you ever meet.
She did suffer from CSA just before she turned 6 at the hands of members of her fathers family whom she was forced to have contact with, he then rejected her and called her a liar in court. it was around that time my daughter died (her soul at least), i have never seen that sweet wee girl again.
She was in therapy ever since and 3 therapeutic sports which she was incredible at, she behaved and did well in school, but at home...she smashed the house, she controlled every second of my life and on 3 occasions tried to kill her wee brother...all before she was 12.
Puberty hit and a whole new entity was born!
I wasn't silent about how much pain she was in, her self harm or my inability to cope but as I'm probably sure you have all experienced, professional services just blame us or make out that we are making it up. My daughter always got a twisted joy when making me out to be lying.
within 3 days this week however i have received 21 phone calls and 182 texts/messages through SM from her, her volatile sweet to violent erratic messages. these messages have had me threatened with gang Rap!, beatings, being murdered, my son (16) getting taken violently to punish me, my home and workplace threatened and a multitude of crazy spouting's of my apparent drug addictions (i don't even drink alcohol), my bi polar disorder ...she has somehow diagnosed me with?, i had rented her out to adults to use in our garden shed (we live in a flat and don't even have a bloody garden let alone a shed!), i have apparently tried to kill her as a baby and beat her every day, took her 2 weeks ago for an abortion when she was 6 months pregnant (not even legal at 6 months here!) scattered this babies ashes and multitude of just sheer craziness! ...because i wouldn't give her more money on the first day she got in touch.

I am used to this from her and her therapist told me she  does it to me because she knows i will take it and still love her, however i had to block her the night before last as from her 182 messages and my 6 short non engaging responses, i just couldn't take anymore. However i forgot social media, i woke to 37 more threats of murder and rap! not just from her though but voice messages from men that she was with. I had to call the police then.

I am devastated! she had a horrific childhood trauma which made her so much worse and i know when she comes round she feels immense guilt, i have never turned my back on her as her father did until now and i am terrified that i have put the last nail in her coffin so to speak! The police took what she and her male friends did incredibly serious and they agree that she needs sectioned long term but we all know that wont be forced on her, jail was all i could think of to force her sober and hopefully back onto meds! She is now barred from any contact with her brother nor i however my mum (who told me to press charges) will contact her to let her know that in an medical emergency she will be available.

now i feel like jumping off that mythical cliff, i hate that i Hate my own baby girl whilst loving her more than anyone in my life!
 
Has anyone been through similar and their loved one gotten help or slightly better?

Thank you so much for having this platform and letting me rant!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi and welcome  we are so glad you found us -- this is a place that "gets it" about how challenging it is to parent a child with BPD. Normal-range parenting generally isn't even close to effective for those children, for sure.

You're not alone in getting law enforcement involved with your child. She's certainly been through a lot, so having compassion for her hurt makes sense. And yet her out-of-control behavior sounds like she was trying to "find the edges" of who she even was. With BPD in play -- if she's struggling to even have a self at all -- it's no wonder that she was pushing the limits so intensely and so dangerously.

It can actually be a loving thing for pwBPD (persons with BPD) to experience natural, real-world consequences to choices they make. Sometimes a person has to  hit rock bottom before wanting to turn around. All you can do is hope that this police interaction may ultimately help her learn to make different choices. Whether she "means it from the heart" or not, perhaps it can help her learn "if I am violent, I do not like the consequences on my life. So, I will decide not to be violent, even if inside I want to".

...

Now that this has happened:

Last night i had a call from the police to say that they had found, detained and charged my 19 year old daughter with Domestic violence towards me.

what will the process be, going forward? I.e., will there be a trial, will you be required to make a statement/appear in court...? Do you have good support for that?

...

Fill us in on how things are going, whenever works best for you. I hope you and your son are able to have some moments of peace even in the midst of all this.

-kells76

[Sancho]

Hi Dememtedmum
You must be heartbroken - not only because of these recent events, but decades of loving and trying to support a child with both complex needs and who has been traumatised at a young age. This is a new 'happening': you have been dealing with it and now there is a process in place that is out of your control.

Just a couple of things from my own experience . . .

I am wondering if dd is self medicating? The things she is saying are so clearly 'unreal' that I wonder if she was in psychosis - in my experience this is a pattern with my dd - ie she has self medicated for years, links up with males who have mental health problems and they both self medicate - and my dd moves further across the 'border' into psychosis. As she withdraws her anger is much worse, then gradually she is more in 'reality'.

My dd sort of 'morphs' into just becoming united with the bloke she is with - and this has been my biggest concern in the past. My dd is strong enough when she is 'off her head' but I have always known that she is held back from violence because she knows me. It is a different story when she is with someone. They egg one another on emotionally and in their anger.

From what you say, you have had intermittent contact with your dd and I suppose my first reaction is to wonder whether there is substance abuse involved - as a form of self medicating - and also that you don't know who she is mixing with and what their 'story' involves.

It's a long story that I won't go into but in the end the police were involved here too. It was something I had avoided, but in the end I could see it was the best thing to do.

For you now, there is an enormous struggle going on between your emotions and your reason. On the one hand you feel guilty that you have involved a legal process for your loved dd. On the other hand, reason tells you that you had no option but to do so.
.
I feel that you have given your dd the opportunity of a wake up call. From what you describe, things are on a knife edge and dd and her male friend or friends are on a trajectory where if they moved to act on these threats there would be very serious consequences.

I think in the circumstances you entitled to 'flip' this, ie instead of feeling that you have initiated worst case scenario by involving the police, you can see it as giving the opportunity of a wake up call. You can't know how this will work out - but I think this was the only option and MAY be the start of a turning point.

You will no doubt be feeling guilty about all this, but I think it is good to sit down with a cuppa and calmly think about all the ways you have been there and all the things you have done to try to help in the past.

You have tried to put things in place for dd to access help but she has avoided/refused to take these options. When someone continues along a path, it is inevitable that there will be a block in that road that they can't avoid.

I hope in spite of all the distress you are experiencing you are able to find some ways to nurture yourself and be at peace in what is such a stressful situation.



 

[AcheyMom]

I’m sorry your daughter is lashing out at you in this way and you are not alone.  I went through something similar with my 33 yr old daughter this Summer and sad to say it was not the first time.  I think you have done the right thing.  She needs to know that there are consequences to her actions.  I think it’s the only hope we have in them making a decision to change (if that is possible)

My daughter does the rage texting when she is in psychosis induced by drugs so I was wondering the same thing as Sancho.  My daughter is also Bipolar and experiences mania.  She’s been hospitalized (sectioned) each time this happens for everyone’s safety.  My journey is a bit further down the road as my daughter is much older but due to those bizarre false accusations I am beginning to feel unsafe and I keep my distance.  I’ve had social workers take her claims seriously when she was younger and it’s not a joke. Once medicated properly her behaviour simmers down but there is always passive aggressive remarks as though she has deep seated anger.  I don’t really feel like she loves me, more that she needs my resources.  It is a sad state of affairs.

All this said, I am wondering if the police will bring her to the hospital if she remains agitated like this?  Please give us an update.  Keeping you in my thoughts…