Finding and developing a social support network

[Steppenwolf]

Ok, so I have thought about our problems a lot more, and tried to identify ways to have boundaries. I also just posted in the boundaries workshop to remind myself of some important boundaries for me and the kids so I will remember them better during heated times. It's an old threat but I think this is very useful.

However, the more I think about it, the more I am starting to realize that I really need more of a social support system to help me support my boundaries. My current main priority is to protect the kids from the verbal and psychological abuse they sometimes face that is making our family more and more dysfunctional. This leads to a cycle of abuse where she tries to point to the bad (often taught by example) behavior of the kids as a justification for further abuse. So this has to stop or it will only get worse.

Still, thinking about this, I noticed that I really do need a social support network that I can call on during times of crisis.

That is (1) I need people who can come to help me if I can get my W to stop the abuse by removing herself from the situation. It's not enough if she removes herself from the situation, as the kids will usually be highly aroused after she starts becoming abusive, and calming down three kids simultaneously is often too much for me to handle by myself. So I need other people I might be able to contact to help and support me during these times.

And (2) I need a place I can go to with the kids when she does not remove herself from the situation so I can go to a protected place and keep the kids from the abuse.


Finding and developing a support network for this is really hard for me. I don't really feel well talking to mutual friends or neighbors about the situation, as this would impact the relationship between them and my W. But I don't really have my own friends or family in the area, so going to them would require a longer drive. Also most official support is targeted towards women, so I cannot call on it during times of distress.

Do you have any tips on how to handle this? CPS is already involved and knows about the situation, but I haven't talked to them about finding a support network. Also, I don't really feel that comfortable with talking to CPS, as I fear they might overreact.


Also, I am planning on communicating this clear boundary enforcement with my W, but I first need to find a network I can use to enforce this boundary. So this is the next step in upholding a clear boundary and protecting me and my kids. But I feel weary about this and don't know how to handle this either.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

Hi Steppenwolf,

A social support network would be great, but in my opinion it should be more about you and less about others who will help you confront your spouse.  Have you spoken to a therapist or considered couples therapy?  What about visiting a local church to network there- do you have any religious affiliation?  Have you checked to see if there's any local NAMI or similar groups that meet nearby?

Also, how has communication been with your spouse- are there any signs of improvement?  This could be something you could talk about on a good day, what your intentions are when things escalate and the kids get upset.

[SaltyDawg]

Steppenwolf,

   I will 2nd the recommendation to attend NAMI (monthly in my area), CoDA (weekly in my area), or similar groups for yourself.  This is a safe space to vent the dynamic going on at home.  There is also there are online zoom meetings for partners of BPD which can be found at https://groups.io/g/MovingForward towards the bottom of the page, this is sponsored by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" who has been active on this site as well and still lurks here.

   With regards to getting a safety network together that can take your children, that will be a bit more problematic.  I highly recommend making a safety plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf), setting aside a few hundred dollars cash (for hotel and expenses), have a burner phone, and stay in a hotel for a few nights until your wife can return to baseline.  I have never had to use it, but it has been in place since 2009 the first time she became violent with me - so far, never with the kids.  Her violence is in remission, it was the 2nd abuse I addressed with a hard nuclear level boundary (1st was manipulation with suicide threat).  Both will result in 911 being called.

   I have befriended several of my children's parents at their schools, and I will supervise them over at my home (while my wife is 'working') or we meetup in a public setting where my wife is well behaved, or not present, likewise, they will supervise my children when they are at their friend's home.  This serves two purposes, my children are exposed to a normal interpersonal dynamic with their friends and their families, so they know what a normal family dynamic looks like.  In a pinch I might be able to have them pick up my kids, as I always offer to do that for them - I have an advantage that I am retired, and can pick them up from after school activities for them.  I do all of this without sharing any knowledge of BPD with them, since she acts 'normal' around them.  I also have a couple of friends at my house of worship with a similar dynamic.  DO NOT SHARE BPD with this group, unless they are divorced and have dealt with NPD/BPD/Cluster-B dynamic.  Anyone who has not lived this dynamic will not understand it and will think you are a liar since they have not seen your spouse behave in the manner you describe.

   My wife is improving, so I am not as concerned she will 'lose it' in front of friends like she did some years ago - I had to tell them 'it's that time of the month' with the most convincing *wink* I could muster.  You know your wife best, so you will know what is 'safe' and what is not safe to do in your situation.  I am sharing what has worked for me.

   If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

   Good luck.  Take care with self-care.



   

[SaltyDawg]

P.S.  Get yourself a body camera or an android phone with a large memory card to record videos if and when she 'loses it,' this way you can eliminate the 'he said, she said' dynamic in which the man usually loses.  A recording, even if it violates wire-tap laws will save your butt.  You can say you are using the 'public safety exemption' for recording your wife.  No one gets prosecuted for this, the last time I was aware of it, and it was a 'slap on the wrist' was when the president Clinton scandal occurred with Ms. Tripp and Monica Lewinski.

[Steppenwolf]

Recording isn't a good idea, as the privacy laws are really really strict in my country. And doing that would definitely fuel any fight with my W.


Befriending people in my area is a good idea. I looked for NAMI and CoDA, but didn't find anything in my area. The names might be different, though. I think I will also set aside some money in a safe place, so I can use it without drawing from the credit cards. I'll just look for hotels in the area so I know a place to stay in case I need it quick.


A very good friend lives about an hour's drive away, and she knows about the situation and is highly supportive. I know I could call her any time, she knows I won't abuse it, so if she sees my number even in the middle of the night she will help me (I'd do the same for her). Since she lives too far away I would have to take the kids out of school, though. So I guess I will try to talk to our school's social worker, who seems like a very supportive person.

Maybe the school's social worker also has some additional resources I can draw on to improve the situation.


One of her main tricks in trying to control me is to just leave me alone with the kids without any previous notion. Works best, if she screams at them before, so I am left alone with three completely unregulated kids. Today I noticed, that if I draw a boundary before she actually lashes out on the kids, the situation after she leaves is much more manageable. Unfortunately, this means I have to get the kids on board. I need to tell them anyway, that what their mom is doing is not ok, so they can still develop a sense of healthy behavior. I know, she will likely see it as me trying to manipulate the kids to dislike her, but it's too important they also learn to draw healthy boundaries. I do have to value the kid's mental health higher than the relationship, so I will just try to do what it takes to be a good dad to them.

[SaltyDawg]

Recording isn't a good idea, as the privacy laws are really really strict in my country. And doing that would definitely fuel any fight with my W.

The idea is to document her, do so without her knowing, so when she accuses you of something you didn't do, you can produce documentation that you did not do it.  Even though you don't think they might, if they have mentioned they will do it.  Mine thinks I abused my kids, when I was disciplining them in front of the school teachers.  Their mind operate in weird ways.


Befriending people in my area is a good idea. I looked for NAMI and CoDA, but didn't find anything in my area. The names might be different, though.

I am glad you have a good friend you can count on about an hour away.  Regarding NAMI, NAMI has a list of resources in other countries that might be worth looking at:
https://helplinefaqs.nami.org/article/102-i-don-t-live-in-the-u-s-is-there-a-nami-program-in-my-country

Regarding CoDA, I use CoDA.org; however, different countries have different websites, here is a link of all the countries that have CoDA groups:
https://coda.org/find-a-meeting/international-meetings/


I think I will also set aside some money in a safe place, so I can use it without drawing from the credit cards. I'll just look for hotels in the area so I know a place to stay in case I need it quick.

I do the same, and have done so since 2009.  So far I have not yet needed to go this far.


So I guess I will try to talk to our school's social worker, who seems like a very supportive person.

Maybe the school's social worker also has some additional resources I can draw on to improve the situation.

This is a really good idea.  I am glad you thought of it.  Our school's social workers (counselors) have been invaluable in helping my children out when navigating mental health issues.  I've been blessed with some really good resources at my children's schools.  My son just changed schools, and I am not as impressed as I was before.  Like every resources, some are better than others even with the same title and qualifications.


One of her main tricks in trying to control me is to just leave me alone with the kids without any previous notion. Works best, if she screams at them before, so I am left alone with three completely unregulated kids.

I have two children, I have tip for that, give them bonus times on their screens (phones/tablets/switch/etc), about half an hour, it will distract them to the point where they will calm down.  Normally I try not to use screens too much; however, given the circumstances, it is like crack for my son's brain to get him distracted, not so much for my daughter.


Today I noticed, that if I draw a boundary before she actually lashes out on the kids, the situation after she leaves is much more manageable. Unfortunately, this means I have to get the kids on board. I need to tell them anyway, that what their mom is doing is not ok, so they can still develop a sense of healthy behavior. I know, she will likely see it as me trying to manipulate the kids to dislike her, but it's too important they also learn to draw healthy boundaries. I do have to value the kid's mental health higher than the relationship, so I will just try to do what it takes to be a good dad to them.

Boundaries are good.  However, since I have enacted stronger boundaries, my wife has shifted her target of blame from me to the children.  If my wife acts out in front of them or at them, not as often any more, I indicate that this is 'inappropriate behavior'.  Both of my children have been given tools by their respective therapists before they refused to go to them in order to work on more difficult issues.  I use my therapist to work with the kids in an 'age appropriate' way with each of them.

Just a reminder to do self-care with all this stuff going on whatever that may look like for you.

Take care with self-care.