Afraid of my pwBPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wasn’t sure which category to put this in as I’m still in the relationship and I want it to work. But because of the abuse I’m at the point where I’m quite afraid of my pwBPD and I feel like my whole life’s a mess. I’m lucky to have some great friends that support me and of course they always tell me to leave him. I feel bad for him because I know he has a lot of trauma which explains why he is the way he is. I can’t see my leaving him but about once a month he almost leaves me and I wonder if and when it will be for real. I’m looking for a job at the moment but it’s kind of long distance so It will make seeing each other harder. I know that if we do spilt up I won’t have to deal with the abuse anymore but I feel like I’d regret it, and I don’t want to abandon him either. I’m constantly under a lot of pressure and I wish he was more supportive rather than a source of it, to be honest.

[Winterberry]

I wasn’t sure which category to put this in as I’m still in the relationship and I want it to work. But because of the abuse I’m at the point where I’m quite afraid of my pwBPD and I feel like my whole life’s a mess. I’m lucky to have some great friends that support me and of course they always tell me to leave him. I feel bad for him because I know he has a lot of trauma which explains why he is the way he is. I can’t see my leaving him but about once a month he almost leaves me and I wonder if and when it will be for real. I’m looking for a job at the moment but it’s kind of long distance so It will make seeing each other harder. I know that if we do spilt up I won’t have to deal with the abuse anymore but I feel like I’d regret it, and I don’t want to abandon him either. I’m constantly under a lot of pressure and I wish he was more supportive rather than a source of it, to be honest.

[livednlearned]

That's a tough place to be in. Wanting to stay because you love him, wanting to leave because you feel afraid.

In what ways do you feel afraid of him?

I ended up leaving my ex, although in retrospect when I responded confidently (didn't happen often) he seemed to ... pull himself together. Almost like he wanted me to be an unflappable parent. "Oh my, that's quite a real tantrum there. I'm going to keep making this pb&j. Let me know when you're ready to eat."

My ex once screamed at me that I was an egomaniac then in the next sentence called me weak. I remember asking him, "Well, which one is it? Seems weird to be both."

Sometimes, their words cut you to the bone and weaken you, then they get mad you aren't who you were when they met.

Are you living in different states?

[Winterberry]

We live a couple hours apart. When I say I’m afraid of him, I mean the things he says to me are so cutting, he’s intimidating and has even physically hurt me a couple of times but he immediately regretted it. He doesn’t have as much remorse for the verbal side of things and generally being quite manipulative, though. I just feel like being on the receiving end of this is quite scary. I don’t feel like he would ever hurt me badly or anything but I’m walking on eggshells and even when he’s feeling okay or being nice I’m anxious about what’s going to happen.

[jaded7]

We live a couple hours apart. When I say I’m afraid of him, I mean the things he says to me are so cutting, he’s intimidating and has even physically hurt me a couple of times but he immediately regretted it. He doesn’t have as much remorse for the verbal side of things and generally being quite manipulative, though. I just feel like being on the receiving end of this is quite scary. I don’t feel like he would ever hurt me badly or anything but I’m walking on eggshells and even when he’s feeling okay or being nice I’m anxious about what’s going to happen.

Sorry you are in the situation and I hope this board can be really helpful to you. There are some experts here that are absolutely amazing. I'm not one them though.

I do know that when I read your this post I immediately thought of a book that started my awakening about who my partner was, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It found it shocking and hugely validating. It's not about BPD per se, but it goes into the how and why these behaviors (yelling, name calling, belittling, invalidating, diversions, etc.) are so hurtful and the explanation of what kind of person does this.

[ForeverDad]

Dr Joe Carver, a retired clinical psychologist, wrote some online pamphlets, here's a few to read, a few are even translated.
https://drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

• Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships
• Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships
• Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

[livednlearned]

the things he says to me are so cutting, he’s intimidating and has even physically hurt me a couple of times but he immediately regretted it...I don’t feel like he would ever hurt me badly or anything but I’m walking on eggshells and even when he’s feeling okay or being nice I’m anxious about what’s going to happen.

What would you recommend to a friend who was in a similar situation?

Do these feelings you have (loving him, fearing him) remind you of any other relationships you've had in your life?

[ForeverDad]

What would you recommend to a friend who was in a similar situation?

This question is an excellent way to help you to step outside of your immediate distress and glimpse an objective perspective (versus subjective).  In situations like yours and ours it is so easy to feel stuck within a dilemma with few good options.

LnL's other question is to help you to determine if your home life during your youth (FOO = family of origin) set you up to unwittingly fall into a relationship like this.

Since you don't live close together and presumably don't have children together, you can end the relationship with few legal obstacles.  No children, no joint assets or liabilities.  What we've noticed here is a pattern when the other person behaves poorly but never seems to truly change for the better, at least not for long before relapsing into prior patterns.  Of course, it is your decision whether you continue or not.

Look at the title of this thread... AFRAID of my pwBPD.  This is a terrible foundation for a lasting relationship.