Sister and mum with BDF

[Carnac]

Hi,

I am new here. Just wondering if anyone has 2 family members with BDP?
My sister is and has been severe with BDP and bipolar since a child. However, I have just realised that my mum has most probably BDP too, it is obvious but due to the severity of my sister's illness, my father and myself just "dealt with" my mum's behaviour.

As my sister is for the moment more or less stable, no hospital emergencies for a couple of years, although she has weekly social and nurse meetings. She also will probably never be able to work a steady job, although she does do a few hours voluntary work a week.

I am able to see my mums behaviour more clearly, it is less severe than my sister but still life changing. It feels like a big weight has been lifted once I realised my mum is also ill, and explains a lot more about my personal healing, and why it has taken so long. I am a healer, specialising in emotional intelligence, which also makes a lot more sense.

But could never understand my mother and the "hatred/love" I felt from her and that I felt for her.

Thank you for listening, if anyone does have 2 or more BPD family members, would very much appreciate hearing your experiences.

[Carnac]

Hi,

I am new here. Just wondering if anyone has 2 family members with BDP?
My sister is and has been severe with BDP and bipolar since a child. However, I have just realised that my mum has most probably BDP too, it is obvious but due to the severity of my sister's illness, my father and myself just "dealt with" my mum's behaviour.

As my sister is for the moment more or less stable, no hospital emergencies for a couple of years, although she has weekly social and nurse meetings. She also will probably never be able to work a steady job, although she does do a few hours voluntary work a week.

I am able to see my mums behaviour more clearly, it is less severe than my sister but still life changing. It feels like a big weight has been lifted once I realised my mum is also ill, and explains a lot more about my personal healing, and why it has taken so long. I am a healer, specialising in emotional intelligence, which also makes a lot more sense.

But could never understand my mother and the "hatred/love" I felt from her and that I felt for her.

Thank you for listening, if anyone does have 2 or more BPD family members, would very much appreciate hearing your experiences.

[Tangled mangled]

Hi Carnac,

Bpd is like another mental illness, genetics play a role so there will be other members with the disorder in same family.

Imho I think it’s more environmental than genetic, there might be genetic predisposition to the disorder but having a bpd parent or narc parent is the recipe for creating a bpd sibling.

In my family of 8 children born to a Bpd mother and narcissistic father : 6 males and 2 females. I can certainly say there’s atleast one of each condition. My brothers, all 6 are mainly narcissistic: there’s atleast 2 covert narcissists and one brother is so unstable that I think he’s a bpd. The most unpleasant in the family, outside the family he burns through relationships after relationships, I doubt he will ever get married at that rate of destructive behaviour. He’s never been in hospital admission for his mental health- as far as I’m aware .
My sister is the youngest in the family and I’m the middle child/ older sister. She’s manipulative and seems able to handle my narcissistic brothers with my mums help.
In toxic family environments like this, it depends where you sit on the drama triangle. I was the rescuer, a codependent and currently the persecutor. I’m the scapegoat that got away.

[kells76]

Hi Carnac and another welcome 

Your experience makes so much sense. Your sister's big behaviors were in the spotlight and that was where many family members focused, yourself included. And, you were younger at the time. Of course it took some time -- and, like you mentioned, your sister being relatively stable and out of the spotlight -- to have the insight that your mother, too, had many BPD-type traits and behaviors.

So to touch on your question...

My H's kids' mom has many BPD-type traits (blame, distorted narratives, etc), and she remarried to someone with many NPD-type traits. H's mom likely had "more" BPD when he was younger (though she is much more stable now). H's full sister is likely very BPD, and one of H's half-sisters has many traits. H's grandma also deals with relationships in an unstable way.

The mother of my best friend in HS could likely have been diagnosed BPD. And H & my marriage counselor suggested to us that my mom may have BPD (she has said she has cPTSD but hasn't said more). My mom's dad had many NPD-type behaviors.

It is not uncommon to identify one person in your life with many BPD traits/behaviors, and then, as time goes on, to see that there was a whole system around you of many people with similar characteristics.

I suspect that part of the reason I became friends with my best friend in HS was because at some unarticulated level, her "vibes" felt familiar. Being around other people who come from a PD family system may feel "like family" to us, whether we realize it or not.

Coming from a PD family system may set us up to choose a partner who feels like family... and our feeling of what family is, can be disordered.

All that being said -- you are very not alone in having more than one challenging family member in your life. I've found that having professional support (along with peer support here) has been critical for surviving the drama and intensity. Is that something you've tried yet?

[zachira]

Carnac,
My large extended family and family of origin is full of disordered people, with NPD, BPD, mood disorders, and Aspergers. Disordered people marry each other. In my experiences, usually part of the tendency towards having personality disorders is there are many generations of mental illness, and impaired empathy for self and others. Transgenerational trauma is usually part of the big picture. On one side of my family, there are six generations of severely abused scapegoats and golden children with flying monkeys blindly loyal to the golden children. In dysfunctional families, children are shamed for their feelings and the roles are reversed; children are expected to be the caretakers of their parents from birth until the parents pass away with the parents having no or little regard for the children's needs.
What you are describing sounds so familiar to me. My mother who is deceased had BPD, and my brother has BPD, along with several other relatives. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do to change the fact that people with BPD and NPD need to target people to blame for how they feel inside, usually close family members. On this site, members are all a work in progress as they learn how to protect themselves from disordered family members' constant meltdowns and how to make self care their number one priority.